still need alittle help

[hunter18]

i have posted a few times about my problems and i have been given alot of good advice. its been since jan when i found out about the 2nd affair(emotional) ans since nov. 06 since i found out about the 1st affair(physical) but i still can't get either out of my head. she said no to counseling so i am back to step one. she acts like everythings fine and back to normal. i try to act like i'm ok but i have to hold alot in. i am not a person to just blow up out the blew on anyone. if our 3yr old wasn't involved this would be easy, i would be gone. i am thinking about reading some material on infidelity since she want go to counseling, so can anyone give me some good suggestions on what to read to help me? our does anyone have any other advice on how i can get myself straightened out?

[rose2summer]

I have read your other threads and I am a bit confused.

 

She cheated on you physically and emotionally, and yet won't agree to improve herself via counseling.

 

What about this situation is elusive to you?

 

I think you need to be firmer with her and tell her that she needs to collaborate in working on the marriage.

 

There is no reason that you should carry all of the burden.

 

Hugs, Rose

[defriguy]

Hunter18 - I can tell you from experience and having been involved in an emotional affair, that your wife is probably still in contact with this other person and until all contact is broken, you have little chance of getting through to her.

[lostinwilderness]

Hunter,

 

I think that it is good that you are looking for ways to help yourself. However, I have to agree with rose2Summer, that your approach seems very backwards. SHE cheated on you. SHE broke the vows of your marriage. SHE SHOULD be the one doing everything in her power to try and restore your trust. Counciling should only be the START of her on going efforts.

 

Repairing the marriage will require work from you too, but if it does not start with her, how could you ever believe that she respects you enough to not cheat a THIRD time? She seems to feel that she can walk all over you and that you will take it. For your sake, I hope that she is wrong.

 

I would reccomend that you read "After the Affair" by Janis Spring. It has sections for both the unfaithful and hurt partners. Maybe it will help you see that while your desire to do 150% to fix the relationship may be common, you deserve a wife who will respect you and work with you not just to fix mistakes, but to avoid future ones. She should certainly be working every bit as hard as you (if not a whole lot more).

 

I hope you find your right path and are strong enough to walk it.

[hunter18]

i am wanting to gain help for myself so i can try to heal my enter strength. i feel if i can try to heal myself i would be able to be more firm about all this. i just need more strength so i can be for sure if i should stay orr go. i don't feel at this time my head and heart are strong enough to make a major decission about our marriage. when i tell her that she needs to do more to help me heal she just says i am trying and what more can i do. as for do i think she is still in contact with teh 2nd guy, i don't know. she knows i can see her phone records anytime and he has changed his phone #. so if she is still in contact with him it will be harder for me to find out this time. she did say if i wouldn't have found out she would probably still be talking to him because they were good friends. she still swares she never spend any time with him accept on the phone. thanks for all the advice from everyone.

[karvala]

She's in denial, and you're allowing her to be. She's asking what more she can do? Easy: (1) Go to counselling, whether she likes it or not, and (2) Stop all contact with the 2nd guy. If it was an emotional affair, and she's still in contact with him, then it still IS an emotional affair, going on right now. Her admission that she would still be doing it if you hadn't found out is startling.

 

It's time for her to make a choice, but she won't do so while you allow her to play both sides.

[isisastaria]

Need to put your foot down.

[hunter18]

i tried last night to talk to her about everything in a calm and peaceful matter. she still thinks 3 months is plenty of time for me to be over all this. i told her since counseling was not an option then maybe she could read some articles i printed out from here and the healing library in surviving infidelitys website. when i suggested this she rolled her eyes and said i guess. then i got mad and told her to just forget it because that proves she is not willing to do everything possible to make this work. i'm on my last leg at trying to make this work because without her help i can't do it. she always ask what she can do to help me but when i suggested reading some articles she has proven thats a lie to. does any one else know what i can do to help this situation or is it hopless?

[midnightrambler]

Hunter18 - I can tell you from experience and having been involved in an emotional affair, that your wife is probably still in contact with this other person and until all contact is broken, you have little chance of getting through to her.

 

and if that is the case I couldn't live with a partner that made a commitment to me.

[midnightrambler]

i tried last night to talk to her about everything in a calm and peaceful matter. she still thinks 3 months is plenty of time for me to be over all this.

 

i would find this viewpoint disturbing

[lostinwilderness]

Hunter,

 

There are several things here that would concern me. She does not seem to be taking responsibility for her actions or showing any understanding for your feelings. I think you need to sit down and write out a clear list of what you think you need from her to give your marriage a chance. Be honest with yourself about what you need. Then share that list with her.

 

If she works toward that list, then it will be a great start. If you were honest about what you need and she is not willing or able to do it, then you are obviously NOT going to get what you need from this relationship and you need to figure out how to get out.

 

Good luck!

[hunter18]

thats alot of my problem is i am so confussed at this point i really don't know what i want. i mean sex is one issue, we only have it once a month and that relly bothers me. our 3yr old still sleeps in the bed with us, don't get me wrong he is the love of my world but he should be sleeping in his own bed by now. i think i want details about the affairs but she just says i can't remember and i feel thats a lie. she knows i check her phone records online but she says thats just stupid. i just need to get my head and heart clear because i really can't answer what all i need because i don't know. thanks for your help.

[lostinwilderness]

have you considered some personal therapy to help you figure that out?

[karvala]

thats alot of my problem is i am so confussed at this point i really don't know what i want. i mean sex is one issue, we only have it once a month and that relly bothers me. our 3yr old still sleeps in the bed with us, don't get me wrong he is the love of my world but he should be sleeping in his own bed by now. i think i want details about the affairs but she just says i can't remember and i feel thats a lie. she knows i check her phone records online but she says thats just stupid. i just need to get my head and heart clear because i really can't answer what all i need because i don't know. thanks for your help.

 

Of course it's a lie, and it's a further indication of her state of denial (to herself, as well as you) over what she's done, and how things stand. She needs a wake-up call, and I'm afraid you're the one that has to give it to her.

[SummerGirl38]

I have said it before and I will say it again....

 

WHY DO PEOPLE WANT TO BE WITH SOMEONE WHO OBVIOUSLY DOES NOT WANT TO BE WITH THEM?

 

Sure she might say she wants to be with you, but her actions say otherwise!

 

I know it will probably make some people mad here, but you would of had to walk in my shoes to understand this.

 

I was the kid who wanted her parents to split. The cheating, the lies, the crying, sreaming at all hours of the night. Crying because Mommy and Daddy just could not get along and as a 7 year old, I witnessed some pretty nasty things that my eyes should have never seen.

 

So I'm sorry, but sometimes saving an already broken marriage for the sake of the child just is not worth it.

 

Let your kid see Mommy and Daddy both happy, not this!

[hunter18]

summergirl, we want fuss and argue in front of our boy because of the same reason you have said. that seems to be the problem, she don't want to spend the time away from him so we can talk our differences out. i do sometimes believe she don't want to be with me, shes just scared not to be. what i mean we have been together alnog time and she don't want the blame of splitting us up. do you have any advice on what i can do to really see if she wants to be here our not?

[SummerGirl38]

summergirl, we want fuss and argue in front of our boy because of the same reason you have said. that seems to be the problem, she don't want to spend the time away from him so we can talk our differences out. i do sometimes believe she don't want to be with me, shes just scared not to be. what i mean we have been together alnog time and she don't want the blame of splitting us up. do you have any advice on what i can do to really see if she wants to be here our not?

 

Quite honestly Hunter (not to kick a guy who already down) but if she cared about it being her fault if you split, she would not have cheated in the first place.

 

I have to say that while I am happy to see that you have not decided to trash each other in front of your son, don't think that one day he might not grow up and see the distance between the two of you. Witnessing this alone will change how he looks at his own relationships when he grows up.

 

Not that this will happen, but it is something to keep in mind.

 

While I have to applaud you for trying to make it work for your son's welfare,

I still think this relationship is doomed by the way she is dismissing what she has done here. Thinking that 3 months is enough time for you to be over it, the eye rolling, her refusing counseling, refusing to read a simple article where people have done exactly what she has. She simply can't look herself in the mirror.

 

Putting myself if your wife's shoes, I would do anything to regain your trust. I would own up to my faults and try to make you see that I care about your hurt.

 

You and I are two different people Hunter but I would say if she continues with this attitude, I would show her the door, kid or not.

[hunter18]

i do believe even at 3 my son can tell i am miserable. his mom can act like theres nothing wrong but i can't. its not that i fuss, its that i don't say much at all. it just seems i don't feel like saying a wole lot to her at this point in the relationship.i do love her but i really can't say how much i am in love with her because i don't know right now. i want it to work out for the families sake buti am having my doubts. it makes her mad when i am so quit around her but she needs to realize i don't have a whole lot to sya to her right now. its hard to have emotions when your heart and soul has been crushed. i might sound like a wussy feeling this way because i'm a man but i can't help it. do you think it's normal how i feel and by being so quit around her? thanks for all your advice, it means alot to me.

[SummerGirl38]

do you think it's normal how i feel and by being so quit around her?

 

GOD YES IT'S NORMAL, I think you are handling this the best way you know how. Although I don't think it can be beneficial to your health (to keep it all in) maybe this site can help you get your feelings out and reach your final decision.

 

It doesn't make you a wuss by any means to feel this way either. You love your wife, put your trust in your wife, made a family with your wife and have had this same wife rip your heart out, AND THEN, she has the nerve to act like it is no big deal.

 

I see you are trying to forgive Hunter, but ask yourself, will you ever forget?

 

PROBABLY NOT!

[hunter18]

thanks again summergirl you have been real helpful. i really don't know what i am going to do at this point. if you have read any of my earlier post you will know the whole story between us. i have been with her for 17yrs and been married for 12yrs. we have one child(3yrs old). you can see why i have stayed this long because of all the time invested and our child. i never left the house not even for one night after i found out about the 2 affairs, which i think might have been a mistake. that might have showed her i ment business.

[lostinwilderness]

do you have any advice on what i can do to really see if she wants to be here our not?

 

I think that you already have a lot of evidence about how she feels about this relationship.

 

1) She cheated

2) She Cheated Again

3) She is not willing to go to counciling with you

4) She is not willing to discuss/work on this with you

5) She is not understanding of the VERY reasonable feelings this causes for you

 

If this is how she shows she wants to be in a relationship, then what type of relationship does that say she wants?

 

Obviously we get a very narrow perspective of the whole relationship here. However, I have not seen anything to even hint that she wants to rebuild a mutual, supportive, and trusting relationship.