sk11 Posted March 28, 2007 Share Posted March 28, 2007 I have been dating the guy for more than twenty dates in about four months’ time. He is 32, handsome, very experienced, and successful and has a son. I am 28. We have never had sex, although we went to bed together just for cuddling, kissing and waking up with each other. I never need to initiate any contact or ask him out cause he has done all the chasing. We were doing a very traditional dating style and all have been perfect and sweet. But last night in his house when I talked to him that I did not feel close enough to him. He broke up with me and told me that if I still could not feel the chemistry after four months’ efforts. He would give up and he believed that he can not force me to feel for him. Besides, he showed me one text from a strange girl who sent during the conversation and told me he does not even remember her. And I explained to him that he misunderstood me and I did not mean to break up but to find a way to get closer. I like him 10 out of 10 and he is the first person I met who I thought about family and children. He told me that was not enough as he never had a doubt to be with me and he was waiting for me to be the same - have no doubt to be with him He said he had his pride and asked me to leave his house, and he would walk me to the tube station but I insisted to stay for a last night together. I wanted to have one night stand for the last night since we would not see each other ever again and told him that I always wanted him physically and emotionally. I wanted to know what it is like as I have been curious for the last four months and I wanted to have a one night stand in my life. But he refused to have sex and only cuddled me and told me this was not the last night and I would understand a few days later. He told me all I could get from him that day is cuddling and a cup of tea in the morning. I asked him if he thinks I am not good enough or that he thought he can never get me completely so he gave up finally. But he said neither was true but something more complicated and he could get anyone he wants. I asked him if it was true that how cold he acted to me means how much he was hurt by me and thereforeeee how much he liked me. He answered yes, something like that. When I told him that I want him to be in love with me, he replied that he wanted me to be in love with him... He said he had started to fall for me and the love was growing. He also said we could have ended up together and he had not felt for anyone like that for a long time. But now he wants to have a little while to for both of us to think where we stand and he will call me after the weekend. He asked me if I understand why he is doing this and said he would call me tonight to explain because I said to him I was not sure about where he was coming from and I did not want any misunderstanding. I am really confused why he does this and where he is coming from… does it mean he really gives up or just wants to push me in order to pull me in even closer? Otherwise why does he bother to call me tonight to explain and also call me after the weekend? Link to comment
sk11 Posted March 28, 2007 Author Share Posted March 28, 2007 It will be really appreciated if anyone has any ideas.... Link to comment
ghost69 Posted March 28, 2007 Share Posted March 28, 2007 this guy has some underlying issues. he denied sex without the attachment just because you wanted to see. weird to me. sure he isn't gay? i'd date you for 2-3 dates, if i don't get anywhere by then, probably won't continue. lol Link to comment
lunatic Posted March 28, 2007 Share Posted March 28, 2007 this guy has some underlying issues. he denied sex without the attachment just because you wanted to see. weird to me. sure he isn't gay? i'd date you for 2-3 dates, if i don't get anywhere by then, probably won't continue. lol As cold as Ghosts reply sounds I do have to agree with him. I would get frustrated and leave after a few weeks without sex. WOW I am shallow! lol Link to comment
greenmonster Posted March 28, 2007 Share Posted March 28, 2007 weird...couple things I can think of... 1) he is insecure about himself and/or your relationship 2) he invented a time machine and came from a time where guys are still virgins at 32 and are "saving it" for when he is married....or perhaps an alternate deminsion where gender roles are reversed 3) after a couple months of taking you out he realizes that maybe he doesn't like you as much as he origianally thought and is taking anyway possible to end it. 4) he is just weird .....any of the above would make perfect sense to me. Link to comment
arwen Posted March 28, 2007 Share Posted March 28, 2007 Hm, I am no male but I have my share of experiences with the kind! Just kidding. I personally don't think that there is something as severe going on. Not anything more than a miscommunication. I think that his pride or ego was hurt, he obviously has some traditional views. Views and behaviour that keeps you from getting closer to you (that is not what he was aiming at of course!). I waited with sex for a year with my first bf (but we were virgins so the waiting is 'easier' if you don't know what you're missing). Still after a month or four, I don't think it's necessarily the 'frustration' that would lead to intimacy, right? Intimacy comes when it comes, and you made an effort to create a setting that would make you feel more close to him. That led to him being hurt (which was not your intent!), and that is what brought you here. I think that giving him some time now (like a week or so to cool down and get a different perspective) would help and then ask him over for dinner. See where it goes from there. Arwen Link to comment
Daddy Bear Posted March 28, 2007 Share Posted March 28, 2007 This is so simple. The guy is not gay. He had feelings of love for her and found out that hers were nowhere near as deep for him, which wounded his pride. The offer of sex only exacerbated his hurt, as it pointed up her lack of comprehension about his feelings. Now he doesn't know what to do. The End. Why was this stickied? Link to comment
chai714 Posted March 28, 2007 Share Posted March 28, 2007 You never mentioned withholding sex from him but I'm assuming you were. With that assumption, I think that he figured that you didn't feel comfortable enough with him, which is why you didn't want to have sex. In the end, he broke up and you immediately went into "bargaining" mode, where you wanted to give him sex, even if it was just a "one night stand." Link to comment
sk11 Posted March 28, 2007 Author Share Posted March 28, 2007 Thank you so much! all the advice is very appreciated! Just a couple of points, purely for a the sake of a full picture! I am not being shallow but the reasons I can possibly see that he does not give up are 1) I am easygoing, warm, independent, fearless, fun to be with and have a model figure, beautiful face and a phd in mathematics and a respectable job. Everyone tells me that I can get anyone I want... 2) He is looking for a wife 3) I want to build something strong before sex Link to comment
arwen Posted March 28, 2007 Share Posted March 28, 2007 But SK, in the end intimacy is NOT defined by how or what you are. It's how you make the other person feel about him/herself when you are with him/her. Arwen Link to comment
sk11 Posted March 28, 2007 Author Share Posted March 28, 2007 arwen - I agree you are right. I just wonder what made him doing all this... Link to comment
sk11 Posted March 28, 2007 Author Share Posted March 28, 2007 Chai714 - I didnot expect to see him ever again... I offered is only because I want it.... Link to comment
sk11 Posted March 28, 2007 Author Share Posted March 28, 2007 somebloke - that is soooo true!!!!! Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 28, 2007 Share Posted March 28, 2007 Thank you so much! all the advice is very appreciated! Just a couple of points to be added. I am not being shallow but the reasons I can possibly see that he does not give up are 1) It will be difficult to find anyone more perfect than me - I am easygoing, warm, independent, fearless, fun to be with and have a model figure, beautiful face and a phd in mathematics and a respectable job. Everyone tells me that I can get anyone I want... 2) He is looking for a wife 3) I want to build something strong before sex I think this answers your question - you view this from the perspective of believing you are perfect on paper - but yet by your own admission you weren't feeling close enough to him so thereforeeee it has nothing to do with how perfect you are but more to do with the dynamic between you. Most people when it comes to intimacy are looking for someone "perfect for them" not "perfect." As far as waiting, I certainly have waited that long because I am not interested in casual s_x or s_x prior to dating long enough that there is a strong commitment and potential for marriage. I think he jumped to conclusions but I also think he was confused by you wanting a "one night stand" at that point. Link to comment
sk11 Posted March 28, 2007 Author Share Posted March 28, 2007 Batya33 - I agree with you. But I am not sure what made me feel distant from him.... He was hurt by the one night stand thing... And the added points are only to answer why he does not give up for more than twenty dates with no sex at all, from his point of view... the added points are all what he told me and people told me... Link to comment
sk11 Posted March 28, 2007 Author Share Posted March 28, 2007 greenmonster - the first point is quite likely as he said it once that you must have something wrong, otherwise why you are with me... Link to comment
StillClimbing Posted March 28, 2007 Share Posted March 28, 2007 sk11- we only know what is going on based on what you've said from your perspective.I feel like some info is missing. The whole thing sounds weird. I dont know a single guy that would react that strongly and then refuse sex completely. Maybe it was how you said it? Maybe he has other people he is dating? Maybe he's not into you and wants it to be your fault. I would let him contact you and tell you what he's thinking. He sounds really manipulative and controlling. Link to comment
jimthzz Posted March 28, 2007 Share Posted March 28, 2007 Does it bother you that he has a "my way or the highway" attitude about settling miscommunication? It is clear from your posting if he has some kind of religious reason to avoid sex. IS there one? At age 32 most men are not virginal. Is he one? Having sex with someone may bring you closer, but that is not always so. If a guy suggested break up sex a lot of women would get angry and insulted. And in reverse, some guys would be offended, especially if they never had sex earlier. Seems to me that you ought to move on and find someone less complicated. Link to comment
ghost69 Posted March 28, 2007 Share Posted March 28, 2007 i'd do it. but that's me. 4 months no sex. i'd be ready for sure. Link to comment
Daddy Bear Posted March 28, 2007 Share Posted March 28, 2007 Methinks the newbie veteran started early today. There are guys who are content to wait for sex until the girl indicates she's ready, you know. I don't think anything negative should be inferred from that. Link to comment
ghost69 Posted March 28, 2007 Share Posted March 28, 2007 over 4 months though? that seems extreme. Link to comment
Maverick32x Posted March 28, 2007 Share Posted March 28, 2007 This is so simple. The guy is not gay. He had feelings of love for her and found out that hers were nowhere near as deep for him, which wounded his pride. The offer of sex only exacerbated his hurt, as it pointed up her lack of comprehension about his feelings. Now he doesn't know what to do. The End. Why was this stickied? Couldn't of said it better myself..... .This is the solution to your problem... He was probably making all the moves in the relationships and was feeling unappreciated..... Since when was "not sleeping around" a sign of being gay? Link to comment
Daddy Bear Posted March 28, 2007 Share Posted March 28, 2007 over 4 months though? that seems extreme.That is rare, but so is a fun and easygoing smoking hot Ph.D. He probably figured she was worth the wait. Link to comment
scotty77 Posted March 28, 2007 Share Posted March 28, 2007 1) It will be difficult to find anyone more perfect than me - I am easygoing, warm, independent, fearless, fun to be with and have a model figure, beautiful face and a phd in mathematics and a respectable job. Everyone tells me that I can get anyone I want...-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------I liked you a lot better before I read this!! Link to comment
Batya33 Posted March 28, 2007 Share Posted March 28, 2007 Batya33 - I agree with you. But I am not sure what made me feel distant from him.... He was hurt by the one night stand thing... And the added points are only to answer why he does not give up for more than twenty dates with no sex at all, from his point of view... the added points are all what he told me and people told me... I am not sure I understand from the way you wrote that. I have had boyfriends where we waited more than 4 months and it was not because I was a "catch" - it was because I wasn't ready, and we both wanted to make sure we were comfortable with taking that step. Both of those men wanted to marry me, and neither of them had any complaints about waiting because they shared the same values I did (I think either of them would have done "it" earlier but it was really not a big deal at all). I have dated several guys who were nice, kind, great on paper and I did not feel close to them or an emotional connection. It happens and, unlike math, there is often no formula or concrete resolution as to "why." Link to comment
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