Would you be worried?

[EmotionalCreature]

If you are in a relationship (living together with you) and your wife / female partner cheated on you with another man when things got tough. Then she came back to you for whatever reasons she never clearly said it out loud.

 

Then 2 or 3 months down the track, she starts to contact the other man in the form of "Just saying hi" or "Just want to know if you're doing okay" or similar. Would you be worried? Should you be worried?

 

Should we talk to the wife to cut down that communication with the other man? If you think we should, how should we approach?

 

Please advise.

[Suesser Tod]

She cheated, got back, and now she is trying to contact the person she cheated with...

 

 

I would aproach this to my lawyer inmediately!

[EmotionalCreature]

Thanks Tod, but I need serious advise other than running straight to the lawyer right away.

[GQstatus]

If she's trying to get back in touch with this guy, you either need to break it off immediately, or tell her immediately you will NOT put up with it.

 

You need to tell her it's either you, without him in the picture at ALL, or she can go ahead and talk to him while you move on with your life.

[Suesser Tod]

OK, trying to work on your marriage didnt work as expected. Otherwise, if she cared about you, she wouldn't be doing it.

 

I can try to sugarcoat it and tell you to try counselling again, to talk to her, to whatever, that I'm quite sure already has been done.

 

You gave it another chance, is it working?

 

 

I dont' think so, and I'm dead serious about aproaching a lawyer, so at least you can have the upper hand on the divorce.

[EmotionalCreature]

It's kind of hard to talk when you're trying to reach a deeper level of communication and have true feelings out in the open to decide what to do next with your life and as soon as you're trying to get to that level, the partner shuts down, turn around and make no eyes contact, you don't exist.

[Dako]

I wouldn't be worried.

To me, cheating is the end of the road.

I wouldn't wait for a second time.

[EmotionalCreature]

I understand that many of you wouldn't give a second look at a cheater.

 

I recognize that we're all human, we're subjected to temptations, need someone in the time we're hurting and when we have that hand that helps us here and there, we appreciate it. We feel that we're special, we feel that the person is special, just like how we used to feel about our partners. We're all flawed creatures, full of emotions, full of selfishness, full of lust and love.

 

I think all I really need is to know the truth from her mouth, but why is it so hard to get her to speak her heart. I don't want "go with the flow" stuff, I want black and white, either stay for good and make all efforts or tell me everything and get out the door.

 

Trying to minimize the pain by stringing someone along for months or years is more cruel and painful than one shot of pain to the head.

[Suesser Tod]

I understand that many of you wouldn't give a second look at a cheater.

 

 

I stopped reading your post after that first line. Wouldnt this be the THIRD look?

 

 

You seem to be in denial, or your self steem is low enough for you to stay in that relationship, or something along those lines. I can't pinpoint exactly what may be going on, but I can tell you, a marriage isn't.

 

 

She did it once, you caught her about to do it a second time, and you want to fix things. At this point you have basically two options:

 

a) Stay with her and ignore that she cheats on you.

 

b) Get out of there

 

The third option you want, "fix things", didn't happened the first time, what makes you think it is going to work this time?

 

From your second post is quite clear it won't:

 

It's kind of hard to talk when you're trying to reach a deeper level of communication and have true feelings out in the open to decide what to do next with your life and as soon as you're trying to get to that level, the partner shuts down, turn around and make no eyes contact, you don't exist.

 

She is not even willing to work this out, how do you expect it to work? Hate to break it on you, but it is not possible, if she is not in it with you, it's over.

[Dako]

I've been cheated on quite soundly, and at first wanted to work through it and stay together, but I changed.

You may just be a better person.

[doyathink]

Ec, Lightly gazing over the other threads you've started lately sounds to me your just continuing to allow her to put you through more and more pain.

 

There comes a point in every relationship where you have to admit to yourself that your either happy and content with the way things are.......or it's time to pack up and kick rocks!

 

Can you honestly tell yourself that you don't think she will never, ever cheat on you again? Is this all truly worth it.....or are you just scared to move on?

[Honey Pumpkin]

I'm with the others, I think that this is not really something that you can get past.

 

HOWEVER - would she be willing to try couples counselling with you, so that you can see if this is an issue you can work through? At least trying might bring you peace of mind for the future, that you did all you could, plus you might get some honest exchange of what's been going on.

 

Relate say this about getting over an affair:

 

What helps to mend a relationship?

• The unfaithful partner must end the affair, once and for all.
  
• Talk it through. This process may take days, weeks, or longer.
  
• Don't talk on for hours and hours - you'll just go round in circles.
  
• Set a time limit, and don't talk when you're tired.
  
• Agree to discuss future problems, too, instead of just hoping they'll go away.
  
• Make a commitment to a new future together. Both partners must do this, and mean it.
  
• Find more time for each other, take more interest in each others' lives and feelings.
  
• Try to sort out sexual problems.
  
• Consider relationship counselling.
  

 

I think this is worth tryinng, but if you think she is starting up the affair again, I don't know.

 

Counselling also offer help about splitting up too, so I think it's worth considering.

 

Anyway, all the best.

[itsallgrand]

Hello EmotionalCreature.

 

I can relate to all you are saying...because I heard it all from the mouth of the fiance of my ex.

Deal was: he was lying and cheating on her and me. Playing us both for suckers.

 

Now you have that background of my experience of being cheated on - and having that strange experience of being able to talk it out woman-to-woman with the other.

 

You said nearly identical words that she did

I think all I really need is to know the truth from her mouth, but why is it so hard to get her to speak her heart. I don't want "go with the flow" stuff, I want black and white, either stay for good and make all efforts or tell me everything and get out the door.

 

I understand that deep want to hear the truth from someone! Not just someone, but someone you have tried to make a life with.

 

I wanted the truth too - but I got lies. Right to my face.

And she got the same.

 

You may not be getting bold faced lies, necessarily, but you certainly aren't getting the truth from her heart.

 

It SUCKS. No doubt about that. But here I feel very strongly. And I hope you'll hear me out.

It's meant the difference between me going through the ringer for another round (this is what she has experienced! already!) or not.

 

I cut him out like cancer. How? Without getting any truth or answers to my face?

I admit it did help to be able to talk to that woman. A lot. (not necessarily advising you in that direction, just saying, that helped to get a good view of the whole story and get confirmation of facts, and the empathy I would have hoped would have come from the one who once was such a part of my life).

 

But, the difference between her and me was simply this:

She continued to allow his decisions to impact the direction of her life

I did not.

 

Think about it. Why would you give someone who has betrayed the power to make decisions for you?

This is exactly what you are doing in waiting for her to say something, do something, anything.

 

It's hard - and lonely and painful at first - to stand up on your own and do what needs to be done FOR YOU - knowing full well that you are necessarily leaving someone you care for in the dust.

Even when they have been horrible, it hurts and takes a certain burst of energy and determination to walk on out.

 

But the alternative? Giving the reigns of control over YOUR OWN LIFE AND HAPPINESS to someone who has betrayed your trust.

 

That is a disaster waiting to happen, and, in the meantime, it leaves you in a weak and helpless position.

 

Take charge. Decide for yourself. As I said before, and I think it is relevent here "(S)he doesn't have a say anymore. Why are they talking?"

 

Someone who betrays needs to act with courage to make things right, or not. Their words are just fuzz in the background and not to be trusted at this point.

Does this make sense to you?

 

What I'm saying is I don't think it is wise to make moves to being with her at all until she absolutely has shown she has worked to make things right -first and foremost.

Even then, but foolish until then!

 

 

Anyways, good luck.

[EmotionalCreature]

We're in a casual relationship, I've been with her for just over 10 years, married, no kids, we're a few years under 30 years old and also own a house together, paying off big mortgage for our incomes anyway.

 

To be fair to her, I need to give background info that in the past few years before all hell broke loose (which is almost half a year ago). I started a job in a workplace where I was quite stressed because the bosses were bullying all the workers. Nobody liked each other and I always brought stress home and all I had to talk about was how bad my work was.

 

I finally moved on to a new job, with more pay, more opportunity, where I saw would help me and her in the future. I thought it would make our lives better, we would be able to afford more things, etc. But the turned out to be more destructive than helping.

 

I work 8:30am to 5pm, come home and every second week I have to take work mobile and pager which will ring any time from 6pm to 8am in the morning. I always have to wake up about 2 to 5 times during nights and do work. At my office its only a 2-men office, me and my colleague, my colleague is never there and he's his own boss so I always end up alone in the office from 8:30am to 5pm, I had no life. This affected my health, emotions, behavior significantly and definitely took it's toll on my relationship.

 

I wasn't ignorant to the problem, I immediately tried to find a new job but with little experience it took me 7 months to get a new job. My wife did always stood by me, believed in me and was very supportive in every ways.

 

She couldn't take it anymore and asked for a divorce and break-up, selling the house, everything, all in one hit, just a few weeks before I got a new job in a better environment with much better pay. She just said something along the line of it doesn't work anymore.

 

Because of the sadness, the hurt, the pain, and the doubts, I started snooping around and found out things I never imagined that this great wonderful woman I want to spend the rest of my life with could think of or do to me.

 

I tried to reconcile and she asked me to trust her, seriously trust her. But knowing something I shouldn't have known, I couldn't stop checking and investigating, it was totally pathetic, I was totally pathetic.

 

She caught me but still doesn't know (or maybe she does) that I know and I couldn't bring myself to say to her why I did what I did, why I wasn't able to trust her. Pretty much from that day on (about 4 to 5 months ago) things changed, she lost her feelings for me, lost interest in me, becomes really mean, and I was virtually non-existent. I've tried, and she said she have tried, we're still living together. I am a better man now, taking care of things and my responsibilities, giving her time and space when she needs and other things too.

 

The situation is currently like what I explained earlier.

[DN]

This is my advice:

 

tell her what you know - all of it.

 

tell her that if the relationship is to continue you need to know why she decided to do what she did - why she felt the necessity. Proper explanations not throw-away lines. Most of what she says, if not all of it, will be hard to hear.

 

she also needs to understand why she did it.

 

both of you need to re-commit to each other, and that means a proper commitment taken seriously.

 

And define what your relationship is: I have no idea what 'casual' means. It doesn't really matter that I don't know but it is very important that both of you do - and that it means the same thing to both of you.

[EmotionalCreature]

Wouldn't admitting to distrusting and used methods to find out those things make it worse and she would lose it all together?

[DN]

No, I don't think so. Don't confuse cause and effect. In the immediate, her actions are the cause of the problems not your actions.

 

If she will not deal with her actions then you have no relationship worth the name anyway.

[mxfun]

Oh Man Tod,

 

I've been down this road. I stayed with him and gave the "second chance". It then turned into a third, and so on - I ended up in a non-trusting miserable relationship. I finally wised up 5 years later and felt that i'd wasted so much valuable time. I stripped myself of happiness and confidence.

 

Your shattered self-esteem has not allowed you to see that if you get out now, there is light at the end of the tunnel; someone who will want you and ONLY you for the rest of her life. You do not deserve to be second-best. You deserve to come first.

 

If she truly wanted to work on this, she would absolutely have no contact with this other person. No amount of talking to her from this point will make much difference. Do you honestly want to live the rest of your life not being able to trust this person again? It will always be in the back of your mind.

 

You gave her a second chance. She blew it. Please don't allow yourself to be a door mat any longer.

[radioheader]

i have been cheated on and i would say...be worried about this contact...she should not be contacting someone she had an affair with if she is going to be with you...set your boundaries and if she doesn't respect them, move on...but in the end you will have to decide what is best for you and what you are willing to tolerate...get a book called "not just friends" by shirley glass...very interesting read for all in a relationship...especially those who deal with infidelity on some level...good luck!

[annie24]

Isn't being in a "casual relationship" with someone you are married to and owning a home with a large mortgage an oxymoron? I mean, how can it be casual if the two of you have such a big committment to each other? but, ok, like DN said, you two have to figure out what "casual relationship" means to each other.

 

I think you two need some serious serious relationship counseling. No, it is NOT ok that she is contacting this man. If she is trying to repair this relationship with you, then it is completely inappropriate. I agree with DN, lay everything out on the line and figure out where you two stand. Does she even WANT to make the relationship work between the two of you?

 

I think that Tod's suggestion about the lawyer is not bad either. I bet they would have some really good advice about how to handle things.

[EmotionalCreature]

When did I use the word "casual"?

[annie24]

We're in a casual relationship, I've been with her for just over 10 years, married, no kids, we're a few years under 30 years old and also own a house together, paying off big mortgage for our incomes anyway.

 

 

right here...........

[EmotionalCreature]

Sorry! I meant 'serious relationship' typo!

[annie24]

Ah, well that changes things, doesn't it?

 

maybe it was a freudian slip.....? Her having an affair and still talking to this other guy..... it certainly sounds like she is acting like she is in a "casual relationship."

 

have you talked to her yet? are you two going to get couples' counseling?

[EmotionalCreature]

No I haven't talked to her yet, I am gathering all the courage to do it because there's a chance that nothing will be left at all once all is said.