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To help or not to help....


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Okay, I have a unique situation here....


I have been dating through link removed for the past few months (since Jan.). It appears that I finally met someone with whom I made a great connection; we communicated online for a week and got together last Thursday. We both pretty much admitted that we were interested in getting to know each other further and shared a fantastic good night kiss. I saw her again briefly on Friday - we introduced our lab retrievers and made plans the following Sunday to get together, go for a hike and have a BBQ. She also loaned me her comb specifically designed for labs. At the end of the meeting, she asked me for a goodbye kiss before I could even get around to doing so...


On Sat. we chatted on the phone about our Sun. plans; she asked if I could record a TV show for her...


Sunday comes around and she calls me; her voice sounds terrible. It turns out that she has come down with the flu. She asks me if it is flu season and I confirm that the state is right now a hot zone in the country with wide-spread outbreaks. She says she is terrible when she is sick... I end the call so she can get rest but tell her that if she needs anything she can call me and also that I will call to check up on her Monday...


I call Monday and there is no response; that is understandable especially given how lousy one feels when stricken with the flu. I leave a message telling her to feel free to call me once she feels up to it.


As a side note, I also noticed Sunday, that she took her profile off line from link removed....


I haven't heard back from her (now Wed. night) - still understandable. The symptoms can last up to a week. But I was wondering if I should offer to take her dogs out or bring her anything (chicken broth, soda, etc.)... It sounds like she may be self-conscious and none of us are really that attractive when we are really sick. But I am kind of worried for her.


I know she is 38 and somehow has found a way to survive without my help all those years (sarcasm) but still am wondering if I should offer help in some way or form. On the one hand, if I were "officially" dating her, it would be a no-brainer, I'd be there. But because of the newness, I want to respect her privacy and possibly her self-consciousness.



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i just wanna tell U that it's very sweet of U to be concerned about her...U seem like a good man. Ya do ahead & mail her by fri or a get well soon card. Nothing better than being remembered by someone who cares...Don't worry she will definitely get back to you. just that she might not be doing too well. I am happy to just see ppl care even in today's day & age....

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Thanks all for the helpful and kind advice. I would email her but we never exchanged proper addresses, just used link removed's message center. And as she has removed her profile, that is no longer available as a medium.


I'll give her a call tomorrow to see how she is feeling and perhaps if she needs for me to help her with her dogs.

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So I will call her a little later today just to see how she is feeling.


I know when I get sick with a bad cold or the flu, my spirits are atypically down in the dump and I don't want people of interest to see me in that light. So I tend to lay low and out of the public eye. On the other hand, I also can feel abandoned; like people have forgotten about me.


Must be something to do with a lack of seretonin or something....

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Could you leave something for her so that she doesn't have to see you if she feels self conscious? I disagree with the generalized advice that you going to see her will make her happy - you two barely know each other and everyone responds differently to illness and people seeing them.

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Thanks Poochie and Batya....


I just called and left her a message letting her know that I am thinking about her and wanted to know how she is feeling, if she needed anything. I concluded by asking her to call soon.


I agree Batya re. the self-consciousness. I am trying to walk that tightrope of not being neglectful and not asserting myself too much.


This current flu is known to stick around a while so I may have to be patient. I like Batya's idea of leaving something; maybe some chicken soup, dog treats and some dvds.

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I would DEFINITELY not want you to show up. No question about it. She's fine. It's sweet you care, and if you were her BF of like a year, sure, show up... But not in this case. I'd actually stop calling her to be honest. You've called her a couple times, right? So let her get back to you. Maybe call her LATE next week if you haven't heard from her but that's it. JMO.


Good luck!

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Jayar wrote:

I would DEFINITELY not want you to show up. No question about it.

I agree completely. I just left the message a few moments ago. I think its good that I called to show I care but I also understand that she probably will not feel 100% for awhile and probably is not up to talking with anyone right now. I have to admit to the irrational worry that she is able to take care of her basic needs as well as those of her dogs.... but somehow she has lasted 38 years without my direct intervention so I will have faith that she is okay!

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I was just curious if you heard from her. U did a good thing of leaving the message...i hope she called back. Keep us updated...I hate ppl who just disappear & don't bother to return calls or e mails. You are a good man & anybody will be lucky to have You...

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Mmm,the fact she hasn't given you a quick call isn't a good sign in my opinion,even if she isn't feeling well she would likely be eager to touch base with you even if only for a brief moment,if she is interested.I would definitely let her contact you but her actions tell me she might not be interested anymore.I hope I am wrong.Good luck!

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scotty - you may be correct. I have done the math, and it seems to add up in my favor (apart from the lack of response) but math doesn't really always apply in human relations.


If she is no longer interested, it won't be a big deal; we had a great time and there would be others. Otherwise, I just hope she is okay. We have all had the flu and lived through it, but it can be a pretty serious illness....


Frankly, I am more worried for her well-being than for my potential relationship status with her.

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Rnorth U r my man....U restore my faith in GOOD ppl out there....exactly same thing happened with me 4 weeks back. I met this guy who swept me off my feet...disappeared after third meeting. i sent him a mail 10 days later no reply. I was disappointed also at the fact that the guy had no courtesy to reply. But I lov what U wrote....life goes on & hey your family here at e alone is always here...

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Updated status -


She called! One week later.... Monday with the flu she had didn't feel like talking to ANYONE. Says she is really "obnoxious" when she is sick and didn't want me to see her like that so soon.... She then fell really behind on work; starting feeling better Thursday but was slammed with work.


We are scheduled to get together next Friday for a date (we are both busy this week). We will catch up later this week to discuss Fri.

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ha. I had a guy say something similar to me recently (also with the flu.... hmmmmm......) and then getting "slammed" with work (catching up). Things didn't turn out so well. Well, I hope it goes better for you! Be on guard against excuses vs. explanations......

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Good things happen to good ppl. I'm REALLY happy for you rnorth...Enjoy the moment but don't build too much expectation & you'll be good. I have to agree with Annie "slammed" with work is a fav excuse. Don't let her play too much games with you. Women do start taking things for granted once they know they have U. But give her the benefit of doubt. I don't care if you are the President of US you can always make time for a 2 min call. So Congrats once again but just be careful....

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