Gambler loses all - including love

[ukhurt]

This is long but I would appreciate everyone's advice.

 

I was with a girl that I loved more than anything else in the world, but unfortunately my gambling problem affected my ability to show her how much I loved her, nor give her the good time that she deserved. So she did the only thing possible and left me. Which I can understand. She did state that she wanted to remain best friends, but everytime I spoke to her I took it to far and asked for her to come back. And dragged up the past.

 

I went 'clean' for six months and saved enough to escape for seven weeks in Australia. I used this to clear my head and determine whether I was really in love with her or just relying on her for support. Well £6000 later I have worked it out for sure that I am still very much in love with her, even after 8 months apart.

i bought her gifts everywhere I went in the hope that things might have got better in the time apart. I did not contact her the whole time I was gone...as hard as it was.

 

I know she was going through a lot in her life at the time of the break up. But never said that. Rather offered my addiction as an excuse. Three weeks before the break up I told her I was seeing a counsellor to make things better for us. she said it was the best thing I could ever do. Then what happened? She went all crazy.

 

Before I left I sent her a heart felt email explaining how I felt and thanking her for giving me this opportunity. If we had of stayed together then we both would have ended up living long and miserable lives, and I would have dragged the woman I love down with me. I realise this now. This woman has changed my life.

 

Unofrtunately her best friend is in the same position, with a equal or greater gambling problem. And when the split first happened her friend and I had a chat and she revealed her secret to me. So I offered to help and we are supporting each other. Unfortunately I hear it has all gone horribly wrong since I was away and my ex has issued an ultimatum to her friend, saying that she either talks to me or her. Not both. So I am assuming that she is blaming me for the loss of friendship as well. Everyone is saying she is being childish and gutless and not worth it. I kow her better than them. To make matters worse all of us work in the same place, which complicates things all the more. So you can appreciate how hard it is to cure an addiction and get over the only woman you have ever loved. I have been 8 months clean, and I just want to sit down and tell her that and that everything will be ok. I have done it on my own, but have been using her as motivation.

 

i have to return to work on Tuesday after 7 weeks off and I guess I am after advice to handle things. Do I pretend that everything is fine and that I had a great time overseas? And that the trip made me get over her? What do I do if all I get is filthy stares from her? Do I attempt to contact her and try and resolve what her problems are? And what of the gifts? Do I let her know I have them? Or save them for a couple of months? How do I eradicate the hurt I have unintentionally caused?

 

Would appreciate all the advice I can get. I know how much I love this girl and would do anything to get her back. Cheers

[charmed]

Hi There !

 

I expect that you are feeling aprehensive about going back to work - and that is understandable. What you need is a plan to make sure that you are more comfortable about dealing with whatever you may get when you go in.

 

It doesn't help that you all work in teh same place, but that can not be helped nevertheless. Her making her friend choose you or her, does indeed show resent and probably a lot hurt.

 

You want to get back with her - and that is clear. You should decide to give her 1 more chance to get with you, and you can time this as follows.

 

I would suggest that you prepare yourself mentally for your return to work. Write up a list of the pros and cons of being with and without your ex. Don't like - be honest, and let your brain write most of this list. Also, you should draw up a list of the pros and cons of anyone being with you - the things that you have going for you, and any potential flaws you might have - like the gambling.

 

Look and study the list. THis is your holy grail - the way things are - the truth. Think about all the things you have written down over the coming days before you go back into work. What you need to do is get yourself to a stage where you feel quite together in terms of the way you are thinking about the whole situation. You see the irrational things she is doing like asking the friend to pick between you - well that is hardly attractive. If she had said "you can talk to both of us - I'm totally ok and able to deal with that" you could admire her strength of character. THat is attractive, irrational is not !

 

You get what I'm saying. You have to be composed - well at least you must "look" composed. That is the first step to getting or perhaps getting her back.

 

I would play it by ear for the first day or two - but make sure that you don't look shook up by anything she does - that will make her very curious about what you are thinking - instead of her knowing that you are "totally in bits and can't work properly - what a looser". Judging her actions there and what you see over the first day or two, consider then giving her the present.

 

Moving forward, you need to try and have a chat with her about the situation. If things are going good - then you should be able to arrange that, if not, you will need to be starting to move on and be happy in the knowledge that you gave her a chance, and she didn't take it - her loss.

 

Most of all, don't undervalue yourself in this deal. You should be attracting her back not forcing her back - and if it isn't going to happen naturally - don't force it.

 

Hope this helps you some,

 

~Charmed~

[ukhurt]

Well the dream is over. I went to work and all I got was filthy stares.

 

I guess there is just too much hurt and anger. Time too concentrate on myself!! Thanks for your advice Charmed!