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what's going on in the mind of a dumper?


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Hi everybody,


A week ago I "debuted" on this site with my story about a woman I liked and in the end went back to her (much older) ex. I don't have any problems not contacting her which doesn't mean I'm not in pain... it still hurts! But what I find extremely difficult is:


1. Finding a reason why she went back although 2 days earlier she was still "all over me" (whatever that means). And I'm not talking about the obvious fact she still had strong feelings for him but I keep asking myself what's going on in the mind of such a person: one minute (=during months) she's really attracted to me and believes in a relationship and suddenly she's switching her behavior and is in a matter of 48 hours crawling back to her ex. How is that possible?

2. Recognizing in her behavior patterns I ALSO "used" years ago when I went out with a woman for a month and then just stopped calling her. OK... I met her abroad and after my holidays I didn't fancy a LDR although I liked her... but it was cruel anyway giving her the impression it could've worked out. And I also DON'T know why I behaved like that in the first place!


What do you think?

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That really is the best advice. No contact with her. I have been in relationships where a woman has broken up with me, dated someone else, come back to me, broke with me, dated god knows how many people, come back to me then FINALLY we broke up for good.


As far as what is going on in their mind, let me tell you, i have driven myself to near insanity, literally, trying to figure that out. i am cursed with being a student of psychology too. If you can avoid trying to figure out her though processes you'll save yourself some grief, if you have to think about her realize that her reasons are not necessarily ones that you would ever understand. If she started talking to you about her reasons you


A)might nod your head in understanding and say "ok, i understand, please have a great life with this other guy. I wish you all the best"(like anyone ever thinks that!)


B)try to convince her otherwise, try to change the way that she is thinking and show her the error of her ways, and this is one slippery slope. Because once you think that you can do that you will break your back trying to show her if she doesn't come around and in the end she will do what her impulses tell her to do anyway.


good luck with it. Obsession is pain, but our thoughts, no matter how compelling they are, are not reality, they are just thoughts which reflect our ever so human and imperfect perception of our situations, only to be clouded further by our emotions, and sense of loss.


feel free to PM on this, i go through this everyday.

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honestly, i dont think this was just a 48 hour feeling, i bet she was contemplating going back to him for awhile and just didnt lead it on. i know you may be confused and want to figure to why things were great one day and not the next, but i'd listen to what southerngirl said...you will only be hurting yourself more.


so she went back to her ex...do you really want to be with someone so wishy washy in the first place? you deserve someone fully committed to you. i believe times such as this show a lot about someones character. show that you can stand on you're own two feet, you survived once without her so no doubt will you be able to again.

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Thanks a lot everybody. Of course it wasn't a 48 hours feeling, you're right psu11. But she could've told/shown me it much earlier in the "process", stopped coming on to me... I would have backed off immediately and the whole painfull process of getting your emotional life back together would have been avoided.

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