Pkittie Posted March 24, 2007 Share Posted March 24, 2007 I'm a 31 yr old Indian gal living now in the US. I have been living here for more than 5 yrs...Sometimes the loneliness around me becomes very hard to bear. I was brought up in India...grew up seeing that even though life is hard there is hope...love & sacrifice go hand in hand. From that innocent gal I have come a really long way.....Live in relationships, casual sex was not the norm. I truly cherished the values I had been brought up with. Today I feel I can write an autobiography on my life & it will be a bestseller. So throughout my growing years I dreamt of a special love & I was holding out for it...I was told that someday life would just take an 180 degrees turn... Yes it did I had my first crush at 18 only to discover 6 months later that the guy I had fallen for was flirting with me..and was sexually involved with my real sister before me...I thanked my stars that I had refrained from having sex with him. My world came crashing down... I never knew that was the beginning....After that one after other it was just a series of losers...I never got into any affairs but once in two yrs I would meet someone who wud spark my interest and suddenly I would find out what jerks they are. Finally at 23 I met my ex hubby who seemed like a breath of fresh air & even though we met thro families we fell in lov. Too much drama from families but we got married a year later. He was genuine, sweet & honest. I thought I was a lucky gal. Only to discover that 3 yrs later my life would turn upside down. He decided to file for a divorce becoz specifically his mom did not like me. Weak minded as he was all my efforts at trying to make him see the light went down the drain. And I had to face not only my family's wrath but I was left all alone to fend for myself. And he did it at such an appropriate time after two months of me having lost my Dad. I didn't know what was hurting more my divorce or my dad's death. Ever since I have been struggling to get on my own feet, work to support myself...Six months later he got married. I have been alone for over 4 yrs...Two yrs back I met another guy thro an Indian matrimonial website & after 6 months he too walked away...In all my relationships I see the same pattern. I have only given loads of love & support & gotten kicked in some form or other...is this a price I'm paying for being a simple human being who does not play games....I have met lots of guys & they r either looking for sex or they r complete jerks. I have been very careful to start everything from the realm of friendship & 2-3 months down the line I discover their reality. If I was to list my experiences even 200 pgs would not be enough. I have not been dating anyone but it's an eye opener to see that in today's day & age NOONE can be trusted..I'm a fairly attractive looking gal so guys sometimes show interest..but the minute they find out they r not getting anything from me they run away...My ex bf came back last yr said sorry & that's it. I forgave him & became his friend. how do i forget the hurt he inflicted on me... What have i done to deserve more than my share of misery...Why is love eluding me....I have tried to get into meditation...focusing on work...I lost my job more than a month back...and I feel so SAD...Why is God so unkind to some of us?? I have no family here & sometimes I feel even if i die who cares...I have read a lot of books...our life is tohelp others & yes all that is good but don't we all need lov too at the end of the day?? All I see are selfish ppl around me...with closed hearts...everybody is looking 4 someone hot & sexy...who cares about things like humility and truthful heart...Sometimes I feel like becoming a total * * * * * like some of the gals around me...I too have my physical ,emotional needs but I have never indulged in casual sex. I find it very hard to change my value system altogether now...I don't know why but my past really haunts me....I wanna kick all the guys who came in my life...All of them have treated me so badly...played games and God knows how many other gals they have hurt. Even though in my heart I wantu forgive them but I curse them so much....Never ever in my life have I dumped anyone...I'm sick & tired of being dumped...I would have hated all men except for the fact that some of my frens r such wonderful guys that I wish I had chosen or liked anyone of them. I cannot help but it seems ONLY unattractive, below average men are good guys at heart.. Where is the lov I grew up watching in movies & reading in books....My heart breaks to think that I have been so unlucky in love...Everything makes me cry & my heart bleeds.... Link to comment
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