Is the grass greener on the other side???

[1forthegipper]

Hello everyone at ENA..... Had another thought this morning..thought I'd share it with you all..

 

I read and hear so much about ex's moving on to someone new because of relationships coming to a stall, or falling out of love.... Situations such as these are one the biggest blows to our self esteem as it leaves us with "why me", "was I not good enough", "what could I have done differently" "what does she or he have that I don't..etc etc etc"... One thing we need to remember is that it is not me or you that has the problem it is them (our ex's). When I say problem what I'm reffering to is the fact that in many situations they tend to not see what they have already and feel the need to look for more, greener pastures, something better!!!!! Now I've been in the dumper shoes a few times in my life and left for the same reasons as many others and I felt at one time that someone new would bring me more happiness and that she'd be "the one"..only to realize that what I had previously is all that I've ever needed but now she was gone and happy with someone new... To me I look at the situation from a gamblers perspective... Each time you're gambling in relationships and if you've got a good hand it's best to stay and reap the benefits.. If you keep betting your winnings and hoping for the jackpot, sooner or later you're going to bust!!!! and be left with nothing...

 

Why do we always have the perception that other people’s lives are better than ours? Why are we constantly trying to find something better? Why are we never satisfied with what we have? And why, oh why does the grass always seem greener on the other side??

 

The answer is simple. When we observe other people’s lives, it is usually only for a little while. And in that little while, we will probably see these people acting on their best behaviours, and we immediately form a good impression of them. All we usually get is a tiny inkling of how they really are, and most of the times, we like it. But, as you get to know someone better, you realise - hey, this person is messed up. They have all these problems and issues, small issues, but they have issues. WE ALL HAVE ISSUES!! We are not perfect, we all say things we shouldn’t, we all do things we shouldn’t and we all make mistakes. We all fight, we all get pissed off at each other and we all sometimes want to leave. But, we should try to remember, your next relationship or marriage will also have problems, infact you will have new problems and you will have to find new ways of dealing with them. Don’t get me wrong, if your relationship or marriage is just bad, then by all means - move on, but if it is mostly good, then try to ignore the small stuff - it will be beneficial.

 

While it always does seem like the grass is greener on the other side, just remember - when you get to the other side, you just may wanna come back….

 

 

Tha Gipp

[chickidee23]

Well stated! There is no such thing as a "perfect" relationship, "perfect" life..

 

It's not the perfections that make us who we are, that make our lives so unique from one another- it's those wonderful, distinctive imperfections.

[edmondguy]

I understand what you mean by "if it's good most of the time", but what if your relationship has the same 1 or 2 issues that never seem to go away?

If you ask most women what is wrong with their marriage, most of the time they say the romance is gone. If you ask most men, they usually say the sex is wrong or non-existent. Isn't it funny then that both of these problems stem from a lack of passion about the other person?

[1forthegipper]

edmondguy,

 

That's the problem with today's relationships. You see the passion,sex etc. will die down, it will become routine and people interpret that as falling out of loving, losing the spark. People need to wise up and realize relationships take work to maintain that spark, to get that spark back. It's sad because to many people think the only solution is to find someone new to get that spark only to realize that the passion and spark is only temporary in the beginning but takes work to maintain.

 

Why do people lose passion about their partner??? well because people get bored, we like excitement, we want things that are new thereforeeee many people fall into the trap of searching for that ONE PERSON that will give them that feeling 24/7/365 days a year.... That's impossible, we have bad days...our partners aren't perfect, everyone makes mistakes!!!!! The solution to this problem is to change what you have with you and yoru partner to make it better... Don't discard the love you have and replace with something new just because you feel something is missing, gone or wasn't there... Anything is possible and you have to work in a relationship to make it long term, committed and successful.....

 

Tha Gipp

[thisisjustsowrong]

Agree 100%. Being human we're inherently flawed. No matter how good we have it, after a while we get bored with it. We forget that when getting into a committed relationship we actually make a trade. On one side there is the excitement and mystery of new relationships, freedom, not having to make compromises, etc.. On the other side there is the privilage of being in a loving, supporting relationship, spending your life with someone who loves you and cares for you. Granted things are not always clear cut. Life is no bed of roses. Things aren't always easy. But it all comes down to making that choice. Do we want to chase love one relationship after another until its glow fades everytime or do we want something more meaningful, and make the best of it?

[1forthegipper]

Great addition to the post thisisjustsowrong!!!

 

You're only chasing rainbows if you live life with the mentality of finding "THE Perfect One"... Stop!!! work with what you've got and make the best out of life with the person you're with...

 

I hope people don't interpret this as to stay with someone you're unhappy with..I'm in no way implying that you do so but I do however suggest you analyze the problems in the relationship and exhausting all efforts to fix the relationship. Getting rid of a relationship with problems for a new relationship with problems that will eventually arise is senseless!!!!!

 

Disclaimer: Abuse,cheating..etc is grounds for terminating a relationship.. My opinion in the post is directed towards those relationships where one partner feels the need to explore another option rather than fix the one they've got.

 

Tha Gipp

[bar35]

There are some people who know how to work on relationships and there are people who do not know how to work on relationships. keep in mind that people come from a variety of different family backgrounds and influences and we almost all basically want people to fall into our schema of how life will work out. I have forced people out of my life, passive aggressive style (which is lame), but also have struggled to work things out too.

 

You are right, relationships require work. Some people know how to work on them, others don't. It's sad, especially when we want someone to fit into our schema of how to work on a relationship.

 

It would seem that some people do bounce around looking for that perfect relationship and then all of a sudden wind up lost. I have seen happen with two different women for sure, one with whom i was involved and another who is a sister of one of my most recent ex. I think that my ex is on that path too.

 

I remember all to clearly one of our final conversations i said "if things are hard we work together to fix it."

she said "i don't know how."

I said "we talk about it, and work on it together."

but it was either too late, or she just really didn't know how.

[Cyprian]

Granted things are not always clear cut. Life is no bed of roses. Things aren't always easy. But it all comes down to making that choice. Do we want to chase love one relationship after another until its glow fades everytime or do we want something more meaningful, and make the best of it?

 

Yeah but the funny thing is that I don't think you can teach someone this fact of life...they have to live through it or experience it in some way. It seems like my ex (and many people's exs) literally ARE going to go from one relationship to the next, continuing to search for that one perfect relationship that never loses the spark. Only when they are older and more mature will they realize what we are discussing here...

 

There certainly is no way to convince someone that the grass isn't greener when they are in the midst of their infatuation phase with the affair partner...even though I tried to convince her of this. Emotions will always win over reason.

[MasterT]

Gipper, that is one awesome post.

 

It always amazes me how ungrateful people can be in relationships. People take what they have for granted, and see a new opportunity and then leave the wonderful thing that they had.

 

Fast forward 3-4 months later, they realize... Oops. This person isn't anything like what I had before. I miss ... People need to realize that people are NEVER what they appear to be at a moment's glance. This is why I warn people to think long and hard before they decide to leave a good relationship. If you are in an abusive relationship, then I say leave them now! Otherwise, think long and hard about what you are doing. Is that other person really that special to you, or is it a moment's crush?

 

This is where I'd like to introduce the Limerance (or Crush) Test! Halt all contact with the person you are interested in leaving your ex for for at least 1 month. In essense, do NC. If you do that, and you are still pining for the new person, then you need to ask yourself:

 

1. Did I really honestly commit to the Limerance (Crush) Test?

2. If I did, what are the reasons for me leaving? Is it because I am truly unsatisfied with my current partner? Have I tried to work things out? Do I have a GOOD reason to leave?

 

I think if people did this, they might be surprised at the results.

[thisisjustsowrong]

Gipper, that is one awesome post.

 

It always amazes me how ungrateful people can be in relationships. People take what they have for granted, and see a new opportunity and then leave the wonderful thing that they had.

 

... what are the reasons for me leaving? Is it because I am truly unsatisfied with my current partner? Have I tried to work things out? Do I have a GOOD reason to leave?

 

I think if people did this, they might be surprised at the results.

 

I so agree with this. When people for some reason or other are unsatisfied with their relationship and they meet someone that they think they connect with, they don't even give a chance to their current relationship. They convince themselves that there is something missing in their relationship. They don't even try to work on the relationship and fix whatever that is missing. They look at the grass on the other side and pine for it. And this conviction that their relationship is over becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

Yeah but the funny thing is that I don't think you can teach someone this fact of life...they have to live through it or experience it in some way.

There certainly is no way to convince someone that the grass isn't greener when they are in the midst of their infatuation phase with the affair partner...

 

That unfortunately is true. People either know this or they don't and need to learn through experience. And when they learn their lesson, it is usually to late. I feel so sorry for the people who get hurt and for the perfectly fine relationships that get wasted in the meantime.

[House]

There's just one thing I can think of here that fits this perfectly...

 

'So why oh why do I look to the other side? ‘Cause I know, the grass is greener... But just as hard to mow' - The John Butler Trio

 

As said, no one is perfect, there's never finding any perfection in life. But damn they can come close, and you have to appreciate things for what they are, and people for who they are.

[confused82]

OKay I can totally add to this. My ex (unless I am really wearing some blinders) does not have someone else and she still left thinking that our relationship was too hard to work at and you shouldnt have to work that hard. I cant believe people think like this and atleast seeing from the comments you guys have made, I realize my partner isnt the only one out there with this demented thought process.

[Alaskaman]

My ex told me shows knows exactly what she wants from her previous 3 serious relationships. She said i wasnt giving her what she needed emotionally. She said all of this should happen naturally and she refuses to try and make me change or work on things b/c these things didnt happen naturally.

 

This still baffles me b/c alot of stuff did happen naturally, and thats how we got so close so fast. She found someone else who i guess "had exactly what she wanted", and she dumped me.