She says "yes" or I take a hike - opinions?

[boomvang]

The lady and I have been together for more than 2 years and for the most part it has been very good. But she seems to lack the level of commitment to me that I have to her. I want to be with her from now on, and believe me, at my age I have a pretty good idea what I want. I have suggested marriage to her a few times and she has pretty much dismissed the idea because of her son who lives with her. More and more I'm thinking that isn't the reason - that she would marry someone if she wanted to marry them whether her son is with her or not, and in fact, it seems she'd want a man in the house to help. There's more, much more, but no time for it all. One other critical thing, which is just a theory, is this: she recently took the position as a high-visibility personality in the management of a large hospital. When she got the job she started dieting and slimmed way down and started buying lots of sexy clothes, saying she needs to look good because she is in the public eye. She no longer invites me to accompany her to her work-related evening events as she always used to. I think she's doctor/husband-shopping (I'm not nearly so well compensated as a typical doctor). So... I have a plan. I'm not getting any younger, something needs to start happening. I'm going to buy a ring and propose to her, and if she refuses, I'm gone. Criticisms?

[pinksheep]

Yikes I'd be hesitant to spend the money on a ring judging by how she's reacted to the topic of marriage. My thought is what if she says yes but really isn't sure? Could cause trouble down the road. But at the same time, if it's gonna determine whether you waste any more time or not if she's not really in it for the long run, go for it. Best of luck.

[DN]

I agree about not buying the ring even if you do propose. You rarely get the value back if you return it. I suppose you could ask if you could return it within a few days if necessary.

 

Are you sure you want to propose anyway? The relationship doesn't seem very balanced or healthy.

[boomvang]

She's a very self-assured and confident soul - if she says "yes" she means it. I'm with you though, pinksheep, I'm a bit reluctant to spring for the ring. Hope I can resell it if need be - I'll be passing up new standing rigging on my boat in exchange for the ring. If she doesn't accept, I'm really going to need that boat for a while (my second love) to get through the heartache. I thought about proposing without a ring, but that seems to illustrate a lack of commitment on MY part - an impression I don't want to create. Being presented an expensive ring calls for an on-the-spot decision.

[boomvang]

DN, she always responds by saying that if she was going to marry anyone it would be me. I really do want to believe that; the doubts (about shopping for a sugar daddy) have just crept in recently and could be totally my imagination. I'm not materialistic that way and don't think she is, but I know lots of people are and feel it would be naive if I failed to consider the possibility that she isn't as virtuous as I've always thought.

[Jayar]

Sounds like she is just with you to kill time before she finds the one she DOES want to marry. I don't suggest you propose... But I do think a nice long hike is in order. If your gut tells you she's doctor/husband shopping, she may well be. I can't imagine being in love with a man and NOT wanting to bring him to my work functions.

[boomvang]

I know this is just my side of it, but I do put a lot into the relationship. I am always kind and patient with her even though she can have a pretty lousy disposition from time to time. I give her things, take her places, care for her house, help with her kid, love her and her family. (It may be important to note that she makes more than twice as much money as I do and is right at "rich.") All this comes easy to me, and I hate the idea of losing her. Frankly, I've started thinking lately that she doesn't deserve me - a twist for my insecure nature. I do more for/with her than I do for/with my kids (they live with their mother in another town).

[mxfun]

I would REALLY be careful. If she dismisses marriage talk AND doesn't invite you to company events, I would honestly wonder what her motives are.

 

My ex-husband started dieting, buying new clothes, not inviting me to public events anymore, flossing his teeth, buying new underwear...sound familiar? He was having affairs. This is why I left and he is my EX. This happened 7 years ago...but I still remember it well. I am not saying this is what your gal is doing, I am merely pointing out that these are some signs of intent.

 

Good luck with whatever you decide. We are here.

[Scout]

If she has already told you she doesn't want to marry you, what will buying a ring and proposing to her change? Also, if you truly think she's the kind of woman who is shopping for a doctor husband, why would you want to marry her? I'm not saying she is that kind of woman. But I am saying that it would be a better idea to partner with someone who you have a higher opinion of. You even say you don't think she deserves you. It's almost like you want her to accept your proposal so you can "win" somehow. Like DN said, this doesn't seem to be a very balanced relationship.

[Hardrock]

Trust your gut. What if she says yes just to string you along a while longer? I would just tell her what I felt, and leave it at that. Sounds like she's not commited to the relationship, and you're bordering on being a doormat. You can't logically assmilate her emotional wafflings, and chances are, if she really feels the way you perceive her to feel, she won't come clean and tell you. Trust actions over words. If she is cutting you out of things that previously she would not, for no apparent reason, you have your message right there. I wouldn't buy a ring unless I was 100% certain for at least a few weeks, that this was what I wanted. Dig a little deeper and ask a few more questions of her.

[boomvang]

But I am saying that it would be a better idea to partner with someone who you have a higher opinion of. You even say you don't think she deserves you. It's almost like you want her to accept your proposal so you can "win" somehow. Like DN said, this doesn't seem to be a very balanced relationship.

 

Scout, I'm getting old... I won't be this pretty much longer hahahahaha and she's a got a lot going for her. I'm not eager to toss her back, if you know what I mean. There's the distinct possibility that I could be all wrong about her lately.

[Scout]

Scout, I'm getting old... I won't be this pretty much longer hahahahaha and she's a got a lot going for her. I'm not eager to toss her back, if you know what I mean. There's the distinct possibility that I could be all wrong about her lately.

 

I understand, although may I tell you that love can and does find us at any age? I know that sounds like a trite little cliche, but I've known people 60, 70 years old who found true love again.

 

And I'd hate for you to make a decision based on feelings of fear and desperation. I'm afraid she'd just reject your proposal, based on the conversations you two have already had. And then you'd feel worse.

 

Look, why don't you just sit down with her and talk about your future? Tell her some of your concerns (not in an accusatory way). Tell her why you think you two would be a good team, but also let her know that you respect her feelings about the matter, too - and want to hear them.

 

I'm sure she's got a lot going for her, but you have to believe in yourself a little more, too. And you have to respect your own needs - you seem to want a life partner, and there is NOTHING WRONG with that! But, it's going to work out better for you in the long run if you find someone who wants to be with you for life, too.

[DN]

It may be that she isn't after a doctor type for his money (as in being a gold-digger) but simply because she is looking for someone of that sort of status.

 

I think it a mistake to stay with someone who is making you unhappy because you fear you won't find anyone else.

[treefrogkate]

If she has already told you she doesn't want to marry you, what will buying a ring and proposing to her change?

 

I second this. Besides, ultimatums aren't a good way to start a marriage.

[EvaGina]

What I dont get is why you think an independent woman would want a man in the house to help... She might find the idea abhorrent... a lot of women dont like to feel that they are dependant on a man, or made to feel like the poor, helpless woman...

 

Also, marrying someone just so you're not alone is the first step towards disaster, not to mention trying to force her into it.

[hosswhispra]

Don't take this the wrong way anyone....

 

But this post makes me think that men only propose when they think they are going to lose the woman.

[hosswhispra]

What I dont get is why you think an independent woman would want a man in the house to help... She might find the idea abhorrent... a lot of women dont like to feel that they are dependant on a man, or made to feel like the poor, helpless woman...

 

Yes, I used to think a lot like like you about this subject Eva

 

But as an independent woman myself-well, sometimes I get really tired of having just "me" to rely on. This independent woman would appreciate having someone else's support and someone to depend on

[hosswhispra]

She's a very self-assured and confident soul

 

Wow, John Gray is RIGHT. Men like self-assured women. Interesting.

[ealmdm]

The best thing I think that you can possibly do is this: talk to her about it. Make her understand how you feel. Don't be critical of her behavior or her opinions, before you know exactly what is going through her head. It can be extremely difficult for a single mother to actually go through with a marriage, because her child is always going to be the most important thing in her life. He has probably been the only person she could ever count on being there with her no matter what ... She is also probably accustomed to a certain way of life ... just her and her boy, and may just be terrified that making a change could cause irreperable damage ... Would the stress be worth the benefit? Understand? Also ... I like to look sexy when I'm in the public eye ... I don't want someone other than my fiance. Its just a girl thing, I guess. The truth is, you won't know for sure until the two of you have a deep, heart-to-heart conversation. But don't go in with the ultimatum ... keep it friendly, because when you both become stressed and defensive nothing is ever accomplished.

[Aleadragonhawk]

If she refuses to consider the idea of marriage when talking to you, I don't see where a formal proposal is going to change her mind.

[boomvang]

If she refuses to consider the idea of marriage when talking to you, I don't see where a formal proposal is going to change her mind.

 

Some have strayed a bit off-topic with the self-reliance thing, but this post gets it back on track... Thanks hawk. Here's my response: In the past, when marriage came up, it was sorta hypothetical... in other words, I didn't have anything specific in mind and didn't have a ring in hand. And after that happened a few times, I can see where she may have started getting the idea that i wasn't all that serious about it, so her seemingly discouraging response may have been a defense mechanism. Does that make sense? So... this time it's for real. I'm on a knee with a ring in hand. My thinking is, that gesture will flush the quail out of the bushes, so to speak.

 

Now... back to self-reliant women since some of you want to talk about it. Here's my chance to be the counselor. An emotionally healthy person, male of female, knows when to be independently self-reliant and when to put faith in a partner. People who are unable to place some of their needs in a loved-one's hands are destined for a life of bitterness and discontent. So, while I, like any enlightened man, appreciate a woman who takes responsibility for her self, I have no use for crusaders. Rosy O'Donnell is a bitter unhappy old cuss. Who needs her. How do I word this? If my SO decides to go the gold digger route, well... frankly, I won't be surprised and really hope I wouldn't judge her harshly for it. We all need money. I'll be the first to admit that it would take a rare woman to get my attention if she was really poor. But I hope her character is richer than that and that I am the man for her, as she says. I'm fixing to find out.

 

What I'm hoping to find out with a formal proposal is whether I'm her man for the ages, regardless of my financial state, or if I'm just a bridge. It's the fundamental of romance, right? Does she love me? Not for what I have or what I can be, but for what I am. I believe a dirty knee and a month's wages in a little box are my best bet for getting the truth out into the open.

[hosswhispra]

What I'm hoping to find out with a formal proposal is whether I'm her man for the ages, regardless of my financial state, or if I'm just a bridge. It's the fundamental of romance, right? Does she love me? Not for what I have or what I can be, but for what I am. I believe a dirty knee and a month's wages in a little box are my best bet for getting the truth out into the open.

 

Life is too short not to do the things that you want to. You want to propose to this woman. You will get an answer--and that is what you want.

 

As for Rosie O'Donnell--she fell in love, too. She's married to Kelli Carpenter.

[boomvang]

As for Rosie O'Donnell--she fell in love, too. She's married to Kelli Carpenter.

 

yeah, that's healthy

[Scout]

yeah, that's healthy

 

Well, they're married. They've made a commitment. And they have a family. You might not think it's healthy, but they're happy. You, however, are not in your current situation.

[boomvang]

lol Scout, you filled in the blanks *grin* actually, I have no opinion of Rosie's sexuality, I just don't like her.

 

I wouldn't say I'm particularly unhappy currently - I'm more thinking about long term. I'm of the mindset that if all I do is live for the moment I'm at the mercy of a bunch of moments.