My neighbor brings home a new guy every night and I cannot sleep?

[rose2summer]

My neighbor has a boyfriend who loves her so much and yet she brings a different guy home every night. I am getting so tired of it, because they are talking, laughing at 3am and then have sex. I am taking 11 classes, am exhausted, trying to studying. Last night, I was furious, I so much work to do at least she can be respectful. She said sorry and then they immediately went back to talking loudly until 5am. So I have had it with her. She always tells everyone how she wants to destroy her competition and how she wants to do better than everyone at school to rub it in our faces. Not only that, she told some guys I was ugly at the begin of the semester. And she is paying her school because she was in a car accident and sued the person for all the tuition and fees $200k, claiming she could not write, yet she is writing, studying just fine. Ugh.

 

It's not like there is a landlord I can talk to here, it's a 3rd world country, I have to deal with it on my own. I wanted to move out, but the only apt open has no bathroom or electricity, which would be worse.

 

This morning I decided to give her a taste of her own medicine. I know she went to bed at 5am so I am playing my radio very loud against her wall. I know it sounds childish, but how else can I deal with her? She won't listen to me and I cannot just live on the streets. I have a classmate that said I can move in with him, but he is always trying to pull moves on me, and I don't want him near me. I just want to study and make it through school. Ahh.

[Honey Pumpkin]

What a shame - horrible living environments and neighbours are incredibly draining!

 

I would say though, be careful of wars of attrition: that is, you retaliate by playing your radio loudly, etc. You can get stuck in a cycle that is hard to break, and end up not behaving how you would like to behave. Also, it sounds like she would be able to annoy you much more with her antics, because you're too nice!

 

One site advises this action:

 

Talk to your Neighbour

 

We recommend that you always approach your neighbour first to let them know they are making noise that is disturbing you.

 

Be courteous and be polite even if you're very angry that you've been kept awake for the 5th night running or your enjoyment of your home is being regularly spoilt by the noise from next door. There could be a good chance your neighbour may not even be aware that the noise they are making could be disturbing you.

 

Hopefully, pointing this out to your neighbour may solve the problem and ultimately prevent it from spiraling even more out of control. Your neighbour could feel extremely guilty about their noise making and genuinely not have realised what they were doing has been causing you disturbance. Fingers crossed this works, it is one of the best solutions in theory.

 

Plan what you need to say first, take some written notes and examples of their noise nuisances with you when you call on your neighbour so you don't forget what you want to say. You could be a bit nervous about approaching them, especially if they are unknown to you, are new to the neighbourhood, or you've had little prior contact with them, so prepare and be as confident as you can.

 

Try to avoid going round to your neighbour to complain about the noise when it's actually happening. Chances are if someone has been drinking or partying heavily, they're not going to want to talk to you. You may be seen by your neighbour as simply trying to stop their enjoyment, when in reality that certainly isn't the case. So go around when you know they are home, when it's quiet and always plan your approach beforehand.

 

If she won't listen to you, then you have to take it further. Is there no one at school you could ask to mediate between you? Make it clear that you are calling her on her actions, and are going to sort it out.

 

Good luck - it's very very hard to deal with something like this, Iknow.

[shes2smart]

Certainly, keep working on her, but in the interim, control what you can control. Can you get some earplugs (or have someone back in the States send a few packs to you)?

 

An ex used to like to drag me along to auto racing tracks. I'm a big fan of "quiet" and that's in short supply at those places. While the earplugs didn't completely drown out the noise, they cut it to a tolerable level. Did nothing for the dirt, being crammed into the stands like sardines, and being surrounded by stupidity....but they were just earplugs, after all.

 

Your neighbor's probably not as loud as a couple dozen race cars. The earplugs might drown her out enough so you can get some sleep.

[itsallgrand]

Eeks. Was there tension between the two of you before all this? Because of school or old history or something?

 

What type of place do you live in? With no landlord, I'm a bit confused. Who owns the joint?

[rose2summer]

No, there is no tension.

 

I was very good friends with her and I went out with her and others at the beginning of the semester.

 

Then, I just was so bogged down with work and knowing that only a certain of my class will return for next semester, I study all the time, and then I was told, oh that's so boring.

 

Well, I want to make it and I have been very nice to her.

 

When I ask her for extra notes, she will never share. She is like this to everyone not just me. And many other classmates are that way too. When I was sick, I asked others for help, and very few were willing to. They were great friends when I was in good health and I had food poisoning that nearly killed me, I didn't eat for 1 week, and I was on a iv, yet I still kept going to class. It's the profession I guess.

 

She's just very very competititive. We all know that only a certain percentage of us will make it, and it gets to everyone.

 

There is no real landlord, I don't have an address, it's just a place to live. I know it sounds amazing, I wake up everyday thinking I am in a dream.

 

I did talk to her nicely enough about it last night, but she did nothing about it.

 

I have tried being so patient, and now I just have more work than time, so I cannot deal with lack of sleep.

 

She studies like 18hrs a day and says that she cannot handle the stress, so she cannot be loyal to her boyfriend, and sex is a great way to relieve her stress.

 

That's her business, not mine, but she needs to be quieter about it.

 

I just get so frustrated, because people are SO competitive, people backstab each other at every chance, and I don't think she is intentionally loud, but she isn't considerate either.

 

It bothered me less before, because I was going out too, and now I just study, I refuse to fail out.

[annie24]

Not only that, she told some guys I was ugly at the begin of the semester.

 

oh rose, there is some tension between you two! She sounds like a horrible person. I agree, look for a new place and in the meantime, get some earplugs. I also use a sort of "noise canceller." I always have on my air purifier and that is this sort of white noise that drowns out my neighbors. hang in there!

[Siriana]

Look for a new place and buy earplugs - saved me a lot of trouble when I was learning!

[itsallgrand]

Rose,

 

I've been thinking on this. It's a real thinker! Tough spot.

 

Earplugs. Check. Good idea.

 

Continuing to look for a new place. Check. Good idea.

 

For lack of a better term, it sounds like you are living in a squat? Hate the word, but some squats are very nice and work. It's just the 'rules' of living are different.

An unconventional living arrangement, anyhow.

 

Could you team up with others who live there? Sometimes gentle pressure - and intelligent, seemingly unrelated changes around - can get an unruly neighbour to settle down.

 

She has her 'weaknesses' I am sure. Self interests within the building. And limited power - right.

 

At the risk of sounding unethical, if you exploit and push for changes that would benefit her and her own self interests there (or take away something she values there) - you may get what you need.

 

We don't always ask for conflict or to get messed up in someone else's business, sometimes they push it in on us. And I agree with Annie like there is tension there - she sees you as competition to be 'eliminated' or not considered, otherwise.

 

Push back - firmly, calmly, rationally. Use all the resources at your disposal.

Not convienent for you , but if you are determined to stay there, you need to do something.

 

Forming a makeshift, informal 'comity' within the building might do it. Unless the 'code' is a partying one, then I don't know.

 

Hope things turn upwards soon, and you get the peace you need.

[Diggitydave]

all i have to say is whoa 11 classes. holy crap