Inexperienced/experienced, can they ever mix?

[Piper182]

for the past few days i have been hooking up with this guy i have been friends with since the beginning of the school year (we're both freshman at the same college). i personally have very little experience with guys mainly because i have low self-esteem and tend to back away from any feelings whatsoever.

 

his girlfriend broke up with him about two weeks ago but he insists he is over her and has no hard feelings. i told him i didn't want to be the rebound but he said that a. he hooked up with a girl the following week and b. rebounding is only if there is no closure and he had closure.

 

he is much more experienced than me so i told him i wanted to take the physical stuff slow and he said he wanted to take the emotional stuff slow. he doesn't want to jump into another relationship which i understand.

 

i was wondering if anyone thinks it's really weird that i am hooking up with this guy so close to his breakup. i didn't really mean to in the beginning, we were just supposed to be watching a movie (age old classic huh...) but now he comes over at least once a day or i go over to his room. i refuse to sleep with him unless we ever do date and not for a fair amount of time into that.

 

i have never really had a guy act as nice as he has. i am usually the girl that guys tell all their stories to, not the one they have any feelings for (and he has told me he has feelings for me). he always compliments me and told me flat out that it didn't matter if i thought bad about myself, my opinions of myself did not effect his opinions.

 

i just do not know how to take any of this. does anyone think that i might just be someone to hook up with? he doesn't seem to be that kind of a guy but i am not niave enough to think that it never happens. please help...

[x_perfect_stranger_x]

If I wanted to take the physical stuff slow and the guy wanted to take the emotional stuff slow I would kick his butt to the kurb! Seriously, his basically saying, I dont want to get emotional nor attached. I would forget about him and move on.

[ghost69]

he doesn't want to be tied to you emotionally, so when he gets what he wants, he can leave when he wants.

[Piper182]

but he talks about eventually, just not immediately? im rationalizing... aren't i...

[ghost69]

it's hard to say. emotionally for me would be a relationship. just the physical part, would just be a hookup. usually when i get with a chick fast, they get really emtionally and clingy after. this is why i usually don't stick around.

 

eventually is a ploy.

[Piper182]

thanks. seriously, thank you a lot.

[mala]

i think u should wait a bit. still date him but dont really give him much physically.. see what he does then? if he likes u and isnt just after a hook up, he'd wait and meet u half way.

[finewhine]

I would steer clear. This sounds like too much of a headache for me!

 

I think relationships should always be easy, and with this guy, sounds like you're crusin' for a bruisin'.

[ghost69]

don't get hot n heavy and just take off though. that is the worst. the blue things..ouch.

[ghost69]

easy relationships? hmmm, i wish. but never really the case. even if you meet a chick that seems easy going. give it time, she will be demanding, controlling, nagging eventually. lol

[rikka]

If you aren't looking to get overly physical, and he isn't looking for an emotional connection.... what is the common denominator? Seriously, what is he looking for out of your "relationship"? Someone to hang out with?

 

My concern in this situation is that you will invest more emotion into it and get attatched and he will remain on the periphery... this will lead you to getting hurt. I would just question what kind of relationship the two of you have and where it may/maynot be heading.

[ghost69]

i don't think a good relationship could stem from this at this time.

[carbon]

Stop getting physical with him when you hang out and see if he still comes round.

[ghost69]

and if he doesn't come around after what carbon said, then you'll know what his intentions were.

[Piper182]

ok, so i didn't want to bring up the "what are we" talk but apparently he did. He brought it up by way of telling me we weren't just hook up buddies and throughout our conversation, we went from not hooking up with anyone else (we he drunkenly did on thursday but apologized like 18 times) to the beginnings of a relationship and now apparently we're dating... He's not rushing me at all and he knows that everything is going to take time. he is even trusting me and telling me the stuff that he is doing during pledging which is a huuuge no no.

 

its a little weird though because he is already talking about taking me home to meet his mom and what we are doing this summer because he will be in maine and his living situations next year (it's easy this year because he has a single). I don't know, am i making too much out of this and he really just likes me and hopes its going to last????

 

~Carly~

[ghost69]

the question is where do you want to be with this guy?

[Piper182]

i like him, i do. it just seems so weird that he's already talking about that stuff, ive never met a guy who's so understanding and wants to legit just cuddle and talk. im really just not used to a guy... but thats besides the point.

 

am i just trying to find faults?

 

~Carly~

[Lily04]

it seems like he doesn't want a relationship, but you need this before you can get physical. I'm not sure it can work, as you seem to both want different things. You need emotional connection (and you seem to really like him..) but he doesn't want it necessarily. Why not look for another guy who would be opening to some level of commitment?

[ghost69]

hook up with someone else. see how you feel about them instead.

[Piper182]

i told him that i couldn't do it. I decided I had to tell him early on because i really didn't want to hurt him. I couldn't give him a great reason but he didn't fight so i guess it's all okay.

 

thank you all for your help. i appreciate it.

[Lily04]

Hi Piper,

 

I honestly think you did the best thing, and I'm really happy for you. I did the same thing earlier this year... there was a guy who said he wasn't thinking of anything 'long-term' right now, was dating another girl at the same time, but I was really starting to fall for him and I said I couldn't do it... when I start to really like someone I don't necessarily want something 'serious' right off the bat or exclusive, but I don't just want a fling or sexual hookup either, and even though he never explicitly said that was what he wanted, it was the feeling I got. I got the sense that he wasn't looking for the same things....he didn't want anything 'emotional' either necessarily, whereas I need that. I am also a virgin so it's important to me... so I said no.

 

I think I made the best decision that ultimately didn't hurt myself or him, early on, and I'm glad I did it, despite thinking he was a really interesting person... just like how you think he's a really nice person. There's plenty of single guys out there who are nice and ALSO want something emotional, and I think you shoudl search for those type of guys.

 

Love,

 

Lily

[ghost69]

good for you. don't make the situation worse to spare someone else's feelings. yours come first and shouldn't be denied.