Being the "dumper" is still very painful..

[mxfun]

I dumped my boyfriend and am practicing NC but it's still VERY hard to deal with. He is begging, pleading, crying, and promising what he has proven to be impossible.

 

All of these things are done through phone messages, e-mail, texting, etc. It is soooo hard to hear him sobbing. I think the reason it is so difficult is that I was once in his shoes when I was very young. I was the dumpee. I was only 17 which is like 20 years ago. I STILL remember the pain, the heartache, sobbing, stomach aches, vomiting, and depression I felt.

 

I absolutely know that I don't want to go back to him, but I care about how he is feeling. I want so badly to pick up the phone and tell him I will help him through this. I know this is impossible! It would only prolong his pain and give him false hope. He has no family; I have numerous family members who care.

 

The guilt is intense. He keep saying he'll do ANYTHING to get me back. I know there are many of you who understand. He lives in another State, but is so desperate that he says, (in an e-mail) that he is going to sell his home and move to my State so he can be closer...even if he can't have me. He keeps saying, "I WILL NOT GIVE UP!".

 

This is so sad. I do miss the good times we had together, but I will be fine without him. Does anyone here think that there's ANYTHING I can do to help? I know this seems an impossible question, but it does hurt.

 

Any and all comments are appreciated. Thanks to all of you!

[CluelessGuy321]

That sounds very sad.

 

I don't know really....I think you can really only do one of 2 things:

 

1.) Cut all communications. Talking to him in any way will only keep reminding him and fueling the fire. Disappearing from his life will let him slowly heal.

 

2.) You could always go the gay route and tell him that you're a lesbian and now are with the new love of your life, a tall butch lady you call Mother Shabuubuu, but I this would be a bit difficult to pull off if you guys were really close/intimate before.

[mxfun]

Thanks Clueless,

 

It's so nice to know that people care. I have cut all communications. I don't talk, respond to e-mails or texts.

 

As far as "Mother Shabuubuu" Yeah, I could never pull that one off...thanks for the laugh though! Man, that was funny. I love finding something humorous when things seem so sad.

[millaj]

I know how that feels.. your right, it is very painful. I keep trying to break up with my current signifigant other, but everytime I see the tears and the pain, I always try to work it out. It could be also that I realize that I would be loosing a good thing. I don't know, but I am going to have a 3 week break soon so I will have time to really think about it.

 

I think that if you know in your heart you don't want to be back with him, you should cut all ties with him for a while. My sister is going through the same exact thing as you right now, but she hasn't cut ties with him and it is confusing her.

[Wotgorilla]

Hi mx:

 

I know how hard it is, but try to take comfort in knowing you did the right thing. You knew you had to move on, and you said it yourself, you'll be fine without him.

 

You know the deal with why I got out of the relationship that led me to this site. I am a "dumper" as well, but in my situation, I was so abused and belittled that I had to in order to "liberate" myself. Yet it still took alot of strength, and courage, to know what's right and to stick to it and move on.

 

You need that strength right now. I say you stick to NC, take care of yourself, and listen to your gut. It has told you to move on, because bigger and better things are ahead, for both of us!

 

Hang in there.

 

Dan on LI.

[terk2021]

mx,

 

As someone who has been on both sides of this one, I can certainly feel for you, and probably more recently, him. Not responding to him is probably the best thing. It took me a long time to give up hope that I had any chance at winning my ex back, especially since she came back to me twice.

 

We men can be very strong people, but when we lose the woman we love, we can fall apart very quickly. It's nice to know that you care, but that really does not help him right now. Hopefully he at least has friends that are there for him.

 

Terk

[Mrs D]

I am a "dumper" as well, but in my situation, I was so abused and belittled that I had to in order to "liberate" myself. Yet it still took alot of strength, and courage, to know what's right and to stick to it and move on.

Dan on LI.

 

I am new to this forum, hello. I am also the "dumper" and have had to do this in order to liberate myself as well. I could not even go shopping with an 80 year old woman without being accused of cheating. I have been accused of cheating with men, women, children, bosses, store clerks, complete strangers, repair people, you name it, everyone was I threat. There was no convincing this man that I was 100% faithful. So I have had to resort to leaving someone I truly love and because as the accusations increased, so did the threats and I no longer felt safe. Would you feel safe when someone says they would "snap" if they caught you cheating and then made false accusations about you? Not to mention, I had to change my entire personality to accommodate his fears.

 

Anyhow, I quote you here, Dan, because you say it took strength and courage. Can you offer specifics? NC, yes, but this person calls and pleads and begs. I have given in many times. I am posting this to let you know that letting him back did not turn out GOOD...He was even more resentful for the pain and humiliation I caused him by breaking up with him and never let me forget it. He never believed I loved him. I could never pay enough attention to him. It was like having another child. IT WILL GO RIGHT BACK TO SQUARE ONE. YOU WILL FEEL STUCK. He will sense it.

 

Eventually the cycle and clinginess would begin and he would control who I spoke to and start to accuse me of cheating, drugs, mismanagement of money, being a bad wife, parent, lover, employee. You name it.

 

So let him cry his eyes out! Its survival. Him or you. But my question here is what does the dumper do to free themself of guilt and pain and feeings of inadequacy of yet another failed relationship with someone who really has hurt you one too many time?

[Lava Rocks]

You can't help him through it - this is a journey he needs to take by himself. The best help you can give him right now would be to cut him off. Be honest with him, tell him that it is too painful for YOU to be in contact with him right now and that you need time to heal. The bombardment of messages from him only cause you incredible guilt, and taking a partner back out of guilt never works. If he cares for you he will respect your wishes and stop contacting you for the time being. Let that be it, then if he calls or emails just delete the messages.

[mxfun]

Thanks again to all of you. Though it is one of the hardest things to do, I will continue NC.

[Mrs D]

Change your answering machine recording to a tune that will send him message to think on that will make him not want to call again. I found U and Ur Hand by Pink to be effective for a few days.

[Wotgorilla]

Mrs D:

 

Clearly in your case it's something I call "it's not my problem" From what you describe, you deserve so much better than this guy! Someone who can't trust you, and makes you feel guilty every time you blink is not something you should feel guilty over! You did the best you could, clearly, you tried your best to make this person happy and trust you. I know, BELIEVE me, I know what it's like to be with someone who, no matter what you do, it will never be good enough. You just have to realize that whatever you do will never be good enough, that's it's their problem, not yours, and you need to let it go and move on. You need to take care of you!

 

For me, it was a series of events (see my "why I left her: a play by play account thread for details if you like), culminating in my ex actually getting angry at me for a death in the family, to lead me to say "NO MORE!" All I can say is, you have to know, in your heart, that you did your best, but deserve better. That you're a good person, that you were the best partner you could be to someone who wasn't worthy of your goodness.

 

To me, relationships need three things: Trust, Respest, and Honesty. Without one of these three, the relationship is not healthy.

 

Just stick to NC, ignore his calls, change your numbers if you have to, block his e-mail, IM, everything! You deserve someone who will treat you so much better, and it will happen, good things are around the corner!

 

Dan on Long Island.

[mca1975]

yeh or "i will survive!"