In love but in doubt

[Jen40]

I am separated from my ex for more than a year already and divorce is almost final.Six months after the separation I met somebody and in a span of 2 weeks we were living together.He told me that he is separated from his wife for about five years already.He also has 2 kids which he have not seen in two years because they live in another country.Five months of living together with him I learned a lot of things about him that he deliberately hide from me.I later learned that he came to the US as a tourist then overstayed,in other words he is an illegal in this country.He said that he is working in an electronic company which I later learned was not true.He made me believe that he resigned from this job because he wanted to be with me since this job is an hour commute from where I live.Truth is he does some handyman work and gets paid under the table.Inspite of all this untruthfulness in the beginning of our relationship I really feel he came to love me and I love him inspite of everything.I talked to him when I learned about the whole situation and he simply said that what's important is he loves me and wants to spent the rest of his life with me.He already filed a divorce from his wife and the plan is we will be getting married as soon as everything is straightened out.I like to believe that he has clean intentions on me but at the back of my mind is the doubt that he only wants to marry me so that he can have legal status in this country.Another thing that bothers me is he sent most of his income to his kids in another country.He does not have a fix income and I have to do most of the car payments that he uses but is under my name.He gives me money but its not enough to cover his own expenses.I want to say something to him about this but I don't want to offend him since he helps me by taking care of my kids when I'm at work.He seem to genuinely love them and he is a good father figure to them.He does most of the housework when he is not working.I don't want to start conflicts related to money matters.Besides I feel like he helped me get through a nasty divorce.I do love him so much and inspite of our circumstances I feel like he is a good person in many ways...but there is still that doubt at the back of my mind that I am just too blind to see the real thing.Or just too tired to go through another break up.

[Jetta]

I don't like the idea that he's caring for your kids. You really don't know who this man is. He could be a criminal for all you know. Being illegal in this country is a big deal, and yes my thought is he wants to marry you to become legal too. Do a background check on him. You already have some red flags with being illegal.

[ghost69]

how do you file for a divorce and finish up the paperwork when you are in another country. aren't you fearful he will take off on you after you marry? how will you get married here when he isn't legal here? i know a lot of people come here from mexico (mostly guys) to work here for the opportunity for their family and send money back to them. i don't know where he is from though. but i hope you aren't being taken for a ride here.

[Shadows Light]

If there is a bit of "Doubt" in your heart... "LISTEN TO IT" don't ignore it.

 

He's misrepresented himself and lied about a number of things. Is that a way to start a NEW relationship? No. It has nothing to do with LOVE or not loving someone. It has to do with BOUNDARIES.... and if you feel your personal boundaries have been crossed and over run... don't hold back your thoughts and feelings. Let him have it. Do not feel like you "OWE" him cause he helped you here and helped you there. If you feel like you are being manipulated, used and he's not being entirely honest with you... listen to your GUT instinct. Tackle it.

 

You just got out of a Marriage.... why would you get into another one so soon if you have misgivings?????? Give yourself a break.... whats the rush???? as you said, if there are no ulterior motives like.. lets say "residential alien status..." then that little itsy bitsy piece of paper won't matter to him right????

 

Finances.... don't mix up finances with LOVE... two separete things. You have children to take care of and this guy can't provide for himself. He's taking money out of your kids mouths to support himself..... Baahhhhhhh. You have every right to feel like he's using you for $$$... cause if he can't support himself.... HE IS. Lets call it like it is. Tell him to get off his hiney and GET A JOB.

 

Dont' second guess yourself. Listen to your female intution. As we women have children, instinct kicks in, we are programmed to sense danger and to protect our young.... too often we don't listen to these natural instincts. LISTEN TO THEM.

[StillClimbing]

This is a tough situation. He is probably a good guy, but misled you in the beginning because he wanted a chance with you.

 

If you're worried about him just using you for the marriage/citizenship, just put off getting married (tell him you'd want to wait at least 3 years) and continue living with him as you are. If he doens't stick around then you have your answer.

 

Immigration is a really difficult thing. I feel so much empathy for those who want to badly to work and live in this country, to contribute to this society and see a better life for their families. "Illegals" are NOT bad people. They are just people who didn't have the luxury of being born here. Give him a chance. HE sounds like he is pulling his weight. And of course he is sending money home. That's why he came here to begin with! Would you want him to just forget his family?

[northwoods]

Wow - I don't even know where to begin. Your caution flags are up for a reason... you should listen to them.

[ghost69]

if i met a chick in this situation first of all i'd list the things i don't like.

 

1. she had kids

2. she is still married

3. she is illegal

 

# 3 wouldn't bother me quite as much. might be kind of sexy actually.

[lizziebee]

Omigosh..all of the above are great responses....But my first one was right out of the old Potergeist movie..... GET OOOUUUUUUTTTT!!!

[Batya33]

I think if you had been in a clear state of mind when you chose to have you and your children get involved with this man, you would have known -- or done your best to figure out -- that he was lying to you - but since you apparently were so focused on jumping into another relationship, you chose not to look into whether how he represented himself made sense. Clearly, since you decided to let your kids get involved with this near stranger, had you had a clear perspective you would have at least run one of those low cost internet searches on him, confirmed that he worked where he said he worked, his marital status, immigration status, etc.

 

I say, for the sake of your children who have been through enough turmoil already with the separation and then with moving in with this complete stranger, get out of this situation and stay single for at least a year while you focus on your children and in getting your mind clear and learning how to be single and independent.

[Jen40]

Thanks for your input.I already talked to his mom and his sisters and I met a couple of people who knows him way back so being a criminal or something like that is out of the question.I also saw his credentials as an engineer by profession and he used to work in a big company in Singapore.He used to come here in the US to attend conferences and training and I saw certificates from these trainings.He said he was tired of his stressful corporate jobs that does not really provide financial security for him.Besides,he was not really happy with his wife that's why he came to the US to find a better life.He has plans and dreams in life and he is very hardworking.He knows plumbing,electrical and everything else about construction.We have the same passion with investing in real state and about house makeovers.Aside from his lie about his immigrant status everything else does not appear to be a lie.I love him because he is a very caring person and treats me like a queen.My kids love him and is very close to him.He has good sides that I don't want to waste because what if he is the one for me.

[fnlyfrei]

Red flags and nagging doubts are there in your mind/heart..for a reason. Always trust your gut instinct...especially when it is screaming at you !

You should have not moved in with someone so soon....and you should have given yourself some time before plunging headlong into another relationship.

It might have seemed romantic and terrific at the time, but logically..you weren't being very logical. There is more to this whole thing than you and him..there are your kids. Get him out of there.

[Batya33]

You've only known him 6 months and thereforeeee you do not know whether he is a good person - you do know that his values permit him to lie about something material to someone he supposedly loves. Not a great role model for your kids. It sounds like you moved in at the speed of light, while you were still a married woman and allowed your kids to get attached to a near stranger. Please reconsider.

[ghost69]

flat out sounds to me like he is using you. There are a lot of 'we like' statements in here. how much of the 'we likes' did you do before you met him? like your investing in real estate?

[sweetharmony]

read this thread below. not sure it is quite the same situation, but I'd be weary. something similar in the fact that in both cases, there is lying, foreigner who wants US citizenship through marraige and is sending money back to family in other country. be careful...seems like these situations happen more than you think.