loveable_hippie Posted March 29, 2007 Share Posted March 29, 2007 I am a 22 year old woman, happily married to a 40 year old man, I love him more than anything in the world and would never trade him for anything however I am having a problem with the way we are spoken to in public. Last night we went to dinner with our 7 month old daughter, the waitress was wonderful and the food superb but when it was time to pay, the waitress said as I was pulling the credit card out of my purse "how nice of you to bring your father out to dinner" then she looked at him and said "your grand daughter is just beautiful". I know that it is unusual to see a couple with so many years between their ages but how do you explain to people who say things like that without sounding rude that this is a marrage not a parrent/child relationship. Also when people say things like this to my husband he gets upset and thinks that the person is being rude, we deal with this not only from strangers but also from people at work. He hurt his back when we moved into our house and when he called in to work the next few days his boss said to him "can't you keep up with your 20 year old wife" I would love advice from anyone on how to deal with this it is beginning to become a big problem and we are starting to not want to go out together anymore. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Siriana Posted March 29, 2007 Share Posted March 29, 2007 Oh, don't worry. This is just something you have to deal with it. It is akward to some people but it's your life, you're happy and no one else is living your life except you. People don't know whats going on behind closed doors - if you're happy in your home walk proud with your family and keep having nice family dinners. I don't think the waitress was rude - she was trying to be nice and made a mistake. I wouldn't be angry at her. She made a mistake but didn't have wrong intentions. She was a little bit unprofessional, for shure...but if it's not in wrong intention it's nice to tolerate. I am shure if you said politely, oh, no this is my housband she would say 1000 sorry. The comment from the guy on work was rude - but he again I guess has no idea he's just a rude male who's not grown up. Just be happy - many people would give anything to have a great husband and a beautiful child. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luvursmile Posted March 29, 2007 Share Posted March 29, 2007 It is rude. Just ignore them. next t ime, just politely say "He's not my father, he's my husband, and this is our daughter." Plain & simple. Its none of their business, and they shouldnt just assume things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheFoglifter Posted March 29, 2007 Share Posted March 29, 2007 I think this is out of your control. The only thing you can change is your reaction to it. Your husband is old enough to be your father, and thats what people are going to see. Perhaps next time someone makes a comment like that, you can remind yourselves that the person making the comment would be lucky to ever find a love as strong as the one you have with your husband. Age-gap relationships take strength, and people who make fun of them don't have what it takes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dako Posted March 29, 2007 Share Posted March 29, 2007 I'm sure these situations crossed your mind when you married. You're lucky to have such a relationshiip. Don't let narrow minded pepole drive you to hide. Some people are awkward around couples who don't fit some preconceived notion. Age gap, racial, cultural, or other differences throw off these people's radar even if they have good intentions. I'm guilty of asking a non-pregnant woman about the baby, and telling a quadraplegic coworker that it's cool he gets to use the frieght elevator. It takes just seconds to be stupid. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jetta Posted March 29, 2007 Share Posted March 29, 2007 Is there anything he can do to look younger? As in if his hair is gray, color it? My friends boyfriend is in his 40's and looks like he's in his 60's (to me anyway). We all thought he was too old for her when they met. You choose to marry a man much older, and there are consequences of that. The world sees what it sees. Now we've adjusted to my friend and her older boyfriend. They're a couple, but the world may react differently (who knows). All you can do is speak, tell them that he's your husband, they'll apologize and correct themselves. On the upside they said you're baby is beautiful. Congratulations. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Biffy Posted March 29, 2007 Share Posted March 29, 2007 You shouldn't worry what other people think of you.. everyone knows this but it's easier said than done. There is a cure though - tell your husband to spend a week wearing a gingham dress, army boots and a pink beret whenever he is out in public. He'll soon get over being embarrassed - people thinking that you're his daughter will be water off a duck's back after that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luvursmile Posted March 29, 2007 Share Posted March 29, 2007 I'm guilty of asking a non-pregnant woman about the baby LOL! Ive done that too, I felt so stupid. I once asked a former co-worker (who I had confused with another--I was new), "So, whens the baby due?" She was like "uh, Im not pregnant." I was like "oops!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snoopy24 Posted March 29, 2007 Share Posted March 29, 2007 Well I'm not trying to be rude, but that is what people will expect with a huge age gap like like. It's not really the norm. For instance when I was younger I was at my friends house and her "dad" walked passed. He was 80 years old. We were like 17. So of course I said "oh is that your grandpa" and she corrected me. If you love eachother it really shouldn't matter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Biffy Posted March 29, 2007 Share Posted March 29, 2007 LOL! Ive done that too, I felt so stupid. I once asked a former co-worker (who I had confused with another--I was new), "So, whens the baby due?" She was like "uh, Im not pregnant." I was like "oops!" We've all been there! I have a knack of subconsciously knowing what not to say to someone and saying it. I will never again offer my seat on a train/ bus to a woman I think is pregnant unless I'm sure they are - I'm talking holding a book about picking baby names or tips for parenting in one hand and a big flashing neon sign saying "I'm pregnant" in the other. I've had to get off a train before at a stop nowhere near where I wanted to go out of embarrassment after I offered my seat to a lady who was just carrying a few extra pounds. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
b2761 Posted March 29, 2007 Share Posted March 29, 2007 I'd just focus on how lucky you are to be with someone you care about, and you should both just try to learn to laugh at such mistakes. And when someone like the boss- who knows the story- makes a crack like he did, your husband should just laughingly accept it for what it is- envy! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chickidee23 Posted March 29, 2007 Share Posted March 29, 2007 Why not just laugh about it? You are obviously both in love so who cares what anyone else in this world thinks? Don't let other peoples ignorances and judgements affect your life so much! It's your life, do what makes YOU happy! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clementine orange Posted March 29, 2007 Share Posted March 29, 2007 There is just alot of really dumb, insensitive and thoughtless peeps out there. The only thing we can really do is try not to be one ourselves. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarnelianButterfly Posted March 29, 2007 Share Posted March 29, 2007 Is there anything he can do to look younger? As in if his hair is gray, color it? He should not change anything, it is not his responsiblity to make himself look like someone else to fit some preconcieved ideal of what a good couple should look like. and there are consequences of that. The world sees what it sees. No there aren't, they are at no fault for their relationship, the people who speak out of turn are the ones that are wrong. People should learn to keep their opinions to themselves about things that are none of their business. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachelle Posted March 29, 2007 Share Posted March 29, 2007 Hmm...fist understand that I've only read your original post, loveable hippie, and not all the responses. K. Seems to me that there's only 18 years difference right? That's quite a bit, but that would make him a pretty young father for having a 22 year old daughter. Does he look his age, or has he aged beyond 40 years? Because a lot of 40 year old people don't look that old...some even look closeer to early 30's at 40 than they do 40. And how bout you? do you look your age or are you young looking for your age(although you are young) i mean do you look more like a teenager? bottom line is, unless you age some, to catch up with him some more, it's not going to get better. he can only get older looking, and more quickly than you. but you two are married, in love and have a child together. to hell with everyone else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dako Posted March 29, 2007 Share Posted March 29, 2007 I think some people want to blame this couple's appearance for the problem. I see no reason for them to put on a cosmetic act in public so idiots aren't challenged by reality. Vanity isn't a cure for this, but resolve might help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rose2summer Posted March 29, 2007 Share Posted March 29, 2007 I had the same problem, my ex was older than me, and people would say, why are you with an old man. I look younger than my age and he looked older. What can you do about it? Not much except ignore them and their ignorance. Hugs, Rose Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachelle Posted March 29, 2007 Share Posted March 29, 2007 Unfortunately appearances matter a lot in society. Too much so. People who don't know them will only look skin deep. What they see is one older guy and a really young looking woman. (and a baby) Most people will not look beyond apperances. (that they appear to be too far apart in age) Aren't first impressions important? And rose2summer is 100% correct. You can't do squat about it but ignore them and their ignorance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarnelianButterfly Posted March 29, 2007 Share Posted March 29, 2007 Accepting ignorance and not trying to change it are as bad as being ignorant yourself. Too many people choose to just look the other way, when in fact if people would say something and make an effort to change the mind set and show the world it needs to look past superficial qualities. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dako Posted March 29, 2007 Share Posted March 29, 2007 That's my point. You can't change the world by hiding or changing your appearance. Appearance may matter, but as a 54 year-old, I don't dye my hair or get Botox so society treats me like I'm 40. I plan to enter a job field typically filled with young women. I'm sure to get some raised eyebrows, but I'll work it for laughs. Life's too short to spend in front of the mirror. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the empty drawer Posted March 29, 2007 Share Posted March 29, 2007 Well you may not be able to avoid every misunderstanding moment but there are certianly things you can do to prevent a correction on you and your husband's status. Like next time to you out to a resturant you could start out by saying to the waiter "My husband and I would both like Diet Cokes" or some other thing, like "My husband and I want to know if there are any special deals on the menu today?". That way you are very bluntly explaining your relationship but because you brought it up first there is no awkward correcting moment. Also, you could keep going out to the same public places so that the people who work there get used to seeing you two and your child. Then it won't be anything unusual. Good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dako Posted March 29, 2007 Share Posted March 29, 2007 That way you are very bluntly explaining your relationship but because you brought it up first there is no awkward correcting moment. How many of us feel a need to explain our relationship to a stranger? A show of hands, please. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the empty drawer Posted March 29, 2007 Share Posted March 29, 2007 How many of us feel a need to explain our relationship to a stranger? A show of hands, please.Aw but my point was showing a subtle way to proclaim (not explain) where its not obvious what the intent was behind saying something like "My husband and I" was on purpose. People DO speak like that, it's not strange to do so. I just thought she might purposely do say such things. And it's not too different from other public displays of affection. Added...I guess I did say "explain" in my first post didn't I? I should have said "proclaim". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dako Posted March 29, 2007 Share Posted March 29, 2007 I see what you mean, ED. Defuse the matter gracefully. Maybe a big kiss would be sufficient. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the empty drawer Posted March 29, 2007 Share Posted March 29, 2007 I see what you mean, ED. Defuse the matter gracefully. Maybe a big kiss would be sufficient. image removed Indeed! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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