Dont care or that shy

[Multivitamin]

So, if a guy who wins an award for being that shy around you, makes no attempt to ask you ANY personal questions (he has no problem talking abt himself-even if not asked)

 

but keeps on approaching you everyday to make irrelevant long conversations about someone else, or work, Is it a horrible sign?

 

Its so weird, Im sure this guy wudnt even ask me what happened if I came in with a fracture(hypothetically). He'd just stare at me, and my fracture for a loong time, and I'd stare back...and then finally he'll say................" hi. "

 

 

[GQstatus]

Sounds to me like he might not have that much experience with women. He might be intimidated by you, thereforeee makes up reasons to actually talk *to you*, rather than try and get to know you. If that makes sense.

 

Either that, or he's very vain and just likes to talk about himself.

[Batya33]

If he is sincerely interested he will ask you out on a date he plans in advance. I have been asked out by extremely shy guys - if they were sincerely interested they got up the courage. Here, it's easy- he already talks to you regularly so it's not such a leap to say "hey want to continue this conversation over lunch?" If you say yes then his risk in asking you out on a proper date is minimal. Or you can suggest the two of you have lunch during the work day.

 

Of course, I am wondering why you are interested given his indifference toward you but maybe that is part of the intrigue.

 

Good luck!

[Altruist]

Is this the same guy that you referred to in your other post?

[Multivitamin]

Is this the same guy that you referred to in your other post?

 

 

Yeah that him...my case study.

[Dating Coach]

I'd say that person is socially challenged.

[b2761]

of course, if you're actually interested in him, the next time he slides up to you to be Mr Irrelevant Guy, you could just take the bull by the horns yourself and say something like "Hey- want to go to a movie with me." Do it now before it builds up to something big in your head- that way if he says "No", you know not to waste your time thinking of him in that way.

[Clementine orange]

People tend to talk about what they know and love.

Personally I would find that kind of self-centredness really annoying

[Multivitamin]

People tend to talk about what they know and love.

Personally I would find that kind of self-centredness really annoying

 

well...he doesnt talk abt himself..he talks about a lot of things, sometimes he doesnt say anything, sometimes he rambles on and on.

 

Hes a very sweet guy, if I ever mention a problem, he'll immediately help me out, and If i ever talk about something, he'll ask me basic questions just to keep the conversation going.

[Clementine orange]

^^^maybe he just needs some coaxing

[Batya33]

well...he doesnt talk abt himself..he talks about a lot of things, sometimes he doesnt say anything, sometimes he rambles on and on.

 

Hes a very sweet guy, if I ever mention a problem, he'll immediately help me out, and If i ever talk about something, he'll ask me basic questions just to keep the conversation going.

 

But, you also wrote: Its so weird, Im sure this guy wudnt even ask me what happened if I came in with a fracture(hypothetically). He'd just stare at me, and my fracture for a loong time, and I'd stare back...and then finally he'll say................" hi. "

 

How is that possibly sweet? Sounds like you don't know him very well but since you have a crush you have this "image" of who he is that is not consistent with reality.

[scotty77]

If he is sincerely interested he will ask you out on a date he plans in advance. I have been asked out by extremely shy guys - if they were sincerely interested they got up the courage. Here, it's easy- he already talks to you regularly so it's not such a leap to say "hey want to continue this conversation over lunch?" If you say yes then his risk in asking you out on a proper date is minimal. Or you can suggest the two of you have lunch during the work day.

 

Of course, I am wondering why you are interested given his indifference toward you but maybe that is part of the intrigue.-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------I know lots of shy guys [myself included] who have a hard time asking women out on dates,so I am not sure you can assume he isn't interested just because he doesn't ask you out.Although with me I think it depends on the setting,I generally go to bars to try and meet women and it is a difficult environment. I think it depends on the circumstances.If you have made this guy as comfortable as you can and you give him all the right signs that you are interested ,and since yes he already talks to you often ,then yes he should ask you out.------------------------------------------------------------------------------------How did these shy guys ask you out by the way?,I guess it must have been a scary experience for them.Did you turn most of them down or accept there advances?

[Batya33]

All I can say is it was tough for me, too when I asked out men. My current bf, the first time we dated was when we met at work many years ago. He was very shy back then and hadn't dated a lot. We spoke to each other 3 times over the first 8 months we worked at the same company, in October, January and July. In July I apparently put my hand on his arm for a few seconds to make a point.

 

He interpreted that as interest from me. He called me two days later to ask to take me to lunch and after we had lunch, he called again to ask to take me to drinks after work. We dated for awhile back then, and then broke up. When we reconnected years later he was definitely not as shy - he still has his "shy' moments though.

 

I have declined dates with extremely shy men where I thought that it would be difficult to have a normal conversation with them even for an hour over coffee.

[scotty77]

All I can say is it was tough for me, too when I asked out men. My current bf, the first time we dated was when we met at work many years ago. He was very shy back then and hadn't dated a lot. We spoke to each other 3 times over the first 8 months we worked at the same company, in October, January and July. In July I apparently put my hand on his arm for a few seconds to make a point.

 

He interpreted that as interest from me. He called me two days later to ask to take me to lunch and after we had lunch, he called again to ask to take me to drinks after work. We dated for awhile back then, and then broke up. When we reconnected years later he was definitely not as shy - he still has his "shy' moments though.

 

I have declined dates with extremely shy men where I thought that it would be difficult to have a normal conversation with them even for an hour over coffee.[--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------The touching was a good way to show him you were interested.If a woman touches me I don't immediately think she is interested but I do think she MIGHT be interested.It's too bad you didn't accept some of the offers from the shy men [or maybe it isn't since you seem happy in your current relationship]as I think it is quite possible that they would have conversed fine after getting over the initial anxiety.

[Batya33]

No, it's not too bad that I didn't accept the offers from the other men. If I wasn't attracted and didn't feel we had enough in common/couldn't imagine having enough to say for 45 minutes I did us both a favor by saying no. I have gone out with men who were quiet and reserved but seemed bright and interested in having a conversation -- I needed to see that "spark" though.

 

I have worked and continue to work at having good social skills, developing rapport with all sorts of people, etc and I don't date to help people come out of their shells I date people I am interested in. I wasn't referring to men asking me out while I was in a relationship but before that, when I was not attached.

[scotty77]

No, it's not too bad that I didn't accept the offers from the other men. If I wasn't attracted and didn't feel we had enough in common/couldn't imagine having enough to say for 45 minutes I did us both a favor by saying no. I have gone out with men who were quiet and reserved but seemed bright and interested in having a conversation -- I needed to see that "spark" though.

 

I have worked and continue to work at having good social skills, developing rapport with all sorts of people, etc and I don't date to help people come out of their shells I date people I am interested in. I wasn't referring to men asking me out while I was in a relationship but before that, when I was not attached.----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Geez,all I meant was if you were attracted to them I wouldn't have let the fact that they were shy stop you from pursuing them.I am very shy initially before I get comfortable with someone but I can also be articulate,bright and a very good conversationalist once I feel comfortable.

[Batya33]

To me that's circular. If I speak with someone at a party or on the phone and the conversation is like pulling teeth I am not going to be attracted to that person or interested in pursuing it further. To me attraction is looks plus personality - the whole package. I am very good at getting people out of their "shells" and prefer someone more quiet and reserved to someone who is loud/wants to be center of attention. Having said that, if I make that sincere attempt and I don't sense that the conversation is going anywhere, I don't see where I have to put in more than half the effort to have it go somewhere.

 

The "give people a chance" is all relative. I believe I give people more than sufficient chances and I also believe that shy people, if they are interested in dating, should do the internal work required to be able to reasonably open up/have a conversation with a new person.

[Altruist]

The success of that 'internal work' is a direct function of the positive reinforcement. If there are clear signals of interest, any socially inept man will open up. The example that you gave of you touching your current bf for slightly longer than usual is an excellent way of signalling interest.

 

@ scotty77

pls sort out your quotation issues: either choose QUOTE under the post that you want to refer to or enclose the text that you want to quote with the words quote in square brackets . Thanks.

[scotty77]

The success of that 'internal work' is a direct function of the positive reinforcement. If there are clear signals of interest, any socially inept man will open up. The example that you gave of you touching your current bf for slightly longer than usual is an excellent way of signalling interest.

 

@ scotty77

pls sort out your quotation issues: either choose QUOTE under the post that you want to refer to or enclose the text that you want to quote with the words quote in square brackets . Thanks.

 

How's that?Sorry I'm new to computers!!

[scotty77]

The success of that 'internal work' is a direct function of the positive reinforcement. If there are clear signals of interest, any socially inept man will open up. The example that you gave of you touching your current bf for slightly longer than usual is an excellent way of signalling interest.

 

@ scotty77

pls sort out your quotation issues: either choose QUOTE under the post that you want to refer to or enclose the text that you want to quote with the words quote in square brackets . Thanks.

 

The more socially inept the man is ,it may take Very clear signals or strong signs to get him to open up.

[Altruist]

The more socially inept the man is ,it may take Very clear signals or strong signs to get him to open up.

 

Great! With the painfully shy men, the woman has to come out and say 'I LOVE YOU' before he gets the message.

[Batya33]

Great! With the painfully shy men, the woman has to come out and say 'I LOVE YOU' before he gets the message.

 

I don't think it's fair to expect either a man or a woman to have to put it all out there with someone they barely know just because the person is shy. The shy person if he/she wants a relationship has the obligation to work on those issues. If the shy person doesn't want a relationship then it's not an issue.

[Batya33]

The success of that 'internal work' is a direct function of the positive reinforcement. If there are clear signals of interest, any socially inept man will open up. The example that you gave of you touching your current bf for slightly longer than usual is an excellent way of signalling interest.

 

@ scotty77

pls sort out your quotation issues: either choose QUOTE under the post that you want to refer to or enclose the text that you want to quote with the words quote in square brackets . Thanks.

 

I disagree. The internal work has to come from the person wanting to do the work in general, not because of a specific person.

[scotty77]

I don't think it's fair to expect either a man or a woman to have to put it all out there with someone they barely know just because the person is shy. The shy person if he/she wants a relationship has the obligation to work on those issues. If the shy person doesn't want a relationship then it's not an issue.

 

No,I agree it isn't fair either but if a man/ woman is strongly attracted to a painfully shy individual that may be the reality of the situation.Like just about every human being I certainly have issues I have to work on,whether or not I can overcome my shyness I really don't know.

[Batya33]

No,I agree it isn't fair either but if a man/ woman is strongly attracted to a painfully shy individual that may be the reality of the situation.Like just about every human being I certainly have issues I have to work on,whether or not I can overcome my shyness I really don't know.

 

 

I would say that if a person cannot overcome one's shyness either because he/she chooses not to do the work or because the person has such a serious disorder that it's not possible then I would feel that that person is not emotionally available for a healthy romantic relationship.