Ex Coming Back After "Party Phase"?

[macgyver4ever]

I have seen there are a lot of guys on here who's ex's broke up with them because they were in the "Party Phase."

 

- What causes people to go into this "Party Phase" (or desire for freedom)?

 

- Has anyone had their ex return after "getting it out of their system"?

 

- If they returned, or tried to reconcile, how did it "turn out"?

 

 

I managed to use "quotations" in ever single sentence. I'm "Proud"!

[kate111]

I don't know. I'd like to know though.

 

A friend of mine says sometimes people do make contact again when they mature.

[Cyprian]

lol. Sadly, I think it will be a long time before either of our EX's "get it out of their system".

[kate111]

When I broke up to be "free" it took about 4 years.

[caro33]

"Good work" macgyver .

 

I have witnessed the party phase both in my friends and in my own life, but have found the situation depends heavily on circumstances such as stage of life and years of dating.

 

So you might find someone wanting to break free when they leave school, and perhaps go to college. There's a whole new world there to explore and your average 18 - 20 year old wants to explore it.

 

Or when people go overseas or interstate for a long time - hard to maintain a long distance relationship sometimes.

 

Others break free when they've been together for years and hit a milestone, like turning 30. My own relationship ended after 10 years for this reason - he wanted to live as a single man. Many long term relationships around me ended at a similar life stage.

 

There's the mid-life crisis too.

 

- What causes people to go into this "Party Phase" (or desire for freedom)?

 

The desire for freedom comes from a re-evaluation of life to that point, a sense of lost opportunities, of "how did I get here?". Maybe they don't want to be in a relationship anymore, maybe they are depressed and looking to party away their worries. So many reasons to feel trapped, some more valid perhaps than others. Some can be resolved, others can't.

 

- Has anyone had their ex return after "getting it out of their system"?

 

Well it happens, I know it happens because I read about it here. But personally it's not happened to me in recent memory. It did happen to me early in my 10 year relationship - the first two years were marked by him vacillating between wanting a relationship and wanting to be Mr Single Party Man. Now if you'd asked me 6 years ago if it worked out, I would have said "yes". But you see, he hadn't left me permanently at that stage. In hindsight, the reason he left after 10 years was the same as when he left at 1, 1.5 and 2 years. I should have paid more attention. He never really got his need to break free of what I represented (permanency, a family) out of his system.

 

- If they returned, or tried to reconcile, how did it "turn out"?

 

See above. I personally believe that when one leaves to party and then comes back it does not bode well. But the cirumstances change. I would have more hope of reconciliation for the teenager who parties at college and then comes home, or for the man who freaks out and leaves his wife when the bankruptcy is imminent, than for the 20-something with no responsibilities who just gets sick of things and wants to have some fun.

 

Sorry for the long post. What are your own circumstances?

[mohair27]

My ex came back after 8 months and her party phase was over, she told me that I was a nice guy and she regretted everything, needless to say we never got back together and she continues her partying.

[kate111]

You're a wise woman Caro! Thanks for that.

[caro33]

You're a wise woman Caro! Thanks for that.

 

Thanks kate, that's nice of you to say. Glad the months of obsessing over my own lost relationship got me somewhere after all . Hope you're doing well.

[kate111]

Mine got successful. He wanted to enjoy the benefits which come with that.

 

I still hold out hope he will come back. But realise that this hope may be futile.

[Dubb]

I think it just depends on the person. I also think the people around them have a lot to do with it. Seems like once a few people in a group of friends start to settle down the rest follow. My ex is going through the whole time to herself phase right now. Not much I can do about it. Most of her close friends are married and having kids. I guess that might help me in the end but I'm not gonna wait on it. I feel like she put me out there so it's her loss if another girl who is ready picks me up.

[Cyprian]

I think it just depends on the person. I also think the people around them have a lot to do with it. Seems like once a few people in a group of friends start to settle down the rest follow.

 

I couldn't agree more...except it works the opposite way as well. Surround a good person with bad people..............................

[kate111]

Mine had a new group of friends around him actually. They were younger than him and into getting laid etc.

[macgyver4ever]

"Good work" macgyver .

 

What are your own circumstances?

 

I'll try to make it short.

We were together 4 years, the sweetest person I have ever met. Last April she made out with my roommate when they were drunk. I was planning to take her to pick out a ring the next day, so I was very hurt. I forgave her, but she did not forgive herself. This lead to some minor depression, second thoughts, and cold feet. She started dwelling on the negatives in our relationship.

 

This Summer she started going out with her single friends a lot, and met a coworker who always complimented her, and laughed at her jokes. Because she was depressed, she liked this and ended up falling for him. She saw him behind my back for the next 3 months, even though she told me she was not. She started going out 3 nights a week, and eventually told me she wanted a break. After I found out about the other guy, I broke up with her. She tried to come back once, but wouldn't break up with the other guy. She eventually decided she didn't want to try anymore.

 

Right now I am just giving her the space to work out her issues. She has many, and I am glad to not be involved.

 

What is the verdict???

[Amanda80]

I'm going through the same thing right now. I am not hopeful that he will come back & say he regrets anything. I wonder how long he will like to "PARTY!" as he says it. After a while it becomes such a meaningless existence. There is so much more to life than getting wasted at the bars.

[kate111]

Macgyver:

 

Sounds like she isn't ready to commit to you.

 

Best thing you can do in my opinion?

 

Do not contact her.

 

Act happy and like it was the best thing that ever happened to you. Fake it until you make it. If you can, date someone else. She'll find out about this through the grapevine and if nothing else, at least she won't get the ego boost of knowing you are pining over her. If you are lucky she may even get interested in you again.

[caro33]

I tend to agree with kate, sorry. She just does not sound like she's in anything like the headspace required to be who you need her to be.

[macgyver4ever]

I'm going through the same thing right now. I am not hopeful that he will come back & say he regrets anything. I wonder how long he will like to "PARTY!" as he says it. After a while it becomes such a meaningless existence. There is so much more to life than getting wasted at the bars.

 

Right on!!

 

I don't get the point of it either. It can be fun, but is no way to live your life. I'm not expecting my ex to come back either. You cannot expect to be forgiven after doing this to someone you have been with for 4 years. Someone you say you want to marry and have kids with. It ain't right.

 

Maybe our ex's are together???

[Cyprian]

what about me?

[macgyver4ever]

Macgyver:

 

Sounds like she isn't ready to commit to you.

 

Best thing you can do in my opinion?

 

Do not contact her.

 

Act happy and like it was the best thing that ever happened to you. Fake it until you make it. If you can, date someone else. She'll find out about this through the grapevine and if nothing else, at least she won't get the ego boost of knowing you are pining over her. If you are lucky she may even get interested in you again.

 

She was ready, but cheating on me was a wake up call to her that she wasn't ready. Or at least she felt if she was so immature to do that, that she was not mature enough for marriage.

 

I'm not contacting her, but when I have I have done exactly like you said. happy, upbeat, positive. I've dated 3 girls so far, and met a great girl last night.

 

I don't know what will happen, but am doing my best to try not to care. I love her still, but finally am beginning to let go of hope. I don't want to be with the person she has become, but hope that the sweet girl I fell in love with returns one day.

[kate111]

Cyprian:

 

Yours in going overseas with a new guy right?

 

Sounds to me like she was getting bored and wanted a change of scene. She also wasn't ready to settle down.

 

I think you definitely have a chance she could come back if you play your cards right. 7 years is a long time. Also, the overseas thing may crumble.

 

But I would do the same. Try to move on, date and recover.

 

I'd give her some space, maybe a few months, and then occasionally email her. See if she responds.

[Cyprian]

She responds...instantly. I got very drunk (and driving, no less - I know, I am an idiot, and I'm not going to do it again) the other night...and I got lost driving around. I panic'd and (maybe it was just an excuse to text her as well, but) I texted the ex! One minute later she called...and I realized how crazy I was to have texted her so I ignored the phone call. Then finally when I called a friend and got directions home, I texted the ex back and told her I was home safe and not to worry about me.

 

I know I screwed up, but the point is that she will respond...she loves me - if just as a friend right now. But I think you are correct. The only problem is that I don't really want to date. I don't like the idea of searching for someone else - simply because I would look for an exact copy of my ex...and she is unique, there are no exact copies of her. I can't find what I am looking for, and I don't like playing the dating games. I am too sincere that it works against me - I don't like playing mind games. I guess I should just look at it like this: try looking for people who interest me, or people who are fun, and hopefully my ex will come back after her party phase...but then again, people say not to wait around for your ex.

[Mrs D]

You may want to take a good hard look at what he/she's been partying on. I have taken back all of my ex's at one time or another and each time at least two of them came back with more and more burned out braincells. Think about it.

[caro33]

Or Cyprian, maybe you move on as best you can, but don't worry about dating. I know that when I was hurt and wanting my ex the last thing I could contemplate was dating or being intimate with other people. In fact, thinking about that just reinforced my fear and my sorrow. I wasn't ready to date for a year - take your time.

[kate111]

Cyprien.

 

Can you handle being her friend?

 

If you can't you need to be honest with yourself and do no contact. You need to increase her desire for you and to do that she needs to worry that she has lost you. If she doesn't care- then unfortunately there is not much you can do.

[kate111]

BY the way Caro, I seriously think you need your own "ask Caro" thread.