shep88ner Posted March 28, 2007 Share Posted March 28, 2007 this is my first year in college and this really hasn't been a problem up until a couple of months ago. we've been together for a little over a year now. since i've been here i have accomplished a few things. first off, i joined a fraternity (delta chi for anyone who's familiar) and i was also named to the deans list the first quarter...i missed it last quarter by .07 of a percentage point . Because of my grades i was invited to join the national honors fraternity as well at my school, as well as an honors society. my girlfriend goes to church reguraly and talks to all the pastors and all the "churchy" people all about me and our relationship. her and her mom are both well liked and respected in their church. before i tell you what she says, i'll tell you how i really am. I drink sometimes, i go to parties where there's kegs and beer and drunk people everywhere, i procrastinate and study hardly enough, i hang out with my fraternity brothers a lot, we have gone to parties and sat around and talked and all that good stuff, as well as go out and play sports like frisbee or football or something. I also swear a whole lot, i'm lazy, and really...i'm your typical college kid. here's my problem with my girlfriend... she tells all these people different stories about me. she told one guy that i was only in an honors fraternity and that i stayed in my room a lot and studied during most of my free time. she told another guy that i dont go out to parties and i stay around campus and stuff like that. then today, she told this guy that all of the guys that are in my fraternity are a bunch of nerds and we dont do anything fun together besides hang out and play video games. it really pissed me off to hear her say that about my buddies. we're not really close friends or anything yet but they're my fraternity brothers and with time they'll be my best friends i have at this college. we dont have any "nerds" or anything, we're all typical party-goers and everyone i know is highly respected and liked by everyone. she got upset with me because i wore my greek letters to a church function with her and the youth pastor saw it and asked me about it. so when i told him i was in a social fraternity he was all like, "ah wow..cool, i thought you was in an honors fraternity?" so i had to explain im in both. she said she only does it because "when people here the word frat or fraternity, they think people who go out and drink every night and are always drunk. they're also the ones that are causing problems and are thought to be deviant groups of people." - my take on this is that, if they're that ignorant about fraternities, it's their own fault for having such a stereotype about us. i guess she doesnt want my real lifestyle to make her look bad to all the church folk, but i dont like this false image she's portraying. and above all, i dont like how she never mentions my social fraternity...my real one that im always with. it's like she's scared to tell people im associated with a fraternity at a D1 college. do you think i should be upset as i am about it or is this one of those things that you think is understandable given the image she has at church? also note that i do not belong to her church...i only go there with her because she asks me to when im home for weekends...so i do sort of know some of these people. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarnelianButterfly Posted March 28, 2007 Share Posted March 28, 2007 I think it shows what your girlfriend values. She obviously sees the Honors frat as being a more prestigious organization and wants her church group to think she is with an intelligent and up standing guy. Do you want her to change her values for you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shep88ner Posted March 28, 2007 Author Share Posted March 28, 2007 I think it shows what your girlfriend values. She obviously sees the Honors frat as being a more prestigious organization and wants her church group to think she is with an intelligent and up standing guy. Do you want her to change her values for you? no but i want her to give the full story. im just as proud of the honors fraternity as i am my social fraternity. i just dont like being portrayed as a innocent churchboy becuase i am so opposite of that. if they're going to know me i want them to know the real me you know? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sweetharmony Posted March 28, 2007 Share Posted March 28, 2007 I tend to agree with the first poster. Ok, so she shouldn't lie about you. But seriously, why would you want all the church folks to know your business about partying and drinking. you should be proud that you are in an honors fraternity and made good grades. do you like being defined primarily as a fraterntiy guy? yes, it is part of you, but it is not who you are either. if i were your gf i might leave such partying details out myself. i wouldn't want church folks to know about such details. to be honest, it sounds like she's trying to make you look good, mature with a head on your shoulders. BUT, if i tbothers you, explain that to her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haven Posted March 28, 2007 Share Posted March 28, 2007 Why don't you ask her to share less personal information about you? For example, she could tell people about the college you're attending, or what your major and career plans are. She doesn't have to talk about what kind of fraternities you're in at all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarnelianButterfly Posted March 28, 2007 Share Posted March 28, 2007 no but i want her to give the full story. im just as proud of the honors fraternity as i am my social fraternity. i just dont like being portrayed as a innocent churchboy becuase i am so opposite of that. if they're going to know me i want them to know the real me you know? It might be she leaves off the party details so that they are more likely to accept you and approve of the relationship. Most devote church goers don't find the party life attractive or have the same level of respect for those that do. Why is it so important that they know you party? Do you want her to tell her friends her boyfriend partakes in underage drinking, who admits to being lazy and swears, not a portrait that all would consider good boyfriend potential. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shep88ner Posted March 28, 2007 Author Share Posted March 28, 2007 It might be she leaves off the party details so that they are more likely to accept you and approve of the relationship. Most devote church goers don't find the party life attractive or have the same level of respect for those that do. Why is it so important that they know you party? Do you want her to tell her friends her boyfriend partakes in underage drinking, who admits to being lazy and swears, not a portrait that all would consider good boyfriend potential. i see what you're all saying and i thank you for being honest and not just giving in to my side of the story like what happens a lot on here. and i dont really want her to go around telling people i drink and all that, because no good could ever come of that. i guess i dont want these people to think im some weird nerdy kid at college and i dont have any real friends. it didnt bother me so much until she told that guy that my fraternity was a bunch of nerds. now im not trying to do that whole, "nerd and geek" thing from high school, but i also dont like her going around saying that kind of stuff about me and my friends and giving them this crazy image of us Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarnelianButterfly Posted March 28, 2007 Share Posted March 28, 2007 You want them to think you're cool. Understandable Were you angry someone might think you a nerd? Is that so horrible? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shep88ner Posted March 28, 2007 Author Share Posted March 28, 2007 You want them to think you're cool. Understandable Were you angry someone might think you a nerd? Is that so horrible? no not really...but i do suppose you're right, i do what them to think im cool, in a way. i mean, i dont expect everyone to worship me and think im the "coolest" person alive...but i want them to view me as someone who is somebody and not just some genaric nerdy kid who studies all the time and all my friends are loser rejects that have no other friends but me. for some people this isnt a big deal because that is how they have grown up...being a "nerd" or whatever. but i really have never been viewed like that, i was never prom king popular but everyone knew me and i have my fair share of friends. so i dont expect to be viewed as some super popular guy, but on the other hand i dont want to be viewed as a nobody Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarnelianButterfly Posted March 28, 2007 Share Posted March 28, 2007 So you would rather be seen as the generic frat boy? Nerds are people to, your idea that they are nobodies is based on poor generalizations. Would they really be a nobody if that is who your girlfriend found attractive or wanted people to think she was involved with? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shep88ner Posted March 28, 2007 Author Share Posted March 28, 2007 So you would rather be seen as the generic frat boy? Nerds are people to, your idea that they are nobodies is based on poor generalizations. Would they really be a nobody if that is who your girlfriend found attractive or wanted people to think she was involved with? no, im not saying that "nerds" are nobodies, but i have never been a "nerd" ever through any of my years of high school so i am more apt to take it offensivly. i actually think the biggest part of this is that in high school, i was really shy and never talked to that many people. i got poor grades and didnt really have much drive to suceed in school. high school for me was basically spent having fun and puting school low on the priority list. but now in college im way different. i have a 3.4 gpa, im a part of all the honors stuff and all that. and above it all, my most self-priding thing is that ive really come out of my shell and steped WAY out of my comfort zone and i'm less shy. for me, doing that was harder than getting the grades, because i was always smart enough, just never applied myself. so i think a lot of me taking offense to it is becuase it has been so hard for me to become this new me and it's like she's just going around telling people all these things. true, she tells them about my honors, which is great, im very proud of that. but again she's not mentioning anything else, which for me was more of a challenge to overcome and in a way im more proud of myself. but she wont share that side of it because she's scared people will look at HER differently Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Altruist Posted March 28, 2007 Share Posted March 28, 2007 You shouldn't be upset by the fact that you're a nerd. Just accept it. It looks like you are putting too much effort to try to cover up the fact that you're academically gifted. Just accept it. We need more people like Einstein in this world. Maximize your potential. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shep88ner Posted March 28, 2007 Author Share Posted March 28, 2007 You shouldn't be upset by the fact that you're a nerd. Just accept it. It looks like you are putting too much effort to try to cover up the fact that you're academically gifted. Just accept it. We need more people like Einstein in this world. Maximize your potential. im not a nerd...i get good grades, that doesnt make me a nerd Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleadragonhawk Posted March 29, 2007 Share Posted March 29, 2007 From your situation, I think part of the problem might be feeling like your girlfriend would rather you be the way she describes you. I can understand why you wouldn't want to be misrepresented, but you also have to look at the context of the situation. Do you think it's appropriate for your girlfriend to tell members of her church that her boyfriend parties and drinks? Maybe you two can come to a compromise about what information is good to be shared, and what image of you she's projecting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sweetharmony Posted March 29, 2007 Share Posted March 29, 2007 I understand how you feel. I don't think being a nerd or geek is terrible! trust me, many girls really adore that quality over a frat guy anytime. She's probably trying to make you look good! b/c older people just love that stuff-it makes you look lice a nice, decent guy. you'll realize as you get older. But, I do understand where you're coming from. You don't want to be categorized and that's fine. Why don't you just have a talk with your girlfriend. If people ask about you, she can say things like ...he's a great guy, treats me well, intelligent, adorable, good social life, friends like him... i mean no big deal. just ask her to tone down calling you a nerd if you really have a problem with it. BUT i can see her leaving out the frat boy and drinking, partying thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ProtestTheHero Posted March 29, 2007 Share Posted March 29, 2007 Dude, I understand where you're coming from. I'm almost 18 myself and I am about to go to USF. I also have done fairly well in school, so I know what it's like to be branded a certain way. People automatically think that grades constitute a certain character, but I'm fairly lazy and I'm not the typical school-aholic, and it sucks when people label you like that. It comes with a whole set of assumptions about your character, and I can't remember the last time being called a nerd resulted in a girl at my house, so F that. I would just say that you don't wanna be portrayed as a one-dimensional guy, and if she is embarrassed by what you do, then that's something you'll have to work out. I've never had girls my age do that to me, but my parents do. My mom does the same thing with her little church group, and I can't stand religion and church at all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleadragonhawk Posted March 29, 2007 Share Posted March 29, 2007 "I can't remember the last time being called a nerd resulted in a girl at my house" Just to note, if my fiancé wasn't a "nerd", I'd probably have nothing to do with him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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