How?

[heyadrian]

I'm sure a few of you saw my earlier posts. Well, thats me... the general loser.

 

In short I had to go, clean myself up in hope of getting a real life and getting back wit her.

 

I'm not sure I can do this. Stopping drinking and smoking is the easy part. The hard part was this morning. I woke up and put my arm out to reach accross her, but shes not there. I forgot that she wasn't there...

 

I cried for 2 hours non stop. I dont have any energy now. Im shaking coz i feel that weak.

 

Will space work? SHe asked for space for a while to get me sorted out. I'm keeping my end of the bargain. I'm stopping drinking and smoking. Its day 6 now. DTs from ciggys are killing me, the emptyness of her not being there is killing me. I know im supposed to do this for myself, but its hard. I would go nuts the next time i even saw a pint of beer or whatever else...

 

how do i let her know how I feel, what im going through, the sacrifices? I dont want to call her and tell her, i wont email her or anything. i cant she wants space. but how do i let her know that finally, after so much time im changing.it will take a while before i repaired mysellf, but iv learnt my lesson.

 

how do i get over this. how to i push out these sad feelings? how do i stop caring?

 

i miss taking my daughter to school. omg i was soooo proud walking her to school every day, i miss making her a cuppa tea in the mornings, i miss telling her that i love her while she was asleep, i miss it all...

 

does space really work? at the moment she hates me, i don't blame her, but that hate is killing me. will space work? will this fix things?

 

sorry, had to get a load off my mind I've been awake for 2 days now, no sleeep and its getting to me.

 

x adrian

[yoyo123]

so your hiding here now lol.

 

buddy u sound like your about to have a breakdown. remember she told you that she will more than likely have you back if you sort yourself out.

 

TIME TIME TIME TIME TIME TIME TIME TIME. that is all you need. she needs it bigtime. from the way you were drinking and drunk she needs time. give it to her and let her heal.

 

you had more of a chance than me. i blew ALL my chances but you have one... use it and use it wisely. its not often that god gives you something like that.

 

grab it!

 

yoyo

[yoyo123]

hey buddy. i was just talking to my wife,jenny,about this.

 

if shes been through something like this before that is why she is feeling how she is.then she will need space.but does she know how you feel?does she know that you hate yourself?does she know that you are cleaning up? does she know anything or did you beg her like every lover does when they break up?

 

it is important for you and her that you stay strong.she needs a strong man and you going on your knees and begging and whatefver will only show weakness.

 

try calling her,dont cry,dont beg and tell her straight that you love her.tell her tha tyou are sorry,tell her that you are sorting yourself out and thats it.she doesnt need to know how you are doing it all she needs to know uis that you ARE doing it.

 

as I said.TAKE THAT CHANCE YOU WERE GIVEN.i couldnt think of any better present than that chance she gave you and if you go back to your old ways theres no saving you.then you prove tha tyou dont respect yourself,her or your kids.

 

c'mon YOU CAN DO IT!

 

yoyo

[heyadrian]

I can't call her she asked for space and she will get it. How do I prove to her tho that I am actually doing something about this? I cant tell her on the phone because she'll think it was another empty promise.

 

i bet for the last week shes blanked me out and has forgotten about me? I dont know, I wouldnt blame her if she did. I just want her to see that I will literally do anything to make things work. Heck I wouldnt be in a weird coujntry with weird people all alone and suffering thanks to DTs if I didnt care.

 

All I want for her is the best. I hoped that shed stay in touch and let me know that things are fine and that my daughter is fine. I havent heard a bean

 

how does she see that I'm finally cleaning up? she isnt talking to me, I cant email her as my email isnt working, and i really cant phone coz it'd make her angry.

how else?

 

Cheers

 

Adrian

[yoyo123]

as i said before give it time.... time is important.it might feel like she hates you and doesnt care and after what you did i can see why she blanks you out.

 

she still loves you but hates who you turned into. turn back dont be that person again and be who she loves...idont think u should call her then but stay in touch somehow let her know all is well...

 

stay in touch with me too

 

yoyo

[kiama]

this is the thing. why does something extreme have to happen for someone to realise they need to 'change'. thats just the way it goes. why didnt we change when we had them... ill tell you, because you didnt really have to, they were yours anyway. so you say your going to change and you dont really.

 

when you end up breaking up, you need to now, work on fixing yourself, and prove you have changed. this is where i get confused. so ive 'changed' or am fixing myself, whatever... but the ex needs to see this, and realise it for himself.

 

so maybe in cases where one needs to change/or is... or has, no contact is not the best thing. maybe little contact. maybe bumping into them, and having fun... so when they do see you, theyre impressed, and think 'mmmmh maybe she/he has changed'.

 

but this of course isnt guaranteed, they may, or may not. whatever. would she be shocked if you were out, she was there, and you ordered non-alcoholic beverages, and were laughing and having fun, and not smoking etc... im sure she would.

 

time time time... and you need to move on. its the only way forward.

 

chin up.

 

stick to your word, give her space and take it one day at a time.....

 

and stick to your changes..... theyre only good for you!

[SuperDave71]

REMEMBER NOT TO LOSE FOCUS OF YOUR GOAL...If you want to get better..that should be your goal....BUT ONLY if it is YOUR goal...

 

 

You can do this...face your fears!!!

 

 

Stop hiding and making excuses ..your wasting time....

 

 

Find who you are on the inside...and it will show on the out!

 

 

YOU CAN DO IT!!!

 

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[heyadrian]

this is killing me.... after planning having a child she finally is pregnant... I am sooo proud, I wanted her to have a child that was planned and had a dad there forever.

 

Now that we are broken up she wants it aborted.... Never mind the breakup but the pain of her doing that has killed me.... I feel sooo empty.... I'm going through hell trying to sort myself out and get back on the right track and she drove the dagger in me that she wants my child killed....

 

I promised her that I would sort myself out and I am... and I will do, it takes time..... why wont God grant me this?

[heyadrian]

dave

 

my goel IS to sort myself out but its 100 times ahrder with all this emotional stress.... i care, i will always care.... this is one of the many reasons why im cleaning myself up.

 

she isnt the main reason, she was just the wakeup call that i have to clean myself up. but she keeps rubbing it in that I was a wally and botched things.....

[thelonelydoll]

A -

 

I have read all your posts with special interest, as my ex has alcohol and Scotland in common. I think it's amazing that you've quit drink, maybe smoking at the same time was too much to ask of yourself, given the current emotional strain, but you only have control of you. New sobriety is so tenuous, and if you're doing it on your own, cold turkey, it's very difficult, to say the least.

 

She might feel like I did: I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with a drunk, but the ex couldn't stay sober more than 14 days, and he was emotionally abusive even when sober a lot of the time. You are trying to sort yourself out, but in the meantime, do you honestly think it's a good idea to have a child together at this stage? In my humble opinion, you probably need a solid year sober before even considering a reconciliation, and in the meantime, you can't expect her to bring a child into this kind of misery.

 

Maybe you can see this as further motivation to clean up? You're still young, you don't want to go through this again and again. You might even see things differently with just 30 days sober under your belt, so keep going in the right direction. Right now, everything is still so raw because the break-up and the sobriety are still so new, am I correct? Have you been sober for even two weeks? I don't intend to sound like a hard- * * * *, in fact the contrary - you need to give yourself the time, day by day, to heal from the ravages of drink. Don't torture yourself with all the "shoulda, woulda, coulda" stuff. You'll figure things out with time and more sobriety.

 

I'm rooting for you, mate.

[heyadrian]

i cant say that I've quit drink. its aparently a lifelong achievement so I can only say I did that when I'm on my deathbed. its all fun and games, and there are times where i'd kil for a drink. sometimes i just wanna numb myself and make it all go away... I'd love to. but after what I did and turned into its only fair that I clean up...

 

I know she doesnt wanna spend her life with a drunk. SHe called me this afternoon and we had a small chat. We actualy got on. That prolly coz I was sober (more than likely).From the sounds of things I still ahve that golden chance to clean myself up, be my own man and prove that I am strong enough.

 

We planned to have a child and if she really is pregnant then I jsut have to deal with it. I doubt she'd keep iut because she has alot on her plate, but I'd be more than glad to be a single dad and do this.

 

THe only motivaation I need to clean up is me. I cant use her coz ultimately if she ever leaves I've lost that motivation. i have to do this alone... it'll be hard, but i have to.

 

about being sober, at the moment it feels fine and doesnt seem like a problem but my sponsor warned me about the pink cloud effect. where i think that things are fine and wher ei feel its safe to have a drink. point is, its never safe. never again. my story to people from now till i die has to be 'I'm alergic to alchohol' and thats all they need to know...

 

anyway.... i just hope to God that this golden chance is genuine and that I do actually get to shine. I've always wanted to be a hero and to have a debut.... I hope this happens. I need this... but anyway... thats my speel over lol....

 

x

 

adrian

[thelonelydoll]

Hang in there, and really focus on the one day at a time aspect, it's the only way. I'm so pleased to here you have a sponsor, too. My ex pretty much refused to go to AA, and my main "selling point" was that he couldn't quit alone, he needed support and a sponsor. When the time comes and you find yourself with mates down the pub, you'll likely be amazed at the kudos you get for not drinking alcohol when everyone else is. Your sponsor is wise to mention the pink cloud effect so early on in your sobriety.

 

I'm pulling for you, I really am. Maybe I don't want to think of you, a total stranger, going down the road my ex did. Stay strong, and stay sober today.

 

*hug* from the USA

[heyadrian]

well I'll reply here too hope ya got ya message

 

I know, one day at a time... if I even tried anything more than that my head would explode! eek! Even I hate AA. I'm only 27, and I think that the next youngest member is erm... 60 or something lol. It feels odd me being there at this age, it really feels like everyone i watching me. ack!

 

my sponsor is great tho, I go round to his most evenings and play chess with him. Thats a part of me that I forgot about. Chess lol I used to play it sooo much when I was a kiddo.

 

I dont think that I'll have any more pub nights with mates. I've gotta avoid the pub and anywhere where ther eis drink like the plague. I've gone erm, 7 days now and well, I cant go back. Theres too much at stake here...

 

He kinda mentioned more than the pink cloud effect. He said, and in a brutal manner that if I drink, I will die. I tried to question that and he said 'dead' and walked off. I cried for about an hour just thinking about what he said. That was the one time he didnt come to my rescue. He let me sus that one out alone. *eek* that wasnt fun...

 

After that phone call that my ex gave me earlier today, it gave me a new lease of life. I can hear she wants me to sort myself out, but till then shes not interested. I dont blame her really, and it gave me some hope that after I get outta this snare i got myself into that there is someone there with open arms.

 

I know, i know... I cant rely on other people here. I gotta fix this alone... and I will. its jsut an extra boost that I didnt totally mess things up. maybe its the one time that I get a real chance at fixing things. *shrug* who knows.

 

anyway I'm gonna try adn get some sleep. its like 2:30 here and im shattered. hopefully I wont get any more bad dreams or antyhing like that. I've been avoiding sleep like the plague because everytime i sleep i get bad dreams n they get worse and worse.

 

anyhooooo

nite nite all and speak to ya soon. I'll let ya know how I'm doing in the morning.

 

*hugs* A

[heyadrian]

I just spend the day out n about coz she spoke to me this morning and she has no money for food I'l worried as hell so I went down the local job centre (the government work agency) to beg for a loan.

 

Anyway, I think I have one, they'll call me back tomorrow with the exact amount I'll get.

 

I've sent her an sms message and had no answer, and tried calling the home phone but its engaged so I think shes online...

 

Why is it the one time that I actually wake up and do something about life I lose out the most? Is this mother nature hating me or is this just ora coming after me something chronic?

 

I dunno what to do any more, I really wanna be that man that provides but she still doesnt seem interested.... I'm scared.

 

Really scared.... I begged for hours and ranted and raved to get this loan, but im scared that she'd take it, blank me and forget that I did this.

 

Worse yet, if they deny me this loan to help her out will she hate me even more? As far as they are concerned, I'm homeless and have no food or anything.... I had to lie to get the money. I could go to prison for this....

 

I dunno.... I'm really lost... am I doing the irght thing or is this jsut me hoping for the wrong thing? I dont know any more

 

-Adrian