Regrets/thoughts on love and timing, etc

[purplekangaroo]

Folks~

 

I really enjoy this forum. I'm uplifted by the things I read here.

 

I wanted to post today about a situation I'm dealing with, and maybe get some responses and shared experiences.

 

I lost a man I truly loved several months ago...he gave me standard reasons for leaving: "future incompabilities," etc, though he did express deep emotion at the breakup. (I started a thread earlier, before I realized what may have really happened between us ->) I realized later that these were probably not the real reasons he left me...I'd been depressed for months and hadn't noticed. All the symptoms were there--weight gain, change in sleep pattern, reduced interest in the future and sex--but I missed them. (My mother, who I am very close to, is terminally ill, and I didn't realize how poorly I was handling the situation until too late.) I became somewhat naggy, needy, irresponsible, and just generally smiled a whole lot less. I'm sure I was no longer a pleasure to be around.

 

I'm very regretful because I understand many things now that I simply DIDN'T before in the relationship. Obviously, I cannot be blamed for being distraught about my family situation, but I CAN be expected to deal with it in a productive manner. Furthermore, I feel like we're just not at the right stage of life to really fight for love (at least, he isn't)--we're somewhat young (both 24) and he has very little relationship experience.

 

Since the breakup, I've regained my grip on my grief, lost the weight, gotten my sex drive back, looked forward to the future, and otherwise improved things. But I don't know how to show him this without freaking him out.

 

This person is someone who I'd like to spend the rest of my life with, but I feel like I've lost him because of poor timing, etc. I saw him today for the first time in a long time--we shared an enjoyable lunch with some level of chemistry, but I feel like he'll never see me as a person he could be with again.

 

Anyone have any advice on how to deal with these regrets or how to make them go away by winning this person back? I know I need to move forward, and I'll look for others simultaneously...but he is someone about whom I care deeply. I'd also appreciate shared experiences...I love to hear others' stories. Especially others who look like this: because it is just awesome

[macgyver4ever]

I would recommend trying to meet with him again casually. Be positive, upbeat, and show him that you changed. Don't tell him. If that goes well, hopefully you two will start talking on the phone more, and if things keep going well, you can tell him how you feel, and want to give things a second chance.

 

Hold your cards close until the time is right. Think about what things were like when you first started dating, and what attracted him to you. Try to recreate that same spark.

 

I have no experiences to share, just some advice.

[b2761]

You shouldn't base your feelings on what can or can't happen on one get together. By having more of them, you'll both be able to see whether you want to be involved together again.

[solarplexus]

Your situation seems to be a quite positive one. You have done the right things for yourself and you are already moving along. Seems that he can not hurt you at this moment. I do not want to give you hope but I think that the cards are in your hands to play. Show him what you would like to give. Lots of appreciation and affection. I believe that will stimulate the baby in him. Nobody can say "no" to that.

Just my idea.

Good luck.

[purplekangaroo]

Thanks, both of you. I hope your name means you like macgyver, because man, does he rock.

[macgyver4ever]

Thanks, both of you. I hope your name means you like macgyver, because man, does he rock.

 

Mac is the Man. I painted a huge painting of just his face. It is awesome. Let me know if you would like to see it. I can send you a link.

[sweet1]

Unfortunately, I don't have the experience to help guide you on your regrets as I am currently going through the same but I have tried to read up on things to get some perspective and I can share some of that advice that may help you.

 

Getting over your regrets and winning him back is two different things.

 

Only you can get over your regrets by forgiving yourself and accepting what has past is past and a you are a stronger person for getting yourself out of the depression. Once you are able to accept your mistakes can you then start winning him back.

 

As for winning him back, it sounded like the relationship started to fail because of the loss of attraction. If that is the case, then you first need to get the attraction level up first. Spend time with him and have fun. Do not pressure him or talk about the relationship. Just have fun and be flirty. No neediness or any sign you want to get back with him. (Hence part of getting rid of the neediness is by forgiving yourself and being happy with where you are.)

 

But just make sure you really want him back as to do this would seem to take a lot of strength.

[purplekangaroo]

I'd love to see this painting of Mac. My friend has the Macgyver theme song as his cell phone ring, which is clearly phenomenal.

 

I appreciate the support here. I'm feeling so frustrated and sad, but it comes and it goes. I'm frustrated because I want to show my ex that I have a good idea of what went wrong, etc, and I really do feel like I've made such a big difference in my mentality since January. (I'm definitely one of those people who grows personally in peaks as opposed to gradually...recognizing the problem of depression was 90 percent of the battle for me.) But you can't go running to someone and be like, "Look at me - I've changed!" It's just so unconvincing, usually. And it's also possible that he is too underdeveloped to appreciate such things even if I did show it gradually, in which case he is probably not worth the effort. But when we were dating, there was so much I didn't recognize about self-restraint, my own future desires, etc...sigh. Regrets, regrets.

 

I've agreed with myself to only contact him once every two weeks (if that) to set up lunch dates, etc, unless he contacts me first. And I am planning on going to some singles events to boost my confidence and meet some cool new peeps. But I really, really wish I could do more to get this one back...I really saw my future with him and his family, and it's so sad to see that disappear.

 

I'm not actually drinking, but this was just too cute.