Jess... Posted March 25, 2007 Share Posted March 25, 2007 Hi guys. Quick background. We were together for 14 months, he dumped me on christmas eve last year, have had NC for 2 months now. We aren't exactly on speaking terms, so its relatively easy. I got a new cell ph number and so did he, we don't have each others numbers (well I have his but he doesn't know, and im not supposed to have it, and I don't know if he has mine, i asked my friends not to give it to him, but one possibly might have) so I can't txt him, but I would like to try talking to him again, maybe an email? I don't want to just send a random one though, eg "hey how u going?" because I don't think he would respond, and it would look like I was trying to get him back. Any ideas? And what would be the best thing to say? Thanks guys I'm totally lost *EDIT* sorry, Yes I wish we were back together, but I don't want to do anything to make him think that. I just want us to be on at least speaking terms so I don't have to panic and run the other way when i run into him (as thats happened a few times already...well i didn't literally run the other way, but i did try and avoid him), and I want him to be able to see that I have changed, maybe he'll think again about giving us another chance Link to comment
b2761 Posted March 25, 2007 Share Posted March 25, 2007 well, it's not clear why exactly you want to contact him, so what to say would of course be harder to know. are you wishing you were back together? Or are you trying to have a 'closure' conversation about why what happened the way it did? are you wanting to establish a friendship? If friendship, do you actually feel like you could hear him talk about other women and not have it hurt? Cause that's really where you should be about that. Only you know if that's where you are. Link to comment
Jess... Posted March 25, 2007 Author Share Posted March 25, 2007 I think I could probably handle him talking about other women....he had said before i stopped contacting him that he doesn't want a gf, he doesn't want the commitment, and that he wants to be single for a long time...This came completely out of left field, as we had been in a comitted relationship for 14 months and he had had no problems with it! We had talked about marriage and everything (maybe not so seriously, but things like "when we get married we can..." and "when we're married we will...") and he always told me we were going to be together forever. So the "commitment-phobia" isn't right. I don't believe that. Link to comment
Jess... Posted March 25, 2007 Author Share Posted March 25, 2007 Not even to just clear the air and any negative things? I just want us to be able to run into each other and be able to say hi. For the most part, he has ignored me and pretended I wasn't there. It shouldn't have to be like that, i mean would it really kill him to say hello to me *rolls eyes* Link to comment
annie24 Posted March 25, 2007 Share Posted March 25, 2007 well, if you DO run into him, talk to him then. Just walk up, say hi, make small talk, and leave after a few minutes..... but if he ignored you in real life, why do you think he would take your phone call? Link to comment
Jess... Posted March 25, 2007 Author Share Posted March 25, 2007 I was thinking maybe more like an email...less confronting, not as demanding as a ph call...also easier to ignore though I suppose... Link to comment
Lady Bugg Posted March 25, 2007 Share Posted March 25, 2007 Jess... In these situations....think about what your motivations are. You said you "would" eveNtually like to get back together.....so REALLY the reason you want to contact him is to "fish" for any residual feelings he may have. You have stated that he has already avoided you in person. Did he REALLy avoid you? Did he outright reject any sort of communication with you? Or was this IMAGINED rejection? Many times ...especially right after a breakup...and especially if we were dumped....we almost anticipate further rejection, almost guaranteeing it. Does this make sense to you? I could tell in your post you are SCARED of contacting him, because in your heart, you already KNOW what his reaction is going to be. That should be your answer.....You have already answered your own question. That said....I would never say never. Who knows what could happen in the future..but in my opinion..it is too soon to reinititate contact, simply because you are still too fearful of his reaction. once you get over that, i think you'll be ready for a "friendship" talk. Link to comment
Jess... Posted March 25, 2007 Author Share Posted March 25, 2007 You said you "would" eveNtually like to get back together.....so REALLY the reason you want to contact him is to "fish" for any residual feelings he may have. You have stated that he has already avoided you in person. Did he REALLy avoid you? Did he outright reject any sort of communication with you? Or was this IMAGINED rejection? Many times ...especially right after a breakup...and especially if we were dumped....we almost anticipate further rejection, almost guaranteeing it. Does this make sense to you? Yes that makes sense...It's not that he completely avoided me, I mean he looked at me, (I was sitting in my car) and he spoke to my mum, but didn't even acknowledge that I was also sitting in the car. he couldn't even say "hey Jess"....and because he was like that, I felt I couldn't say anything to him either, so I just sat there, mute, unable to speak...I haven't spoken to him since we broke up...so i'm not sure what would happen if we ran into each other just the two of us. I wouldn't know whether to just smile, or to smile and say hello, becuae I don't know if he would say hello back...that being said, if he didn't, thats pretty harsh... I could tell in your post you are SCARED of contacting him, because in your heart, you already KNOW what his reaction is going to be. That should be your answer.....You have already answered your own question. I'm terrified of contacting him! lol. I guess you're right..I never thought of it that way... That said....I would never say never. Who knows what could happen in the future..but in my opinion..it is too soon to reinititate contact, simply because you are still too fearful of his reaction. once you get over that, i think you'll be ready for a "friendship" talk. Thanks very much for that. Interesting insight, I hadn't even thought about why I was so worried about contacting him...Good to think outside the square lol. That was very helpful, thankyou Link to comment
Lady Bugg Posted March 25, 2007 Share Posted March 25, 2007 You're welcome Jess... Just remember...when you contact him, make sure you do it with confidence. Don't do it until you don't CARE how he reacts. THAT'S the key. When you're acting out of confidence, it's a very attractive thing.....remember that Link to comment
Jess... Posted March 25, 2007 Author Share Posted March 25, 2007 Ok thanx. I'll remember that. Thats a very helpful tip actually...save me making an a** out of myself lol thanx! Link to comment
annie24 Posted March 25, 2007 Share Posted March 25, 2007 yeah, I think those were wise words from lady bugg! contact the ex only when you are in a good spot emotionally (especially if they broke up with you, and it wasn't because you were being a raving lunatic). When you are confident and don't care what they do or say either way, then that is a good time to say, "hi, what's up?" Link to comment
Shiva 2007 Posted March 25, 2007 Share Posted March 25, 2007 Jess, you should really ponder on what is your agenda, sorry to be so blunt, but what are you hoping to get out of sending him an e-mail? Unless you need to contact him for something he ows you or you owe him I am a firm believer to allow someone and that includes you to move on with their life without having old baggage rehashed, does that make sense? You don't know where he is at right in life what roads he has taken or not taken since your breakup right? and assuming that this friend hasn't told him anything about you he doesn't know anything about you either, and I believe that it is probably a whole lot healthier than being stuck in old memories that serve no purpose other then remind us how we could have done something different, or how different it could have been if...... Also, what if he doesn't respond? would you feel ok with that or would you feel like you shouldn't have sent that stupid email and give him the satisfaction of having you being the one who needs to still be in contact with him...just a thought Link to comment
Jess... Posted March 25, 2007 Author Share Posted March 25, 2007 Also, what if he doesn't respond? would you feel ok with that or would you feel like you shouldn't have sent that stupid email and give him the satisfaction of having you being the one who needs to still be in contact with him...just a thought You are exactly right. Unless the email I sent didn't really warrant a reply, that is exactly what I would think, I would feel so stupid, and he would have all the power. Yet again. Wow it really helps talking through it lol. Thanx! Link to comment
blender Posted March 25, 2007 Share Posted March 25, 2007 Yes jess, you're getting some wise advice here, and it's okay to avoid him while you are still emotionally vulnerable, and "friendship" right now is not a healthy sincere option, it's time for you to take some time to heal, feel better about yourself, and to re-gain your confidence, and to not worry so much about what "HE" thinks or does... you just take care of you, and for now the best most powerful, attractive, and healing thing to do is to NOT contact him. There's no emergency here, it just "feels" like it's a "desperate feeling" at times to "contact".. but just feel that feeling, do NOT re-act to it by contacting him.. instead, breathe, let the feeling pass, and take time to heal, and get some perspective on the fact that HE is NOT making an intentional effort to be in YOUR life, so for today, it's best that you make a choice that is best for YOU in the long run, and that is to know that you are NOT interested in any guy who is not willing to cherish YOUR heart and make an effort to be in YOUR life. Okay? It's YOUR choice to just stay away until you can heal a bit more... breathe, cry, write on here, but do NOT contact him... take time for you to just be okay on your own.. that is the classy, healing thing to do for today. Link to comment
Jess... Posted March 25, 2007 Author Share Posted March 25, 2007 Wow thanx, that was really helpful, its so good to hear "no!! don't do it" and it feels like you're inside my head! You know exactly what I'm thinking becuase you've been there. You are exactly right about it feeling like a desparate feeling sometimes, i couldn't have put it better myself! (again, inside my head lol). Thanks for being so supportive everyone, every little bit of advice helps because I've never been through this before, this is my first real heartbreak, and with all your help and advice i know i can make it through Link to comment
Shiva 2007 Posted March 25, 2007 Share Posted March 25, 2007 We are all here to support and give strength to each other when we need it most, just remember you are not alone, and as I said before this forum is very much like writing in a journal with the only difference you get a response so it's even better. Do something wonderful for yourself tomorrow, like buy a wonderfully colored bouquet of flowers, or endulge in a long deserved hot bath or a massage, you get the idea, something that will bring you back to you. Be strong and keep writing, soon enough this too shall pass. Link to comment
Jess... Posted March 25, 2007 Author Share Posted March 25, 2007 We are all here to support and give strength to each other when we need it most, just remember you are not alone, and as I said before this forum is very much like writing in a journal with the only difference you get a response so it's even better. Do something wonderful for yourself tomorrow, like buy a wonderfully colored bouquet of flowers, or endulge in a long deserved hot bath or a massage, you get the idea, something that will bring you back to you. Be strong and keep writing, soon enough this too shall pass. Yes thats very true., I stumbled accross this forum by accident, I can't even remember how...i think it was during one of my desparate "google" searches for things like "how to move on" and "how to distract yourself from the ex" lol and I am soooo glad. This is the best place for advice and support, and I will keep coming back here, even when i am "healed" because it is such an amazing place. The people here don't sugar coat it either, and don't just tell you what you want to hear, they tell you what you need to hear, even if it may step on your toes a bit. I have often thought about buying myself flowers lol i might go and do it tomorrow! The bath sounds like a great idea too! I will definitely do something for myself tomorrow, thankyou. Link to comment
Shiva 2007 Posted March 25, 2007 Share Posted March 25, 2007 =D> Jess, let me know how that works for you Link to comment
Jess... Posted March 26, 2007 Author Share Posted March 26, 2007 Ok well today i almost, almost caved and texted the ex from a payphone...I was so close it was not funny, I was actually standing at the payphone...and I needed a distraction..so I thought about all my fellow enotaloners, and imagined them all screaming "NO!!!!!!" somehow, I managed to just walk away without texting....go me! =D> Jess, let me know how that works for you Well, I didn't get any flowers (lol i forgot completely!) but I went to the supermarket and bought a new magazine, some lollies, and some chocolate, then came home and had a shower, put my comfy pj's on, and settled in with my goodies it was very nice lol thanks for the idea Shiva 2007! Link to comment
Shiva 2007 Posted March 26, 2007 Share Posted March 26, 2007 Great job Jess, whatever works =D> Link to comment
Jess... Posted March 29, 2007 Author Share Posted March 29, 2007 Great job Jess, whatever works =D> I went and got my hair cut last night, completely different to my usual look. New look, new me lol. I felt soooo good about myself after! Link to comment
Shiva 2007 Posted March 29, 2007 Share Posted March 29, 2007 I went and got my hair cut last night, completely different to my usual look. New look, new Jess lol. I felt soooo good about myself after! you go girl!!! Link to comment
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