Can't stop thinking about the what ifs....

[NyGentleman]

Well its been 5 weeks now of strict NC and I have been feeling very good lately but I cant seem to shake this feeling of missing her .... even though I never did anything wrong in the time we spent being close, (actually i was probably one of the best things in her life during that time frame), she walked away from me, and somehow i flipped it saying to her right before the NC that it wasn't really about her and not wanting to be serious with anyone right now it was about me and whether or not after 2 chances for "us" can I still wait around for her and and if i can will i probably fall back into that routine again with her again where the ex comes back, she becomes confused etc etc ... so i started NC for myself ....

 

Now 5 weeks later and no contact what so ever with her (even seeing her 1x a week in school ) nothing .... the only thing i got was a weird bday card 3 weeks back saying something in the lines of even though we don't talk anymore happy bday, .... felt like she wanted me to run back to her like a puppy dog, but anyway on the bday subject and all her bday is approaching and i dunno what to do about that which has also got me thinking....but really what it comes down to is that the feeling right now is that we are complete strangers to eachother and i don't like that feeling, i mean here is a girl who said she always wanted to be in my life and be there for me no matter what ... but on a better note i have been healing nicely lately with the exception of these random moments when i feel like calling her or texting or emailing just to see what happens, but honestly i am afraid of the results ... the answer, the no answer, the no response etc...

 

One thing i believe in though is that If i was important to her im sure i would hear from her, but at the same time maybe thats why she isnt contacting me because of the fear of rejection, or maybe she got back with the ex who knows, just the fact that there wasnt much closure and i never delt with that in my life has me still on this rollercoaster ...

[AwdreeHpburn]

Hey NYGentleman - sounds to me like you're at a crucial place, a crossroads if you will.

 

Like on one hand you know you're moving on, part of you doesn't like it but part of you is not only accepting it but is starting to see the benefits of it.

 

On the other hand - she was a part of your life and it WILL take some time to form new habits.

 

Sounds like you'll be OK NY. We're here - keep posting.

[honeyspur]

One thing i believe in though is that If i was important to her im sure i would hear from her, but at the same time maybe thats why she isnt contacting me because of the fear of rejection, or maybe she got back with the ex who knows, just the fact that there wasnt much closure and i never delt with that in my life has me still on this rollercoaster ...

 

 

 

Or maybe you can have an incredible impact on a person and still not need communication.

Be assured that it is very possible she can feel your importance but realize she cannot communicate properly with you. This may be something she has decided, despite it's truth in reality.

 

Continue on - you are doing well.....

[NyGentleman]

Thanks, well still dunno what to do, but your right about being at a crossroads i just wish she would get in contact with me so i can see whats important but i guess i am getting my answer by her not contacting me ... just thought that after someone walks away especially after a great night together prior she would have at least stayed in contact ... and its for this reason why i shouldnt contact her at all ... i never did anything wrong ... and i shouldnt be the one going backwards when i was trying to move forward with her to begin with ... right?

 

But really what am i gaining here, even if everything turns around in my favor will she still be that person that i thought i knew but really didnt ? and if so whats the point, to say she is in my life but deal with that same routine over and over again ... i will only be hurting myself further ... i guess the person i thought she was in my mind, and hoped shed become isnt who she really is ... and that sucks because i had alot of respect for her as a person the entire 2yrs of me knowing her ... and the only thing i wanted was her to be happy and guess what in all that time i tried to prove that to her, i lost focus of what was really important, seeing the red flags and most important me!

 

Honey your right too! Her last relationship fell apart for that very reason, no communication, and guess what im the complete opposite, expressing everything and anything .... we def bumped heads when it came to expressing things, i was always talking to her, and she would be the listener, rarely did she ever communicate to me first, even when things didnt feel right i would always have to pull it out of her, she wouldnt be able to just talk to me ...

[ExarionUniverse19]

Hey NyGentleman, I'm in a similar situation here. I'm doing strict NC right now just for me, and she really does seem like a stranger to me. I'm at a crossroads of sorts too, in that I know I have to move on, but my heart still wants her. But I've told myself that if she tries to contact me about reconciliation, I won't give in and fall back into the old pattern. I'll briefly explain to her that I still need time, and leave it at that.

 

You seem to be on the right track. Remember that YOU are most important, and that she doesn't own you. Keep going strong, and eventually you'll feel much better and you'll be able to move on. Good luck!

[blender]

Yes, as others have stated, you are at the "healing process crossroad".. and it's natural to be having thoughts of "what if".. but you already know "what is" with her, she's got an "emotional pattern", and thank god you finally had the courage and self respect to break your part in it..

 

try to find some gratitude in your heart that you are no longer at the mercy of her pattern, because no matter what you did during the relaitonship HER pattern was going to be MORE POWERFUL than any guy..it's been in place long before you were in her life, and will be for a long time after...

 

Remember you can not cure someone of themselves.. but yeah these are the toughest exes to get over..because it's all based on ideal, fantasy and drama love.. not the real, through thick and thin, ups and downs, good and bad, humor, kindness, security, no ego struggles kind of love.. nope she is NOT emotionally capable of that.. not with you, not with any other guy, because she was always kind of "overlapping" her emotions from ex to you etc.. as I remember you story.

 

until she is able to know who she is, and seek answers for her own patterns, and issues, and most of the time they don't do the self work, and they just end up going in a big circle... thank god you're no longer on that round path.. you're going forward. lessons learned, you're going to be even better than ever.

 

It's just a tough time for you, because after almost a month of no contact, we start to wonder if it's "working".. and it is, because you are little by little getting over the emotional habit she has become in your life.. this around the time of "no contact" where we start to "wonder" and that is just a natural phase, because it's another way of indulging in hanging on in some emotional way...

 

but the good news is, you are maintaining no contact because deep down inside YOU KNOW that she is who she is, and her "life pattern" is stronger than any relationship she will encounter.. trust that she will either be with someone who will run away from her, or she will do the running, she's just not capable of "staying and having to deal with who SHE IS in any given relationship".. someone who really loves her, scares her, and someone who is "wishy-washy" towards her, makes her more comfortable because then SHE DOES NOT have to be fully emotioinally responsible to that person, so she can then indulge in the "drama" of it all because anything "REAL, SECURE AND HEALTHY" with a "good guy" would mean she would have to grow up, and be loyal, loving, mature, and face her own issues...

 

And for right now, YOU are the one doing the "growing, learning, and re-discovering your independence, and self respect".. so when you are having doubts about "what if".. just separate your "feelings from the facts" and be proud of how far you have come, and the fact that you are no longer choosing to "pretend" to be okay with all the games, ego struggles, dealing with her ex, and playing an unhealthy part in her pattern.. good for you..

 

you're healing and growing way past this relationship... whether you realize it or not.. it just hurts at times, and is frustrating when we think of "certain memories or moments, or how much we gave etc".. but the fact is it's healthier to take that "frustration and disappointment" and instead of thinking "what if".. think, "thank god I didn't allow myself to continue to be drained of my self respect, my self worth, my freedom, my independence, my healthy new way of thinking, and I'm grateful I had the strength to finally let go of my side of the tug of emotional war rope.. done.. moving on... letting go...

 

and if your paths should cross again romantically, it will be so on YOUR loving, loyal, self respecting terms.. if not, then you are better off without the unhealthy emotionally drama addicted girl who's ex is still in the picture, can't committ to you, doesn't know how to cherish you the way you deserve type of relationship.

 

Cherish and respect yourself, all the rest will work out wonderfully, trust this..

[NyGentleman]

Blender,

 

Good to hear from you again! Thanks...yes its been an interesting month, not to mention the I had my first real class with the girl 2 weeks back and she made it as uncomfortable as any for me to be there ... but still NC through it all and ive realized that yes she isn't who i thought she was, and who knows whats goin on in her life now but who cares, and your right thank god im not part of it anymore because for someone to say i want to be there for you no matter what because i care oh so much and walk away and never even look in my direction again is someone who never was someone worth it to begin with ....

 

I deserve alot better, someone who cares and respects me for me and wants to put forth that kind of effort as i would ...