2 Years ago today

[alonegirl]

2 years ago today a bomb came in and blew up what I knew as my life. My ex boyfriend and I broke up. We were together for 4 years, he was the man I thought I was going to spend my life with and now he was gone, my life as I knew it was gone. I had to move back into my mother's, everything I was accomsted to was gone, my house, my dog, my friends, (most of my friends were his friends) and my best friend in the whole world him. He was the person that knew me better then anyone, he was the person that was there whenever I needed anything, when I was having a bad day he was the one to make me smile. There were days I didn't get out of bed and then there were days when I did get out of bed go to work come home and go right back to bed. I lost 20 pounds (and I'm little to begin with) I didn't want to be around my nieces, my family nobody.I cried everywhere I went, I couldn't even go grocery shopping with out loosing it because it would make me think of him and how we would usally do together. During all this I found out there was another girl in the picture and had been for the last month of our relationship. It absolutely killed me, who was this person that I thought I knew, where I was when all this was going on that I didn't see it, I felt stupid for not seeing it, I hated him for it but at the same time I was so hurt I didn't know how to hate him. I just wanted to pull the covers over my head and come out when all the pain was over. I began to realize that was impossible and not going to happen and that if I didn't deal with this as hard as it may be it wasn't just going to go away. It was the lowest point of my life to date and I didn't know how I was going to survive it. I came on this board all the time and posted, as time went on I got embarrassed that i was still sad so I would post and then be to ashamed to come back and see what people wrote because I was afraid people were going to tell me to just get over it.

 

Here I am two years later and for the most part I realize that this happening was probably the best thing. And no it's not because I'm in love and in a great relationship with someone else, I've only dated one person really for a couple of months and I realized that I was just rebounding and got out of it. I have spent the past two years meeting myself again, and taking care of myself. I went back to college after a 5 year break and now will have my degree in July, I got my own place and for the first time in my life I am living all on my own. I am not going to act like I don't have my moments when I don't miss him, or us because I do there are times I just miss being with someone and then there are times that I actually miss him and miss things about our relatiionship. But he is not that person that I knew and I am not that person anymore either. I realize that our relationship is in the past and that everything really does happen for a reason. I've started to realize that my ex wanted to always be the good guy, the super hero that came in and rescued the damsel in distress. When we met my previous relationship was an abusive one, that relationship changed me as a person and not for the good. My ex came in and opened my heart again, and brought me back to a happy place and for that my family was so grateful. But I think after 4 years where I was becoming more and more independent he didn't have to rescue me anymore so he moved on to someone he could. I have my moments when I get upset because I think two years later and he's about to get married and I haven't even really dated anybody, but then I realize I'm not going to settle just to be with someone. I relaize that yes I am being picky but you know what I deserve to be picky, I'm not going to be with someone just to say that I'm with someone. I think about the future and how he's jumping into marriage and i'm taking my time just to date anyone and where that will lead us 10 years from now. I know I shouldn't care but a part of me does. The hardsest thing I think to deal with is that as much as this whole thing affected me he went on with his life as if nothing had happened. He was living the exact same life just with someone new, and it just didn't seem fair to me but then I realized it's not about being fair...it happened there's nothing I can do to change it, I have to go on with my life. You can't control how someone feels about you, nothing you do and nothing you say will ever change that. I think back over these last two years and sometimes I give myself a little pat on the back, I'm very proud of the person I am today and while it was the most painful time of my life I needed to go through it, I needed to discover who I was and what I wanted to do with my life.

 

I just wanted to post this and let people know who are just now starting this process it really does get better, a couple of things that helped me out. Do not set time limits for yourself, don't say it's been 2 months I should be over this, take everything one day at a time, at the beginning I took everything one minute at a time, then slowly one hour at a time, then I was finally to one day at a time. Set small daily goals for yourself, for the first month or so going to work everyday was my goal, just getting out of bed was my goal. I think one of the most important things to do is to really have no contact with them, it really does help the more you talk to them or see them or go on their myspace page it does nothing but push you back. Just know that everything really does happen for a reason, don't look for the reason, just know that everything that is happening is happening for a purpose.

[b2761]

good on you for making a life for yourself after a rough time. You have made yourself complete and that's a great goal for everyone.

[Wandering_Sword]

It's so good to hear someone's "rise from the ashes" story. Thank you for sharing. It definitely helps to shed a little bit more light at the end of the tunnel.

[lpdreams]

I feel as if you and I have so many parallels in our lives and stories. My fiancé of 5.5 years just decided 4 weeks ago that he "thought" yes "thought" that he was no longer in love with me. I stress the fact that he thought that he wasn’t in love with me because he went overseas to study abroad and we haven’t seem each other for 2 months. I found it ironic that he didn’t even want to see me in person to see how he felt since he only "thought" that he wasn’t in love with me any longer.

 

Here is where the parallels are. I too will be finishing my degree in July and getting my own place. I also had to move back in with my mother and give up my house, dogs, and friends that we shared as a couple. I also think that there is another girl in the picture and that is what hurts the most. It is the feeling of immediate replacement I guess. My ex also wanted to be the good guy all the time, but he acted a little different than your ex. My ex would never stand up for our relationship (his family didn’t like the fact that I wasn’t of the same faith) or anything else in life for that matter because he hated conflict and always wanted to keep the peace no matter what was said.

 

Thank you for posting your story here. It gives me hope for the future. I already feel that I am healing one day at a time, but stories like this further excite me for what my future holds.

 

I know that the universe has great plans for you! I am so happy for you because you have learned to love yourself. Best wishes!

[Bethany]

Fantastic, an inspiration to all I'm sure.

[brando]

alonegirl,

 

I really think you got it here. This is what it is all about, getting to know yourself. I am sure it has been a long dark road you traveld down, but as you can see you are on your way.

 

The gifts you have received since your breakup are truly priceless. No relationship, no person can ever bring you such gems, one has to be willing to accept them as you have.

 

I am sure you have dark days, as wel all do and will have. I look at them as lessons I need to learn, things I need to learn about myself.

 

I appreciate you sharing your expereinces. Congratulations on you accomplishments.

 

Be well,

brando

[peaceseeker]

alone girl, what a journey and well travelled. My partner walked out 4 months ago after what had been a very happy 3 years preceded by a lenghty friendship first. He went blank, seemed to become a shadow of himself and never gave any reasons. Having not seen him for three months, I received a e-mail from some-one else suggesting that there had been and there is another girl. All the hurt has been stirred up, could he not just have been honest....

I want to look back in two years and believe this is the best thing that has happened to me........I just don't know how yet

But your story is inspirational, keep posting

 

And Lpdreams I'm some-where with you too....keep up that healing

[arwen]

Hey alonegirl,

 

I think you really moved on in a great way from this. It is often these situations that make us see how strong we really are. There were sure times in which you thought the pain would never end, and that your life would never be good again. But for me personally, I have noticed that my life got even BETTER than before The Breakup (I had one significant break up from a long term relationship, over 3 years agon now).

 

I hope that you feel the same about that-- that you know that inside there is a person that is always there-- and that you will survive these times of hardship.

 

Love,

 

Arwen

[StillClimbing]

You sound very strong and I can identify with everything you are saying about your pain. Our lives as we know them get shattered and we become lost and devastated along the way.

 

My thing was that I was so disappointed with myself for becoming so needy of him. I hate that be became my whole world, and thereforeeee, when he left, I felt I had nothing.

 

I am still struggling 2.7 years later. I have also dated, but no one really feels right. I hear about him, off traveling the world, living and amazing life, dating someone new for the last 2 years...and I feel robbed.

 

People always say the past is the past. But I am stuck in the past becuase I have yet to encounter in my future anything that felt as good as being with him. It didn't matter where we went (and we went a lot of places around the world together), as long as we were together and united as a team.

 

I have been kicked off that team and though I have some good days, I really suffer daily, even still. It almost appears to me that I believe that his life has more value than mine, because I have wasted mine away, crying over him these last 2 years.

 

Sorry to hijack your positive thread. I have accomplished a lot professionaly and traveled a good amount and have tried to keep busy, but I feel like it is all a front to hide the true pain that is life without him.

 

How do you change your gut feeling that you will never love anyone like you loved him? How will you ever believe that being without him will feel fine one day?

 

I have talked to friends and family and even therapists at length, but nothing changes. I feel trapped. Any insights?

[coco_angel]

alonegirl,

 

I want to say congrats! It has been a year for me and I am finallymoved on and like you don't feel the need to be in a relationship to feel fulfilled. Atleast not at this point in my life.

 

I like you, have been discovering what I want in life and accomplishing my mini goals. (Going to the gym evryday and starting a new career). Everything really does happen for a reason and I wouldn't change things if I had the chance. I have learned more about myself. I have gained so much strength and really an appreciation of my life and more love for my friends and family.

 

I wish you even more good things in the future. Please keep us posted or atleast me lol I feel that talking with other that have overcome this helps me.

[Dr.Amore]

Well ladies im sorry that you all have to go threw all the pain and suffering. Im proud of you 2 years you accomplished alot. Its those dam demons in our head the voices the what if, the will we be back together , the denial. Its hard to fight those demons there job is to bring you down but you have be strong. We cant help what we think no matter how hard we try. Were only human and it should make you realize that you have a much bigger heart then he will ever have.

 

You being single this whole time happened for a reason and you admitted to that. BTW i hate those friends who laugh and make fun of you for being single for so long. They say you gay dude no im just waiting for the right one not a one night stand. Sheesh people these days are so harsh. Look where it has brought you today a more successful, smarter, and stronger person. You sound like a very intelligent female and im sure when the right one comes along you will feel it. Thinking of past all the time is death and will only bring you down. Its hard i know but we have to focus in these hard times and take it day by day.

 

I wish you well in the future just keep your head up and have faith. Im sure i will be fine as well as the rest of you. We have such big hearts and there isnt very many people like us left in the world. Being Dr.Love is a hard job but it comes natural to me

[coco_angel]

I have accomplished a lot professionaly and traveled a good amount

 

If I may respond to you...

 

You have an amazing life on your own. You are successful, you travel!!! You are living your life and yes I feel sorry for you. But, you need to aknowledge that you have done some great things in your life! You are doing fine and handling all of this normally. Once you realize that there is nothing wrong with your life and your emotions then he will start to fade away.

 

It sounds so simple but its not. It has been a year for me and I am barely letting go. I dont care to hear about his life, what he is doing. And I STOPPED COMPARING MY LIFE TO HIS!! You have to stop doing that! You have two separate lives and he chose a different path than you.

 

Like alonegirl said about her ex and my ex did the same: he just found a replacement and kept on living the same life. DO you want that? Be honest would you have been able to accomplish the things you have or have the relationships with friends and family that you do, had you still been together??

 

I don't look back that much but that is because it took time. It was in stages: shock, anger, denial, hurt, sadness, depression. And at some point you will stop and realize how much you deserve self-love.

 

You are a beautiful person, so treat yourself that way. Trust me you are not missing out. Make some goals and little by little accomplish them.

 

Whenever I would think about my ex and wanting him back..I would either go to the gym or think about the way he hurt me and that would end that. Most times I would distract myself. Every now and then I still feel it but its how I choose to handle that feeling. I DO NO BEAT MYSELF UP OVER MISSING HIM!!! It is natural and I acknowledge that will be there for some time.

 

But that doesn't make you any weaker knowing you still care about him or miss him or think about him. It makes you strong and still know that you have the ability to love someone who will love you back!

 

Good luck..I hope I was helpful

[alonegirl]

Thank you all for your replies....I wanted to post this to let people know that it really does get better eventually.

 

Still climbing...like coco angel said you have accomplished so much, and you are a beautiful person. It's very hard not to compare your life to his believe me I know but I realized that his life or anyone elses for that matter are not my life...My life has it's own path and his has it's. Yes I had my moments when it seemed his life was going better than mine but then one day his life didn't matter anymore, I didn't want to hear what was going on his life, I stopped talking to people who always felt the need to give me an update on his life. Stop comparing your life to his. It's very hard to do but you must try. For a long time I thought I would just wake up one morning and everything would be ok with me, but I realized that wasn't going to happen. I was going to have to help myself, I was going to have to fight the feelings of his life is better, my life sucks since him...etc etc. It is hard and takes energy but you have to be strong and really fight this. Maybe the reason you haven't had a connection to anyone is because like me maybe we're not ready, maybe there's work that we must do for ourselves and then we can love someone fully! Keep your head up!!

[metalheart]

I am still struggling 2.7 years later. I have also dated, but no one really feels right. I hear about him, off traveling the world, living and amazing life, dating someone new for the last 2 years...and I feel robbed

 

People always say the past is the past. But I am stuck in the past becuase I have yet to encounter in my future anything that felt as good as being with him. It didn't matter where we went

 

This is EXACTLY how i ve felt since then from my breakup.. the difference is that in my case was 4 years of realtionship previous 8 yrs of friendship.. ive learned many things a lot of self help reading soulsearching and many stuff to improve but i feel same thing that youve described here

[Amanda80]

Hi Alonegirl- You know- it took me 4 years to get over the relationship that rocked the foundation. (incidentally- he got married at the 2 year mark of that & has a kid right now!!!) 4 years- I couldn't believe it- I couldn't date-couldn't have sex with anyone else without bawling- 4 years- I lost weight,then put it back on-(alot more of it, too) then worked it off again. all i can say after surviving yet- another breakup (a guy that i "dated-down" b/c i thought he was safe & wouldn't let me go) is that after the breakup that rocks your world so completely, nothing ever feels as intense- you still feel sad & hopless- but it won't be so bad the next time around- you have done tons of soul searching. you know what you want in a relationship- you are stuck in the pain right now & are not ready yet- I still absolutley HATE the ex that screwed me up so badly, but if it weren't for me examining and analyzing the extreme pain he caused me, i would continue to have very blurry boundaries with friends & family. i wouldn't have made some very significant changes in my life. so- in a warped sense- the breakup was almost the best thing that happned to me. (sorry for the rambling-) you will never completely "let go" of it- it will always be a part of you, part of your very being- but its better as a familiar little shadow or ghost to trail around you- something you can draw its energy in a weird way- some strength- hope this makes some sort of sense...

[tiredofvampires]

I am new on this site as of today (my first post being a GARGANTUAN one of epic length, so sorry guys, on the thread "Jealousy", which tells the gory details of my story and horrible break-up...I'm not sure why the site doesn't show it as a new post though, hmmm....I hope someone reads it and responds, even if it is so long!)

 

My feelings now, 8 months into this break-up are SO much like Still Climbing, I could have written it. Alonegirl: I really, really admire your courage and your brave spirit to go out and accomplish things anyway.

 

My story involves some deeper layers of emotional pain, as I am disabled (with a chronic pain condition that is not visible -- people generally think I'm in good health, but it compromises me in many ways, including the ability to work, which creates a real self-esteem vacuum.) I have lots of ambition, and for the 10 years I've been on disability, I still make efforts in the profession I was trained in, out of my own home. But it has made a huge impact in my feelings of self-worth. I have grown spiritually and emotionally so much as a result of the losses here, (I have been in lots of counseling), and at the time I met my ex bf, I was feeling I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY, I HAVE MUCH TO OFFER with my good heart and soul, and creativity and life-loving attitude. I saw a lot of women who had wonderful husbands who supported them through thick and thin, even when sick (as a marriage vow should mean) and felt that I had a shot at this. I met my guy online, and instantly we had this amazing rapport, even though living half an ocean away. We wrote for 6 months before meeting, and though it was very rocky (he had many more insecurities than I, for other reasons than his health -- he resented the distance in a way I didn't as I am peaceful and patient if love is in my heart and I feel it's just a matter of time ripening, he had trust issues, among other things.) What captivated me most though was that, like you alonegirl, he wanted to be a knight in shining armour. He said that in all his romantic life (which was very experienced, with many ex loves that were sophisticated, bright, and beautiful), he had never felt so deeply for anyone. He said I made everyone else look like ashen asteroids and my spirit to him was a super nova. Over the 13 months that we were together (less than 3 months acutually living together), he kept telling me that he has BEEN AROUND and that no body else will take my place, there is no one like me. At first I was wary of such high pedestal talk and adoration, but he kept saying his world would just be unimaginably lifeless if we didn't work out. Well, he did a lot of doomsday predicting in times of uncertainty (which he generated a LOT of!!!), and I feel that in the end, our demise was due to a lot of things I won't go into again at length here, but here is my problem --

 

This NO CONTACT thing, he initiated it in a total severance, and it made me feel so horribly abandoned and punished, when he said (condemning things about me that were issues for him) he wanted to move on and not hear from me anymore. Somehow, I feel enraged and yes, ROBBED, that though HE did all the worst-case scenarios and told me all this poetic stuff that I finally got to believing, I feel he yanked the rug out from under my feet and now I'M THE ONE WHO IS BLEEDING AND AMPUTATED!!!! Somehow, I feel humiliated, like the joke is on me. You might say that since we lived so far apart at least I could just cleanly drop him like he dropped me, but I can't understand how someone who made me the center of their universe could do that, so I have clung on almost like I am in a state of suspended disbelief that he is going on with his life as it was before when he said he needed me so much. The ONLY signs I have of him are myspace, where I have visited sometimes on a bad day, I've gone to his page a dozen times to hear his music, and to cry, and to read and see things that gore me. I am so shocked that 2 days after he severed all connection to me asking me not to email him anymore, he posted to one of his friends on myspace, "I'm doing great!" I don't know if he was lying, or if in fact after 2 days of losing his "darling forever" (me), he was really over me, but if so, that almost makes me think the entire relationship was based on a fantasy of me and he never even loved me, he just loved love, and now he has coldly just cut me out of his heart. I feel broken that he is not clinging to me, but I to him, even though I was the more balanced one (though he managed to suck me into catering to the "neediness" mentality)...furthermore, he told me many things about how he wanted to take care of me, and dote on me, like his father caring for his very sick mother at old age, that I was full and whole and my spirit lacking nothing, so my physical condition he would just take care of for the rest of his life. This was what I needed to hear, and felt I'd found the man to trust for life....and in fact, I felt a lot more physical wellbeing as a result of all this happiness! Well, when push came to shove he did not really walk the talk about caring for my disability issues after all when it posed some inconveniences, in fact he said a few very hurtful things about it....and now, he's got his life, his job, his new budding relationships intact, whatever....and I am back to square one, having lost a lot of ground with my health due to the stress and emotional pain. I can't say I have all these accolades, I don't have the money on my own for worldly travel as I dream of doing (with a partner some day), and I don't plan on finding another man to replace him as I feel inert as a woman now -- I always have recovered from a broken heart keeping the faith that I would love again, but this time feels different; I question if there is anyone else I could ever believe if they told me I was all that to them; and a lot of the feelings of doubt with my disability that I had overcome, I have regressed with somewhat, wondering if I was hallucinating that "my prince" would be a rock through it. I feel the gash he left, that I am not all he wants after all, and in fact just picked up and went on without me after all that TALK, it just makes me so mad!!!!!! But I love him and don't know how to see us not at least being friends -- he once said that with all the amazing reflections we share, and are kindred spirits, at least if it didn't work out we could be "precious friends." I thought we both needed the other for unique things that we saw in life, and I guess I am alone in that -- I was wrong and he doesn't need me for anything at all, I don't matter to him anymore. I know I matter as a person but I feel that life now has lost its flavor and color, I have great friends and even a few dates, but no one can fill his shoes. I keep hoping there is a day that I will look back like you, alonegirl, and feel this to be a "blessing" but for now I feel my heart isn't just betrayed and broken, but I feel that somehow he has made off with the "goods" -- that he has done the same "no contact" thing you suggest to move on in his life and that makes me feel our bond was worth NOTHING. If only he wanted to still know me!!! You are right, it is doing me no good to keep looking for him on myspace, it's like a compulsion to stay connected even in this pointless way, but I just can't endorse his pulling the plug like that, it was CRUEL, it was HEARTLESS and it's so hard to think that maybe he is the one doing the right thing!!! That's just so unfair! But as you say...it's not fair, is it....oh well, too much for now...sorry this is SO freakin rambly.....I would love some support if anyone can take all this...

[skyjuice]

Hi alone girl,

 

You share an inspiring experience. I am glad that you make improvement in your life. Yes, we do not need a white knight or saviour to be happy.

 

We will achieve to our dream as we improve ourselves bit by bit and working towards it.

 

You go girl!

 

Everyday, I am doing a bit by bit to improve my life. Sometimes, I faced the evil demon of myself-procasination and laziness. I make effort to overcome it. We can do it. As Winston Churchill said, "Never, never, never, never give up."