Detox and TImeout to Save Whats Left

[heyadrian]

Hi Guys,

 

Well here goes a long one, so I hope you have some time to read I moved in with my fiancee at the beginning of this year and things then were super. After being together for about 2 months things went pearshaped. This was ALL my fault and I know it. I began drinking heavily to deal with my own insecurities.

 

I didnt trust her as all I saw her do was sit on the chat for hours on end, day after day talking to more and more strange men off the internet. I did speak to her about these insecurities but she tried reassuring me yet carried on talking to these guys.

 

The more insecure I got about things, the more I drank to try and numb the horrible feelings that were stirring up inside me.

 

One of these guys began to stand out a little. She would sit sometimes for the entire evening talking to him while I sat in the lounge. After reading one or two of the conversations, I noticed that things were getting a little hot under the collar. I spoke to her about this and she said that he was only a friend and thats how she pranks around with her friends.

 

I tried telling her that due to most of my previous relationships going wrong as my past girlfriends cheated on me and left me with a shattered heart. Once again she reassured me and said that she and he were only friends.

 

After several weeks of this happening, I emailed this guy in question and literally begged for some space so I could get some time with her. He mailed back and in short told me that I need to trust her and reassured me that they were only friends and that he would give us the space I so desperately needed.

 

A week later, my fiancee was going out on a ladies night out. Only things is I got wind that this guy was coming and she wasn't going to tell me? THis really didn't help my feelings at all. It literally tormented me that this fact was going to be hidden.

 

When the day came, I wasn't happy about her going out, but I still told her that I'd get some drinks so they can come back to the house and ahve a few drinks on me. She went out and later on that evening I sent her a few text messages.

 

The first one read something like "Why are you doing this to me? This is killing me inside" or something to that effect. - No answer. I sent a few others along those lines but no answers at all. A bit further into the evening, I said that I'd be out in towncould i meet up with them? She said yeah, sure.

 

When I got to town, I found that her phone was turned off. I tried calling and text messaging a few times but no joy.

 

WHen I got home, I waited up as she said that she'd be home at 2ish. No one came home until 11 the next day

 

During the day things escalated and we ended up argueing and I got drunk (yet again), but a serious fight broke out. First started the volley of nasty things being said, then I ended up pushing her, she fell so I kicked her in the small of her back. SHe ended up throwing me about too leaving some pretty nasty bruises on me.

 

Ok, I can all hear you sigh. I shouldnt have gone that far. I know, I was a stupid drunk thinking like a stupid drunk. I promised her that I'd stop drinking and try life again. But that week, same old thing, she sat on the chat doing her thing, so I tried to numb my feelings with booze... again... This time I got physical... With myself... I hurt myself in several ways but never laid a finger on her.

 

Because of all of this, my stupidity, clingyness and worrying about everything (thanks to booze) I've been kicked out the house, had to move to another country in order to have somewhere to live.

 

Before I left we spoke. We talked about the good times, the bad times too etc... We both agreed that some space would be good for us to sort ourselves out. So I left...

 

Now I'm in Scotland, 30 miles from any shops, cigarettes or alchohol I have a chance to detox, stop smoking and clear my head. I know that the next few weeks will be utter hell for me because on top of being so ashamed of what I turned into, the stress of my family thinking that I'm a loser for messing this relationship up (which I did), knowing that someone I love probably hates me with all her might I have to deal with the cravings and DT's of clearing all the crudd out of my system.

 

I'm on day 4 now, and its not fun. I am gagging for a cigarette, I really wouldn't mind a drink to calm me down but I know I can't have any of that.

 

I told her on the phone either this morning or yesterday morning the position im in. That I'm sorting myself out, that I have no choice now but to detox. The people who I'm staying with are seeing to it I clean myself up and I asked her for a little hope. Just a tad of hope that when and if I do sort myself out that I could come home to something? She won't answer me

 

I really don't blame her, but now my head is a little clearer (i.e. I'm not drunk and her kicking me out woke me RIGHT up) I see what I have, or is it what I had still don't know.

 

I need some advice here as to what I should do? Ok I do realise if some alchoholics pass by here, yes, I am attending AA meetings up here. Unfortunately they are only 2 times a week because I live in a small community (very very very small). I did manage to get myself a sponsor to help me when I'm really stuck etc...

 

The advice I need is NOT should I do this or not. Point is, I have to stop drinking and smoking because they'll kill me and in a terrible way.

 

The advice is what do I do for her? How should I talk to her? How do I quell the feelings inside me of shame and hate for what I've done and how do I show her that I'm getting better and that I am taking positive steps finally? I did tell her that I have a mile to walk taking baby steps to get there. She knows that, but I just need some light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Please can someone help me with that? I'm lost and have nowhere to turn for advice or even a hug or something that could make me feel better.

 

Cheers

 

Adrian

[yoyo123]

hmmm that is a tricky one. I think look after number one here. I know you love her but cleaning yourself up for her is for the wrong reason.

 

I think that she wanted you out to see you get up YOURSELF and sort YOURSELF out without unleashing any of YOUR insecurities on her.

 

I agree and think that the break would be good, but stay away from drinks, dont worry about the smoking haha but if you want to stop it, good on you.

 

i dont know much about drinking myself, but if it makes you aggressive and turns your insecurities on then stop it altogether.

 

good luck, i know you can do it!

 

yoyo

[yoyo123]

oh ya

 

I just thought. She probably will be angry at you for a while but DO NOT GET ANGRY BACK AT HER. it will frustrate you and hurt you alot for a while but you probably deserve that for the emotional stress you pur her in.All your job is to do is fix yourself, reassure her that you love her even thought she might not say it back.hopefully she will sit back and watch you clean up.if you are willing to do this and change your life entirely for her then DO IT and stop telling her that you are doing it.i think she needs a new man,someone that doesnt drink or do stupid things because of drinks.

 

give that to her

 

yoyo

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i think there are lots of things going on here, and you need to deal with them one by one...

 

first, it is great that you recognize that you have a drinking problem and are dealing with it...

 

second, you need to learn how to deal with anger in a way that doesn't involve assaulting anyone. giving up drinking in a start, but you probably need to attend counseling and anger management. knocking down and kicking a woman is just not acceptable, and she may not be able to regain her trust for you after this incident.

 

third, it does sound like she has some problems of her own, if she is actively flirting and meeting up with people while supposedly engaged to you. so she may not be trustworthy, and this relationship may not be good for either of you.

 

so please first deal with getting yourself on your own two feet without drinking, and please try to find and attend some counseling to deal with this. AA is a great start, and once you are sober for a while and gotten back on your feet, you can move to an area where you can get more counseling, and attend daily meetings...

 

...and please don't pin your own recovery and growth on her accepting you back. you need to get well for yourself, and *maybe* she will be willing to talk to you later if she genuinely believes you are no longer drinking and have dealt with your anger issues.

 

but you need to also address the issue of whether she is really trustworthy, or this relationship is good for you. you may be pushing each other's buttons in the *wrong* way, so continuing on might not be healthy.

 

but remember that you don't have to 'fix' all these things at once. work on sobriety first, then on getting a full life back, a job, your health, etc.

[heyadrian]

I do realise that I neeed to sort them out one at a time, but looking at the situation I'm in stopping smoking and drinking and the rest is the only option. I cant even get to a shop to get some cigarettes, let alone a pack of chewing gum!

 

In regards to anger, well this is an odd one. I've NEVER been angry in my life while sober. It was so out of character that I behaved like this. THe only times that I showed anger towards her (verbally and this time physical) is when I was drunk! THis is why I really want to give up the drink ASAP!

 

And about her being trustworthy, there isn't really an issue there. I've been in chat conversations with her and other friends and alot of it is for a laugh. She is a trustworthy person and I really can't see her going astray, she is a devoted person.

 

I think that my distorted perception of things due to drink kinda blew that one o ut of perception!

 

------

 

Anyway, update: Its day FIVE now and I'm going insane! I'd kill for a cigarette but well, I suppose I have to sit here with that sickly feeling in my gut lol. Not drinking isnt getting to me, I dont think that I was far gone enough to get DT's, but never the less... meeting tonight @ 5. I got up extra early today. ermmmm. its like 07:25 and i've been up since 06:30. I soo need sleeeeeeep but I just toss and turn... Ahh well, this'll prolly go on for a while....

 

Anyhoo, I gotta gooo.

 

Adrian

[heyadrian]

so much for getting a job I had an interview today. BUt the people I'm staying with, their car failed a safety test due to something silly. Now I can't go

 

Why is sorting myself out getting harder and harder.

 

Anyway, just a small update. I did manage to speak to her for a tad on the MSN chat today, and she seems to be friendlier towards me. Thats prolly because I didnt beg for the relationship back or beg for mercy. I guess I'll take things as they come. It's scary doing that, I so much want to know that she'll be there after I pull out of these dark times.

 

Yoyo SHe did mention that I'm suffering because karma is coming back for me. Is that always the case? Darn well looks like it, but being Christian I don't believe too much in Karma and that.

 

Anyway, I didn't get angry or anything, I let her say what she had to say, and accepted it. Funny, it worked. Why wasn't I clever enough to see that should have worked before. I also told her I love her, and explained that she might not love me, but I love her and left it at that. I'm not pushing her any more, I really dont want to do that coz if I do she'll run away and probably we'll never sort this out which will utterly kill me inside.

 

Do you know what is worse that withdrawls from cigarettes? THe butterfly feelings from withdrawls with the butterflies from being worried baout your relationship on top of that! EEEEK!

 

 

Cheers

Adrian

[yoyo123]

That quite possibly could be karma, but you may see it as punishment from God. Either way it could be fair justice but I dojn't know the full story.

 

You made a step in the right direction, don't push anything, dont even try and beg her for love. you scared her so let her come to you. carry on reassuring her that you love her and that you WILL carry on sorting yourself out.

 

I think that if you can prove that you can kick the drinking (and smoking if that was a problem too), you'd find that she might see how dedicated you are. THE BALL IS IN YOUR COURT.

 

yoyo

[heyadrian]

I'm soo lost I hate being where I am. Sod the cravings and that, its the lonliness here which is killing me. Although I am with nice people, I need a hug from someone familiar

 

She won't talk to me now. She wants utter space. Well, I don't blame her... I just hope that I get to speak to her and that I get to prove myself somehow.

 

- Adrian

[kitana]

first of all im sorry to hear what you are going through but i have to admit at the sound of what you did its just wrong. no man should ever hit a woman no matter what. you say you beg her for forgivness ? is it the first time youve been aggressive towards her ? or have you done it beofre and i dont just mean kicking her i mean verbally? names hurts just as much as a kick.

has she been through anything like that before ? maybe that is why she is un willing to give it another go. you seem to have lost all her trust and to be honest i dont blame her i wouldnt stay with anyone that hit me.

you say its all because you drank and everything was fine until you drank ? well what made you drink in the first? surly after say one row you would have known ..hey this aint doing me any good but it seems you carried on. i think you should move i cant see a woman wanting to be with someone that hits her. once is enough for anyone.

im glad your sorting your self out but dont put any of this on her it was you that drank you that flipped out at as you say a mates night out.... you that took that bottle and put it to you're lips if i was you id say goodbye and leave her be and just get your self sorted out for you.. no one else

[heyadrian]

Hi Kitana,

 

Well I know I was wrong. I know that I shouldnt have hit her, but I wasn't myself. Naturally I am not aggressive at all. It was the drink. Hence the major detox I'm going through. I don't like this side to me and I want it out!

 

I was aggressive towards her, verbally, never physically in the past. Names were thrown and they were unfair. I'm hating myself for what I said there too. Once again, this is why drink has to go.

 

I think that she has been through a bad relationship before where the guy used to beat her tooa pulp, but I'm not entirely sure on the facts, she didn't talk about it much. She led a secrative live about her past, but I don't blame her because alot of it was bad

 

Yes it was all because of the drink, I drank to numb my insecurities. but the more I drank the stronger they got and the more I had to numb them I never once thought I'd end up in a cycle like that. I did realise that drinking was my problem, but I didnt realise it was the be all of problems. Thats where I went wrong. Why only when it's too late that you realise what the real problem is

 

I'm not putting anything on her, I made it clear to her that this is all my fault and that I have to lean up and sort myself out. I can't blame her, she was nothing but a sweetheart to me...

 

I don't think that I can say goodbye There might be a glimmer of hope there, but it will take alot of work on my part. We did discuss when I left that we take space out to let me clean myself up, come to realise how I should be and maybe at a later date see how things go. I can only say see you when I see you, goodbye is too permanent.

 

She means too much for me. This is why I'm giving my life up to sort myself out. NO once again, its not for her, its for my peace of mind that I can be normal again. And I would like her to be that first person who sees me normal when I recover.

 

- Adrian

[heyadrian]

oops yeah sorry lol just read something else in your post that I missed.

 

I am cleaning myself up for me. I can't do it for her because if I've lost her and I ever get to move on and find someone else (God forbid that happens), I don't ever want a repeat of this. I don't have the energy nor do I have the heart to do it again.

 

-A

[kitana]

you say you had a stint of being of the beer ? then why did you go back? surley u thought it wasnt a good idea.and if she has seen you off the beer and then back on it again how could she trust that you wont do tha same thing ?

[heyadrian]

Why did I go back? I don't know, I was stupid. I didn think. I was in a state of mind that prevented me from thinking straight. This is why detox is important to me. So I can think clearly.

 

trust is something that I have to earn back. and this time I can only do this by proving it by not doing it rather than saying I promise. This promise can only be sealed if I do it forever.

 

I know that it'll be hard and a rocky climb but this time I have to do it. She made me want to be a better person, her kicking me out and wanting space and the shock of it all was the shock theropy I needed to get myself into gear.

 

There are NO other options. Alchohol will kill me eventually and form some stories I've heard about it, I really dont want to die like that and let other watch me die like that. Not only this, but there is no way I can go through all of this emotional self torture again. I have used up every little bit of energy that I had stored up for a rainy day.

 

- Adrian

[kitana]

im sorry but u seem to be putting all the blame on the beer .. its was the beer that made me do it.... im attending aa meetings n such forth... im sorry but what u did was down to you it must have been in you in the first place for you to do it so dont be blaming it all on the beer. you say you want her back well id sort out your head first before you even talk to her again and take responosability for your own action instead of blaming it on the beer all the time ...

[heyadrian]

The beer made me act irrationally. But The beer isnt in the wrong here. I fell for temptation and drank it. So yes, I'm in the wrong here.

 

The only actions I need to take from now on are staying away from beer. It's that simple. So its all about will power.

 

I do want her back, and I'm not talking to her. Thats why I've deleted her names and that from my MSN and other chat programs. All I have left is a telephone number and I definitely won't call her.

 

Now it's down to me...

 

Anyway, thanks for the advice... I'll keep ya posted as to how things go

[yoyo123]

kitana is right.you can't blame the beer, drugs or whatever you are or were on. i had a problem with heroine as a youngster as i kept blaming the drugs on my behavior.i was stealing,fighting and i was a misfit of society.

 

after rehab i realised that it was actually me.i chose to shoot up even though i knew what i would be like when i was high.

 

all you can do now is fight temptation.do this.use your aa sponsor,they will be your best friend,pillar to lean on and ear that listens IF YOU KEEP CLEAN!

 

i hope that you know that this is a lifelong comitment and that you can NEVER touch another drink as long as you are alive.even one drink could set the evil spiral off again.

 

if you love yourself enough you will do it.it all depends on how much selfrespect you have yourself.from what you say i think you are genuine but i wont believe you until you are an old man and say that youve been clean since whenever you started.

 

yoyo

[heyadrian]

This is why I've taken this step in my life. I really dont want to be like that. Naturally I'm a nice funloving person and really affectionate. Its just the temptation I couldnt fight, thats why i need repair time. to get myself strong enough to fight that battle.

 

Temptation isnt the easiest to fight. I've been stuck here with no cigarettes and nothing for several days now and I'm literally going insane!my sponsor helped me alot with that. he lives a few houses down and I'm always welcome there, so it's great to have an ear to listen to when I'm suffering or when temptation is at its worst.

 

speak to ya soon. I got ya msn.

 

Cheers

 

A

[heyadrian]

Can someone explain what space in a relationship is?

 

I went my own way last night and wasnt going to speak to her till next week some time to give her loads of space but she called me up (which she is more than welcome to do as I said I was always at the other end of the phone for her). She needed to know where some papers were int he house. I wasnt 100% sure, but the last time I saw them they were where I told her they were. If they aren't there i'll get blamed for moving them or whatever

 

What do I do here????

 

Please can someone understand this concept of space?

 

Cheers

 

A

[yoyo123]

space is usually what your partner wants. sometimes it's not talking, sometimes it's doing something and other times its just getting away and leaving them alone. its all about what they need.

 

I could be wrong, could someone correct me haha.

 

what did she say she needs?

 

yoyo

[yoyo123]

I tried talking to ya on msn buddy but ya must be asleep or something.

 

listen, I read what you said and I know its hard! listen buddy, YOU HAVE TO KEEP STRONG. Ok she may not love you, ut maybe, just alittle maybe, if you keep the promise of keeping clean and away form drink she may come back.

 

STAY AWAY DONT DO ANYTHING SILLY AND CALL ME IF YOU HAVE TO!

 

yoyo

[heyadrian]

how am i suppsed to pose as sober when the doc gave me anti depressants that strong where i can harly walk. lol i think they want me anaebriated or owt.

 

she called me an hour ago but i had to blow her off because i cant even talk. how do i prove that im sober when i sound drunk? oxaxipan sux.. there went my chances

[yoyo123]

hey buddy. remember its not about her.... STAYSTRONG...im on msn now. come online.......

 

yoyo the mark lol

[heyadrian]

lol I went out lat night with a few friends. I think that was the first time in 4 years that I've been to a pub and didnt smoke or Drink. OMG that was freaky, I felt sooooooooooo out of place.

 

It was fun tho. THis on girl coaxed me into karioke so I kinda tried that, then I dance (even tho I cant dance).. lol it was great....

 

it kinda dampened me falling asleep on the bus and missing hte stop LOL!

 

Anyyyywayyyyyyy.. Im still craving a ciggy. When will the cravings stop?lasy one I had was on sunday evening and since then its been cold turkey.

 

ANyway, I gotta shoot... time to roll over n fall asleep again lol

 

x adrian

[yoyo123]

it will feel odd.for months to come too.but you did well.stay in there,your working the system.

 

yoyo

[Altruist]

I'm glad you realize that the relationship is over. In my opinion, it would be a waste of time to try and resuscitate it.