Getting Over It

[I Am Noone]

Hi everybody,

 

I feel stupid for needing to do this but basically I need some help. I've been with my girlfriend for about 9 months now and we're very much in love, but she has some serious issues and really I'm the only person she has been able to talk to. I try and be as supportive as I can but the problem is that knowing about her past is now affecting me badly. I don't want to go on too long so I'll try and be brief.

 

She was raped a couple of years ago. Maybe twice - she doesn't know. A guy she thought was a friend gave her a lot of alcohol and drugs until she was in such a state she couldn't even walk by herself. She doesn't remember if he did anything to her although from what she does remember I believe he did. A friend of his then offered to drive her home, and raped her in the car - she remembers that part.

 

This is my first problem - getting this out of my head. Not a day goes by that I don't think about it and it honest to God tears me up inside.

 

After this she just lost it. Got involved in hard drugs, drinking too much, became very promiscuous. She had several sexual partners, one night stands etc. She tells me she never enjoyed sex with anyone but me - she did it because she was 'punishing herself' or because she felt that was all she was good for.

 

I feel sympathetic and I try to understand but I have to admit I have a hard time coming to terms with the stories she has told me about this time in her life - that's the second thing I need help with.

 

Finally, a couple of months into our relationship we went out drinking with a couple of her friends - both male. Near the end of the night I said I was going home and she decided to go back to her friends shared house for a few more drinks. Looking back I feel so stupid, but being that they were her friends - I thought nothing of it. This time after drinking too much she passed out and one of her 'friends' did...something. She doesn't remember, and has completely blocked it out. He may have raped her but lated claimed he was 'using his fingers'. Words cannot describe my anger.

 

My problem here obviously is guilt. I blame myself for not going with her - to make sure she was ok. And I blame myself for not somehow getting this guy back. I hate him. I want to kill him. And the guys who did it to her before. Every single day I feel this anger and hate and complete uselessness because I have done nothing.

 

I feel helpess - and I feel bad for complaining since it was her who had to go through all of this terrible stuff. But I need some help.

 

If anyone has any advice for me about helping her - just by talking and being there for her, I'd greatly appreciate it. And if anyone has any advice for me - coming to terms with all this stuff, I'd be very grateful. I need to be able to push it out of my mind - I feel very weak for asking for help like this, but I suppose it can't hurt.

 

Thanks for reading.

[GQstatus]

Don't ever feel "weak" for seeking out advice in something you yourself, are not used to.

 

I've been in your shoes, and yeah, it sucks. It sucks that there's nothing YOU can do to "help her". And that's just it, you can't take her pain away. Has she sought help for any of this in the past?

 

The whole incident with her "friends", when you had left, sounds a little suspicious. I don't want to make false assumptions, but it's highly likely, she had a little too much to drink, and even though she was drunk, willingly fooled around with this guy. Then in a sober state "blocked it out". She didn't block it out, she doesn't want to discuss it with you, because she feels guilty.

 

My ex was raped/molested/abused by her step father at a very young age. And also told me she had never felt "comfortable" having sex until I came along. Because I WAITED to have sex with her. And when we did have sex, it wasn't wam-bam-thankyou-mam. I attended to her needs as a woman, and made her FEEL loved. Something her past abusive bf's have not done. She dates losers, because she feels that's all she deserves. Abuse feels "normal" to her.

 

I think you need to sit down and really try and talk to your girl. Let her know you care enough about her, to want her to care about herself.

[desertsoul]

I can definitely sympathize with you also. I've been dealing with the feelings that come with knowing what happened to my wife since shortly after I met her, things that sound very familiar to what happened to your girlfriend. It's hard. I know what it's like to want to kill those who have wronged someone you love, especially when it causes as much damage as rape often does. But the best thing you can do for your girlfriend, which is who this is really about, is to keep loving her more than anyone ever has and to treat her like she deserves to be treated.

 

I find it hard not to be extremely over-protective of my wife, even now. It sounds like you also feel the need to play the role of guardian. However, you have to realize that you can't protect her all the time. She is responsible for her own actions. You're going to have to let her know that she needs to be careful and try to take care of herself better if she's going to be with you. She shouldn't be drinking to the point where she lacks the strength and/or judgment necessary to keep guys from taking advantage of her. It's not fair to you for her to put herself at risk like that. GQstatus was right on the money: she needs to start to care about herself more.