How do you not worry about getting hurt and let yourself love?

[mariposa81]

Hi everyone,

 

I've been with my boyfriend for 5+ months. We've had a couple of disagreements, but afterwards, our relationship has only gotten better and stronger due to communicating and compromising. Things are going great, he's a wonderful guy, we are going slow and continuing to get to know each other. We don't yet say "I love you" but my feelings are indeed growing stronger for this man as time passes and I can definitely see myself falling in love with him at some point.

 

I have to admit, deep down inside, I am terrified of the negative side of what could happen longterm (and what is the LIKELY outcome of most relationships until you meet who you will marry, but you don't usually know this early on): the idea of falling in love with him and him possibly breaking my heart or me being hurt simply because it ended. I'm also afraid of my falling in love with him down the road and him not loving me back.

 

I've been thinking about this a lot lately (keeping it to myself of course because I don't want to worry him with things that haven't happened yet or put him under any unnecessary pressure). I've been hurt in the past more than once and was single for quite a while before I met my boyfriend and we became involved. I didn't expect to feel this way about him, but now that I'm starting to feel this way, I'm beginning to feel vulnerable.

 

I guess I just don't want to get hurt anymore from now until I get married (unrealistic I know..). But I know that is the risk you take when you're in a longterm relationship because no one knows what the future holds.

 

I guess my question is how do you relax, let go, and let yourself love in your relationship? How do you relax, enjoy the moment, and not think about the possibility of getting hurt in the future if your relationship ends?

 

Or have any of you resisted deep feelings and NOT LET yourself fall for the person you're with in case it doesn't work out? If you did this, how in the world were you able to separate your feelings? Is this even POSSIBLE?

 

If you do end up feeling strongly about your partner, is there anyway to prepare yourself mentally and emotionally in case it doesn't work out?

 

Just want to hear other's opinions on this. Thanks so much in advance!

 

[Dako]

Have you ever considered your capacity to hurt your partner?

It's exactly the same responsibility.

 

BTW, Marriage doesn't preclude heartbreak at all.

[hosswhispra]

I would like to know the answer to this too, Mari. You wrote/described everything I feel.

 

If I were to venture a guess on this, I would say we both could benefit from some counseling.

[mariposa81]

Hosswhispra: I think maybe you're right. I do sometimes feel like I need to talk to a professional about this. At least I know I'm not alone in feeling this way. It's funny because I've NEVER felt this insecure before in a relationship and I once was with someone for 4 1/2 years.

 

Dako: I have considered the fact that I could hurt him, but for some reason I feel that there's a greater likelihood that I could be the one who gets hurt and that terrifies me for some reason. It's like I don't think my heart could take yet ANOTHER round of heartache.

 

The thought has even crossed my mind to end it before it gets to the point where I'm even more susceptible to getting hurt. But there's no real reason to do that because things are going well, we really like each other and enjoy each other's company, and we're planning a 10-day vacation out of the country after I graduate from my doctorate program in May. It's just the fear in me that causes those thoughts to cross my mind.

 

I just want to let go and enjoy this relationship like my boyfriend does, but it's so hard to get these thoughts out of my head.

[Dako]

I always approach love expecting to get hurt. I've always been the one dumped or left unrequited, but I'm no martyr. I just feel there's no other way to live but seeking love, beauty and joy.

 

My last heartbreak was unbearably bad and I swore I'd never risk that pain again.

Guess what?

[mariposa81]

I'm the same way. With the exception of my first relationship (in which we just grew apart and the break up was mutual), I've always been the one hurt in the end. The pain always seems unbearable to me as well which is why I'm so incredibly afraid to be hurt. It just takes so much out of me to get over the pain and I don't want to feel that again.

[Aleadragonhawk]

I think that a good part of this is having a partner who is trustworthy. That might sound obvious, but I've been in the situation in the past where I kept trying to trust someone, then found out later that they were not at all deserving of that trust. I think that with time, trust will grow in a committed relationship - and trust is required to be able to truly love someone.

 

What I'm really saying here is that your inabilities to trust may be grounded. If someone is truly deserving of your trust and works over a period of time to gain it, usually trust will come.