So my good friend and I decided...

[need2bme]

it was time to have sex. (if this is not the proper forum, please move it or let me know where to post it).

 

OK, we decided, but we had help from the music, drinks and the fact that her BF and my ex basically don't feel the same way about us, as we do about them.

 

Now of course, as one can imagine, there is a small problem and that is that I think she actually wants more than friendship. She says she is fine with all of this, but she does other things that make me think she is not.

 

For instance, she gets up on the couch behind me and gives me a back rub. Afterwards, she pulls me closer and rubs my chest while her arms are around me. Messages me that she really wants to kiss me, etc...

 

That is what you do when you are more than friends. She knows I still have feelings for my ex. She says we can still talk about anything and she would be sad to lose our friendship. So now what? There is no way I can talk to her about the ex now.

 

What; while we have sex, I am supposed to say, "you are so sexy and oh, btw, did I tell you about the problem I was having with "you-know-who""?

 

She even says she is fine with the friends with benefits. We have known each other for a long time, but I feel a little weird. I don't want a girlfriend right now and I certainly don't want to mess up our relationship as friends.

 

Man, what a mess...

[fall3n]

yeah it does mess things up. i was/am in the same thing with a good friend of mine....and now she's pregnant with my kid and we hate eachother.

 

horrible way to ruin a friendship.

[finewhine]

That is a TOTAL mess. Stop it right now!

 

Here's what I would do if I were you: stop screwing her. She's probably not over her ex, either, and transferring her feelings onto you.

 

Since you seem to have a head on your shoulders about this, please just stop having sex with her. Explain to her that you're really worried it will mess up your friendship. Tell her you're really sorry that the friendship was potentially endangered, but you need to go on a little reconaissance mission and STOP HAVING SEX and you hope things aren't weird between the two of you. If you're good enough friends, you'll laugh about this someday, I'm sure.

[blender]

you feel "a little weird" because this is not a sincerely mature, and respectful choice.. having sex with a girl who you are not emotionally willing to make an effort to be involved with on a deeper level is usually a mistake, it leaves you feeling "less" about each other eventually and more importantly it will not leave you feeling good about YOURSELF.. so why do it, just for a few minutes of intimate physical pleasure?? C'mon you have more class, restraint and self respect than that, right?

 

Tell her that the "sex" may be a mistake if you continue it, because you are realizing that even though she says it's fine with her to be friends with benefits..well, that it's getting a bit confusing right now for you, and you are still not over your ex, and even though this friends with benefits things may SEEM like a good idea, it's not really respectful or emotionally safe for either of you.

 

because that is a fact..it's already not working...

[need2bme]

Finewine: Thanks. That first part of your advice, I already got. Also, to be more clear, her "ex" is really a guy that did not reciprocate her feelings. I have explained to her how I feel and will probably get another chance to speak with her tonight. I think she is a special person, so I need to make sure that she knows that her being a special person, means that I don't have sex with her.

 

Blender: Yeah, I felt more than a little weird. I don't blame it on anything but me. My friend and I are involved on an "emotional" level. She knows many things about me and helped me through some rough stuff with the ex. But, I do understand what you are stating with your post; I am not into "that" kind of emotional level with her.

 

I firmly agree it is not "emotionally safe" to be having sex with her. I will transfer all of the feelings of heartache, fear, distrust, etc. directly to whatever type of relationship happens with anyone, until I can get staight all of the feelings I still have for the ex and all of the stuff I need to clear up in my own head.

 

I do have a little class and self respect and I have shown restraint before. I made a mistake and just wasn't thinking. I didn't post because I thought I should continue, I posted, because I know it can't.

 

Thanks, as always...

[need2bme]

Oh, and I should add, we only have had sex, once. What I meant by restraint, was that I have never tried ANYTHING with her, before this past weekend.

[kmartin85]

then you need to be honest with her and just stop it now. dont fall into and have sex again and lead her on..a lot of girls put more emotion into being sexual than men do..so just think about how you both are going to feel in the long run..talk about it and dont pretend it didnt happen and dont allow anymore massages from here on out

[finewhine]

Did you talk to her already? How'd she take it?

 

I hope, for your friendship's sake, she can take it well. She should be able to understand that you care for her and, thereforeeee, cannot continue to endanger your friendship by sleeping with her. She may not be able to understand this immediately, but she will if she has any sense about her.

 

Please don't beat yourself up over this. When we get our hearts broken, we sleep with people we shouldn't. It's just what happens. Put two people in this situation together and it's practically a given! She shouldn't beat herself up either, and it sounds like you're going to take care that her feelings don't get hurt.

 

I think as long as you only slept together once, you should be totally fine. Good luck!