Confidence in the face of repeated failures...

[InfinityPlusTwo]

How does someone maintain their self-confidence in the face of repeated letdowns, disappointments, and failures? Today the cutest girl ever totally fell into my lap (figuratively.....) and I didn't capitalize on it. Now I don't know if I'll ever see her again. And the other girl I've been interested in, well...she never got back to me about whether or not they were going out tonight. Today after work (noon-ish) I came home and crawled into bed for hours. Even right now I just want to bundle up and close my eyes to everything.

 

There are basically two things that are important to me: the opposite sex, and music. You know where I stand with the former right now. With the latter...since I was 14 or 15 I've made a commitment to music and I've wanted to make it my career. I graduated from UCLA last June and I'm working a part-time temp job at a hospital, I'm supposed to be "working" on my "music." I'm a good drummer, an ok guitarist/pianist, mediocore/bad singer. I haven't written a song in ages...though I am toying with a neat piano riff and I keep a record of all these lyric ideas that pop into my head. the girl who was supposed to be my collaboration partner basically 'dumped' me the other day because she only wanted to do "punk." Oh well, her music tastes kind of sucked anyway. But most of you would think my tastes suck. I can't seem to find anyone that wants to do what I want to do...

 

I could go on but I really need to get rolling here because I don't know what else to do and I don't want to get trapped doing something else and get sucked away from what I really want to do. When I'm listening to a really good song and get lost in it it makes me feel so inspired and I think 'this, THIS...is what I really want to be doing........"

 

These are the two things I really need help with. 1) Music and 2) Ladies. And how to pick myself up and give myself self-confidence when all I remember in my past is failure.

[GQstatus]

I feel you brother. It's hard to be confident when your life keeps handing you piles of s***! But guess what, tomorrows another day, and a new beginning. If you're into music like you say, do you go to a lot of shows? Being in SoCal I KNOW there are lots and lots of shows, especially on the weekends. Try going to a couple, always a lot of cool chicks around there.

 

You need to look at yourself in the mirror and say "I'm awesome!" and truly believe it. You graduated from UCLA? Dude that's major, and you should be really proud of yourself.

 

You're definitely not going to meet any ladies curled up in your bed hugging a teddy bear! Go out with friends, be happy, put a smile on your face, and talk to girls!

 

When trying to get a girls number, or just talking to girls, try to remember that if it DOESN'T work, you more than likely wont' see her again anyway, so what do you have to lose? If it does work, well then you're off to dating land.

 

Don't be so hard on yourself my man. You're still young like me, we still have all the oppurtunity and time in the world to meet girls!

[CrazyKing]

Hmmm, Are you my brother??? Because I've been like crazy into music and girls since the beginning of my 'teens'...

I'm a bigbeat and breakbeat freak, and the biggest problem is finding somebody who could do vocals for me, now the only songs I write contain either pointless phrases by me or sampled s*** from movies...

 

Just focus all your mind on the things you really want in your life - plus, if you get more patience while working in your current job, you won't have problems making music (that needs a whole load of patience and self-esteem)...

[Jetta]

Musically - focus on becoming a great drummer.

 

As far a woman - just ask the ones your interested out. The worst they can say is no, and if they say yes well you may end up with a girlfriend.

[InfinityPlusTwo]

Yeah but the point is after what seems like a whole lifetime of social issues, rejections, failures, letdowns....time and time and time again...you get disillusioned and it doesn't make you very confident in yourself, makes you expect to keep on failing...

 

thanks btw for the feedback. i'm just impossibly critical.

[CrazyKing]

Try to look at yourself, I didn't do that earlier but I should have done that - I always tried to label me as the good guy who get's rejected by a girl, because she's unable to see my 'beautiful' inside or whatever - now I see that I've always been the one who's doing something wrong in dates - my behaviour and the way that I'm going through life made them think that I'm quite an odd person...

 

Maybe trying to figure out why you want a relationship helps, and try to look at yourself like you're somebody else on the street - how do you look like and so on...

[StillClimbing]

Try not to focus on all the bad luck, rejections and failures. Some of the most successful people I know have a history of disappointments in their pasts (unhappy childhood homes, heatbreak, failure, mistakes, etc). But they succeed because they dont sit around feeling sorry for themselves or using past negatives as the precedent or guiding light for their futures.

 

They are able to compartmentalize different times in their lives. This means that each event is singular and does not set the tone for the next. So your partner with the bad musical taste left? That does not mean the next partner will leave...and hopefully that person will have GREAT taste!

 

EVERYONE has failure in life.

 

What you don't have is PRIDE.

 

You know what that means? It means that you have a gang of internal bullies (your list of negatives and failures) who come and pick on you each day. And what do you do in response? You let them. You don't fight them off or tell them to get lost.

 

Grow some guns, my friend. Fight them off, tell them to get lost and tell yourself you WILL succeed.

 

As for girls...

I would say you need to build your confidence first. You need to be happy in your own skin to attract a girl. I've dated both kinds of guys...and honestly, the confidence can make everything about a person seem better. One guy I dated was short, bald and really annoying, but I was attracted to his confidence. On the other hand, I dated someone who was really hot, really kind, but lacked confidence and I broke things off! It's all a matter of presentation. You have to learn this to be successful in all aspects of life. And if you don't feel it, "fake it til you make it"!!!

 

As for the music....

 

You live in SoCal, bro. Put up some flyers in local coffee shops, record stores, colleges, bars "looking for bandmates" and list your genre. Or post on craigslist! You need to put in serious effort for anything you truly want...that includes success, love and happiness. Just cause the TV and movies and books growing up told you otherwise does not mean that's true!

 

Good luck!

[kaydrum]

You are focusing on everything negative in your life! You really have to start believing in yourself, refuse to listen to your negative self talk it is making things worse for you. Tell yourself daily how great you are, and I am sure you are! you just have to get that message into your subconscious, then you will be on your way to success! When you meet a girl you like, ask questions about her, make her feel important, be sure to listen to what she tells you!