Manipulated

[mobetta]

Sorry, this is going to be long. I have been with my husband for 7 VERY LONG YEARS. We have only been married for about 18 months. We have two daughters, six, and 11 months.

 

Okay...to give you some history, while my husband and I were dating he was unfaithful, ALOT. Well we finally split up in May of 2005, and apparently he "saw the light" or whatever and decided that I was the only one for him, yadda, yadda, yadda. We got married in September of 2005, and at first everything was fine. I explained to him that if his old behavior should ever show up again...I'm out, period. There are also alot of "checks" on my part, because he had to earn my trust again.

 

Now his infidelity is not our only problem. Quite frankly he an A-hole, and I mean the kind where people in our old neighborhood actually approached me to tell me how much they hated him. He's the screaming maniac honking the horn and cursing at you for driving too slow (when you aren't). He's the guy that swoops in front of you when you've been waiting for a parking space to open up for half an hour. He's also the kind of guy to give his wife a cell phone for Christmas, and then take it everytime he gets upset with you. You get the picture.

 

Well recently I found out he has been talking and text messenging some girl and he told her that we were separated. She says that they never actually saw each other...it was just the message exchanges and occasional phone call. Now this is the same pattern of behavior from before...there was always the communication with someone...then the action. Also...where there is one person...there are always more, which leads me to believe that this is the only female that I know about, but this isn't the end of it.

 

He is VERY manipulative. He will work a situation for all that he can, and he knows that I am a very loyal person. He knows that I don't stay upset for long, and that breaking up my family is not something that I would ever want to do unless absolutely unavoidable. I told him that I wanted to sit down and talk about what happened, and he has refused. He says that he has said he is sorry, and he has nothing else to say about it. He says I should "do whatever I want to". Basically he is saying he doesn't care what I do, just make a decision and let him know.

 

I feel like this is his way of bullying me because he doesn't think that I will leave. It makes me want to leave that much more, and makes me realize just how heartless his is...I can't figure out what to do. In the meantime he is treating ME like crap....like I did something wrong, like taking my cell phone from me. I know that if I don't make the right move things will get worse, not better.

 

Please help, any advice is appreciated.

 

-Mo

[darkpumpkin]

I would start taking measures to leave. Start getting what you need to in order to be able to walk out with your children. I don't doubt you don't want to break up your family but he has bascially told you he's going to do what he wants which shows how important your family together his to him. I don't have a lot of experiance when it comes to marriage or the feelings you are feeling but I do believe that he won't change and that every person deserves better then that.

[DN]

Call his bluff. If it is a bluff.

 

Look at it this way:

 

Either he really does not care in which case you should leave him -why would you want to be with someone who doesn't care about you?

 

Or - he does care and is bluffing that you will cave in once more and he can carry on as usual knowing there are no consequences.

 

He seems a little obtuse so the wake-up call may have to be one he really understands.

 

I suggest you see a lawyer and file for divorce. Then serve the papers on him and say that if he doesn't agree to marriage counselling to sort out the relationship and also to personal counseling to sort out his own issues then you will proceed with the divorce.

 

All this presupposes that you love him still and want to make the marriage work - don't stay out of a misplaced sense of loyalty.

[mobetta]

Thanks for the replies...please keep them coming. I have an update. He sent me this email just now...I seny a mutual friend of ours a text over the weekend explaining what had happened...mind you this friend is married, and lives about four states away....

 

You want to call Mike XXXXX and speak on me, then you need to be with him, your decision has been made for you. Good Luck out there.

[fnlyfrei]

You sound VERY unhappy. What's it they say. "If momma ain't happy, NOBODY'S happy...." think of your daughters. Do you want them growing up and learning that it's a womans job to put up with cr** or do you want them to learn that if a man does not show them respect...he is out? He sounds like he is very selfish and needs to grow up. Some people never do.

[Hope75]

Hi There,

 

To be honest I don't get the impression that your husband thinks that you will actually leave as a result of his actions. And why would you? It seems for almost 7 years you have been accepting his cheating ways (and even if you ripped him apart verbally each time- you still stayed, which shows him that you will stay and forgive him time after time....)

 

So I am with DN. File for divorce. This guy is putting himself first and not his wife and children.

 

I don't think that divorce papers are going to change anything with him, at least not in the long term- but do you really even have a family if he is stepping out on you and the children? Ask yourself this-- if your daughters were older and dating a guy who treated them this way and who cheated, what would you advice them? Now, apply it to yourself.

[annie24]

I agree with DN. call his bluff and file for divorce. the guy does sound like a real jerk, maybe it is better off ending the relationship afterall! if he does want to go to counseling and you do want to save the marriage, then it is worth the shot. but go get those papers drawn up ASAP! good luck

[moonbeam111]

It sounds like he is a serial cheater. He needs help but you are not the one to provide it. Don't kid yourself that you can rescue him. He needs to make this choice himself.

 

You need to protect your children. Get a lawyer, separate finances, get the copies of all the important documents. Document how he participates in parenting. Who is taking care of the kids, their school, activities, feeding, etc... You need to have it ready for the custody battle.

 

You sound like a victim of abuse. Find a local support group for victims of abuse, get counseling for yourself and your kids. Line up your support system. Friends, family, and spiritual or religious support (whatever you need).

 

Don't try to have a revenge affair and avoid male attention until you are divorced. Even if your husband decides to work on recovery of your marriage, take it slow. Don't believe words, believe actions.

 

Good luck.

 

P.S. You may want to visit this website: link removed

Infidelity forum there is the best.

[Lsdaddy]

Agree with all above...If he truly does love you or the kids, he will change his ways when he sees that everything he loves could be gone. If not, you will know and you and the kids will be better off without this jerk...Good luck.