heyadrian Posted March 22, 2007 Share Posted March 22, 2007 Hi Guys, Well here goes a long one, so I hope you have some time to read I moved in with my fiancee at the beginning of this year and things then were super. After being together for about 2 months things went pearshaped. This was ALL my fault and I know it. I began drinking heavily to deal with my own insecurities. I didnt trust her as all I saw her do was sit on the chat for hours on end, day after day talking to more and more strange men off the internet. I did speak to her about these insecurities but she tried reassuring me yet carried on talking to these guys. The more insecure I got about things, the more I drank to try and numb the horrible feelings that were stirring up inside me. One of these guys began to stand out a little. She would sit sometimes for the entire evening talking to him while I sat in the lounge. After reading one or two of the conversations, I noticed that things were getting a little hot under the collar. I spoke to her about this and she said that he was only a friend and thats how she pranks around with her friends. I tried telling her that due to most of my previous relationships going wrong as my past girlfriends cheated on me and left me with a shattered heart. Once again she reassured me and said that she and he were only friends. After several weeks of this happening, I emailed this guy in question and literally begged for some space so I could get some time with her. He mailed back and in short told me that I need to trust her and reassured me that they were only friends and that he would give us the space I so desperately needed. A week later, my fiancee was going out on a ladies night out. Only things is I got wind that this guy was coming and she wasn't going to tell me? THis really didn't help my feelings at all. It literally tormented me that this fact was going to be hidden. When the day came, I wasn't happy about her going out, but I still told her that I'd get some drinks so they can come back to the house and ahve a few drinks on me. She went out and later on that evening I sent her a few text messages. The first one read something like "Why are you doing this to me? This is killing me inside" or something to that effect. - No answer. I sent a few others along those lines but no answers at all. A bit further into the evening, I said that I'd be out in towncould i meet up with them? She said yeah, sure. When I got to town, I found that her phone was turned off. I tried calling and text messaging a few times but no joy. WHen I got home, I waited up as she said that she'd be home at 2ish. No one came home until 11 the next day During the day things escalated and we ended up argueing and I got drunk (yet again), but a serious fight broke out. First started the volley of nasty things being said, then I ended up pushing her, she fell so I kicked her in the small of her back. SHe ended up throwing me about too leaving some pretty nasty bruises on me. Ok, I can all hear you sigh. I shouldnt have gone that far. I know, I was a stupid drunk thinking like a stupid drunk. I promised her that I'd stop drinking and try life again. But that week, same old thing, she sat on the chat doing her thing, so I tried to numb my feelings with booze... again... This time I got physical... With myself... I hurt myself in several ways but never laid a finger on her. Because of all of this, my stupidity, clingyness and worrying about everything (thanks to booze) I've been kicked out the house, had to move to another country in order to have somewhere to live. Before I left we spoke. We talked about the good times, the bad times too etc... We both agreed that some space would be good for us to sort ourselves out. So I left... Now I'm in Scotland, 30 miles from any shops, cigarettes or alchohol I have a chance to detox, stop smoking and clear my head. I know that the next few weeks will be utter hell for me because on top of being so ashamed of what I turned into, the stress of my family thinking that I'm a loser for messing this relationship up (which I did), knowing that someone I love probably hates me with all her might I have to deal with the cravings and DT's of clearing all the crudd out of my system. I'm on day 4 now, and its not fun. I am gagging for a cigarette, I really wouldn't mind a drink to calm me down but I know I can't have any of that. I told her on the phone either this morning or yesterday morning the position im in. That I'm sorting myself out, that I have no choice now but to detox. The people who I'm staying with are seeing to it I clean myself up and I asked her for a little hope. Just a tad of hope that when and if I do sort myself out that I could come home to something? She won't answer me I really don't blame her, but now my head is a little clearer (i.e. I'm not drunk and her kicking me out woke me RIGHT up) I see what I have, or is it what I had still don't know. I need some advice here as to what I should do? Ok I do realise if some alchoholics pass by here, yes, I am attending AA meetings up here. Unfortunately they are only 2 times a week because I live in a small community (very very very small). I did manage to get myself a sponsor to help me when I'm really stuck etc... The advice I need is NOT should I do this or not. Point is, I have to stop drinking and smoking because they'll kill me and in a terrible way. The advice is what do I do for her? How should I talk to her? How do I quell the feelings inside me of shame and hate for what I've done and how do I show her that I'm getting better and that I am taking positive steps finally? I did tell her that I have a mile to walk taking baby steps to get there. She knows that, but I just need some light at the end of the tunnel. Please can someone help me with that? I'm lost and have nowhere to turn for advice or even a hug or something that could make me feel better. Cheers Adrian Link to comment
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