The break between the break

[emma34]

So we've been "broke up" for 2 days now...our break up was very ambiguous...he wanted to have a break and at the time, i was angry and wouldn't have it, so we broke up. There was no closure, no talk...nothing. Since, I've done a lot of thinking and have realized we can work it out and I love him, and I'm starting to see what went wrong. anyway, i'll get to the point...right now I know we both need time apart...at least I know I do, because I need to work out why I became so insecure over the last couple of months, and why I lashed out at him so much.

 

What I want to say to him is: "i love you and i know we can work it out. I do think time apart is good for us though, especially since I am so busy right now. (obviously theres more I'd like to say but what went wrong...but whatever)" I also want to know how he feels - like it's possible that he doesn't want to work it out in that case I need to hear

"it's over" or something

 

Anyway, it's been 2 days. I know I should wait to tell him this, but I want to get this out on the table BEFORE we have our time apart. At the same time I want time to leave for him to cool off... so how long do I wait??

 

I thought maybe 5 days and then I'd call him..but then I'm thinking maybe I'll just do a quick short email, get it out there...what do you guys think?

[DN]

I think you should tell him now. I don't think an extra three days will serve any useful purpose.

[willow2900]

I agree. The sooner the better. That way you can deal with whatever comes next sooner. Be it positive or negative.

[oldbutnew]

I agree with DN. Three days extra days doesn't make a difference. Also, if the truth is you feel you need time to work on your insecurities and anger (you hint at both) tell him that as well. And I always prefer (but do not get) a face to face for this type of discussion.

[DN]

Also - a break is not always a good idea anyway until you are sure that you have exhausted all attempts to sort out the problems in a relationship first. A break doesn't make problems disappear - it may sometimes give people perspective. But it should be a first resort not a first.

[emma34]

J,

 

I’ll make this short and sweet.

 

I’ve tried to figure out why it’s been so bad lately, and while I don’t know all the answers, I can see now that I am partially to blame. Putting myself in your shoes, I realized how frustrating it must be. I wanted to give it time, so that is why I’m e-mailing you now. Fact is, I love you, but I agree that we need to spend time apart…honestly, I hate to say it, but I think I need to work on my insecurities and find out why lately I had been so resentful towards you. I won’t get to into it now…so basically the reason why I am e-mailing you is because I want to find out sooner rather than later if you are willing to work it out at some point.

Although maybe I’m in denial, and in that case, I suppose I need to hear an “its over” from you.

 

Don’t know how to CLOSE

[DN]

See my previous post before you send it.

[emma34]

While I don't fully understand, what you said perspective...yes, definitely in need. Even over the last couple of days without him, I feel like I've gotten so much perspective

[terk2021]

emma,

 

I would treat a break just the same as I would treat a breakup. If you agree to spend a few days apart to work out problems, that's one thing. If someone asks for a break, I would consider the relationship over, and move forward for now.

 

Don't be afraid to tell him how you feel. Let him know how you feel, and I would not ask him how he feels. Let him read your email, and then get back in touch with you. I wish you the best. I was there 8 months ago. I am not even close to 100%, but I wish I could have looked forward after I sent her an email letting her know how I felt.

 

Terk

[DN]

You have to think through what problems you have - with him, with yourself and with the relationship. They are not necessarily the same thing.

 

Now - decide if those problems are better solved while still in the relationship or during and after a break. Maybe it would be as well to talk to him about that as well.

 

There are three possible ways of doing this - assuming you both want to save the relationship.

 

- stay together and work on the relationship now.

 

- break for a set period of time and then get together to work on the problems.

 

- talk about the problems now and decide what needs fixing. Then take a break for a week or so to think and then get back and start the work.

 

Whatever happens, you should not take a break without agreeing that you want to get back together to sort things out - whichever method you choose. Leaving it indecisive could lead to a break-up.