MasterT Posted March 24, 2007 Share Posted March 24, 2007 I've finally arrived at my destination. Finishing the 30 days of NC. I plan on continuing this for an indefinite period of time... I have other objectives to pursue. In a series of revelations over the course of the last 30 days, I have finally understood why I felt the way I did, and what I need to do... Revelation 1: I believe it was because of a deep rooted desire to have someone who was crazy about me that caused me to want her back for so long. I have always wanted someone who has a secret crush on me to step forward and admit to me that they love me. I have always wanted someone that would go out of their way to be with me. My ex used to be like that. While it was me with the initial crush, she would always go out of her way to be with me... I guess the only problem with my desire is that the status quo is: "Guy asks girl out." The fact remains, that she isn't the only one who can fill those shoes. There will be others, and there will be even more awesome others to fill those shoes. No worries. Revelation 2: I was reading a book in a class and read over some lines about a guy who fell in love with this girl... When I finished reading it, something hit me in the head (not literally)... What would I do if I got her back anyways? How would I feel? It was then that I entered this eerie state of ultimate peace. I wish I could describe it to you. It was like I was suddenly transported to the most serene peaceful place you can imagine. I didn't have a worry in the world. I was just at peace. It was then that I realized that I do not want her back... At least not right now. I realized that what I really wanted right now was that state of perfect peace... A state of perfect harmony with myself and the world, and then maybe I want her back in my life after I achieve that. When I think about scenarios where I get her back I realize something... I am not excited. I am not really thrilled about it. I want to be, but I am not. The event just feels so... ick.... and boring. It feels like a stupid competition, or a job, or a treasure hunt. Those kind of things are exciting when you are working towards a goal, but then once you get it it becomes old news. This is why I would much rather work towards my own internal peace, and let her decide if she wants to do the chasing. Revelation 3: I deserve better. It's as simple as that. I deserve someone who is crazy about me in my life. I've heard it from others -- I am an incredible boyfriend. Those are their words, not mine. It's a complement I've heard over and over from others. I know I am not perfect (and I am working on my faults), but if others are saying I'm incredible, then I must be, right? If she wants to come back into my life, she's going to have to prove herself this time. Otherwise, I do not want to have anything to do with her. I deserve someone who is crazy about me. I shouldn't have to sacrifice my identity to get someone's love. It should be given freely and without conditions. Unconditional love... That's what I want. It's funny. My friends were in shock when they heard of the breakup... They couldn't believe someone would break up with me.... That made me feel good. Made me feel like I deserve better than this. Revelation 4: I realized that everything happens for a reason, and that God has got something special in store for me. Part of me says that God did this for a reason, and that He may decide to restore things after I correct the mistakes I was making. The other part of me says that God is preparing me for the arrival of someone who will obliterate my ex in every way. Either way, I cannot wait to see what He has in store for me. Revelation 5: Finally, I remembered my old philosophy on life... That this is my story, and I need to write it the way I want it to end. I refuse to allow things to continue the route of a tragedy. I am going to have the happy ending... Even if it is with someone else. So now what am I doing? Just cruising along life now... Finding peace and happiness along the way. It's my story after all... I'm going to make it great. Big thanks to everyone at ENA... You all have been great to me. Special thanks to SuperDave71, and the Gipper. SuperDave71 your advice is incredible, and thanks for the IM conversations... You'll be hearing from me as time progresses. Gipper, I particularly enjoy reading your posts... We think a lot alike. You all shall be hearing from me as I continue my journey... After all, I'm not out of the woods yet -Master T Link to comment
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