i am so depressed

[Mrs D]

We were married May 2006, just yesterday at 5AM the cycle continues...he woke me up at 5:00 in the morning to tell me that "I dont pay enough attention to him, why did he bother to come back here, I smell like another man, he hates me, I am unfaithful to him, he doesnt like me, he's not going to help me (financially or otherwise) he cant stand being with me. He doesnt love me. I deserve to suffer and I he wants to see me lose everything and suffer" So, I say, if that is how you feel, why don't you leave. Then when I say that, he gets out of control angry. Once last summer, I called the cops.

 

This is not the first, but the 8th time this has happened. Every 5 or six weeks, he does the SAME THING. I ask him if he really feels that way and he says, Yes. I say, if you feel that way, then why did you come here? LEAVE. Then I ask him to leave, he leaves, goes sleep in the woods, a friends, a camper, a tent, ...last time he was gone for 3 weeks and got an apartment. He'll be gone a few hours, minutes, or days and he'll start calling me and telling me he's sorry and he loves me, and he's just calling to "see how I am". Last time, (in February) he showed up at my house to say he missed me and came back every night until the blow up yesterday morning.

 

I dont understand this. I love this man. I dont understand how someone could say they are my best friend one minute and then say hateful things the next. I dont know what to do. A pyschiatrist said I am perfectly ok and that she was close to "admitting him." He stopped going to the psychiatrist when she suggested medication for him, but since he has changed for the better A LOT....we were actually communicating (so I thought.)

 

I cant stop loving him and he always PULLS THIS ON ME. What to do? How do I get this to stop? Do I have to break up with him forever? I am NOT CHEATING ON HIM. I love him. He just doesnt get it. The cycle continues, but I need to stop it, my heart is breaking and I am losing all self worth. I am a terrible role model for my children (not his.) I need to break my addiction to HIM and never forgive him and MOVE ON but I dont know how to do this. I dont know how to forget him even though I know he will not change. I have to change. I have to move on. Can anybody give me an idea of how to handle this. He has already started to call to say he's sorry. I did not respond.

[Hope75]

Hi There and welcome to the forum.

 

I think that deep down you know what the right answer to solve this problem is... and the only solution. A man like this is very unstable and he has been doing this for quite some time and it hasn't changed. The closest he got to real, actual help was his psychiatrist wanting to admit him or put him on some medication, but clearly he doesn't want that. He is not well, and it's not going to change.

 

You have children to think about as well as yourself.

 

I hope that you have to courage this time to change your number and file for divorce, before he pulls this on you for the 9th time. Time to take back control of your life and stop allowing yourself to be the victim.

[Mrs D]

Thank you for the reply. I am deeply emotionally touched now because you confirm what I already know. Last time he pulled this I sent the attorney money, but then put divorce on hold when he showed back up as he seemed changed and calm. I see I need to call the attorney to reinitiate proceedings.

 

I needed to "hear" what you said. The kids are teenagers now, and this has done damage to my relationship with them. They love me and looked up to me, now see me as weak and someone who makes bad decisions that were detrimental to our lives. I am sad about that. So I do need to evolve. Being a wife and a secretary is all I know. I dont know where to start to get my life back. I am just isolating myself now at home. I was thinking I should go back to college so that I can find a better paying career and a healthy focus...but I dont know what. I am so confused, I need to find the path alone. How does one find focus and strength?

[Gracelove]

He is abusive. You need to get out of this relationship. This type of behavior won't stop. It's really sad that you married this person but you just have to let it go. You're not a bad person for marrying him. You loved him and you thought it would work. First of all, don't beat up on yourself for making that decision because later on in your life you may find yourself blaming yourself for it.

 

And I'm really sorry I know how painful it can be when you love someone so much.

 

You have to think about your own safety though, before it's too late. I'm sure his behavior will only get worse overtime.

 

He'll start to blame you for more things, you'll be the focus for all of his anger, he'll soon begin to hate you and then he'll want to kill you.

 

I know it may sound really dramatic, but it's true. And it's not fun to think that life can be ugly for us. Or that people we chose to love could ever want to hurt us..........It's easier to just ignore it and think such horrible things only happen to other people, but it's not true.

 

Anyways, just pleasssseeee, think about all of the possibilities and let go. It'll probably be one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do, but it's well worth it.

 

Be strong you can do it. And nobody says you have to stop loving him. You've just got to love yourself a little more.

 

Just remember that you're a beautiful, lovely person, and that you deserve better. You deserve love, safety, and respect. You deserve a happy life. Try not to accept anything less.

You said you don't know how to move on, you can enlist the help of family and friends for this. Do you have a friend who loves to bash every man you date? If so, tell that person all of the horrible things that your husband has done, I'm sure he/she won't let you forget.

Also by telling your family and friends, whenever you get weak, you can give them a call. You know you can depend on them to convince you to stay away from him.

In these situations you usually need help from those people who really care about you to help you get through.

[Mrs D]

I am so glad that tonight I have found this forum. Thank you. You hit the nail on the head. I know I will have to move forward and start a new life with a very heavy heart, loving someone who is still alive, but I can never see again, for if I continue to open the door, my doom is impending. I appreciate that you acknowledge that this is a very difficult reality to face.

[Hope75]

Even though your children are teenagers, you bring up a very valid point that you are setting examples for them through your behavior about what is acceptable in a relationship. Think for a moment if one of your children were in a relationship with a partner who treated them the way that you are allowing your husband to treat you. What would you tell them?

 

You've got an attorney- sounds like it's time to make the call and get those proceedings rolling again.

[Mrs D]

Calling the attorney is the easy part. Undoing damage? ...

 

I sat my 15 year old son down today to talk to him. He said he had "no male role model." I explained to him that I am noticing his negativity toward me and his sisters and pointed out to him that I looked to him for positivity and hope. He wasnt even realizing how he snapped at us when he speaks to us.

 

This is my fault. I am such a fool. I cant change the past. I need to change my focus. I cant let my own flesh and blood be influenced negatively another day. I want him to grow up and have good relationships with women.

 

Courage and strength...learning to love yourself most? How? I need to learn how love myself #1. It will filter down to everyone I touch. Any suggestions are welcome.

 

The second hard part: dealing with the ex in a way that wont rile him up. I dont want his verbal threats to escalate to physical violence. I believe NC is best. In January, he had asked for a divorce, but then, refused to sign the papers (I am married less than 1 year) I will have to speak to him at some point about divorce. Again, what is the best way to deal with him without risking he "snap." I need to make him want to divorce me (but not harm me.)

[Hope75]

Courage and strength...learning to love yourself most? How? I need to learn how love myself #1. It will filter down to everyone I touch. Any suggestions are welcome.

The first thing to is treat yourself with love and respect and to not let others treat you otherwise- and you will begin to do that by not allowing your husband back into the house and filing for divorce.

 

You don't have to talk to him just yet- you can file the papers with your lawyer and have them served to hubby. Then go from there. Since you have been married only 10 months- any chance for anullment? Not sure what the timeline for that has to be.

[Mrs D]

He called. On phone now. Telling me I should forsake all others. I am trying to act boring. I feel very intimidated right now. How to act? When I ask him if i can write down what he is saying so I he hangs up or call lost. Relief.

[Hope75]

Hi There,

 

I realize it's too late- but just tell him you have to go and hang up. You don't need to talk to him or to try and see his point of view. He's just trying to manipulate you into giving him what he wants, and then he'll do it all over again. You are the one who has to cut the ties and stop the cycle.