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I'm always attracted to the wrong type of guys! I'm going for nice guys now

Lily04

By Lily04
in Dating Advice

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Lily04 Veteran

Lily04

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I realized that the type of guys I date or are attracted to, are typically the type who I view as a challenge, the type my friend calls the "trophy male date", but who I now no longer want to date. I didn't even realize this until he said I date "trophy guys" and then realized that was likely why the relationship didn't last -- these type of guys usually aren't the type looking for long-term relationships, but turn out to be a word that rhymes with 'class' but which i can't quite type on here...

 

They are typically attractive, smart, witty, and successful. And perhaps somewhat rare in my circle of friends/age group which is why I find it hard to find guys "I like" and why I typically go for older guys (I'm 22, I typically date guys 5-10 years older than me.) Part of it was the confidence & maturity factor, which I was attracted to, but I think I need guys more down-to-earth and nice, in the end. I will sacrifice the physical attractive factor and wit/funny part if need be, because I'd rather have a guy who is nice and who doesn't play games.

 

I realized that yesterday and saw that some of the guys I was dismissing as 'just friends' could actually be compatible with me, but I wasn't giving them a fair shot. So in the future I will keep this in mind and be more open-minded... just wanted to share my experience, potentially life-altering or something.

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Dubb Contributor

Dubb

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It's awesome you figured that out now. Most girls need to get beat down a few times before they realize it. Attraction is a big thing when you first meet someone. Be careful not to place all good looking guys in one basket tho. This might sound liek I am full of myself but I just want to give you an example. I am a good looking guy. With a lot of other quailtys girls love. I have always gotten any girl I wanted. I know a lot of girls have pegged me as a typical guy in the past. Most later say how great of a catch I am. Maybe just take your time really getting to know someone. I always try to treat the girl I care about like I would want my mom, daughter or sister to be treated. I say this a lot to people but it really is true. Everyone gets ugly on the outside eventually. That is why it is so important for them to be beauitful on the inside.

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AwdreeHpburn Grand Master

AwdreeHpburn

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well - I'm pretty sure there are nice, normal guys who are also very good looking.

 

Dating is hard. Finding the "right" guy is difficult. Don't be so hard on yourself. You said yourself, you're only 22. Shoooot. You've got a lot of time to make mistakes until you find your Mr. Right or two.

 

Don't worry - you'll be alright.

 

But always, of course, always date guys who are NICE to you.....

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Lily04 Veteran

Lily04

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Yeah... well there's nothing wrong about physically attractive guys per se, but it's the combination of wit, attractiveness and success, that tends to breed egotistical guys or those who aren't really down-to-earth and looking for commitment (which I am looking for.) In some ways, people would consider me the type of girl who would be a 'trophy gf' as well. But I wouldn't really say I'm successful.. yet (I'm still a student). I suppose I have some qualities of successful people as I'd say I'm smart and ambitious, but I'm not sure I'll go onto graduate school or what type exactly, so I would definitely characterize that as a deficit. Anyway.....just saying maybe I shouldn't look for those type of guys... also because until I am successful I always feel a bit insecure (I suppose because I am also very competitive, and so relationships become like that at first), and so dating a successful 'trophy' type of guy.....sometimes puts pressure on myself...hmm.

 

Anyway, I shall check this thread back later, but thx for your thoughts!

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Lily04 Veteran

Lily04

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but the attraction must be there before you find out if the personality is right, right? you don't walk up to some unnattractive guy thinking he is witty and nice do ya?

 

Well the point is that I'm going to be attracted to a guy's personality more than looks from now on (what I usually tried, but I think the personality may not have been the best combo. either...) I'm going to try to get to know guys I don't necessarily find that physically attractive, but still somewhat attractive perhaps...I mean there was one guy in the past whose personality I really liked but I wasn't physically attracted to him at all. I couldn't imagine kissing him, cuddling, etc. it just wouldn't have worked.. there was hardly any, if any physical attraction. As much as I wanted to date him because I liked his wit and intelligence, I just knew it wouldn't work. As I didn't want to lead him on, I didn't go out with him when he asked... however, there was one guy who was quite nice to me recently, said he hopes to see me around, will lend me LSAT books, help me study, etc... he is a reallly sweet guy, and intelligent as well. I don't know much of his personality, but he seems nice and hard-working. He is also asian, however, and I'm typically not attracted to Asian guys. He is a relatively good-looking Asian guy though -- very fit, tall, not bad looking... we may be compatible. At first I didn't think so, and just saw him as a friend, but when he messaged me a few days ago, I replied to his msg. today and said if he wants to go out for coffee it would be great to get to know him better.

 

I don't know... I don't think instant physical attraction is necessarily everything, and in some cases can be deceiving...

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Lily04 Veteran

Lily04

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oh, and then I will just go out with guys to get to know their personality better as well....even if I don't necessarily feel any physical attraction at first... I don't see harm in it. One guy (sorta?) asked me out yesterday, i'm not really sure lol... just because I was complaining about exam studying and he said that after things are cooled off, we should meet for a few drinks/beers on the patio... (not sure exactly what patio he's referring to, but whatever.) I think he's a reallllllly sweet, cool, guy but not really physically attractive. But I wouldn't mind getting to know him better as a friend so I said sure.. if something else may develop that's great, but I sorta doubt it. I think he's attracted to me though, slightly, so that's why I mentioned he might have been trying to ask me out... actually he also volunteered helping me with the LSAT as well! hahaha. but he (and the other guy) are NOT 'trophy' guys -- they are not really ambitious, intelligent, witty and attractive. They are down-to-earth, of avg. physical attraction (although the Asian guy is above avg. for an Asian), and really nice. And smart. And that's what I'm looking for now... although I would still like a guy above avg. in looks, ideally... hard to find a guy who is ambitious, smart, nice, above avg. in looks and ALSO down-to-earth and really kind though.....so I have to compromise somewhere.

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Batya33 Grand Master

Batya33

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It sounds to me like a bit of "settling" is going on here. Of course it's a positive step not to want the "thrill of the chase" with a "bad boy" and instead to want a relationship of substance but I would also say, if by the fourth date you don't want to kiss him there's little point in going forward.

 

And, your negative attitude that men who are smart, successful, witty and attractive are also egotistical works for the short term but imagine that you start dating a man who you don't find particularly attractive, he is into you, you date for a few months and then lo and behold, one of those men you pegged as egotistical comes along and is not egotistical - he's a good guy plus has what your bf is missing. What then? Do you dump mr. not so good looking mr. nice guy for Mr. Package Deal? I have found that making choices based on generalized negative perceptions fall apart once you meet the "exception" and if at that time you are involved with someone else, that could be a problem.

 

For the record, my bf is handsome, intelligent, wicked sense of humor and very successful. You might consider him as not "conventionally" attractive because he is 5"5 (I happen to prefer shorter men) but he is not egotistical, not a player and has always wanted a long term relationship, etc.

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