Help, I'm losing him!

[millaj]

Here I am again, head in the clouds, confused, and depressed. I'm just going to come straight out and say it. I want my ex-fiance back. He wanted me back for years and we tried, but it didn't work. He was too insecure, over-paranoid, and posessive. I had to let him go and move on. I found love and happiness in a woman, but something is missing and I always think about him.. it never goes away.

 

He knows that I am in a relationship with a woman.. so he was dating this woman with 3 kids. All the sudden out of no where, he married her. He is not happy, and he met with my parents a couple weeks ago while they were visiting his town and my mom called me and put me on the phone with him. He said he made a huge mistake. This woman he married beats him, treats him like crap, and is extremely jealous and possesive. He feels trapped now. He told me he still loves me and he made a huge mistake because he thought he would never get me. He'll be 30 in a few days and his goal was to be married, have a house, and a family. He has a house and is married now, but no family b/c she has 3 kids who he takes care of.

 

Whyyyyy.. I feel such a heavy heart right now.. I feel like I want to go up there and save him. I know that he is a man and can make his own choices, but I know also that part of it is me because I am with someone else. But I'm not that happy either and my heart is always with him. What I really want to do is go up there on his birthday weekend, and save him.. knock on their door and save my man.

 

What do you think?? Is this horrible?

[emma34]

Well.. this is a very difficult situation, and to be honest, I don't think it's something you should have to deal with on your own. You have to consider, this man is married, with 3 kids that probably think of him as a father. He is a grown man that does not need your saving. Maybe he is genuine, and I can tell you love him, but be cautious...you don't want to be the one breaking up a 'family'.

 

You cannot 'save' him...and by going up there, you may even find that he won't have open arms with her so close by. Maybe that had just had a particular bad fight...

 

I would say continue to keep contact with him if you like, but again, be cautious. Why is he dragging you in this I wonder?? Maybe he wants to give it a try again, and that would be great for you I guess...but it's not something that could just happen by you 'saving' him. It would take time, and HIS strong decision to leave his wife and her 3 children.

[TijuanaJones]

I had that feeling too... You love someone, this someone is disfunctional, he/she seems lost without somenone to show him the right way, that someone "has" to be you... You and I know that it is already hard enough to come into a relationship with our own issues, so why make it harder trying to solve someone else's issues? I think it would be healthy if you try to recap all the bad things that damaged your relationship in the first place and really think about the effect that those behaviors could have in a new relationship with him. It is easy to "idolize" someone after a while. I forgot to write down all the hurtful things that my ex did to me, and now after a couple of months I'm thinking about having a second chance with her... let's try to dissect our feelings for a while before we make a decision we would regret.

 

He is an adult now and made the mistake of marrying someone who was not right for him. I don't want to criticize him, but I think the fact that he did that speaks poorly of him, and seems like he wants a "quick fix" with you. I don't think it's justified to destroy a family -as disfunctional as it may be- for the sake of "saving him". Plus you know only one side of the story.

 

I'm sorry if I may sound harsh or judgemental, but sometimes it's really difficult to rationalize things when our feelings get in our way.

 

I hope my opinion helps.

 

Take care!

[b2761]

Before you get too far into the fantasy of how it great it would be to be with him again, ask yourself what proof you have that he's actually changed from the way you described him as being earliar "too insecure, over-paranoid, and posessive." While you may feel for him if he's in a bad situation and want to rescue him, that doesn't necessarily mean when the rescuing is over that he's someone you actually want to be with yourself. Maybe he has changed after so many years, but I wouldn't take it for granted.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

it is very hard to watch people we care about make mistakes or decisions that don't turn out well (at least on the surface), but you can't let an impulse to 'save' him guide your judgment at this point.

 

You can't 'save' a grown man, and even if you rush in and try to get him away from this situation, it won't fix any problems you had between you, or reasons for your original breakup etc.

 

You are also are not thinking too much at this point about the lives of 5 other people, his wife & 3 kids, and your own girlfriend... if you feel your relationship is no longer working, then you shoudl end it, but not to ping pong back to your ex without really deciding what the means. And you can't take too lightly disrupting someone else's marriage and children.

 

i think you should first be a good friend and suggest counseling for him, either individually or marriage counseling. he needs to decide to end his marriage because it is wrong for him, and not on a whim or he might resent you or you end up in a caretaker or enabler role, rather than an equal partner with him.

 

so if you feel it is necessary, be a friend first and don't rush into getting back together or trying to 'save' him until everyone has taken time to sort things out.

[millaj]

Thank you all for your responses. I don't have much to respond to, because I just really wanted to read some responses. You are all right, I can't save a grown man. Plus I have my own life and drama to worry about. It's really hard when you are trapped in depression too. I think tomorrow I am going to an arts & crafts workshop to get my mind off things. Thanks for all of your support!

[millaj]

Update.. I called his mom yesterday to talk to her about it. Our families have been friends for a long time, so I knew that she could give me some advice on this matter. She was extremely happy to hear that I still loved him and she told me that she is going to talk to him tonight. Apparently he did make a stupid mistake, and he did it because I was living with my girlfriend and he figured he could never have me.

 

I've always loved him, but there are reasons why it didn't work out. Part of it is me too, and I realize that now. I told his mom that whenever I think about him or talk to him I still get goose bumps and butterflies. She said that he does too and that she really needs to tell him this, because he is stuck in this situation. His mom told me that she told him a few months ago that if he isn't happy, regardless of me or not, then he should divorce her before too much time goes by.

 

I hope that he does it for himself, because I really care about him and don't want him to be unhappy. I love him very much and am willing to work on it. Him and I have a history together and I hope it works out. I feel bad that I am going to end up breaking up with my girlfriend, but it's better to before too much time is invested. She and I have been taking a break, and I told her that I am going to be soul searching over the next couple of weeks.