Update on the workaholic guy

[bighair]

Hi Friends -

 

I wrote about Amos, a man I met on Match, a couple of weeks ago. You'll remember I was complaining about how busy he is btw. his new start up biz and being a single parent. Last I wrote, he returned a phone call one evening and said he had to call me back b/c he had to make dinner...never called back that evening, or the next day, or the day after that.

 

He called me 9 days later. Amos apologized profusely for his rudeness. He explained that he had been work from 8 a to 10 p and had his kid for a week b/c the ex went out of town. He said that "i miss think he's very rude" and that he hadn't fogotten about me. I asked when his kid goes back to his ex and he explaind on sat morning (this was a thurs)...I asked when he'd have time to hang out and he said he'd call me again.

 

Well, i didn't hear from him that weekend. On Sun afternoon, I sent him an email asking if he wanted to get together on March 23 or 24 (this weekend), and that I was busy the following weekend. He called me that day and said march 23rd would work.

 

Well, I emailed him on WEd to confirm our plans. He didn't write back that day, Amos wrote on Thurs nite but I didn't get the msg. till Fri morning. He cancelled our plans because his baby sitter cancelled.

 

I'm so lame. I took that so personally. I cried. I didn't write back to his email.

 

Then, later that day, I wrote the following:

 

Hi Amos -

 

Too bad about tonight. To be honest, I'm not entirely surprised that you cancelled our plans since this has happened in the past. I hope you know that these cancellations create disruptions in my schedule as well.

 

It seems that you really don't have the time, btw. your job and being a single parent, to get to know me better or to see me/talk more often. I think that's unfortunate because we did have a nice time on those rare occasions we were able to see each other. So, why don't you get in touch w. me when your schedule is more manageable? And, if I"m available, great, and if not, c'est la vie as they say...."

 

I went on to write that I would have preferred to tell him this on the phone or in person but that that didn't seem possible. I wished him luck and signed off.

 

_______________________

So, I"m pretty disappointed but I feel ok about this email. I just got tired of him not calling, telling me how busy he is, making plans, breaking plans, and always apologizing for not calling, making plans and then breaking them.

 

I also got really really sick of the waiting game: when is he going to call? does he like me? doesn't he like me? all of that crap.

 

thoughts are appreciated.

[Alabama]

It sounds like an unfortunate situation. It seems that he likes you, but he's just to busy with his life to manage a love life; sorry about your bad luck.

[Honey Pumpkin]

Nice email - I hope that gives you closure on this guy. Sometimes we need that to be able to move on. I'm sorry it didn't work out with him.

[romantic sweetheart]

Hi bighair. It is a shame that this man disappointed you in the way that he did. But his actions demonstrate that he cannot be straightforward with you, and instead opted to avoid calling you and keeping dates with you Hurtful, yes, and the sign of a man who has "hid" behind busy-ness in order to back out of a situation he no longer has sufficient interest in.

 

It would have been better for him to be more direct with you, but a lot of times people hope that their silence will speak for them. Sometimes people feel that this is easier and less hurtful than an outright rejection. But more often than not, it leaves the person at the other end feeling confused, or feeling as if they did something wrong.

 

The least he could have done was let you know he could not keep the plans you had made, instead of leaving you waiting.

 

Fortunately, you now know what level he is at communication-wise, and it would serve your heart and soul better to have a man in your life who is truly your best friend, willing to be open with you, willing to honour you by spending lots of time with you, willing to appreciate and adore you for all of your unique qualities. Someone who finds that he simply has "no time" for you is someone who just can't be available for the relationship you require.

[annie24]

Hi Bighair - I think you did the right thing. I would have done the same thing if I were in your shoes (and I was sort of recently!) The e-mail was firm, but not closing the door forever, so that is a good balance. Yeah, it sounds like Amos just isn't in a place to give you what you need and deserve, so .... it sucks, but I think you just cleared out the space for someone more attentive to you.

 

good luck!

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Busy and rude are two separate things... it takes just 2 seconds to send a text or an email to keep in touch with you and let you know what is going on, and he chose instead to be rude and leave you hanging. so you did the right thing, because this guy isn't just busy, he showed a startling lack of respect for you by not even taking a few seconds to let you know what was going on when he broke plans or blew you off when he said he was going to call or do something then didn't.

 

one has to be especially careful with people met online too, because they can invent whole histories for themselves that are not true... maybe he isn't just busy with his kid, maybe he is married and covering this up.

 

i read somewhere recently that something like a third of all people online are married and lying about it because they want some spice on the side but only with people who won't know they are married or know where they live or people that they know, so they can get away with the cheating... they might hook up with you a few times, but fade away if you demand more or don't tolerate their disappearing acts...

 

so i'm really glad you didn't put up with this... he seems to be rude at best, and possibly married or committed elsewhere, and jerking you around to cover up that fact that he isn't so free to meet with you after all...

[bighair]

Hey Y'all,

 

Thanks for your great insights. Annie - i appreciate your thoughtful post.

 

Bestrong - Amos isn't married. I've been to his home. He has been divorced for 7 years and has an 11 year old. What I don't think he's in touch with is his "reality that he really doesn't have a lot of time for dating.

 

But, at this point, I don't think Amos is a liar who hides in cyberspace (and, i've met those guys). I would agree, however, that he has been rude and self-involved!

 

Sweetheart - The sad thing is that I believe this guy when he says he's overwhelmed by his life. He did in fact land a big contract and rented an office space in a matter of 2 weeks. And, I believe that his child was with him for over a week because the ex was out of town. His life is out of balance and he's struggling trying to pencil me in between appointments.

 

LIke I said before, I cannot accept the rudeness, the way he cancelled our date b/c of the child care prob...why not offer alternative dates?

 

Thanks again for your thoughts.

[Batya33]

I agree with the others that he was inconsiderate of your time and that this pattern of behavior was evident early on (of course I respect you wanting to give him chances). I was in a situation once where I went on date one, was "on the fence" about him but decided to see him one more time. I had to cancel the first date we planned the same day because of a work emergency and the second plan I believe I cancelled a day or two in advance, seeing that work was going to be a problem again. I made it clear I wanted to reschedule (but didn't aggressively pursue because I wasn't "that interested"). He never called again and his wedding announcement was published one year later.

 

If I had been strongly interested I still would have cancelled but would have been very direct about rescheduling for a specific date/time despite work/life being overwhelming.

 

I hope you don't take this personally - it's fine if he wasn't full speed ahead about the two of you (for whatever reason - not a match/priorities were on his child, a combination of the two, etc) and thereforeeee didn't choose to go all out to make time for you. It's so much better to know that earlier on. I do agree he should have been more considerate but given his past behavior, it was consistent and thereforeeee not as much of a shock to you that last time.