Ex Cheated, and I Can't Get Mad!!!

[macgyver4ever]

I'll try to make this short so I can get to the point.

 

Last April my Ex made out with my best friend when they were drunk. They had always been very flirtatious with each other, but claimed there was nothing there. I could have gotten past this drunken mistake, but I was planning to propose 3 weeks after this event, so I was devastated. My ex never forgave herself after learning this, and a few months later began having an emotional affair with a coworker as a way to get out of the relationship.

 

After learning that my suspicions were correct, and she was interested in the other guy, I broke up with her. We continued to try to work on things, because at this time we had been together for over 4 years. I went to NC, and she came back, but wouldn't end it with him, but decided to try counseling. Between counseling sessions, she must have messed around with her other boyfriend, and decided instead of telling me, to just end it. (This last part is speculation, but I am 90% positive it is true)

 

The entire time this was going on she was very rude, and disrespectful to me and her family. She's gone into a "Party Phase" and only wants freedom to do whatever she wants, not matter the consequences. I know this is because of cold-feet, guilt of what she had done, and fear of what she has missed out on while she was with me.

 

After All of this I should be VERY upset, but I'm not. We stopped trying to work things out about 6 weeks ago, and have only spoken 2 times. I can't see to be ANGRY with her, and still love her. IS there ANYTHING I can do to get this anger out, and to be mad. I should not want this person back in my life, but it is all I can think about. For some reason after I decided I wanted to marry her, I began to love her unconditionally, and now I can't seem to go back. Any tips, suggestions?

 

How do you hate someone you love?

[Locke2121]

By hating them. Hate isn't a bad thing. It is simply a response to feelings of helplessness, among other things.

 

I can't tell you how to hate. But being mad is something else entirely.

 

she came back, but wouldn't end it with him

 

That would $$$$ me off so bad! Right there is a perfect example of having your cake and eating it too. Your a doormat to her, how does that make you feel?

[Honey Pumpkin]

I've been reading a book called 'I can mend your broken heart' by Paul McKenna - it has a hypnosis CD as part of it, and some really *really* good exercises. It's interesting, sort of about stopping the pain and learning to move on. Don't know if it would work for everyone, or in every case, but some of the techniques are pretty good. Feels kind of practical, about visualisation and so on, rather than feeling that you have to go through the pain endlessly.

[macgyver4ever]

I've been reading a book called 'I can mend your broken heart' by Paul McKenna - it has a hypnosis CD as part of it, and some really *really* good exercises. It's interesting, sort of about stopping the pain and learning to move on. Don't know if it would work for everyone, or in every case, but some of the techniques are pretty good. Feels kind of practical, about visualisation and so on, rather than feeling that you have to go through the pain endlessly.

 

How is this book working for you?

[Hope75]

I don't think you need to hate her, you just need to love yourself enough to know that you deserve better treatment and since she won't give that to you, what's left to say?

[macgyver4ever]

I don't think you need to hate her, you just need to love yourself enough to know that you deserve better treatment and since she won't give that to you, what's left to say?

 

Does the fact that she used to treat me great mean anything anymore, or after something like this, should all of the good things be negated?

 

I feel that I may be holding on too tightly to the woman I fell in love with, and dismissing the disrespectful little girl she has become.

[caro33]

Does the fact that she used to treat me great mean anything anymore, or after something like this, should all of the good things be negated?

 

I feel that I may be holding on too tightly to the woman I fell in love with, and dismissing the disrespectful little girl she has become.

 

My own view is that good things should not be negated, but your last point is probably closer to the reality. You perhaps had a vision of who she was, which seemed 100% and three-dimensional. You then received information about who she was that just didn't tally - you chose perhaps to reject it as outlier information. "Can't be true, this just doesn't match what I know."

 

What you have then to come to terms with (again, perhaps) is that she is not (and maybe never was) the person you thought she was originally was, and she is also not the person you think she is now. She's something else. She's just what she is. The characteristics that are coming to the fore now were probably always there, just not expressed in the same way. Her own sense of esteem might have shifted also.

 

But don't kid yourself: she is 100% and she is three-dimensional, but maybe just in a way you have not worked out yet. You may never work it out. We all have our images of the person we love, images that may be true in a given instant or given day. But people change, they evolve, they devolve sometimes. Her basic characteristics may not truly change, but like any of us she is no doubt a confusion of conflicting emotions and needs, and sometimes these things rebalance in ways we could not foresee.

 

It is appealing to look at her now and hope the old her comes back, but it's more complex than that. However, the fact that are grieving who you loved and thought she was is real enough, and it really takes time to feel better about things and come to terms with the hurt and loss.

[askauntamy]

You know, not everyone gets angry right away. Not everyone follows those "five stages of grief." And that's ok.

 

But you're idolizing her! She cheated on you! She didn't think enough of you to break up with you, choosing an emotional affair as the cheap way to do it. What kind of person does that? Certainly not a person who deserves your love.

 

Forget anger. You've got to move on from thinking you love her unconditionally like an abused puppy dog.

[Hope75]

Does the fact that she used to treat me great mean anything anymore, or after something like this, should all of the good things be negated?

 

I feel that I may be holding on too tightly to the woman I fell in love with, and dismissing the disrespectful little girl she has become.

 

I don't think your memories of good things with her have to be negated, but if she is treating you poorly now, I tend to pay more attention to that then to hang on to good memories of her in your past as a reason to want her back.

 

I lived with an ex for 5 years who beat the heck out of me- but the for the first year he was good to me. I still have fond memories of our good times from so many years ago, but I wouldn't take him back after the way he treated me later.

[tmp0620]

I got pissed off just reading that, but you can't get angry? Just think about what she did to you, how she acted only in her own self interest etc. etc. etc. etc.

 

You should be pissed!

[GQstatus]

Mac I've been following your posts, and I feel for you bro. It SUCKS loving someone who has chosen to walk the other way. I went through my "angry" stage right after me and my ex split for the second time. I had already went through the crying and moping stage the first time we split, and when we broke the second time around I was P****D! For almost a month, I was just angry. And it helped a lot, cuz I had NO intentions to call her, or talk to her period.

 

That anger started to fade around the same time she started contacted me again, and a part of me wishes I could get it back.

 

My ex never forgave herself after learning this, and a few months later began having an emotional affair with a coworker as a way to get out of the relationship.

 

I noticed you say that in just about every post you have. Her not "forgiving" herself is not why she cheated again. That is her EXCUSE. She knew that you were sticking around, and decided to go out and find another guy to replace you. And knew that if that didn't work out, she could come back to you and be "safe" until someone else came alone.

 

Is that what you think you're "worth"? Second best? No stinkin way! You're worth being number 1 in someones life who claims to love you. If she's going through her "party phase", let her. If she's having problems with her family now, when she usually hasn't, more than likely she'll eventually fall on her face. And when you're not there to pick her up, that's when she'll realize what she HAD.

 

Been there, done that my man. You gotta love yourself more than you love this girl. When you get to that point, you won't care who and what she's doing. Keep your head up man. When you think about it, things can only GET BETTER from here on out. You've been through the worst of it, now you just gotta climb your way out of that hole.

[macgyver4ever]

Here's what I did to help.

 

I made a list of all the bad things she has done to me in our entire relationship. It was a lot of things, and 95% of them happened in the last 9 months, when she cheated two times.

 

Then I read through the list and noted why I shouldn't want to be with her. I now have this to go back to every time I think I want her back. I forget about all the times she wouldn't answer my calls because she was with ehr friends, or the fact her parents are losing their house because of her. Having a list to go back to should help me put her behind me. She even told me once after we were broken up, but trying to fix things, that she looked better now than she ever has in her life, and she wants to enjoy it, basically saying, that she is too attractive to be with me.

 

What a sweetheart she turned into!!!

[Honey Pumpkin]

How is this book working for you?

 

I got 'stuck' and couldn't move on. So this was really helpful for me - somehow brought me back on a more even keel, and helped to me to see clearly.

 

I think the problem with break-ups is that you can get caught in a 'loop' of emotions, rather than working through it. That's something that happened to me, and it was very debilitating. So this book seemed to offer practical ways forward - I think a lot of it is based on NLP, as well, rather than strength of will!

 

Anyway, good luck with your situation

[Hope75]

A list is a very good idea- it's tangible evidence of the way she acted and treated you. Your list has some very good reasons why she doesn't deserve a place in your list of priorities.

[midnightrambler]

By hating them. Hate isn't a bad thing. It is simply a response to feelings of helplessness, among other things.

 

I can't tell you how to hate. But being mad is something else entirely.

 

 

 

That would $$$$ me off so bad! Right there is a perfect example of having your cake and eating it too. Your a doormat to her, how does that make you feel?

 

lol i agree

[macgyver4ever]

I got 'stuck' and couldn't move on. So this was really helpful for me - somehow brought me back on a more even keel, and helped to me to see clearly.

 

I think the problem with break-ups is that you can get caught in a 'loop' of emotions, rather than working through it. That's something that happened to me, and it was very debilitating. So this book seemed to offer practical ways forward - I think a lot of it is based on NLP, as well, rather than strength of will!

 

Anyway, good luck with your situation

 

I tried to find this book, but I didn't see one with a cd with it. Where did you find it?

 

Locke-

I'm not real proud of being a doormat, but by you pointing it out it did make me upset. Not at you really, but at myself and that she would treat me that way. I realized that I turned into a wuss, and let her get away with anything. I've been reading up on this, and will hopefully learn a lot about myself and learn to stand up for myself soon. It's always been a weakness of mine.