i need closure!!!

[bear12]

i know what you guys are probably going to say: that the fact that he broke up with me should be closure enough, but it really sucks that:

 

1) his reasons for breaking up with me were really ambigious- and seemed to do more with him missing me (we were LDR) than anything else and he said something like "i think i'm going to look back on this as the biggest mistake of my life"

2) he freaked out when i went on a date

3) when we were together he always said things like, if we break up i can totally see us getting back together after we're both in city x

4) before initiating NC for the first time (when he started dating) i asked him to tell me that he was either over me or not in love with me anymore, and he said that he couldn't tell me either of those things

5) i broke NC a couple of weeks ago and he told me that while he thought NC was the best thing, he really missed me and was having a hard time...

 

okay, so, yeah, it's clear that he doesn't want to be with me right now (because i'm sure he knows all he'd have to do is say so!), and i could try telling myself that he's just being a huge jerk who's trying to keep me on the back burner by keeping me hanging on but a part of me feels like he really is just internally conflicted and all these things keep me holding on to a chance of us getting back together. but this just leaves me in limbo and i'm sick of feeling this way. the thing is, as much as i can tell myself that he's not coming back, i feel like until i hear it from his own mouth, i'm never going to get the sense of closure i need. but at the same time, i'm not sure that breaking NC is the best thing from me, and (yes, this is hypocritical, i know!) but if there is even the slightest chance of us getting back together in the future, pushing him for closure will surely ruin that...

 

yeah, sorry, it's been a rough night and this isn't extremeley coherent. any advice would be appreciated. thanks!

[blender]

do not break no contact, it's best to let him have the OPPORTUNITY to miss you enough to discover if he is willing to make an intentional effort to win YOUR heart back. If not, then it's best that you let go one day at a time and get busy with your own life.

 

And try to remember, He's not keeping you on the back burner, YOU are keeping YOURSELF on that back burner, he has clearly said that he wants to break up, he said "no contact" is probably best but he doesn't like it (boo hoo, if he wanted something MORE then he would clearly say so, and you do DESERVE MORE) and IF he is "internally conflicted" then the BEST THING for you to do is to have NO contact so he can have the opportunity to discover which side of his "internal conflict" he chooses to be on.

 

But if you keep "hangin on and just "being there" he will never have the opportunity to miss you, wonder about you, and perhaps discover that he wants to make an effort to contact YOU out of a clear intention of getting back together. That is what you want right? You deserve and want a guy who would want to pursue YOU, and make an effort to be in YOUR life the "right and loving committed way"... right?

 

So don't settle for less, for today, let go, no contact, one day at a time.. he knows how to contact you if and or when he discovers he wants to try again as a couple... but for now, he's "on the fence" so let him be there, don't try to drag him off it down on your side..that's not becoming for you, it's not healthy for you, it's not the self respecting thing to do, and YOU are strong enough to let go, go no contact, and remember how precious YOU are and how much YOU can love, and much YOU can give to someone special in your life.. and keep your mind open to all the wonderful possibilities for YOUR future, with or without him.. you're going to be okay..

 

Can you go one day at a time without contacting him, and let yourself have the chance to heal a bit, and re-gain your perspective, and to respect yourself enough to know that if he ever does want to try again, that nothing would stop him from contacting YOU.... and take each day of no contact as a badge of self respecting healing honor that will help empower you, help you heal, and this is the most powerful, attractive, healing choice for you right now.

 

Closure come from inside YOU, by choosing to be in "acceptance" of the fact that for right now HE is NOT ready for the real committed loyal loving relationship that you deserve in your life.. and maybe you're being prepared by fate for the "real love of your life" by going through this heart break, only to discover how strong and fantastic and loving YOU are on your own.. and that is when you will "attract" healthy love, and it might even be your ex.. but for now just take care of you and take YOURSELF OFF THAT BACK BURNER.

[eskimomo]

This is a nice post, thanks Blender. Bear12, I'm going thru something similar. Nice exes are even worse than evil-bast4rd exes. Let's hang in there, OK? If they really love us as much as they say they do, they WILL be in touch someday, even if it takes a year.

[Wotgorilla]

I think blender makes alot of sense. I think it's best for you, and your healing, to stick to NC. As for him, there's a line in an old yes song that goes:

 

"love will find a way, if you want it to...."

 

Stick to NC, focus on you, and let him find you if that what he wants, and if it's in the cards.

 

Hang in there, you're going to be just fine.

 

 

Dan on LI.

[bear12]

thanks, guys. you taking the time to think about this situation really means a lot. i guess since you've all given me the same advice it must be the right thing to do! i just sort of feel like it would help me heal faster if i could really feel like he didn't give a s*** about me, you know?- instead of clinging to what is quite likely false hope. or, since i know he's dating someone else- if (as painful as it would be) if i could call him and hear him tell me that he really likes her, etc, etc and that i should just leave him alone. it would help me feel like there really is no going back... (but i'm guessing he probably wouldn't tell me that anyway..) oh well, i guess i'm just going to tell myself that he really doesn't care (if he cared THAT much, we'd still be together...) i know i can't rely on him to help me heal, but i just feel like he's left me in such a crappy place!

 

okay, anyway, thanks again!!

[blender]

You're going to be okay, just try to adjust your way of thinking, instead of saying to yourself "i just sort of feel like it would help me heal faster if i could really feel like he didn't give a s*** about me, you know?", erase that kind of thinking from your mind and rephrase it to: "I will heal faster because I know I am NOT interested in ANY GUY who is not making an intentional clear effort to be in MY life".

 

And besides you do NOT want to contact him so he can tell you to something that would hurt you, or as you say "make you heal faster".. that's not a self respecting way of thinking, you are going to heal, you will because you are now being mature enough to be in "acceptance" that if a guy really is serious about you, he knows how to call you..

 

and if at any time this guy does want to talk to you, he knows how to call you..right, no need to make him "never want to" by chasing him, or asking him for "closure".. yuk, you don't have to do that in order to heal, you're already healing.. you are..

 

so do NOT call him, just one day at a time, celebrate YOURSELF, and all the wonderful possibilities of YOUR future, you're going to rise above all this feeling so good about yourself, because you are no longer clinging to him, or "hope" of him, you're going to be strong and cling to hope you have for YOURSELF..and the hope and sure thing that YOU will be happy, and YOU will do okay, and YOU will heal... and that starts right now, with your new attitude of "I will be fine, I will grow through all this, and I will respect myself, and I will NOT contact him for today, I'm worthy of a guy who will make an effort to call ME, not the other way around".