Financial situations and Love

[This Little Lady]

I need someone's opinion on this. I want to take my boyfriend on a trip to Italy. I thought it would be a romantic and awesome getaway. The thing is he is strapped for cash and is really upset that he owes me a lot cause his job doesn't pay him enough.

 

I don't care about the money. I want to book it as a surprise but I'm afraid he will be really pissed off if I do. What should I do?

[CluelessGuy321]

I need someone's opinion on this. I want to take my boyfriend on a trip to Italy. I thought it would be a romantic and awesome getaway. The thing is he is strapped for cash and is really upset that he owes me a lot cause his job doesn't pay him enough.

 

I don't care about the money. I want to book it as a surprise but I'm afraid he will be really pissed off if I do. What should I do?

 

 

Yow. I don't know your boyfriend enough to make that call. He could be ok with it, but sounds like you might hurt his man-pride. Might need to talk with him?

[annie24]

so, this is interesting.... why do you think that he might be pissed? do you think that is is because he might resent that you are "paying his way" places. I think a lot of guys might feel.... "emasculated" if you are paying for his trip to italy when he is having so many financial problems to begin with...... so I'm not sure that I would spring the trip on him, maybe ask him first. can he afford to take time off of work?

[This Little Lady]

I'm not sure if its because he feels I've wounded his man-pride. I think its just that he feels really bad for owing me so much money. I saw a post on here where a man and his wife are separating because she got pissed at him for borrowing so much and I don't want that to happen to us.

 

I wanted to take him because it would be so worth! I was thinking about helping out with his job situation by getting him a job with me. That way he could make some more money (the current situation is he is in a band and they have a lot of gigs). I do feel like I'm cutting down his pride and I don't want to do that.

 

I'd like to treat him but he won't let me.

[annie24]

well..... yeah, back to "man pride." I wouldn't recommend finding him a job unless he specifically ASKS you to help him. If he won't let you pay for dinner, why would he let you pay for a trip to italy? I think he would feel better about himself if he earned the money to pay you back and take YOU on a trip to italy.

[romantic sweetheart]

In life, go with your heart. If you can afford this trip and do not feel troubled that you will finance it, then do it! Your boyfriend, even if momentarily preturbed, will soon set aside that feeling when he realises he will be taking a lovely, happy trip with the woman he loves.

 

Money is simply paper with an agreed-upon value. It just represents the time we put into a task. It's not bad to have it, but it becomes a problem when we place too much value on it, value that transcends the human value of loving and caring for others.

 

Your trip is not about money or who owes whom, it is about a true desire to experience a grand vacation with your boyfriend. Life is precious, and life is fragile. Do not be afraid to live it to the fullest. Trust, enjoy, and go ahead with your surprise. It is out of love.

[annie24]

from her perspective... yes, I think a trip sounds great.... but from his perspective, I think he can feel like he is not contributing as much to the relationship as she is. He can feel guilty and feel like she is like his 'mother', looking for a job for him, paying for his trips, lending him money..... and that may not inspire him to feel "romantic feelings."

 

Haven't you ever paid off a debt and felt REALLY GOOD and PROUD about yourself afterwards, like you really accomplished something good? I think if she pays for a trip to italy at this point, he might feel like, "Ok, now not only do I owe her the $$$$, but I also owe her a vacation to france!"

 

I'd be interested to hear what more guys think....

[arwen]

I agree with Annie. When me and my bf got together I was without any income and living of savings for a while. He paid my ticket so I could visit him in Sweden were he did research for a while. But for the holidays we really chose a cheap flight to a cheap country... because I'd feel terrible to spend money that is not mine and so on. We have more or less the same income now, so it's easier now.

 

Arwen

[Suesser Tod]

I've been unemployed for the last two months. While I'm doing fine with my savings, I have to be carefull with my expenses, as I don't know how much I'll have to stretch the savings.

 

I can tell you that I do feel sort of offended/hurt when my girlfriend asks me to go to the movies and she offers to pay for it :S I do think that, in the highly likely situation that she ends up making more money than me, I would feel bad about it, but I would feel awfull if she somehow constantly shoves it on my face, like paying for my expenses.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I definitely wouldn't spring this on him... the other problem might be that he could feel obligated to keep the living the lifestyle you can afford, while he can't really...

 

will you be happy with him is he never makes more money, or can't afford to keep doing things like this? i think if that is the case, maybe you can talk to him about planning such a trip in the future, when he has had time to get on his feet financially, or when he has paid you back a bit and feels on more equal standing.

[renaissancewoman101]

I don't understand why the guy would feel bad about it. It isn't as though the girlfriend is lording it in front of the guy that she is paying for things and helping him out. In a relationship, there is always going to be someone who makes more than the other person. In this relationship the girl makes more than the guy and she cares about him and realizes that he is frustrated about his debt and his job and she wants to help him out because she CARES about him. That's not a bad thing.

 

Her thread resonates with me because my ex was like her bf, he didnt make a lot of money, had a lot of debt and couldnt afford to do anything. I wanted to make his life happier and stuff so I took him on trips and paid for a lot of things for him.

 

I know he didnt like that, but he never really told me why (but then watching his pattern of choosing really young women to date, women who didn't go to college, and were barely out of high school, made me realize that he wanted to support them instead of being supported himself).

 

I dunno.

[annie24]

he wanted to support them instead of being supported himself).

 

i think there is your answer right there. And he never did pay you back the money, did he?

[renaissancewoman101]

Of all the money he owed me which was about $2000, that he borrowed from me, he only paid back $200. I've moved on from that and feel it is NOT worth the time and effort to go after it.

 

BTW, I just wonder if the OP likes to support the bf, because it gives her a sense of "control" over him and a feeling of she is better than him.

 

Just a thought.

[musicguy]

Man, I would love to go to Italy Anyway, financial issues have alway been an issue with couples. I think that this trip would be a good thing for both of you and it would be fun too. If you want it to be a surprise and you two go there, he'll be like "you didn't have to do this" and he might feel bad that you had to pay for everything or you can talk to him about it and like another poster stated, wait until he's finacially on his feet, then go

[renaissancewoman101]

I think doing it as a surprise would be wonderfully romantic and sweet.

[This Little Lady]

I agree with the not wanting to mothering him. I don't nag him about getting a job. But I know he wants to get one. He says he hates depending on me for money and he wants to be able to treat me to things as well. So that makes alot of sense.

 

I want to help him but its kind fo hard to know how to. He's been looking for a job but hasn't found one that suits the amount of time he needs for his gigs. Its kind of taking a toll on him.

 

I agree planning for the trip would be probably the best plan. I just don't know how to help him find a job without pushing one on him. I've thought about having a friend who owns his own company offer him a job. I'm not sure if that would be too suspicious or not.

[This Little Lady]

Its not because I have a sense of control over him. At the beginning of our relationship I didn't have a job and very much money. He paid for mostly everything in the beginning. I know he'd do the same for me and has. So thats why I don't mind.

[musicguy]

well, then you should be fine then...Viva Italia

[This Little Lady]

Haha, doesn't solve the trying to help him find a job without forcing one on him. Anyone have any ideas?

[FortunateOne]

Can I ask both your ages? My response depends on it.

[This Little Lady]

I'm 20 he's 21

[This Little Lady]

I'm kind of curious what does age have to do with your response Mr. Money God?

[FortunateOne]

Thanks for your age. Well, I see this as a indentity issue for the both of you. You're at an age where you've yet to form a firm belief structure that will lay the course for the rest of your life.

 

Lets start with your boyfriend; he is a young man finding his way in the world. From his current career choice he is an artist and money may not be materialistically important to him, but money is phylisophically important since it represents the negative results that most artist see in the world. So his acceptance of the trip to Italy will betray his world view on his developing identity.

 

For the majority of men their indentity is centered around millions of years of programing to become the provider of the family. This is where we feel we're on top of the game, but when that is taken away we question our manhood. This is why you need to have a "deep" phylosophical open line of communication with him.

 

No as for you; for you to have the monetary means at such a young age to enbark on a trip to Italy for two you either hit the job lottery, are a great saver and have no home front expenses or come from a well to do family. Either way it doesn't matter to me, but it matters to your boyfriend. You need to ask yourself why you must feel that you're his Knight in shinning armour? Do you need a sense of validation by monetarly helping out? Why aren't you content with just spending time with him?

 

Most men, no, all men change according to their own time frame. By spending money on him with the excuse that it's love, then you are trying to buy his love or change his idea of what money means. Trust me, you cannot buy love, I've tryed and failed. You "MUST" figure out the truth to this issue.

 

There's a great movie, "Swimming with Sharks", in which the character "Buddy" played by Kevin Spacey says;

 

"Look, I can appreciate this. I was young too, I felt just like you. Hated authority, hated all my bosses, thought they were full of sh*t. Look, it's like they say, if you're not a rebel by the age of 20, you got no heart, but if you haven't turned establishment by 30, you've got no brains. Because there are no story-book romances, no fairy-tale endings. So before you run out and change the world, ask yourself, "What do you really want?"

 

At your age you really need figure out what you want right now. In my opinion you are too young to get so deeply involved with any man and you need futher development of you own future identity. thereforeeee, go to Italy with a girlfriend or yourself and have fun. Do this for you and not for any one else. You are the only person you need validation or approval from.

[scarew]

Great post Mr. Money.

 

First, I don't see anything wrong with you taking him to Italy. Explain that you want to go, and it just wouldn't be any fun by yourself, and that you would really like him to come, for you. I would suggest going somewhere or getting a travel package thats all inclusive so that he doesnt have to feel bad every time you pick up the dinner bill.

 

Second, about this job thing. Just be careful. Men can have really good intentions, but if you start doing too much for him now, he might get used to it. I would say to let him find his own way into a job that suits him. If you start spoonfeeding him by just getting the job for him, that sort of thing becomes expected. This happens to really good hearted people! It is just a habit thing. They say, don't start ironing his shirts now unless you want to do it for the next 50 years. See where I am coming from? I hope you have fun in Italy!

[This Little Lady]

Thank you guys for your advice!

 

Well the reason I wanted to take him on a trip is because he is going on tour. I wanted it to be a little bit of a getaway for us. I think a really small trip would be wonderful and a better idea.

 

Mr. Money God, I can see you point. I am an artist (both painter and musician) myself. I know the outlook most people who are artists have on the world, especially when it comes to money. I'm not trying to buy love. I enjoy spending time with him, even if we aren't doing anything. I seriously do believe that the best things in life are free. I just kind of thought it would be cool to plan a little trip before he's off on tour that's all.

 

Part of my concern for his financial situation actually comes from his parents telling him to get a better job. I really love the fact that he is a musician, its what I adore about him! I think its incredible that he is taking his passion to a whole new level. They don't really see him going any place with it and I suppose I was starting to think if he got a different job maybe they would cut him some slack. He's really talented, amazing, and so passionate about what he does. However their support seems to be clouded by the demand for money.