Advice needed

[looby12]

Three weeks ago I started seeing this guy who has within the last few weeks left his previous relationship of 18 years. The reason he left is because he wanted more out of life and he says that he does not love his partner. They have 3 children 12 and under. He has told me that his children are extremely important to him and would do anything for them, he also has a lot of contact with his ex, they occasionally work together and she is very friendly with his parents. I feel perhaps that he may be having a relationship with me on the rebound and wonder what others opinions are.

 

 

shel

[hosswhispra]

Remain a step behind him.

 

Go slow and proceed with some caution at first. Then see how things go and proceed from there.

[scotty77]

Mmm,it definitely seems like he is on the rebound but more important is what you expect out of the relationship,someone just coming out of that kind of relationship isn't going to likely want to get tied down in another very quickly.

[Scotcha]

I would be very cautious. Three weeks seems very sudden after 18 years together.

 

I might be going out on a limb here but I couldn't imagine myself in an 18 year relationship and having it end so suddenly. I am assuming that after so many years together the break up process might not be so cut and driy and may take a lot longer to be considered truly over.

[hosswhispra]

Can he really be considered to be rebounding?

 

I am not sure about that one. He was the one that chose to end his previous relationship. I wonder if that makes a difference?

[ghost69]

rebound? he hasn't dated in years. lock him up as yours. lol he's vulnerable.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Hey loob - Welcome to the forums!!

 

I am with the others who say be cautious.

 

I have been married for a number of years as well and sometimes it feels even longer. I sometimes LONG for some excitement and a change of pace as well.

 

Rebound? I wouldn't call it that so much as an adventure. The end results could be the same tho. When he's over it he could very possibly move on or back.

 

I would just be careful. He may have been done with his marriage years ago and is ready for a relationship that's different and stable. Only he can know for sure, if even HE does.

 

I say enjoy him and what you can from a relationship with him. Always be honest with him and yourself about your feelings and fears.

[boomvang]

I would be very cautious. Three weeks seems very sudden after 18 years together.

 

I might be going out on a limb here but I couldn't imagine myself in an 18 year relationship and having it end so suddenly. I am assuming that after so many years together the break up process might not be so cut and driy and may take a lot longer to be considered truly over.

 

Have to disagree with you there, based on personal experience. I was married 17 years, and by the time I finally worked up the gumption to leave her I was so sick of her, lonely for something good, and ready for someone else. It doesn't "end suddenly" if it was dead for years.

[Scotcha]

Have to disagree with you there, based on personal experience. I was married 17 years, and by the time I finally worked up the gumption to leave her I was so sick of her, lonely for something good, and ready for someone else. It doesn't "end suddenly" if it was dead for years.

 

The poster also mentioned that he is still in contact with his ex a lot, they work together, they have children together, and she is continuing a relationship with his parents. To me that just doesn't sound like something that is completely over and done with. To me it sounds like they are still working through the break up.

 

Like I said before, I would be cautious.

[ghost69]

i still can't believe people get so invovled with people with so many problems and baggage.

[Clementine orange]

i still can't believe people get so invovled with people with so many problems and baggage.

 

Everybodys got baggage - the older you are, the more you have. I get the impression that the OP (married 18 years yada yada) is a couple in late 30s or 40s etc. It's hard to find someone in that age group that doesn't have baggage or even entire luggage carosels, steamer trunks and u-haul trailers.

[ghost69]

i understand. but it seems the others have problems too. not just baggage.

[CanadianGirl]

well. maybe some people (like me) are looking to make others feel better, and in the end we are really avoiding emotional intimacy.

 

that's what im gathering from my bad move in dating this not-yet-divorced man. you guys have helped me alot. hes confused. so am i.

 

im getting out while the gettings good. i suggest you feel this guy out, but chances are....like my OP, they need time to heal and reinvent themselves.

[ghost69]

it's the best choice. find someone with no attachment, that wants no attachment.

[boomvang]

it's the best choice. find someone with no attachment, that wants no attachment.

 

lol... here's a fella who sure needs to be happy with his own company, 'cause he's gonna by himself a lot.

[ghost69]

lol... here's a fella who sure needs to be happy with his own company, 'cause he's gonna by himself a lot.

 

 

 

she said she wanted no attachment. so i suggest find someone that wants no attachment. what is the big deal? i don't do that anymore if you are referring to me.

[Donster]

My ex got together with a new boyfriend just a day after he and I officially broke up. 6 months later and they're still together.

 

One thing to remember is that the "dumper" in a relationship may have been planning to do the dumping for months or years before the "dumpee" ever finds out about it (and before it actually happens), so even though he met you only 3 weeks after they have officiall broken up, its possible that he has been mentally and emotionally prepared to move on for some time.

[looby12]

Thanks for the replies. I am not sure that he is completely over his ex, as he still has belongings at their house and does visit them regularly. He also cuts their grass and will continue to do any maintenance on the house and garden.

[scotty77]

i still can't believe people get so invovled with people with so many problems and baggage.

 

I think that is likely because it is so easy to overlook a lot of the baggage if you find the person physically attractive.

[boomvang]

well. maybe some people (like me) are looking to make others feel better, and in the end we are really avoiding emotional intimacy.

 

that's what im gathering from my bad move in dating this not-yet-divorced man. you guys have helped me alot. hes confused. so am i.

 

im getting out while the gettings good. i suggest you feel this guy out, but chances are....like my OP, they need time to heal and reinvent themselves.

 

Not that I advocate dating a married person, since that is not just (to a moral person) immoral, but also dangerous and in some places even illegal, but I have to share something that might be of some comfort:

 

I started seeing N____ four months before my divorce was final. N____ and I are still together 2 1/2 years later and are crazy about each other. She is my best friend; she stayed at my side through it all (it was a nasty mess) and without her, the divorce might have been the death of me. Good things can happen - you have to give them a chance.