Divorce and Dating

[beerman]

OK, I need a little help from you folks. My divorce will be final soon and I haven't really started dating. I am really torn as to whether or not I am ready. Part of me what to date really bad and the other part of me is saying "Are you f'n insane". I was initially all gung ho to get started and signed up on a couple of the online dating services which turned out to be a mistake for me. I am sure they work great for some folks, just not me.

 

My question is this - how long did it take you to get over the divorce before you really felt like dating again? I know everyone's answers will differ but I am just trying to get a feeling on this topic.

 

Thanks!

[Aurian]

I filed for divorce in July and started dating again in January. My divorce is not final until July 07 because of a law up here stating that a one-year-separation period is mandatory no matter what.

 

I had moments where I wanted to run out and find someone to be with, but I resisted that impulse because I didn`t want to hurt myself further with rebound relationships. I also needed to focus on myself and on counselling (the marriage was abusive). I think having counselling helped me move on faster than I would have otherwise. I was able to move through the healing stages quicker without spending too much time of self-blame, guilt or regrets.

 

I felt ready to date around December, but decided to wait until after the Christmas season to avoid the feeling that one needs to be coupled up!

 

I found a keeper reletively quickly, but I feel ready for a relationship now, and am happy. Ironically, online dating did work for me!

[sweetharmony]

Hi Beerman! yes, that is a tough decision. you say that your divorce is not yet final, so maybe you might want to wait until it is and then revist the issue again. I was never married, but i know the feeling of dating someone and immediately getting on dating sites afterwards, very excited at the prospect of meeting someone new! but realized it would be a mistake b/c it was too soon b/c of unresolved feelings. maybe take some extra time until you REALLY feel ready to go out there again. only you will know the answer to that. i'm not saying wait a few years, but maybe a few more months to a year and then revisit the issue and see where you're at. also, think about this. until your divorce is final, many women may question this. they'll want to know about the divorce and how long it has been since the divorce...etc...so to be fair to both, maybe give it a good amt. of time for yourself and the other person to begin a relationship anew.

[Batya33]

What I suggest (and I learned this from indirect experience meeting and going on dates with newly divorced people and through Dr. Joy Browne who has a web site) is that you wait at least a year until after the divorce is final no matter how long the separation or the reasons for the divorce so that you can experience being single during all of the milestones of a year - holiday, birthday, whatever and start the next year with a far clearer perspective on who you are and what you want.

 

For some it might take longer. Dr. Joy Browne explains the reasons why much much better than I ever could but watching friends who are separated/newly divorced try to date and getting to know men in that situation who wanted to date me, and hearing the many callers to Dr. Joy Browne's radio program in that situation, typically people "thought" (like yourself) that they were ready but chose people to date based on the bad/good experiences of their marriage, out of more neediness/fragility than typical etc and typically it was a disaster.

 

Even though you might simply see it as a piece of paper, you likely didn't see marriage as just a piece of paper - it's a paper - the divorce decree - that has a finality to it just like marriage was the beginning but again, Dr. Joy explains it much better.

 

Perhaps that sounds like too long or just right - it's up to you - just my opinion. Of course it would be great for you to get out there and socialize and meet lots of new people so that you have a new social circle that know you as an almost single person and then as a single person.

[Savetheday]

It has taken me about 9 months to feel comfortable about dating again since my seperation and divorce.

 

I did meet someone late last year. Initially I thought things would work out but I just didn't feel comfortable with the timing. We remained friends for a while which gave me some space. It was difficult since we had a LDR...

 

The space i was given allowed me to grow and find myself. I became much stronger, independent and happy with being on my own.... Then just over a week ago, out of the blue, I met a guy. Somehow we both felt that click! We are taking things slow and i don't feel at all pressured like I did in the past. He is sharp and enjoys the humorous side of life and we have a great deal in common. Yesterday, at work, I was lost for words when I received 12 red roses and a card that had me ROFLMAO..

 

I'm not sure where this is going to lead,,, ..only time will tell...

 

Good Luck... You will know when the time is right.. believe ME!

[DN]

When you feel you are ready - wait another couple of weeks just to be sure. I would not advise waiting for a specific period as the time to get over a divorce varies from person to person and what may work for one may not work for someone else. We are human beings and our emotions are not governed by how much time the Earth takes to revolve around the Sun.

 

I have known people who were clearly not ready for another relationship three years after a divorce and others who met someone before their divorce was finalised and the new relationships resulted in marriages that are still going strong over twenty years.

[treefrogkate]

I haven't read any of the other replies, so I apologize if I repeat anything.

 

It really depends on the situation with your divorce. If you were the "dumper" instead of the "dumpee", you might be able to heal more quickly and be ready for a new relationship sooner. It's all very individual, though, so don't push yourself. Go out with friends and get comfortable with being by yourself.

 

That isn't to say you shouldn't start dating when you're ready simply because of the divorce. I started dating before I even filed the papers (due to some serious foot-dragging by my ex-husband), and 5 months after I kicked my ex-husband out of the apartment. But it was an unhealthy relationship for me to begin with, so I had checked out emotionally from the marriage a long time before that. Happy ending though, I really clicked with my boyfriend from the very beginning (he was the first (and last) person I went on a date with after separating from my husband, and I met him online, lol). We are planning on getting engaged in the near future, and I couldn't possibly love another human being as much as I love him.

 

But bottom line is that it's a very personal thing, how quickly you recover from a divorce, and you need to make sure you're not pushing yourself into something you're not ready for.

[Batya33]

What I have seen several times is where people who are recently divorced or separated truly believe they are ready but are not paying attention (sometimes out of loneliness/neediness) to the fact that they are not ready. That is why looking at guidelines for time lines is helpful because you cannot assume that you know yourself best while you are going through a crisis like that or at minimum an emotionally intense situation. That is also why I'm a fan of the general guidelines in "the rules" because I don't think clearly - and often get needy - when I am smitten. Same general theory with a newly divorced person.

[Aurian]

A year is arbitrary. I think the right point is when you`ve past the "needy" stage of wanting someone just for the sake of filling a hole (ie rebound time), have spent some time on your own and have healed yourself of any "wounds" and are ready to simply share your life with someone and have some fun. Not looking for someone to fill a hole, but enhance the whole.

 

I did set myself a rule that I wasn`t going to think about looking until after Christmas. That self-imposed rule helped during those times I just felt lonely. By the new year, I felt healed and was also given a green light and a fare-thee-well from the counselor!

[Portage]

My divorce won't be finalized until May or June, i don't feel at all ready at this stage in my life. We've been living apart for almost two years with our last try for reconciliation being last March.

 

I think it will eventually just feel right, you'll one day run into a possible candidate and the anxiety of that first connection won't make you run vomiting to the toilet.

 

This is what i'm aiming for. I want to feel as comfortable as possible in my own skin before putting the icing on the cake.

[Batya33]

A year is arbitrary. I think the right point is when you`ve past the "needy" stage of wanting someone just for the sake of filling a hole (ie rebound time), have spent some time on your own and have healed yourself of any "wounds" and are ready to simply share your life with someone and have some fun. Not looking for someone to fill a hole, but enhance the whole.

 

I did set myself a rule that I wasn`t going to think about looking until after Christmas. That self-imposed rule helped during those times I just felt lonely. By the new year, I felt healed and was also given a green light and a fare-thee-well from the counselor!

 

Ayear is so you can spend all the milestones of a year as a single person - legally single that is - birthday, christmas, wedding anniversary, holidays, the seasons etc - nothing arbitrary about a one year time period. Good luck with your new beau!

[DN]

What about the year after that - and subsequent years? Is the first the only one that may hurt or have some significance. In my opinion it is arbitrary because it assumes those anniversaries will mean the same thing to all divorced people and I just don't think that is a reasonable assumption. For some they will be full of meaning and regret but they are likely to be in the future as well. For others they will be meaningless especially if they are already in love with someone else or feel that is likely. And for others those dates will be more like celebrations of freedom.

 

Human beings are individuals and as such have individual reactions to similar events that range from deep emotion to complete indifference and they will reach those states of mind by a measure of time that is not dependent on a clock or calendar.

[treefrogkate]

What about the year after that - and subsequent years? Is the first the only one that may hurt or have some significance. In my opinion it is arbitrary because it assumes those anniversaries will mean the same thing to all divorced people and I just don't think that is a reasonable assumption. For some they will be full of meaning and regret but they are likely to be in the future as well. For others they will be meaningless especially if they are already in love with someone else or feel that is likely. And for others those dates will be more like celebrations of freedom.

 

Human beings are individuals and as such have individual reactions to similar events that range from deep emotion to complete indifference and they will reach those states of mind by a measure of time that is not dependent on a clock or calendar.

 

Very well said. Celebrations of freedom is exactly what those "special occasion" days felt like to me after I separated from my husband.

[melrich]

My question is this - how long did it take you to get over the divorce before you really felt like dating again?

 

In my personal experience you never "get over" a divorce. That feeling of failure is present whenever I think about my marriage (ended 8 years ago).

 

That's not to say it has prevented me from moving on, just that sadness and a sense of loss are the emotions I feel when I think about my marriage.

 

As to when you are ready again? Well as you may have expected that is a very individual thing and will probably be determined in many ways by the circumstances of your seperation and the people you meet. For some it will be very quickly for others it will be many years.

 

In my case, I met my current partner about 6 months after my seperation. It is a relationship that has worked but no doubt in the early stages I felt it was too soon. But in a funny way it was that relationship that helped me move on quicker from the end of my marriage and we could not be happier together.

 

I certainly wasn't looking for someone at the time but I would say to you, if you do meet someone you think is special, that you click with, it may be worth taking a chance. Just stay honest with both yourself and whoever you eventually partner up with.

[DN]

In my case, I met my current partner about 6 months after my seperation. It is a relationship that has worked but no doubt in the early stages I felt it was too soon. But in a funny way it was that relationship that helped me move on quicker from the end of my marriage and we could not be happier together.

 

And had you followed a one year rule you would have missed out on that relationship and the subsequent happiness and the two children who bring joy to your life.

[melrich]

And had you followed a one year rule you would have missed out on that relationship and the subsequent happiness and the two children who bring joy to your life.

 

Yes I would have. But I am not against the "one year rule" per se. In fact I think around a year after the end of a marriage or long relationship is probably about right, plus or minus a month or two. I do think the appropriate discipline is to wait a bit longer than when you think you might be ready.

 

My problem with the one year rule as it is espoused here is linking it to being from the time your decree nisi comes through.

 

I mean here in Oz (and I believe it is similar in many western countries) you cannot even file for divorce until you have been separated for a year. When you overlay that with the fact that you can't get your divorce heard until you have completed the financial settlement, most people are still waiting for a decree nisi two or three years after they separate.

 

If you then add a year to that, under that sort of rule you suddenly are getting advised not to date for a minimum probably 2 and a half years after you separate and more likely 3 or 4 years.

 

Given in probably the majority of cases divorcees are 30 plus, waiting 3 or 4 years is a hell of a long time at that stage of your life.

 

Not to mention I do not see the sense of it. For most the decree nisi is just a piece of paper. Most people declare the end of their marriage, and start grieving it and handling the milestones, from the day they separate. Not 3 years later when the decree nisi comes through.

 

And it further defies logic when you think about other circumstances.

 

I presume after the death of a spouse (as there is no decree nisi required) you can start dating under this rule a year later? yet in the case of a divorce the rule means much longer? This even further makes little sense to me because I would have thought death would be even more traumatising than divorce.

 

And what about the people that don't believe in the constitution of marriage (an increasing population). A couple together in de facto for 15 years can separate and under this rule start dating again in a year (this is beginning to sound faintly ridiculous) but the couple together 5 years and married must wait probably minimum 2 and a half years.

 

I think this is the problem with arbitrary rules. The anomolies are often not thought about.

[Batya33]

I agree with Dr. Joy that being legally single is an important distinction from being separated which is the same as "still married." Just like for most people the marriage certificate makes an important difference in the relationship even if they've been living together for years - likely a reason why the divorce rate is so high for live together first couples - because it makes a difference. Since the legal marriage certificate makes a difference it stands to reason that so does the divorce decree.

 

I is individual - some people need far more time - but in general, it should be at least a year no matter how long the separation or the reason for the divorce. Obviously there are going to be some exceptions - but, again, I am not going to defend it here but only suggest that if the OP is interested he can check out Dr. Joy Browne and her teachings, web site, radio program, whatever.

 

and yes, I agree that some people never fully get over a divorce but it's a question of being over it enough to get involved in a new romantic relationship. If a relationship is meant to be, it will be in the one year after the divorce is final, too. And, no worries of course in being platonic friends with people.

 

i agree it sounds harsh and arbitrary but after reading about it as well as listening to the people who call in who didn't follow the rule (or who did) and speaking to many newly divorced and separated men - and dating a few of them I think the rule makes a lot of sense for most people and particularly for single people who meet someone who is separated (still married) or newly divorced.

[melrich]

I agree with Dr. Joy that being legally single is an important distinction from being separated which is the same as "still married."

 

So does this thinking extend to someone not being dead until there is an official death certificate? Or someone does actually not exist until they have an official birth certificate (which comes by the way some months after birth)?

 

As I have said before, I have never met a divorcee who when asked the question "when did your marriage end?" respnds with the date they received their decree nisi (a date most would not even know). Every divorcee I know, including myself, when asked the question "when did your marriage end?" will give the date they and their ex finally decided to separate.

 

I can tell you mine, 11th January, 1999. When did the decree nisi come in? The only thing I could tell you without digging it out of a file was that it was sometime in the first half of 2003. What date do I regard as the anniversary of the end of my marriage? 11th January 1999.

 

Legal documents are well and good. Human emotions and behaviours are another thing altogether and to link them to a legal process to me will never make any sense.

[DN]

I too have listened to Joy Browne in the past and find her to be simplistic and her advice far too general to be useful in individual cases. She listens to people for a minute or two on the radio and then makes snap judgments based on preconceived and often outdated concepts that have little bearing on how people live their lives.

 

Of course, people who call in to her show have problems - that is why they call in. I doubt many people will call in and say "I am as happy as I have ever been with my new relationship despite the fact that we got together less than 12 months after a divorce - can you help me?" And it is even more unlikely that people who can disprove her silly theories will be allowed on air to express their dissent. She gets very sharp with people who argue with her when given a chance.

 

Cookie cutter solutions to real-life problems that sound good in three minute segments on radio and that help sell her books are mostly useless - that's why I stopped listening. She is far too smug and speciously all-knowing to be of value.

[Batya33]

Let's agree to disagree on the one year rule or Dr. Joy. When I was dating, I asked every man when his divorce was final and he answered based on the decree. A nice percentage of them lied in their profiles, claiming to be divorced while only separated. I didn't meet them because of the lie particularly since I had explained I was not comfortable dating someone not yet divorced.

 

I think DN mentioned that by following that rule someone would not have had two children. Perhaps a small example but to me having children is a happy situation only if it is in the best interests of the children. So, simply stating that "well then these children would not have been born" doesn't mean that the waiting period is not a good thing. I have seen children born and children brought into as stepsiblings/stepchildren into very unstable situations, including where one of the parents is not yet divorced, etc. That is not a happy situation for the children and thereforeeee even if the parents are "happy" I don't look at it from that perspective.

 

I do believe that many people measure time in a specific way - if you look at this forum on a given day you see all the time markers "two months since we broke up" "first birthday apart from ex" "christmas is in __ months, what do I do about my ex?" Or "wow, one year ago today I was hurting so much from the break up and now______" I do that, too.

 

Even if people decide the one year rule isn't for them I think it is not safe to rely on "how you feel" because typically divorces are a crisis time in one way or another and the person's perspective typically - with exceptions - isn't clear. So neither is the decision making. Not to criticize the person's intelligence or character of course - it's a natural response ot a crisis. I've seen people think they are ready but the crisis mode is muddling up their perspective.

 

Getting into a relationship during that period of time is unfair to both people because when things "clear" the crisis-mode person might realize that he/she made a decision based on the crisis and not based on who he/she really is and what she wants. Sure, perhaps for some being separated allows the perspective to clear. What I have seen more typically is that that is a time of emotional turmoil of major transition, sometimes of financial turmoil and that when that decree is signed, it's a new stage. Like my friend who wanted to have friends with her on the anniversary of her wedding because it was the first anniversary after her divorce is final, despite having been separated for a few years.

 

Also, some say "well what should i do - stay in the house?" That tells me the person doesn't know how to have a life for him/herself. That is why it's so important to get out there and socialize and develop interests and friendships apart from the ex-spouse. Dating at that time to combat loneliness or "I don't want to sit at home" isn't fair to anyone.

 

Just my humble opinion. inue to thank you for your gentle tone in doing

[DN]

Of course it will work for some people. But for others it is simply irrelevant to their feelings. As others have said many people check out of a marriage in every way except legally long before a divorce is made final.

 

The problem with rules like this is that they substitute instant solutions to individual people in individual circumstances. Instead of taking the time to listen and formulate a considered response to someone it is easier to say 'one year rule' instead of thinking.

 

When I did listen to Browne's show I heard people call in because a second relationship was in trouble. Once she found out they had met before twelve months had passed she would immediately invoke the one year rule and that would be the end of that. The notion that the same problem could exist had the couple met two years after the divorce would be ignored - it was a violation of the one year rule and that was the problem.

 

Just because people have a issue with their relationship it is not necessarily the time their relationship began that is the problem. It is dangerous to make that assumption and unwise to project that assumption onto other possible relationships.

 

The one year rule has not been tested in any meaningful way other than by Browne's limited assessment and since she is the author of it she cannot be an reliable assessor of it's validity.

 

The reason I go on at some length about this rule is that I think it can do more damage than good and could easily mean that people forgo the chance of a successful and meaningful relationship because they follow an untested rule. I know of too many examples of people who broke that rule and are in happy relationships for it to be persuasive.

[melrich]

I asked every man when his divorce was final

 

That is a completely different question to "when did your marriage end?"

 

I think DN mentioned that by following that rule someone would not have had two children. Perhaps a small example but to me having children is a happy situation only if it is in the best interests of the children. So, simply stating that "well then these children would not have been born" doesn't mean that the waiting period is not a good thing. I have seen children born and children brought into as stepsiblings/stepchildren into very unstable situations, including where one of the parents is not yet divorced, etc. That is not a happy situation for the children and thereforeeee even if the parents are "happy" I don't look at it from that perspective.

 

Yeah that was about me. That is just a disgusting sentiment. Not worth a nano second's response, except that i have provided a response to you, but only because my anger got the better of me.. We are happy and our kids are happy.

 

typically divorces are a crisis time in one way or another

 

No, seperation is a crisis time. Divorce is just the legalisation of seperation. Refer back to my points re.defacto and death which were conveniently ignored.

 

This thread has really made me sick. People who question the validity of a relationship or the children of that relationship on the basis that it does not fit their norms should have a good hard look at themselves.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I think the real issue is emotional readiness, and not just the particular time when you meet or start dating a person, but how you handle grief and recovery from a divorce.

 

some marriages are LONG dead before the separation, and there is not so much emotional trauma because the person started the emotional separation from the partner a long time ago, though they physically stayed in the relationship....

 

There is an excellent book called 'Uncoupling' by Diane Vaughan that is based on research into divorce and how couples break up, that is used by professionals who deal with divorce.

 

The uncoupling of a marriage usually begins when one person recognizes their unhappiness with the marriage, and starts emotionally separating, so each half of the couple is not on the same separation and recovery cycle emotionally, and the initiator 'checks out' of the marriage emotionally far sooner than the partner. that person is much farther along, and if they are the driver in the divorce, they are frequently immediately ready to date after a divorce, because their have been laying plans to divorce (emotionally and otherwise) and started a new life emotionally long before the separation even occurred.

 

And the partner who was not the initiator is WAY behind in the emotional separation and recovery process, and might takes years to feel emotionally stable and healed enough to start dating again.

 

In my case, i knew my marriage wouldn't work, and knew that divorce was the right thing, but still was not ready to throw myself into dating for a while, for no other reason that i was still uncoupling from him emotinally, and grieving a loss, and didn't have enthusiam for coupling up with someone else when i felt i still needed to heal.

 

i had quite a setback not too long after the separation when a good friend of mine (who also happened to be quite controlling) decided to 'spring' a blind date on me when i went to a party at her house, introducing me and pressuring me to start dating a man who was her husband's best friend, who i found totally unattractive, boring, and with whom i had NOTHING in common. She was just trying to be helpful, but i was NOT ready to date, and certainly not someone who i never would have considered dating to begin with, so that put me off dating anyone for a LONG time...

 

so someone else deciding for you when it is the right time to date, whether 2 months, or a year, or 2 years after a separation/divorce, is something that no one should do, becuase there is an emotional uncoupling process that must be worked through for everyone, at different rates and in different ways based on the person's circumstance.

 

my guideline for when to date is based on when you stop looking at dating as a potential minefield, and don't have a high anxiety level at the thought of it. if you notice yourself starting to get bored with being single, and see dating as an opportunity to do fun things and make friends and *maybe* find someone you will like much deeper than that, then you are ready. or maybe you meet someone who is so easy and fun to be with, that you realize you have entered dating territory, even with no real intentions to, but it is working out that way and quite well.

 

but if it feels like you are running through a mine field to go on a date, and contact with potential dates makes you anxious or depressed or triggers thoughts about your prior relationship, it is not time yet.

 

when you start to feel safe and comfortable with the idea comes at different times with different people. and you can make lots of friends even early on after a divorce, as long as you don't pressure yourself to feel you MUST date, or you must NOT date. Dating should be about enriching your life and opening potential doors to a new life, whenever that moment comes and feels right.

[Batya33]

I agree with this. One caveat I would add though is that where there are children involved then it is not just about the person feeling "ready" but the best interests of the children as well which might be two very different things.

 

I have met many people who are still married but have checked out. Nevertheless, getting the divorce decree made a significant difference emotionally and began another transitional phase. That person might have felt ready to date based on being emotionally checked out but surprisingly or not found that the finality of the divorce decree once again started the "readiness" clock re-ticking.

[treefrogkate]

I have met many people who are still married but have checked out. Nevertheless, getting the divorce decree made a significant difference emotionally and began another transitional phase. That person might have felt ready to date based on being emotionally checked out but surprisingly or not found that the finality of the divorce decree once again started the "readiness" clock re-ticking.

 

That's fine... for those people.

 

For me and my boyfriend, the divorce decree was just a piece of paper. It didn't matter either way when the divorce was going to become final because we were both ready to be in a relationship with each other. (We did joke about not being in an "affair" once the divorce was final, but it was just that... a joke. We both knew I didn't have any feelings for my ex-husband left at that point, not even anger.)

 

When did my divorce actually become final? Um... end of 2006, but I couldn't tell you the exact date. When did I kick my ex-husband out out of the apartment? August 30th, 2005. That's how important the divorce decree was in my situation. And again, when was the crisis situation? When I kicked my ex-husband out, not when the divorce decree came through. It was a relief to be alone after separating from him, and I was able to get back to being comfortable being by myself extremely quickly.

 

If you're morally opposed to dating someone whose divorce is not final, that's one thing. No one here is going to fault you for that. Each person is allowed to have their own thoughts and conditions on who they will date, and that is your own decision.

 

But saying that the divorce decree is a "switch" that sets the date when someone will be ready to date again is just simplistic thinking in my opinion. There are some people who will be ready way before, and some people who won't be ready for several years after their divorce is final. It's a very personal thing, and I think that any "guideline" will be wrong for the majority of people.

 

The only thing that will tell you whether you're ready is your feelings. A calendar isn't going to help.