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Want to know what a REAL crazy person is like???

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Enotalone has always failed to help me (with the exception of one person in particular) with my concerns with my exboyfriend. Don’t get me wrong, enotalone is a wonderful community, with a lot of opinions, but I believe my ex’s problems are a little too complex and many members here probably have little personal experience to go off of to even attempt to help me. And really, I’m not looking for help myself, it’s no longer about my relationship, it’s about this man that is struggling with something that I just can’t figure out.


I would really just like any advice on where to get reliable information and advice on mental illnesses such as depression and personality disorders.



If you want to know more about what I’m dealing with read below:


My ex and I were on speaking terms until last night** and then I spoke to him today and don't know if we're on speaking terms or not anymore – I think that the best way I can help him is by not being a part of his life until he makes some positive changes, at the very least, with his attitude. But this man and his illnesses, whatever they are, have taken a toll on me for the past year since he started going downhill – and now he seems to almost be at the bottom. And I want to figure him out. Maybe it’s a waste of time, maybe it’s none of my business – but I had feelings for this man in ways that I have never had for any other human being.


I’m dying to know WHY he is the way he is. WHY his behavior is familiar to OCPD (which he was diagnosed by a doctor), but his mood swings are similar in ways to being bipolar…and yet he’s taking anti-depressants because he’s had severe depression since childhood (he is now 26). He also suffers from anxiety and has a lot of fears which cause him to fail to reach ANY goals. I know I can’t help him if he doesn’t want help – but he DOES want help, he is scared of seeking help though and he doesn’t have anyone to trust to help him…I just want to see if I can make any sense out of his behavior and enlighten him on the situation at hand. He recently told me that he was sorry and now realizes that it was his OCPD that caused so many hardships on me when we were a couple.


He has become an alcoholic over the past year and is in denial. The worst thing is, he used to act out in weird ways when he was drunk, now he acts that way when he’s sober too, he’s now more immature than he was a year ago! He hides that he smokes and is in denial about that too – and he’s addicted to nicorette gum…He takes sleeping pills every night just to be able to sleep and caffeine pills everyday to stay awake. He barely eats and when he does it’s all junk food then complains that he’s overweight…he only works 20 hours a week, at a job that he hates. He has no insurance (health, dental, etc.) and can’t afford to pay his bills. He lives with his parents that fight constantly about money. It’s just him, his brother and parents (that are divorced but lived together and sleep in separate rooms) they are immigrants from Europe that have lived in the US for about 14 years – the move for my ex when he was a teenager was VERY hard and contributed a lot to his depression and anxiety. He has no friends and no other family here. He also has problems because he is not a US citizen. He often doesn’t do things, like pay his bills, just because he “doesn’t feel like it”.


I've tried everything to try to motivate him and help him, even when I wasn't a part of his life for two months, he still made no changes, the one time he did something different he went to a party with this young kid he works with and it was all 19 and 20 year olds and said he got drunk and tried to make out with a 17 year old girl who had a boyfriend - and he acted proud in a way. The guy is going to be 27 years old in October, i understand that he never did that kind of stuff when he was younger, but it's still not normal, is it? For him to be becoming more immature instead of maturing? I will be 21 years old in July and I find it offensive - knowing that this man who LOOKS like he's nearly 30 years old is hanging around with high school/college kids and he talks seriously about messing around with 16, 17, 18 year old girls...and then claims he was just joking, but I'm just not sure with they way he talks, you know? I have nothing against age gap relationships, i just think that a 16-18 year old girl can be easily influenced by an older man and i feel like even if he is JUST JOKING - he is still capable of seizing an opportunity to fulfill what i believe is him trying to get back his younger years that he kind of threw away - he's still trying to go to college and get a degree, he's dropped out of school like 5 or 6 times since he was 20. He complains all the time about being OLD. He worries that he's going bald!!! He's 26!!!!!!!! I think he has serious self-esteem issues and perhaps thinks wooing a young girl will prove to himself that he is indeed still young??? I just don't know.


There are plenty more stories and scenarios, but if you look up OCPD that's all pretty much him, although he's not too much of a pack-rat, maybe a little, but i wouldn't call it extreme. I'm still not sure because his intense mood swings are what has been driving me crazy. But he doesn't have highs like bipolar says, his highs are like normal, happy, but his lows are miserable! Maybe he has a little bit of all the diseases!!!!!!


Any insight is helpful, and I can give more advice, or correct anything that I may not have explained properly!!





**I was supposed to sleep at his house last night and it was late and he was drunk and I was tipsy and his parents had a big fight and he was ignoring me when I asked him if we could go to bed because it was late, so I went up to his bedroom by myself to lay down (forgetting that I’m not allowed to be in his room by myself just because he’s weird and is paranoid) and he freaked out and told me he hates me and never wants to see me again and that he can’t stand me and I annoy him like crazy (this was just minutes after he was hugging and kissing me – and he’s like this all the time since we broke up – one minute he’ll be all lovey-dovey like we’re a couple, the next minute he’ll be telling me that he hates me and I’m stupid and he never wants to speak to me again – and as soon as he gets out of his bad mood he apologizes and calls himself an *sshole. This doesn’t happen all the time, but more lately then it used to, and we’ve only been on speaking terms for about 3 weeks when we did 2 months NC before that. Anyway, so I called him today even though I shouldn’t ever want to speak to him again after the way he treated me last night, because I want him to realize that I see through his attempts to push me away on purpose, because of something like last night, where he was embarrassed because of his parents fighting in front of me. He was a jerk, but it was pretty forced, it was such an act, and I just told him I was sorry for going in his room last night by myself and that was all I wanted to say (really I just wanted to make sure he was okay, and out of bed for work, because his job is all he has) But now I don’t plan on contacting him at all anytime soon.

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It sounds like he has multiple problems, including being addicted to a variety of drugs, which in themselves can cause mood swings and all kinds of problems.


but instead of trying to figure him out, i think you should do some research on what it means to be an enabler, and enabling behavior, since you seem to be engaged in a lot of that behavior, and focusing all your thoughts on him and his behavior, when that will not do him or you any good.


for your own sake, do some research on co-dependency and enabling, and stop trying to 'fix' him. he can only fix himself, and only if HE wants to.

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I am sorry you feel you are not getting help; but I agree with BeStrong in the post above...instead of focusing your energy on him at this point, it is REALLY time to look at yourself. And I am SO proud of you for deciding to not contact him for a while; this is a GREAT opportunity to look at yourself!


Undoubtedly he has a LOT of issues. Alchoholism, verbally and emotionally abusive, and whom knows what else. But until HE decides to do something about it, it does not matter how much you tell him he needs to do something; and in the process you are going to destroy yourself.


Looking at yourself can be the HARDEST thing to do. None of us likes to admit our vulnerabilities and mistakes....but I think that there is only person we can control in relationships - and that is ourselves. There are some great books on codependency, and women whom are attached to unhealthy relationships you can start with - just start looking at link removed for example or browse the Relationships section at the bookstore for some ideas on working on the most important relationship in your life - the one with yourself.

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Maybe that's what this is really all about, trying to help myself...


I'm just having a lot of emotions right now and I don't know what i want. I've been trying to figure out what i want for about the past 9 months now. I just don't know. I feel silly now for posting, asking for help for a man that i'm not even in a relationship with - that i don't even know if i'll talk to him again. ...it's so sad though, to me, to know what he is going through and having no idea what it feels like - i watched him battle for so long that I feel like i'm abandoning him when i know that's probably the best thing that I can do. I would still like to try to better understand what happened and differentiate what was HIM and what was his ILLNESS - because he was the longest most serious relationship I have ever had, and i find myself in the past few months with dating, having certain expectations and finding the company of other men to be quite dull. My ex and I could have something wonderful if he was healthy - and maybe that's why I want to "figure him out" because i know what we had and what we could have...but i'm not even really sure what i DO truly feel and what i'm just saying at this moment because i'm worked up over the recent events.


I'm sorry for rambling! Maybe i should just let things calm down for at least a few days before I think about researching anything...give myself a break...

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co-dependency is all about blurring of boundaries... after a while, you lose your own sense of self when you become so focused on the other person and their problems.


you also start to assume mentally far more responsibility for the other person because you become enmeshed with them and their lives to the point that you become obsessed with worrying about them and trying to 'fix' them, when really they are a separate person from you, and you can't control their behavior. so the more out of control you feel, the more you try to 'figure out' what is going on, in an attempt to regain control, as if understanding it will mean you will be able to find an answer to 'fix' him.


so everything you are describing sounds like you have become too enmeshed with him, and it is great that you recognize that you need to step back from this. frequently people with big problems will look for someone who is willing to become co-dependent and shoulder their responsbilities for them, focus on them, shield them, and make it easier for them to continue being 'sick' or involved in their addiction, because the partner is always trying to 'rescue' and taking responsbility for them.


so yes, you will be quite confused at first, because the boundaries between where you leave off and he begins have become totally confused, and you now feel the responsibility that one feels towards an infant, but really he is an adult, and mothering him in an unhealthy way will only allow him to continue as an infant.


so give yourself a breather and relax and recharge your batteries a bit, but i think doing research about co-dependency will really help you understand exactly the dynamic that is going on between you, and how to learn to re-establish your own healthy boundaries and sense of self again.

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I am not a doctor...but I have a degree in this field. I just have a few questions..and can elaborate later.


When was he diagnosed...how and by whom? Ie Psychiatrist, Psychologist etc


What medications is he on?


I'm not positive about what he is now on. He has been back and forth with his family physician the past several months on and off stuff, different dosages. He has no health insurance and has to pay full price for prescriptions. I know he is on something for depression and anxiety. For his OCPD he was recommended a self-help workbook that i know he started, but i'm not sure of his progress. He used to be on zoloft and then i believe lexapro, but he doesn't take either of those anymore.


I know he went to different psychiatrists and psychologists when he was a teenager, but beyond that i'm not sure.

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I am sorry you aren't getting enough help here. Still, I wanted to ask you if you feel that there is any need for YOU to seek counselling to discuss what you are going through. We cannot control others behaviors, but we can learn ways to cope with them internally. I think it could help you, and it could also provide the education you are looking for in understanding his mental illness.

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My ex and I could have something wonderful if he was healthy - and maybe that's why I want to "figure him out" because i know what we had and what we could have


Wishing he is what YOU want him to be won't change him. He is who he is. And within those confines, you need to figure out if HE IS what you want, and if he's the kind of person you can have a real future with(as he is right now). It doesn't sound like that's the case, but for whatever reason, you're having trouble coming to terms with the fact that he can't just change. You need to evaluate your options at this point, and look seriously at why you're trying to fix something that's quite broken.

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