How confused is he? does he want me?

[CanadianGirl]

Long story here guys. Please help shed some light.

 

I met this great guy. He asked me out on a date, and during the date he told me that he was separated but not yet divorced. They had been separated for 9 months and were not living together. They have 3 kids, and a business that they are going to have to divide. (*Im a single mom*)

 

Anyways...we hit it off quite nicely. Moved rather quickly, and we were kissing and making out at the movie. Immature, I know but oh well. After the date we went over to his house where we had sex. He said he wanted to see me again.

 

A week later, he ased me for dinner. After dinner, I came into his house and we worked on his webpage (Im a designer) for awhile then lead back to the bed for sex.

 

Another week later, we are discussing work related stuff ... I bring him dinnner, and we cuddle on the couch and eventually lead upstairs to the bedroom for sex...thats the 3rd time in 3 weeks.

 

This man was starting to get worried because his divorce isnt finalized yet the worst part--the money and kid division stuff was still to come. People started to find out about us and he got nervous. He told me that dating anyone (including me) is a risk because he can lose so much if she finds out and gets angry.

 

So. I text messaged him asking if this affair was too risky and he said Yes. So, I said I'd back off and leave him alone. He responded with "Im sorry...Im just not ready...yet". I told him that it's ok and that I wasnt hurt but I was a little. Then he thanked me for understanding.

 

I didn't stop contacting him though because he was supposed to make me a desk (hes a carpenter) and I was to make him a website. So, we contined talking (strictly business I said).

 

Then we kept in contact. He'd call and we talked for long periods of time sometimes..hours even. He told me alot of stuff about himself...really started to open up to me.

 

Then when I asked him to go and drive out of town to pick up a cheque for me (work related) He did it no questions asked. That night he took me out for dinner with his brother and friend. He was being close to me. Fed me bites of my lobster (in front of them all) and flirted heavily. Then we parted ways with a 'good nite' he said ' Ill call you'. He went to play at his hockey game.

 

Well a few days later he does text me. He invited me for dinner and a movie last night. During dinner he told me about how tired he was from hockey game sunday and riding his horses all day that day. He said he was really stiff and that he was so tired that he fell asleep waiting for me to get ready. We had good conversations and went to the casino to play a game of blackjack. I won and it was fun. We went to the movie...and no kissing no making out.....NOTHING.

 

Afterwards he walked me to my car and said "thanks....I'll see you again". Thats it. We drove almost all the way home side by side in our vehicles cause we live near by. Only, I thought we'd have sex this time but NO.

 

I texted him asking him "you should let me come and tuck you in" which was a way he said it to me before...........then I got no response, so I texted ".....or not......."

 

Then he texted me "good night"

 

I said "ditto" .

 

I texted him "so you only like me in a friendly way now? no more 'sexy time'?"

 

no response.

 

then I said "its cool if you want to be my buddy. Most of my friends are guys."

 

Not true. I like him alot.

 

Im wondering what happened. Help me to understand this guy. Why go from sex and making out like kids to NO AFFECTION?? how do I deal??

[greenmonster]

remain friends with him and let the other, and frankly more important, things in his life get resolved.

 

right now cant be an easy time for him with the divorce/kids/business and everything that revolves around that. I think the guy likes you but he is being honest when he said that he cant date you right now. to me it sounds like he was very taken by you and thinks that there might be a chance of a future with you, but unless he gets the other things in his life in order first....the relationship between you and him is only going to add confusion and problems.

 

I sugest backing off some...especially about the sex stuff. be his friend and be available to him if it makes sense. but I would stop pressing the issue so hard until things in his life are in order. otherwise it could end up causing you both a lot of grief.

 

just my thoughts anyway

[hosswhispra]

I recommend reading the book, Mars and Venus Starting Over, by John Gray. It will answer most of your questions.

 

I think he is not ready to have a relationship with you. He doesn't seem to want anything serious at this time.

 

Do you think that this is enough for you? If you don't think this type of a 'relationship' is enough for you, I recommend not seeing him again.

[changes]

i think greenmonster said it perfectly. its clear he likes u but has some stuff to clear up. i can respect that and think its actually cool that he choose that path rather than keep being involved w/u and make things more complicated. the fact that he seems standoffish, doesn't mean he doesn't like you. but i feel like men are able to better separate feelings when they have to.

[Jayar]

It happened because you couldn't have POSSIBLY made it any easier for him. I mean, short of showing UP naked maybe (then he wouldn't have even needed 10 minutes to get your clothes off). When you do something like this you basically are saying that you aren't even worth a proper courtship. Why should he think any higher of you than you are PRESENTING you think about yourself?

 

Remember, society might say that women should be able to have sex like men... But biology doesn't. And here is the consequence. He isn't confused by the sounds of it. More like you made yourself SO EASY to him (and didn't even retain a little of your dignity by not texting him for sex the last time you saw him) that he just tired of you.

 

Best of luck in the future.

[CanadianGirl]

Jayar. that's harsh. but most likely true. The only reason I brought it up was because it's not like we didn't do it before. So I thought it was ok. But, ya.......I guess I did look harsh.

 

I really regret it and did so right away. But, is my best bet to pack up and move on? Hes probably sick of me you all say? that's sad (for me)

[hosswhispra]

Hes probably sick of me you all say? that's sad (for me)

 

Maybe^

 

I think you should move on.

 

Because:

There is someone out there who will treat you like the jewel that you are.

[CanadianGirl]

so it looks quite dismal eh? i should just forget him, and not even try to befriend him?

[hosswhispra]

I would not befriend him if you're interested in having more than a typical friendship with him. If you were to be friends with someone and you wanted something more, I would imagine that to be quite emotionally painful. That's just me though.

 

I think you deserve someone that is really into you as much as you are into them.

 

Examine why you're interested in someone who is clearly unavailable . One reason why we go after unavailable people is because we are really trying to avoid emotional intimacy in some way. Have you given any thought to that possibility?

[scotty77]

I think you should move on or at least wait for a significant amount of time.

[Jayar]

I didn't mean to be harsh, girl... But sometimes it helps to hear from someone with a third-party perspective, right? I think you deserve so much better than you're getting from him. I also think that it will start with you respecting yourself as more than a sex object (I mean, if YOU don't, how can we expect guys to, right?)

 

Men like what they have to work for more than they like and value what is handed to them. Actually, we're all pretty well like that if you think about it. I'm not saying to be IMPOSSIBLE to get, but being harder to get than you were this time might serve you well.

[ghost69]

never get involved with someone that you are going to have to start off getting through stuff with.

[hosswhispra]

never get involved with someone that you are going to have to start off getting through stuff with.

 

That's excellent advice.

[CanadianGirl]

Thats true. It just seems weird that we started out sexually and now he is being friendly.

 

That's my main question. It was no problem before (having sex). Now all of a sudden he is pushing away the physical aspect and inviting the emotional and mental aspect. (Getting to know me, no contact).

 

Do you all think its cause he's under too much pressure and actually respects me (possibly not now that I actually asked for it) but before that?

 

why whould a man shift gears from hot n heavy to sincere?

[CanadianGirl]

I would not befriend him if you're interested in having more than a typical friendship with him. If you were to be friends with someone and you wanted something more, I would imagine that to be quite emotionally painful. That's just me though.

 

I think you deserve someone that is really into you as much as you are into them.

 

Examine why you're interested in someone who is clearly unavailable . One reason why we go after unavailable people is because we are really trying to avoid emotional intimacy in some way. Have you given any thought to that possibility?

 

This is exactly why I thought it was perfect for me. I fear love and commitment. He most likely won't want a relationship. I let him know that I didn't expect one and that I don't have time/energy for one. But, reality is that I do want the sex. I know it's not good to think like that, but to me all I really wanted was to have a "friend with benefits".

[ghost69]

well, you started out sexually. the chase is gone. he got some sorry to say.

 

i'm confused. you say you are getting attached. then you are saying he is being sincere. who is getting attached here?

[Batya33]

Sounds like it is not accurate that you only want sex or at least you are not being honest with yourself. What occurred is typical when you have an affair with a married man. The friends thing is not feasible right now because you are not satisfied with just being friends.

[agualibre777]

I don't think it necessarily means that the chase is over or that's why. I think it has more to do with what he told you. He said that he couldn't date, you agreed, and then hung out with him hoping that it would be more. But he was clear about why. I definitely think you should move on. He is getting divorced, it's probably gonna be a while before the smoke clears...

[CanadianGirl]

Ok. I asked him in a text message....if "am I right to assume that you are not into me sexually anymore, just friendly......?"

 

and he replied "Im just too busy.....sorry"

 

He could have replied with "yes, im not interested". Or, "ya, lets be friends".

 

He was honest about it before when I asked him if it was "too risky". He simply said "yes, thanks for understanding" and we still met up and hung out.

 

This guy is really confusing me. Do you think hes just trying to be "nice"?

[CanadianGirl]

Im cool with the friends thing. I just didn't really know it was happening. It wasn't clear..and now less than ever.

 

I think I need to constantly remind myself that he is MARRIED still. Yes, separated but NOT divorced.

 

And I don't remember saying Im attached . I like him, hes a good guy, honest and all that........but FUNDMENTALLy unavailable. Its hard though cause we click well.

 

But ya, he says hes too busy and he is. I don't think that he wants more than a date or two or a good time (obviously without the sex now).

[RayKay]

Honestly; I read this and thought he might be sleeping with someone else. Even men (that is not a dig by the way, just trying to counter those stereotypes!) will choose sexual exclusivity with someone; and end other relationships that are sexual to have it.

 

 

Could be wrong, but just the impression I got.

 

 

I think it may also be as he senses you DO want more; and so he pulled back away.

[CanadianGirl]

Ya, that's kinda what I think. I suspect he might have a thing for someone else. (Paige, his horse trainer).

 

If its true, its not good. He told me that he and her went out riding all day yesterday. She hadn't been out since her car accident. He talks fondly of her but he's known her since she was 15 and she's 19 now. He said her presense was a thorn in the marriage and his wife hated her being around so much.

 

But they share a mutal love for horses. She is 14 years younger than him and if they did get together it's pretty sick. Although I don't really know him well enough to believe that.........but if anything I could see him getting with her.

 

But we aren't comitted and if he did get with her, it's his thing. not mine - but that's a huge possibility.

[RayKay]

Well, I would not call it "sick" - they are both adults, above legal age, and can choose what they want to do.

 

I find it interesting his wife was threatened though...says there either was/is more to it, or she was very insecure....I don't know....but it is odd for a grown woman to be threatened by a teenager if there is nothing.

 

And you are right; it would be HIS thing and not yours.

[CanadianGirl]

Well, I think it's "sick" because he's known her since she was 15. If he is involved with her it's like being involved with a kid. He says that because they train horses together that they spent lots of time with each other and the wife didn't like that.

 

So, this brings me to assume that something more is happening between them. He showed me a picture of her on his phone yesterday. Told me that it was her, and that they spent the day together. So maybe if something was going on, he wouldn't have told me, but it's a possibility.

[ghost69]

i don't agree. if she becomes legal, it's okay. if he acted on that before, then it would be sick.