Confused!!! Need dating advice

[Donster]

OK, here's the background: I'm gay and was in a really long relationship that ended last summer and recently started dating over the past five months. I have never really done the dating thing before, so I am learning everything from scratch as I go along. (and probably making a lot of mistakes too as I go along!)

 

Here's my situation: There's a guy I've gone out with 4 times now, but we haven't even kissed yet and I have no clue where things are going or how I will find out. We met on a relationship-oriented dating website (a non-hookup site). First date: two hour coffee date and walk in a park. Great conversation. Second date: movie, walk, museum, dinner. Great 8-hour day together. 3rd date: we went shopping for groceries together and cooked a nice meal back at my place. 4th date: drinks and a movie. Each time we've never run out of things to talk about, we have a lot of shared interests, enough differences to keep things interesting. We laugh a lot. We have a really good time with each other.

 

Sounds fine, so far, right?

 

Here's the catch: It seems like I am always the one to initiate contact or to suggest getting together. He says he'll give me a call over the weekend, and never does. Each time after the first date, I have all but given up on him, and then decide to contact him to see if he would be interested in getting together. And I sense that there is some chemistry there, but the timing has never been right to initiate some kind of intimate physical contact. Also, each of these dates has occurred roughly every two weeks...so things are creeping along at a snail's pace.

 

I'm worried that we are just headed down the road to friendship, and I want a little more. But I also dont want to rush things or seem too aggressive. I know I tend to be rather impatient and headstrong, and I am used to be being rather to the point rather than subtly dancing around things. Even my mother told me that I should just be patient with the guy.

 

Possibilities: He does seem quite comfortable around me, but he may be a bit shy. He may just be a very passive individual who waits for me to make the first moves. He may already be dating someone. Or he may not be into me at all in a romantic way. In his defense, he's quite busy with work trying to start up a business and he spends a good amount of time at the gym, so I know that takes a lot of time out of his schedule. And when we do get together, he does offer up prime time (i.e., Friday or Saturday night, not just weekday evenings or weekend coffees).

 

Suggestions I have received from friends: 1) NC, let him make the next move. 2) Dump him, there are plenty of other guys out there. 3) Just be patient, things will sort themselves out over time.

 

I'm continuing to go out on dates with other people, as I am sure this guy is doing too. But he seems to be the one that I have the most fun with, and am the most compatible with in a lot of different ways (except for his minimalist communication style), which is why I do want things to progress with him.

 

*sigh* Any thoughts, suggestions, observations, or further lines of questioning that may shed light on this situation would be GREATLY appreciated.

[numbhead]

why not try slipping some oxylocin into his drink or something lol

 

difficult situation! mmmm.. i would leave it longer than you have been, then if he hasnt contacted you.. give him a call and ask him for another date,, but make the date a more romantic offer! like an evening meal or something!

 

dont be exposing too much of your heart too soon or you will be sure to get hurt again my friend!

[Donster]

That's a good suggestion Nummy, to wait longer than usual to see if he will come around and take the initiative to ask me out to something. And the plan B would be good too, to ask him over to cook again...I know he loves to cook (as do I), and it's something we did have a lot of fun doing together.

 

But I just wish I could get a peek inside his brain to see what's going on inside. Maybe it's his lack of transparency that makes me more attracted to him.

 

I have so much to learn with this dating game!!

[numbhead]

lol.. ye snds to me like you are attracted to this mysterious person!

 

you never know, if and when he opens up you might change your mind!

 

i would consider actually going out to a restaurant though! candle lit,,,,this would take both of you to neutral ground and out of your comfort zones emotionally dont you think!!?

[hosswhispra]

why not try slipping some oxylocin into his drink or something lol

 

Wonder if you meant oxytocin?

 

That would only work if the dude was a woman.

[numbhead]

ye with a "t" that is very observant of you hoss!

 

i'm no expert but it is actually found in both 'male and females'!,, and oxylocin is a biologically active analogue of oxytocin!

 

i was referring to an earlier thread that donster wrote!

[StillClimbing]

donster-

 

question: when you DO call him, does he sound excited to hear from you? Does he asnwer right away? Does he sound eager to get together when you suggest it or does he tell you he's got a lot of other things going on?

 

Some people are just not initiators. The like to be called. It is a bit confusing that he says he will call you and doesn't, but maybe it's more a manner of speech.

 

I think that if you totally stopped calling him at this point he probably wouldn't call you. How about giving it one more try...one more date...and then asking him about his dating situation...if he's seeing other people. I thiink that by the 5th date it's reasonable to get an idea of someone else's situation. Tell him you've had so much fun on the dates you have been on and see what his reaction is. After that, the ball is in his court....

 

Good luck! This stuff is always so irriatating!

[hosswhispra]

ye with a "t" that is very observant of you hoss!

 

i'm no expert but it is actually found in both 'male and females'!,, and oxylocin is a biologically active analogue of oxytocin!

 

Men do have oxytocin and oxytocin receptors in their bodies. But it doesn't have the bonding effect on men as it does for women. I believe for men it is vasopressin.

 

I always thought that if one could synthesize an oxytocin antagonist (blocking the effects of oxytocin), it would make it much easier for a female to engage in casual sex without the risk of becoming emotionally attached. That's just my scientific mind at work

[Daddy Bear]

Some people are just not initiators. The like to be called. It is a bit confusing that he says he will call you and doesn't, but maybe it's more a manner of speech.

 

I think that if you totally stopped calling him at this point he probably wouldn't call you.

My thoughts exactly. In my case, for example, I'm perfectly happy letting the girl do virtually all of the initiating. It doesn't mean I'm not interested.

[Donster]

Well for starters, we're not in the habit of calling each other unless it is the day of our planned meeting and we need to figure out where to meet, etc. That's one thing I could change...to just call him out of the blue to see how his day was or whatever. But when we do communicate (mostly be email) he does seem quite happy to hear from me. After a couple of the dates, he did write back to say how much fun he had and how we should get together again, blah blah blah...but then I wait and nothing happens!!!

 

I'm sure he is seeing other people, as have I. But you're right, I probably should just have a talk with him to see where he is in my life. I can't read his mind. Part of me thinks that he is so busy working on starting his business that he really doesnt have time for a relationship, but that he does take some time out to see me. And then part of me says that he isn't that into me or just sees me as a friend. Which would be fine, but I just want to know if that is the case so that I can pursue other romantic interests.

 

Here's an example of a recent interaction: I saw him last Thursday for a movie. On Saturday afternoon, I get a text from him saying that he just received a blank text from me. I check, and lo and behold, my new mobile texted him and another friend with blank messages! So I write back, and also ask how his Saturday is going. And I get back...absolutely nothing.

 

This weekend, I just decided to have a house-warming party (I just moved into a new flat a few weeks ago, but I havent had time yet to organize anything, and if I dont do it this weekend, I wont have time for another month). Should I invite him? Or not? Should I just leave him be for the time being?

 

LOL, I feel like I am trapped in an episode of Dawson's Creek!

[finewhine]

Dawson's Creek! Ha!

 

I would invite him to your party only if you don't want to date anyone else there. It's hard dating multiple people and deciding whom you should invite to a party. Me, I stick with prospects.

[Donster]

OK, thank you all for the advice. I was originally going to just leave him be to see exactly how long it would take before he contacted me again, but since I did have this party planned, I decided to invite him.

 

He was one of the first people to email me back the next morning, and he did seem quite engaged and interested in his email, asking me how things were and what my Easter plans were. (is he fishing for an invitation to do something together over Easter or is he just being polite?) and he nicely apologized that he probably wont be able to come to my party because of plans with out-of-town visitors, but that he would try (so non-committal!!). So typical of our interactions, I wrote him back telling him a little bit of what's going on, and asking him if he was sticking around for Easter.

 

My prediction, based on previous interactions, is that I won't hear back from him at all after this, even though I ended my last message to him with a direct question! And this is what is driving me crazy. Is it just the way he is? Is there any meaning to it? Maybe he's not an email person and I should start phoning him instead?