2 lost souls... please help

[karamel]

This one is going to be kind of long & I’m sorry you have to do a lot of reading, but I really need some advise and maybe some roads to take. I don’t know what to think and don’t know what to really do. Sorry if this story seems a little scattered, I just have a lot on my mind. So if you have the time to help, please help me.

Hi I’m 23 and I‘m a military spouse. my husband and I been married for 5 years [going on 6 in June] & been together for 7. Right now he’s on a TDY.

 

Here’s a little history:

my husband had his share of past 'relationships' before me. me I was still a virgin when I met him, but told him about the minor experiences I’ve had before him. we've had a lot of bumps & scratches along the way. our first 2-3 years of our marriage felt like he had lost his love for me because all he would really do is watch porn and go out. and I stuck with him and told him it wasn't good for us as a couple. just about a month ago he [i think] completely stopped watching porn but still had thoughts about it. As from what he told me.

Let’s see he had an episode where he would go out every weekend with his boys and go clubbing. He would be gone till practically the next day. And one weekend he was gone the whole time. I was pregnant with our son who is now 4. He would stay at one of his boy’s girlfriend’s house almost every weekend after they’d go clubbin. Now I’m not all sure what went on down there. He says nothing happened, but it still seems a little shady to me. I was losing trust in him cause I felt he was cheating on me. And why would he do this to me you know. Well anyway, He continued to do this for a couple months. But I also talked to him about how I felt about it. Still I stayed with him. So that has stopped also. That was a little quicker than the porn habit.

 

So here’s the troubled part…

Recently we had a BIG talk & I told him that I had kissed 2 more guys than what I told him before. So it totaled to 4. He still won’t tell me what all he’s done. Now he doesn’t trust me at all. He thinks I’ve cheated on him. One of the guys I kissed is here on this base. I have been faithful to him in our relationship even though he has given me big reasons not to trust in him. I stay at home most of the time and I don’t have any ‘real’ friends. I don’t really care though not to have any friends cause I felt ‘all I need is my husband’. so I don’t go chill & I don’t go out. I like being with my husband. If I were to go out, you’ll more than likely see me with my husband. For the past couple of days. He’s been ‘lost’ in feelings and I don’t know how to get him ‘back’. he doesn’t trust me, he feels I am cheating on him right at this moment. He’s even goin to talk to this guy to see if I am telling the truth. I’m even willing to take a test or something to prove that I have not had sex with anyone else before him or while I was with him. [if there is such a thing] . It feels like I am losing him. What would you do… besides marriage counseling. What are some other options. He feels he still loves me, but I feel he’s going to drift away and won’t be able to touch me anymore or look at me anymore when he gets back from this TDY.

Now I don’t want to throw blame on either one of us. But it’s like I cheated on him or something which I never did and will never do. So is he over-reacting cause he knows what he’s done? Or IS IT really my fault that he can’t trust me?

 

Please help 2 lost souls come back to each others hearts!

 

Thank You,

Sehana

[robowarrior]

A husband is supposed to be there primairly for his wife. He is not commited to you, he is commited to his porn,his friends,and his outgoing life while he just dumps you and you as a result just sit home alone all day, while he's going out and having fun. Then you start to argue (naturally)because your lonely and then to him you become a nuisiance and that creates more distance between you two , way to go on saying that you cheated on him(it would definitly sound like this if you said you kissed other guys)image removed creating even more distance between you two.

 

I'll tell you what's the problem, you thought he was a good guy to marry , but he's not. He's as immature as they come by, you see it might take a boy to make a girl pregnant, but it takes a man to raise a family, when is he there for you, when is he there for his child who both need him? Why is he watching and looking at other woman making you feel worthless and insecure about yourself? This is because he's not ready for a relationship or to get married, you might be married on paper, but in your hearts there is a grand canyon between you two.

 

Its only natural for him, he wants his selfish desires forfilled, he doesn't want to commit to a relationship. Heck he's the Al Bundy type of guy that like's to play poker with his friends away from the annoying wife, and you are like Mag who swallows up all the bad behaviour he is putting at display.

 

Normally i would say divorce and be gone, it was a bad decision to begin with, BUT you have a son. And only for your child i would stay with him, but you two need marriage councelling, you should suggest that to him, to make your feelings clear and to try to improve the relationship. Further more, another tip.

 

You need to be like my aunt.

 

She calls her husband up and demands he comes home, she puts pressure on her hubby to be where he needs to be, she lays claim on him as her husband. Its not that you should exaggerate this, but only when you feel (in all reasonability) that you need him and that he needs to be home where he belongs.

 

If he's your hubby then you should claim him, and force him to mature.

[ghost69]

bringing up past things is not a good idea to try and get something out of someone. i'd rather not know much about a SO's past.

[karamel]

robowarrior:

i'm sorry for the mis-understanding. the guys i had kissed was before we started goin out together. but in a way i can see how this could have led him to distrust me b-cuz i told him half the truth.

 

ghost69:

I don’t even know why I felt the need to tell him. I don’t know if it was out of unconscious resentment for what he made me go through.

[ghost69]

whenever i'm with a girl on a date or just hanging out, it disgusts me to have details about the past. a quick comment saying that your ex was like this or like that, that's okay. that's general talk. but the details, not a good look.

[karamel]

see my husband was my very first & only person. but he's also my first love at 16 years old which makes everything for me kinda new and testy. so if this would have happened to you, wut kind of state would you be in, considering everything. i probably need another point of view to know how to fix our relationship and maybe understand why our road was so bumpy. i can't really talk to anyone i know.

[ghost69]

the only thing i can see is that you got married really young. you haven't experience much it sounds like and neither has he really. this is tough to say how to fix it.

 

just give him your all and he will eventually get over the jealousy and trust issues.