Being too careful during the healing process?

[LLammas]

Hey guys. I just wanted to run this by fellow ENAers and see what everyone thinks.

 

I got out of a nasty, abusive long-term relationship a few months back: one that I had been in for nearly all of my adult life. After I went through the sulking, the pining, the I-hate-myself-for-losing-you stages, I started to actually work on healing. Here's the thing: I want to avoid another abusive relationship at all costs. Not only that, but, upon really examining things, I've realized I was with my ex out of familiarity, not love. I never actually had the "in love" experience with him. No butterflies, no swooning, no giddiness, just another body who was there to keep me comfortable. Obviously, I want to avoid this type of relationship as well.

 

I decided to try and fix what I could. I became straight edge (no smoking, drinking, drugging, or casual sex), which meant giving up a several years long smoking habit and my occasional drunkeness. It was one of the best decisions I've ever made. Now, where it gets tricky is that I've chosen to be much, much, much more selective in my dating as well. My friends think I'm insane, and that I should be more open to whatever opportunities arise.

 

To give an idea of what I mean by selective, I rejected one guy for not liking the music that I obsess over (honestly, it's not as trivial as it sounds- I spend nearly all of my free time either playing music or listening to it), rejected another for making a homophobic comment (my friends think I blew this out of proportion, I think I'm justified in not wanting to be near a biggot), and a third for criticizing my hair.

 

I think that these are all justifiable reasons for turning down a potential suitor, but I'm being told by those around me that this is a phase, and that I'm throwing away perfectly good opportunities because I'm afraid to get hurt again and won't admit it.

 

So, fellow ENAers, what's your take on this? I maintain that I shouldn't have to settle for anyone who isn't wonderful to me and gives me butterflies, and my friends and family claim I'm not over the break up and I'm hiding. What do you think?

[Me and myself]

You've said:

 

I maintain that I shouldn't have to settle for anyone who isn't wonderful to me and gives me butterflies

 

and before you've said:

 

I rejected one guy for not liking the music that I obsess over (honestly, it's not as trivial as it sounds- I spend nearly all of my free time either playing music or listening to it), rejected another for making a homophobic comment (my friends think I blew this out of proportion, I think I'm justified in not wanting to be near a biggot), and a third for criticizing my hair.

 

Honestly, I think the reasons shy you've rejected those three guys have nothing to do with being or not wonderfull to you. There must be another reason behind this rejection....I don't think, except for the homophobic, that the other two reasons are enough to reject anyone. Maybe you saw some other things on those guys and used, unconsciently, the hair and music as an excuse.

 

It seems you're over the break up, but you are hiding your self from others...fear? Maybe but I think every person have their own defects but qualities also. You have to give them and yourself an opportunity to know them so that you can do your own balence between what's good and bad in each person...

[CharLit]

Hey girl,

 

What i think:

 

1) It's none of your friends' business who you do and do not date - especially since they do not know what it is to live throught a relationship gone seriously wrong, as you have. All they should care about is your happiness.

 

2) All you should care about is your happiness, not what other people think

 

3) It doesn't sound like numbers 2 and 3 in your examples were good opportunities thrown away at all, scream and run I say! And no. 1 - we all have things that we feel we absolutely HAVE to be able to share with our partners, and this is yours. Nothing wrong with that.

 

4) What's the rush anyway? You'll meet someone wonderful at some point, no need to go out with every guy that looks at you for more than 3 seconds

 

take care!

[CharLit]

 

....I don't think, except for the homophobic, that the other two reasons are enough to reject anyone. Maybe you saw some other things on those guys and used, unconsciently, the hair and music as an excuse.

 

 

I disagree, I have NEVER criticised anyone about the way they look, I think it's a mean and unnecessary thing to do. It has everything to do with being treated/treating someone wonderfully: criticism hurts the most from someone you care about.

I would run a mile from a guy who thinks "your hair looks sh*t today" is a pick-up line. If that's his seduction technique, god knows what he'll do in a relationship.

[LLammas]

CharLit- that's sort of what I'm getting at. I play music: guitar and piano, and I feel that it's something I want to share with a partner.

 

As for the criticizing my hair thing, yeah, it was pretty ridiculous. It was more of a "Why don't you get your hair cut differently, you look silly" comment, and I took offense to that. It was such a jerk move.

[Me and myself]

I disagree, I have NEVER criticised anyone about the way they look, I think it's a mean and unnecessary thing to do.

 

I can see your point but I believe criticism is not always bad. It depends how it's done. If someone tells me "Why don't you get your hair cut differently, you look silly", it would offend me if said by someone who I hardly know, but if it is said by a close friend, I would take it to another level.

 

we all have things that we feel we absolutely HAVE to be able to share with our partners, and this is yours. Nothing wrong with that.

That's part of the balance I was talking about. If music is one of the things you think fundamental, than you just made your choice.

These are all subjective things, it all depends of the fundamental things each one is seeking in a partner and the level of intimacy you have with someone when you find yourself in a relationship with him.

[Karhu]

high standards are very respectable!

 

you had very valid reasons for leaving them, and i think actually this is the most valid reason:

 

I maintain that I shouldn't have to settle for anyone who isn't wonderful to me and gives me butterflies,

 

Simply not feeling that they are right for you is a good enough reason!

you don't need to put it into words, justify it to your friends etc.

Trust your intuition!

 

you don't want anything just ordinary. so you keep waiting, until one day someone is just right in every respect.

 

what is the rush for anyway? when looking for a new car/house etc you put in the effort to select one that is right for you. but with the biggest investment people think you have to rush into a purchase. if you're going to want to spend the rest of your life with someone, then it's worthwhile waiting till the right deal comes along, waiting for a couple of years is a insignificant ammount of time compared to the time that you'll hopefully be living with someone. and when you least expect it the right person will come along, give you the butterflies and you'll just know it's right.

 

in the mean time it's good to open doors, still meet people, have coffee etc. trust your gut/intuition, (I know i so normally instantly know they are not right for a serious relationship). Until someone comes along and then every fiber of your body is saying that this person has some serious potential which is worth investigating further. the more people you meet in a week the better your chances are, and being more sellective might mean you might need to wait a little longer, but then find the right one, which is better then wasting the next 5 years in a wrong relationship because you couldent wait.

 

you're on the right track. keep going!

[Me and myself]

in the mean time it's good to open doors, still meet people, have coffee etc.

 

That's the right attitude to have.