No Contact - What I've learnt

[needingadvice]

After splitting with my ex 8 months ago and having a very turbulent relationship, I have now over the last fortnight began to realise that for me personally, what most people say on here about NC being the way to heal is totally true. I didn't want to or couldn't implement it before - I kept thinking if I go totally he'll forget me. Now I realise that NC is to help me and not to make him miss me. I wont lie - it would be nice to think that now I've finally stopped communicating with him he will think of me - but I have to do this to be able to move on myself as I couldnt continue the way I was - clinging onto false hope. I used to think if I just say this or do this he will realise he wants to be with me - he didnt. There was only so much I could say and I had began to realise I was making myself look so needy, as after the way he treated me he certainly did not deserve me asking for him back!! I still dont understand why I miss him so much. I do. But after 10 days total NC I have times now when I laugh and forget - even if just for a while. I still sometimes feel like it's hitting me like a wave - I am overcome with grief and jsut want to talk to him. I must admit the thought of him never having any part in my life ever is still terrifying. I do know that if I contact him and he doesnt reply I'll be hurt, if I contact him and he is fine and happy, I'll hurt, and if I contact him and he's missing me terribly and wants to be together, I know deepdown we won't work and I'll only end up back here - so NC is the only option. Also, as he has treated me badly, by contacting him I am making it look like I find his behaviour in our relationship was acceptable - it wasnt. I have to be strong now, and to anyone at the beginning of a break-up, I would say now, I do believe the sooner you start NC the better for yourself.

[b2761]

Needing- in showing how all the various replies you could get would still hurt, you've explained the upside of NC very very well. You're headed in the right direction.

[sweetharmony]

Hi needingadvice, good to hear that you're realizing that NC is the way to go. it's ok if you didn't see it at first. sometimes you have to go through those months of contact and it NOT working, to come to terms and learn form experience. I also thought no contact is not the way to go. in the past, I would rationalize why MY relationships were different. it's been roughly 6 weeks of NC (well a few e-mails for reasons. The first 3 weeks were misery and I literally wanted to die! i could barely function, but i swore i wouldn't contact him for reasons other than specifics.

 

he emailed me to ask me something and then i replied and asked if it would be ok to ask him for comouter advice. he replied he would be glad to help, but then didn't reply. i cried for an hour the next day. ok minor setback, but not completely. i realized NC is the way to go. after not getting the response i wanted from him, i felt crushed once again. at least with NC i was in control of my feelings and not letting him rule them. i'm back NC and feel much better. it seems that these 6 weeks of healing could have been long and drawn out...i'm finally realizing its over and no chance of reconciliation. i have less desire to get back with him (ok lying a little), but it really does seem somewhat easier than all the questions...what did he mean by this, or what does his e-mail imply? with NC there isn't any of that.

[needingadvice]

thank you all for your replies - the advice on here is excellent i find and i wish i had followed it sooner to hopefully be even further moved on today, but i guess sometimes you do have to realise for yourself something is not working (ie keeping contact) before you can finally face going NC and helping yourself to feel better.

 

It does get easier, even after just a week or two - but I think you have to want to let it, and just be prpared to have low moments when it still feels so so painful - but remember they too will pass. maybe eventually, this will not even feel painful - i hope so. I have realised now thou it is very easy to be negative, but I've been that for so long, I am the one that has to try now.

[Twistedwhispers]

aww well done! i totally understand what ur saying about how u no its never going to work so not contact is the best thing to do....Im trying to do that right now, but its so hard! im determined not to give up though because i dont want him to think i need him.....even though i think about him 24/7 x

[Wandering_Sword]

NC did wonders for me. The first month was down right brutal, but after that everything started getting easier (still hard but not like that first month) and once the fourth month rolls by everything starts getting good and I mean really good (the twinges still exist but they don't stay).