Is friendship with the EX ok? when new partner isn't comfortable with it...????

[ashorreal]

Ok, my ex and I dated nearly 2 years and we split amicably with no drama. I have started seeing someone new, for about 4 months now, whom I will call my boyfriend, and I think he is wonderful!

 

Thing is, my ex and I still stay in occasional contact, ok like a phone call a week, maybe 2. Generally about issues like, me picking up mail that has been delivered to his house, or discussing mutual friends etc. He has been helping me get a safety certificate for my new car, and also had a party for his nephew a short while ago which I attended. We were good friends before we started dating, and it has gone back to that now...So I admit, we do keep in contact more then normal ex's would..

 

This upsets my boyfriend, and he is making regular remarks about this issue. I assure him that there is nothing to worry about. Although I understand where he is coming from as I get jealous over things smaller than this (like his first love coming to stay with him for a week while visiting australia - 'friends' only of course, but I still feel weird about it).

 

I need to know, is staying in contact with an ex ok? Are phone calls more then once a week to chat ok? Occasional 'catch up' visits? Where is the line drawn? Should I cease contact with my ex for him (because I would if he asked-he means alot to me and I care about how he feels)...or should he accept it?

[volkim]

I guess the answer all depends on the friendship. I starting seeing a friend about 7 years ago. We split up after 6 months and became best friends. All my relationships since have had to deal with this friendship. Some dealt with it and some didn't. If this guy is a true friend to you then you can't give that up for any new boyfriend. And I think if this new guy is raelly into you he will trust you when you say there is nothing there and he will care about you enough to want you to have good people around you, regardless of gender. Have a chat with the boyfriend and explain how important this friendship is to you. I think phone calls once or twice a week are fine. A get together a few times a month is cool, but sleepovers just the two of you? I can see an issue there.

Hope it works out

[Kalika]

Personally, I don't think you should stop contact with your ex, as long as you truly have no feelings left over (whether they are emotional or physical). But it might help if your current bf met your ex. I know that sounds awkward, but if you and your ex ever meet up, it might help to bring your bf b/c it might help allay some of his concerns. Other than trying to make him comfortable, there isn't much you can do. If your ex is your friend, I don't think you should have to end the friendship.

[karvala]

It's a difficult situation for all concerned. You shouldn't have to lose a valid friendship, but similarly his concerns are perfectly natural, and not without good foundation in many cases.

 

My most recent experience of this sort was with someone who wanted to keep in touch with her ex, because she believed that it was good to be friends. Assured me there was nothing to worry about, and I think she genuinely believed it. Had coffee with him when she visited his city, the odd phonecall, nothing much. Then he sent a single red rose and heart-shaped chocolates on V-day, that she seemed to like. Kept the box, put the rose on her desk in spite of my objections. Then she went for a supposedly innocent dinner with him as friends, and ended up being talked into staying the night. Game over as far as I was concerned.

 

In other words, even if it looks innocent to both parties, and starts out that way, if you have a history of deep connection and intimacy with someone, it's hard to always ignore that, and it only takes one night of reminiscing about the good ol' days, one argument with your current bf, and possibly a little alcohol thrown in for good measure, and before you know it, you've got a real problem on your hands.

 

Be friends if you feel you must and can, but be very careful.

[Batya33]

I keep in regular IM and e-mail contact with my long term ex (broke up over 2 years ago). I have zero interest in dating him again and he is now seeing someone. My bf is slightly bothered by it but is tolerant because it's only IM/email (I think the ex and I have had two phone conversations - brief - since I started dating my bf and I've seen him three times - once, briefly and twice at his place to handle a computer-related issue - my bf wasn't "thrilled" but really wanted me to get the computer issue resolved and understood).

 

I think it's fine as long as the interaction is platonic, it doesn't exclude the significant others, the SO knows about it, etc. It helps that in my case he is in touch with a few women he dated, mostly professionally but also socially. I'm not "thrilled" either but I trust him, and he handles it all appropriately.

[ghost69]

that depends on you. when you broke up with your bf, was it understood that it was over? if so, i would cut all ties. i don't do this to anybody i've dated. would you want him talking to his ex?

[TheMantis]

My gf talks to her ex all the time and I dont like it. She says its just regarding bills and stuff but it seems to be everyday and the emails they send to eachother clearly are not always about bills etc.

 

I work with her as well and the ex got her flowers and a teddy bear delievered to her at work on valentines day. I was told it meant nothing and had to sit there the rest of the day with the office girls coming to admire the flowers and say how sweet this guy must be.

 

Also she once told me the she has to get used to not getting her own way (something along those lines) now that shes with me because her ex bf spoilt her I guess (He is richer, has his own house, more settled in than me)

 

So shes my gf and im in her ex's shadow. it sucks

 

 

Just be careful.

[ashorreal]

Thanks for your advice guys, appriciate it!

 

Mantis,

I totally understand where your coming from, and your feelings of being a shadow. (that's how my bf feels aswell) I have told him he has nothing to worry about, as I love him heaps and he is special to me. The past is the past.

 

I'm sure this girl of yours wouldn't be with you if she didn't really want to be with someone sweet and caring.

[tictactoe2006]

My take on this situation is thus:

 

I have NEVER had a relationshiop where her ex did not come back and ruin it all on me. However, not everyone is that way. I think that, if the two of you are only friends, then it should be ok in the followign circumstances: they both meet each other, and there is no 'exclusion' (ie no breaking plans with you SO to be with your ex, no takign off somewhere with the ex and ignoring your SO, that sort of thing). I am 'semi-friendly' with a couple exes, however if they ever didn't want to meet my gf, or felt like they should be able to exclude my gf from things that we're doing, end of the line. For me, at least.