Roommate situation...help please !!

[cordelia]

I live with a roomie and have gotten along extremely well since she moved in 4 mos ago. We didn't know each other beforehand and we actually became friends and had a lot in common !

So she recently started dating this guy a few weeks ago and he seems to be over at our place a lot now. I'm feeling really annoyed by this !! I think its because my last roomie had her boyfriend over ALL the time to the point where he basically ended up moving in with us, and now they got their own place. It was a really bad experience that I had to deal with for two years !!

 

So now I'm thinking, I REFUSE to go through that all over again. This guy she is dating doesn't have his own place, so really they can only hang out here. I've already noticed his leaving the toilet seat up which I know is minor, but its still irritating ! I don't know if its just that I'm single now so maybe I'm feeling a bit envious, but I think its also that I'm "scarred" from my last experience with a roomie.

 

What I need to know is, how many times a week is it acceptable for a roomie to have her b/f over ? Right now she has him over about 4 times a week.

 

Any advice would be appreciated !

[romantic sweetheart]

I understand how irritating it can be to have a relatively unfamiliar man come over and carelessly leave toilet seats up and nonchalantly "make himself at home" so to speak. And considering you had an unfavorable experience with your last rommmate, of course you would be apprehensive about this current situation.

 

The best thing at this time would be to sit down and express your concerns with your roommate. Let her know that you are not opposed to her having guests over, but that you would like any guests/boyfriends to respect the place by leaving it as s/he found it. This includes having the courtesy to lower the toilet seat.

 

Also, you should feel free to discuss how you feel about the frequency of her boyfriend's visits. You might talk with her about the last situation you had, and how uncomfortable it was for you to have a third roommate, when that initially was not part of the living arrangements.

 

Her boyfriend should resepct the fact that he is a guest, not a potential roommate, and it would be reasonable to request that some of his time with your roommate should be spent at his place (even if he has other roommates--or is he completely without a place right now?)

 

Talking this over with your roommate can help you and her establish a clearer sense of the boundaries needing to be established. It is better to discuss, rather than to kep your needs inside and grow increasingly frustrated and resentful. Even writing a letter can help, if you find it easier to express your concerns that way initially. A conversation can follow the letter.

[cordelia]

I appreciate the advice, makes total sense. If it becomes a problem then I won't have any choice but to have a talk with her because like I said, I will not go through that same situation again.

 

Again though, how many times a week is acceptable for him to stay over. Right now its about 3-4 times a week. Is that a lot ? It sure feels like it !

[onewithbooks]

3-4 times a week I think is a lot. That is practically living there. 4 days is more than half a week. Look at it this way, say there are 30 days in a month and your rent is 600 a month. That means you pay 20.00 per day to stay in your apt. If he is there 4 nights a week and for 4 weeks that is 16 days. 16 X20.00 is 320. Even if you only pay 300 a month that is still 160 bucks! That is more than half your rent for a month.

 

I think 1-2 nights a week (IMHO) is much better and I know if it were me I wouldnt feel like I was paying for someone else's rent.

 

Leaving the toilet seat up for me would just be the icing on the cake.

[EvaGina]

just ask if he can pitch in money for food and power and things... I think 4 nights is pretty reasonable in the honeymoon stages, it jsut sucks that they cant divide the nights with his place as well.

[Hondadonkey]

I agree that u should tell her. My roomate eventually just moved out because my gf was over all the time. he never really expresesd his concerns to me. Now we cant really afford the place we're in. Just tell her that u understand that she really likes him and they want to spend alot of time together, but its really starting to get into ur comfort zone. Tell her that if u guys should find separate places she should tell u now so it doesnt turn into somethin ugly like ur last roomy. But be positive. But just get her to agree wtih u that he IS over alot, and if the situation were reversed, she would probably see how it would bug her too. But remmeber to tell her that its certainly not anything against the bf personally, u just had a bad xperience before.

 

Do they keep to themselves in the room or is he just like in ur face all the time?

[cordelia]

Well she has always spent most of her time in the basement, so that's where they hang out. And the upstairs is pretty much mine. I just find myself feeling annoyed the second I walk in the door and I see that he is there ! The other week he was over five days in a row !! He doesn't spend the night most of the time though.

But I really don't want to deal this BS all over again like I had to before. I think its really rude and selfish to put a roommate in that situation to begin with !

I need to find a way to tell her nicely that 4 days a week is too much and they need to make other arrangements !

[cordelia]

And I don't want to ask for $$ because I feel like that would be opening the door to him moving in, which is NOT HAPPENING !!

[onewithbooks]

I understand your feelings in not wanting to ask for money, however, if he is sucking down your electric, water, groceries, parking spot, or whatever then that is an inconveniece to you. I get the whole honeymoon phase, but maybe there is a nice way to let him know that absense makes the heart grow fonder?

[EvaGina]

ok

to be honest, 4 days a week, if he isnt staying the night often, and isnt in your space... really has nothing to do with you.

 

If he isnt using a huge amount of power, or eating your food or anything, then to me it just sounds like a case of the green-eyed monster.

[AwdreeHpburn]

why don't you just have an honest chat to her about your previous experience, let her know where you're at and why and ask her what SHE can come up with and what SHE feels is fair.

 

Putting it to her this way will make her feel part of the decision as well as give her the opportuntiy to give her side or apologise or whatever. You're roomates first, but you said you're friends as well.

 

Go to her as a friend, yeh?