HELP - How do you stop loving someone?

[La_Principessa]

I am currently dating a guy whom i love more than everything in this world and more than i've ever loved anyone before. Unfortunately, it has to stop... I have to stop loving him because we are going nowhere. I know that he loves me too but i also know that it'd be easier for him to move on. I want to get myself prepared for that day. We've been together for 6 months but we broke up before for a month due to our incompatiblities. However, we both were miserable and we couldn't let go of each other. So we got back together. Today is only after a month since we got back together and i can feel that another break-up is coming our way.... Maybe it will happen tonight or tomorrow or 2 weeks from now. I have to start to stop loving him...

 

Please help.... Thank you. ](*,)

[karvala]

Well the short answer to the question is probably no contact.

 

But the longer answer obviously involves the question why you want to break up with him in the first place. Yes, you two may not be completely ideal, yes you may have incompatibility, yes you may not even feel like you're moving forwards. But nobody is keeping score on your relationship, you're not an entrant for an ideal relationship award.

 

My point is this: ask yourself simply if you're happy today, and whether or not you would be happier with or without your bf? If with, then ask the same question about tomorrow. If still happier, then commit to what you have, and try hard to overcome what you see as the problems, and make things work. Even if you don't succeed, you'll be stronger for the exercise. Walking away from a relationship, because it's less than perfect, when the two of you clearly love each other, is not a pattern you want to start without a very good reason in my view.

[La_Principessa]

I'm sorry you're going through that, I really am. From my recent "liberation" from my abusive ex, I know what it's like to be going against the tide. How do you know you're incompatible? What's telling you that? What are the "red flags?" Why are you both so miserable?

 

If you're heart and gut are telling you it's not going to work, in the long run, then it's best to let it go. The love may never go away, that's something you may have to prepare yourself for. Sometimes love isn't enough though. If you're not happy, and not getting out of the relationship what you should be getting, it's best to let go and move on. Let yourself heal, don't forget we're here for you!

 

Dan on Long Island.

Dan,

 

Thank you for your reply.

 

We both know that we are incompatible because in the beginning he "somewhat" misled me. I have been true to myself and him. For example, he's originally from FL and he brought up the issue that one day he might want to move back home. I told him since day ONE that there's no way I'm moving to FL. I love my life here and even if i were to move, I would move to a bigger city. I'm a city girl... And i also emphsized how i loved the 4 seasons. That's the reason why we broke up the first time in January. Another example, although i'm only 24, i feel like i'm more mature than the normal 24 y.o. girls. He loved that about me... and he showed me how he was more mature than normal 26 y.o. as well. I was surprised by that because all my ex-bfs were at least 10 years older than me. Not only recently we both realized that he's not that mature after all. He still loves going to bars and gets drunk... Once in a while, that's acceptable, but not twice a week.

 

There are just too many to mention... The way i feel right now is that i'm so happy with him yet i'm miserable because we both know deep inside that we're incompatible.

[La_Principessa]

Karvala,

 

I DON'T want to break up with him. I love him dearly... but i just see it coming. Sooner or later... I do not hope for an ideal relationship with him. However, the way i feel with him is that he wants things mostly to be his way or highway. I don't questions the fact that he does things for me too... but on those issues where i have problem with, our compromise is that he's only willing to walk 20% and i have to do the 80%. And we have alot of those issues... we fight a lot over hypothetical issues that might come up in the future.

[Wotgorilla]

BTW, I don't blame you about Florida. A nice place to visit, but not a nice place to live, until I'm retired anyway!

 

Dan on LI

[La_Principessa]

Dan,

 

I don't "judge" his maturity by his drinking habits. I am soooo over the party scene and he hasn't. He loves to do that. So, my choice is either i suck it up and go with him or i let him go by himself. He does it on Friday and Saturday. Weekend is my time because during weekdays we are both busy with our works. He travels alot for his work and family. I travel couple times a year overseas to visit my family as well. So, the other time that we have together, i want us to spend quality time together. Not with him and his drunk-self....

 

That was just an example. There are more other things about him that i find immature....

[Jetta]

Well it seems maturity is more important to you than love and compromise.

[karvala]

Karvala,

 

I DON'T want to break up with him. I love him dearly... but i just see it coming. Sooner or later... I do not hope for an ideal relationship with him. However, the way i feel with him is that he wants things mostly to be his way or highway. I don't questions the fact that he does things for me too... but on those issues where i have problem with, our compromise is that he's only willing to walk 20% and i have to do the 80%. And we have alot of those issues... we fight a lot over hypothetical issues that might come up in the future.

 

Ah, now there's a different (albeit related), and much more compelling reason to break up. Not because you have incompatibilities, but because only one of you (you, to your credit) is willing to make a serious effort to overcome them.

 

It's often said that in successful relationships, there is a dominant partner and a submissive partner, and the submissive partner is the one who offers most of the compromises. I've been in both roles in different relationships, and recently very clearly in the submissive role, where, like you, I had to move 80% of the way in a compromise, it was her way or the highway quite often). It's difficult to get used to without resentment, and is not suitably for all personalities, and it can undoubtedly lead to the sort of insecurity that you're feeling about the relationship as well, because he has the power, or so it seems.

 

The truth is, if you're not happy in that role, or cannot see the merit in remaining in it, then you have to try to reassert your power in the relationship, even if that means risking the end of the relationship. You may be pleasantly surprised to find that he's less willing to end things permanently that you currently think (this is my experience at least). You may also be pleasantly surprised to find that even if things do seem to end, not having to give in each day can be quite liberating.

 

Sounds like your relationship needs rebalancing a little. Perhaps try a break; I normally loathe the concept, but in this case it could serve the dual purposes of freeing you a little, giving you more room to prepare for the end if it's going to come, and giving him a little reminder of the good things with you, by their absense.

[La_Principessa]

Karvala,

 

Because we have incompatibilities, that's why we have to compromise. I am not looking for 100% male version of me, and i'm well aware that no matter who i'm with, i'd have to compromise and adjust. I'm just hoping that he'd walk towards me more...

 

I agree with your idea of a little break. I'll try not to spend too much time with him so that i can slowly let him go... Or this relationship may come out differently after that. I'm hoping that i will never have to let him go... but i will try. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

[Siriana]

If you see you two not working long term and find it hard to brake up now date till the rose tinted eyeglasses phase is over.

Yes, you are seing incompatibilities but the relationship is still new and exciting. Once you're out of that phase it will be easier to finish it because the element of exciting and new will disappear.

If you're over that phase you need to let go now.

[Wotgorilla]

Karvala,

 

Because we have incompatibilities, that's why we have to compromise. I am not looking for 100% male version of me, and i'm well aware that no matter who i'm with, i'd have to compromise and adjust. I'm just hoping that he'd walk towards me more...

 

I agree with your idea of a little break. I'll try not to spend too much time with him so that i can slowly let him go... Or this relationship may come out differently after that. I'm hoping that i will never have to let him go... but i will try. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

 

Hang in there, trust your instincts...........

 

I also agree with the break idea, or simply backing off to see what happens. If it's meant to be, he will walk towards you, if not, you can know in your heart that it's time to let go.

 

We're here for you,

 

Dan on LI.

[desert_rose26]

I had a similar post to this one called "how do I stop my infatuation" and someone left a very good post.