Is this a reasonable situation for a potential breakup?

[TheBigQuestion]

I'm going to briefly describe my situation, and while I have discussed this with a few of my friends on occasion, I figure coming to an anonymous but honest source is a good way to get some insight.

 

In a nutshell, I am in my second year of college and I have been dating the same girl for over 2 and 1/2 years. She is a year younger than me and she followed me to the same university (although she had aspirations of coming here before I did). Our relationship was such that our affection for each other grew over time, as opposed to how many couples work (in which it starts off quite affectionate and then tapers off). I will be totally honest and say that our feelings for each other are genuine. We have worked through many problems throughout our time together and most of them have led to reasonable conditions of understanding. However, as the months go by and we approach our third anniversary, question marks seem to be flying in my head. I first noticed these questions and insecurities a few months ago.

 

I will say that despite our genuine affection for each other, I made it fairly clear that engagement was absolutely out of the question (and while disheartened, my significant other never genuinely protested). This is the first actual relationship that I've ever had, and I never believed that it would last this long. I am for the most part happy in the relationship but I feel that I may be losing out on the freedoms that many other people in the college age-range assert for themselves. For whatever reason, I am not convinced that just because we don't have any real problems that it should automatically follow that we should stay together. I've been contemplating having a serious discussion about this with, and it will happen soon once our lives calm down considerably (from the hustle and bustle of academics, for instance).

 

But in the meantime, I have some questions for someone who would be witnessing this situation from the outside. First, am I a heartless bastard if at least part of me seeks to find something other than what I am familiar with, even if what I am familiar with poses no significant problems to my sense of happinesss in any true way? It really does seem that my latent desire to break up with my girlfriend is at least partially fueled by simply not having the freedom to get to know other girls without any problems in the short time I have remaining in my college life. Like I said, I have a hard time pinpointing actually being unhappy with something in my relationship (if I nitpick, I'm sure I could find tons of things, but then again so could everybody).

 

The point is that we need to have a talk, and we're going to have a talk very soon. But I am just trying to get some outside perspective on the situation, since it seems counterintuitive to break up with someone when you have no substantive reason to do so.

 

On the other hand, how do you keep a long-term relationship alive when there is clearly no promise of engagement or marriage in the future? Are the sentiments that I'm having just a natural consequence of not establishing a clear end for our relationship?

 

Any advice or personal experience is greatly appreciated. I thank you all for reading.

[GQstatus]

I hear and have seen a lot of friends go through this in college. Their first real relationship, being the only one they've had. I wish I could give you some personal experience, but unfortunately I was quite the little man w**** starting from a young age, so I got all that out of the way, and am now more serious about relationships.

 

I think that if you're already feeling this way, it won't go away. It will constantly be in the back of your mind. And honestly, that isn't fair to your gf. I don't doubt for a second you don't love her, but maybe it's time to cut the string and live the single life for a while. It's hard to know what you really want, when you've only been in one relationship.

 

Just know that if you do "take a break" or "break up", you risk the chance of losing her, and what you guys have/had forever. But who's to say you won't get back together later on?

 

My parents were childhood sweethearts, dated from 16 up. Got married when my mom was 21, my dad was 23. They were married for 25 years, and the last 5 they might as well of been invisible to each other. They never faught, argued, anything in front of us, but it was obvious they had already went their own ways while still being married, and living in the same home.

 

I asked my mom last year, after 7 years of divorce why she decided to leave him. And she told me she still loves him a lot, and believes he is her soul mate, but she felt like she had missed out on many years of happiness because she just "settled". She had never dated anyone besides him, and still to this day loves her independence. She recently moved in with her bf of 6 years, and still says sometimes "Sometimes I just wish being on my own, having my own things, and living my own life".

 

I think in this situation, you should listen to your heart. You're right, you could be missing out on a lot of things. But at the same time, you might be missing out on what you already have.

[Daligal83]

You say that she doesn't get in the way of your happiness...but does she add to it? Just because she isn't making you unhappy does mean she's making you happy. It doesn't sound like you are particularly enjoying your relationship anymore. You can still deeply care for that person, while not wanting to be with them anymore.

 

I would take a look at your relationship. Do you want to be in it? Aside from what you may be missing from other girls, do you want to be in the relationship you have right now?

[jengh]

Daligal is right...

 

You're still young, I think you need to date around a little bit more (i said DATE, not sleep around) and see who else is out there. Maybe this girl is the one, but she's not the one for right now. Maybe in the future, you'll get back together.

 

But for now, I think you need to take some time apart and get to know yourself again. When you're in a long-term relationship like that, you invest so much time and care into the other person, that sometimes you lose yourself.

 

Go do some things you enjoy... without her.

 

I'd say, spend about a month apart from each other and then try to build up a friendship with her... and go from there.

[jengh]

I went through a very similar situation, except the guy was a bit older than me. We dated through highschool and my freshman year of college. He was the one who wanted to get married though. At first I was thrilled, but then I went off to school and saw all of the possibilities. Not just with guys, but in general...travel opportunities, social, etc.

 

I wound up breaking up with him.

It was probably the hardest decision I've ever had to make and it hurt so bad not talking to him anymore. He was my rock, my best friend.

 

A couple months later, I e-mailed him to ask how he was doing and things flourished from there. We're 100% platonic but very close friends. We even give each other dating advice.

 

 

My point is, some people just make better friends than a couple.

 

Would you rather drag this relationship on, be unsure and after a while, start to really dislike her and blame her for your being miserable

or

Would you rather break things off relationship-wise, take a break from each other and in the future, become great friends or even maybe get back together if it's right

[GQstatus]

My point is, some people just make better friends than a couple.

 

So very true. It's easy to get caught up in those feelings of "love" before you really get to know someone, and start off as friends. You find someone you love being around, and spending time with, you care about etc and feel "comfortable" being in that relationship.

 

After relationships end, if you eventually do become friends with your ex in the future, it usually becomes very clear you were better of just friends in the beginning.

 

Funny how things like that work out.

[psu11]

hey there,

 

my ex and i broke up with no real problems in the relationship. and after reading your post, i get the sense that you're heart just isnt in it anymore. i would suggest having a talk with her because these feelings are only going to progress. my ex shared the same feelings as you and although it was hard for me, i appreciated the fact that he was very open to me about it (we dated for a little over 2 years). at first i noticed little changes but since there was nothing wrong with us, i just figured it had something to do with work. he was just as confused as you seem to be.

 

with you being in college, i think that this may be the best time to explore other options, you are going to learn a lot about yourself these next few years. however, there is a chance you may let her go and regret it. my suggestion is to weigh you're options, pros and cons of leaving the relationship. it isnt fair to you or her to stay in a relationship that you are iffy on.

[TheBigQuestion]

Thanks to everyone for their insights.