MountainDrew Posted March 25, 2007 Share Posted March 25, 2007 A little background first: My girlfriend and I have been together for over 3.5 years, with a couple month breakup recently. I am a sophomore in college and she is a freshman, and we are about 5 hours away from each other when we are at college. Here's the deal. One of the things that I have been so attracted to about my girlfriend is that she always shared the same views with me on drinking. Basically that we don't want to. And as of right now we haven't. The problem is that I hate drinking with such a passion that it can get scary, and she just didn't really like the idea of it. Well she's in her first year of college and I think it is changing her because lately she has brought up trying it together and we have been discussing it. Now, I love this girl more than anything in the entire world and I don't want to jeopardize that at all. So I have said a few times that I will drink with her. She describes it as her just being a little curious about it. But I am sensing that it has much more to do with peer pressure than anything else. Many of her friends drink once in awhile and being social is very important to her, so I think that she feels left out and not "cool" when she turns them down or hangs out sober with them while they drink. The only way I can explain my feelings right now is that I feel like I'm sort of losing a part of this girl that was so important to me. She was always this super innocent girl who was so perfect in my mind, but now she just wants to be like every other college student. We had something unique. So here is the actual problem. Like I mentioned before, we have been talking about trying this out. I have said yes a few times, but then changed my mind a few days later after thinking about it. Well she is coming down next weekend to visit me at school and we are once again discussing this. I'm confused because I want to make her happy and have her experience what she wants to, I'm just afraid that I won't feel the same way about her. What really scares me is that I have told her that her drinking might change the way I look at her, but she just says "Yeah, I know." and still wants to try it. I am aware that I am most likely blowing things up when it comes to drinking in general and why I dislike it so much, but I just can't get this off of my mind. I just want things to be like they have always been with us. I want my idea of the perfect girl back..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Honey Pumpkin Posted March 25, 2007 Share Posted March 25, 2007 Can I ask why you're so anti-drinking? It's something that is really common to me - I'm from the UK - and drinking wine with a meal or going out for a drink with friends hardly makes you less innocent or changes your personality. Have you had some experience with people with a drinking problem who are close to you? It's just that your girlfriend doesn't seem to be wanting to do anything unusual, it's kind of a rite of passage. Is it anxiety about moving forwards into the future, and seeing life change? Just wondering what's really at the heart of this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MountainDrew Posted March 25, 2007 Author Share Posted March 25, 2007 Honestly it's something that is very hard for me to put a finger on. I have had no experiences whatsoever with family abusing alcohol or anything like that. It's mostly that fact that drunk people annoy me and I just can't bear the thought of her becoming like that. Having lived in the dorms for almost 2 years, I have just seen too many bad things. I suppose it's also the fact that something bad could happen, i.e. her cheating on me, or something like that. It's not that I don't trust her...it's just that I only trust her sober. We have always had a great time together and I just don't see any point in needing to drink now to have fun. It's so pointless to me.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rose2summer Posted March 25, 2007 Share Posted March 25, 2007 I personally do not like drinking as well. I tried it in college and was very turned off by it. I want full control of my body and anyways alcohol is a depressant, so why would I want to effect my body in that way? I can definitely relate to you there. However, I must look at the other side, and she maybe just needs to experiment since she is young. You cannot determine whether you like or don't like something until you give it a try. Maybe just give her the space to try it, and then she will realize how much she doesn't want it. I lost loved ones from alcohol abuse and it terrifies me, so maybe that's why I deviate, but alcohol can be a social "event" Hugs, Rose Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brando Posted March 25, 2007 Share Posted March 25, 2007 MD, People change. Ideals especially. Unfortunately you will not be able t ostop her from drinking. Even if it is social drinking, and not binge drinking. You are both so young to hold one another to your beliefs you both shared when younger. It is ok. You can have your convictions against drinking, and she can learn to chnage hers. You are both growing, this is what happens . The less of a big deal you make of it, the easier these changes between you two will become. Who knows she may want to experiment and end up not liking it as before. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Honey Pumpkin Posted March 25, 2007 Share Posted March 25, 2007 I suppose it's also the fact that something bad could happen, i.e. her cheating on me, or something like that. It's not that I don't trust her...it's just that I only trust her sober. I think you sound a little bit controlling to me - I can see that your anxiety is driving you, but: your g/f can make her own choices, and you sound a little bit more like a parent than a boyfriend. Maybe it's a cultural thing, but drinking socially is not a big deal here. And someone who wanted to stop someone else from doing it (and without any particular family history to understand), I don't know, it seems a little bit too controlling to me. You also sound anxious about your g/f, that she may cheat on you when drunk. Where does that anxiety come from? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rose2summer Posted March 25, 2007 Share Posted March 25, 2007 And the more you encourage her not to, the more likely she is to pursue it more. As humans, we like to do as we please, and we don't like to be influenced. So really all you can do is let her experiment with the hopes that she will decide "it's not for her." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RandomAdvisor Posted March 25, 2007 Share Posted March 25, 2007 The less of a big deal you make of it, the easier these changes between you two will become. I couldn't agree with this more. You are both at an age where you are changing and growing. Trying to prevent her from experimenting with new things or making her feel guilty for it when she does is only going to make her start to resent you for it, and your relationship wont last very long after that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daligal83 Posted March 25, 2007 Share Posted March 25, 2007 I agree with the others that people grow and change and change their views on certain issues. I think something that you're overlooking here is that she is telling you that she wants to experience with you. She's not out doing it with her friend for the first time. I think this is a huge sign that you can trust her and that you should. Drinking doesn't mean you'll cheat. I'm in a LDR and my boyfriend and I definitely go out and drink, but neither one of us are afraid whatsoever of us doing anything inappropriate. You don't get to choose which situations you trust her in. You either do or you don't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brooke657 Posted March 25, 2007 Share Posted March 25, 2007 It's not like your considering doing cocaine together or something it's drinking. She's a freshman in college, what exactly were you expecting? When you drink you don't have to get wasted. I'm honestly surprised she talked to you about it in the first place. If I really wanted to go get drunk I'd just go to a frat party, not ask my boyfriend to try it with me. You guys are in college it's totally normal to try differnt things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeStrongBeHappy Posted March 25, 2007 Share Posted March 25, 2007 First, i think your 'perfect girl' will disappoint you many times in life, as you will disappoint her by not being the perfect guy either... it's not a good thing to put someone on a pedestal and 'require' them to behave a certain way so that you can maintain a perfect ideal of who she is in your mind... nobody's perfect, and people change and grow over time, and she is a separate person with a mind of her own, and will make decisions and choices based on who SHE is and what SHE wants to do, not what you want her to do... if who she is/wants to be/becomes is really different from the way you want to live your life, then you can make the decision to break up with the person and find someone more compatible with your own beliefs. but if even the *thought* of her doing something you might not like her to do upsets you and makes you think she is not 'perfect', then you are probably holding her to a very high and unreasonable standard in order for her to be your 'special princess'. People have feet of clay, and expecting her every thought and belief to conform to yours is just not realistic. veryone sooner or later discovers we are all human and have our own wants and needs... so i think you might want to try to idealize her less, and see her a human girl who will do what she wants and will not always make choices that please you. but if what she is doing is so alien to you that you can't give her a little space to be herself, then consider breaking up with her and maybe looking for very conservative girls in situations where drinking is prohibited by religious beliefs etc. most people will try drinking a little at some point in their lives, but most don't turn it into a big habit or problem, so i suggest you cut her a little slack... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ghost69 Posted March 25, 2007 Share Posted March 25, 2007 people change. if you can't handle it, you should move on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MountainDrew Posted March 26, 2007 Author Share Posted March 26, 2007 Thank you for your input everyone. I've realized that I am holding her a little too high. I guess I didn't really think that much about the fact that she wants to do it with me, and not just friends. Thanks for pointing that out to me! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iceman85 Posted March 26, 2007 Share Posted March 26, 2007 Hey Mountain drew, I had the same situation as you man. Steadfast against drinking because I saw how it wrecked some of my friends. Well my gf was that way too. Then she wanted to get into it, I was surprised and upset cause she had never been that way. So she said we should try it together. I said alright but we never did really. I just always said I didnt feel like it. She didnt do it for awhile then she became wild and is where she is now, my ex girlfriend and a heavy drinker. If your girlfriend wants to drink, just let her try it out, as scary as it may be. If theres one thing you learn its that any time that a girl feels controlled by you, your in serious danger. I hope your situation works out better than mine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheFoglifter Posted March 26, 2007 Share Posted March 26, 2007 What does your gf mean by "drinking". Are you saying neither of you have ever tasted alcohol in any form? Does she want you to go for cocktails? Does she want to go to a wine tasting? Does she want to share a few mixed drinks with you in a club or restaurant? Or is she asking you to get rip roaring head over the toilet drunk? You are 5 hours away from her, while her friends are 5 feet away. If at any time she feels you are trying to control her from afar, it'll be over. I think you need to define what it is you don't like about drinking. I, like you, HATED the idea of binge drinking. Why would I want to drink so much that I got a fat beer gut, and was throwing up? I always believed I possess something called "taste" -- something most Americans don't acquire until age 23. I'm not opposed to drinking at all, just to reckless binge drinking. However: I didn't have enough fingers and toes to count how many doors that must have closed for me socially. Its not that people pressured me to DO it -- they were fine when I said I didn't want to. It was THE ATTITUDE that closed the doors. Remember, most freshmen in college are away from their parents for the first time and have been anticipating the freedom for ages. College is the time to experiment because later on in life that short short window is closed. As such: NOBODY (except other "narcs") wanted to even be NEAR someone they thought would rain on their parade. Once you get branded as such, it is almost impossible to reverse. People just don't want to associate with you. Its much easier, smarter, and better for you to be dignified about how you handle this. Do not publicly voice irritation or contempt for binge drinkers. Be very diplomatic or you will lose your gf. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ghost69 Posted March 26, 2007 Share Posted March 26, 2007 just get wasted with her, get it on, and leave. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
laboheme Posted March 27, 2007 Share Posted March 27, 2007 I'm also not into drinking, and have been thinking about issues like this quite a bit. The way I see it is, your girlfriend starting to drink is sort of a "test." If she does it responsibly, her new social habit should not change your relationship, because the effect of her drinking will not be very noticeable (she'll just be a little happier for a couple of hours after a drink or two). But if she's the kind of person who can't control her urge to drink and starts going down that slippery slope...well, that will speak volumes about her personality and basically signal that she's not the right girl for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
promise18 Posted March 27, 2007 Share Posted March 27, 2007 Drew, my suggestion: let her do what she wants, and if your perspective of her really does change (or if she changes...) then let her go. However, if drinking clashes with your personal morale and standards for yourself and those close to you, then don't let yourself be violated. Cliche as it may sound, there are other women out there who share and, more importantly, respect your standards. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MountainDrew Posted March 27, 2007 Author Share Posted March 27, 2007 Thanks again all. To answer some of your questions, no we aren't planning on getting wasted or anything. Just a few drinks to see what it's like. Last night we were talking about it and she said she thinks she won't even like it. But she just needs to see. Sounds like I was blowing this up. I mean, I still would rather not, but oh well. Thanks again everyone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VeganBohemian Posted March 27, 2007 Share Posted March 27, 2007 It's not that I don't trust her...it's just that I only trust her sober. So, you don't trust her. I love my boyfriend and I would never cheat on him while drunk or sober. Not that I am drunk often, but my love for him still exists while I am in a less-than-sober state of mind. Also, I would advise seperating your girlfriend drinking from the typical college scene. I would not like it if my boyfriend generalized my being like that...equating my personal self with what "everyone else does". I would like to think he esteems me as being capable of making good decisions. It is okay to be anti-drinking, but you have no real reason for denying her the freedom to drink. I would not be happy if my SO drank often or had to get drunk every weekend or something, but the occaisional drink is really something that I would *not* like my boyfriend telling me that I could or could not do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ghost69 Posted March 27, 2007 Share Posted March 27, 2007 trust has nothing to do with being sober or drunk. if you don't trust her drunk, you don't trust her at all. i usually get drunk and end up calling my gf and talking to her. i don't go hit on other women to hook up or make out or anything else. my mind doesn't let me do that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VeganBohemian Posted March 27, 2007 Share Posted March 27, 2007 ^^^same here! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VeganBohemian Posted March 27, 2007 Share Posted March 27, 2007 ^^^same here! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ghost69 Posted March 27, 2007 Share Posted March 27, 2007 if you are worried in any trust situation, you should move on. you should never have to be worried. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MountainDrew Posted March 28, 2007 Author Share Posted March 28, 2007 OK, so I have no basis to not trust her specifically. I've just seen, on a few occasions, people around me in my dorm who have great relationships do something stupid. As in relationship ending. The way I look at it, why do anything that even gives you a 1 in a billion chance of ruining things...? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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